Voices of Glass

Of Roses, Walls, and Towers – Part 5 – Conclusion

When I started this series looking at the isolation in my life and indeed it’s possible causes I did so acknowledging a few things from the very beginning…

I acknowledged that I was and am isolated.

I acknowledged that this was not a healthy state of affairs.

I acknowledged that some of the fault or at least the responsibility for this has to lie with me.

I acknowledged the need for change.

I acknowledged that my faith as a Christian would be an important consideration in this series.

Whilst I had given the series and its subsequent posts some consideration (certainly enough to come up with an appropriate title) before putting fingers to keyboard I had not really anticipated where this series would take me, or what I would learn from it.

Now that I have reached the end of the series I had anticipated, I find that whilst I have realized some things as a result of it, I am still not entirely sure just where to go from here. But I do at least have a start and interestingly and appropriately that start is a bible verse that was running through my mind when I awoke.

The Vine and the Branches

¹“I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener. ²He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful. ³You are already clean because of the word I have spoken to you. ⁴Remain in me, and I will remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me.

⁵“I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing. ⁶If anyone does not remain in me, he is like a branch that is thrown away and withers; such branches are picked up, thrown into the fire and burned. ⁷If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be given you. ⁸This is to my Father’s glory, that you bear much fruit, showing yourselves to be my disciples. [John 15:1-8 NIV]

It is, in fact, a passage of scripture that I have always had a particular fondness for and one that is particularly relevant to the thorns in my life but also to the walls and towers that I have looked at in this series.

In respect of thorns and roses a basic truth is that a rose cannot possibly bud where a thorn is already grown. The two just cannot occupy the same space and thus the thorns whilst offering defense and protection do, whether deliberately or not, also in some ways limit the potential for roses to grow.

Bringing this more in line with the analogy used in the scripture above my thorns, my walls and my towers inhibit and even block the growth of that fruit that is spoken of. This is of course a concern to me as a Christian – it is never healthy or advisable for any Christian to place obstacles in God’s way.

The plain simple fact of the matter is that the very existence of those thorns, walls and towers prove that I have either willfully placed those obstacles in the way or at best allowed them to develop in the way and for this I am sincerely sorry and regretful.

But there is of course hope. The fact of the matter is that I know they are there and that they should not be there. Additionally I have the assurance and encouragement of scriptures to motivate their removal from my life. So, as some of the comments have already asked, how do I do this?

Well, I guess the first thing I need to recognize is that I don’t as a Christian have to do this alone. “I am the true vine and my Father is the gardener. HE cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit; whilst every branch that does bear fruit HE prunes so that it becomes more fruitful.”

Of course that doesn’t remove my own responsibilities in this and doesn’t mean that He isn’t already working on that very thing or hasn’t already placed people and resources in my life to do just that.

Why am I even looking at this whole subject? Isn’t it possible that God has brought me to this place?

So since I do have responsibilities in this what are those responsibilities? How can I help bring about the changes that are obviously needed?

Regardless of the legitimacy of the presence of those thorns, walls or towers when constructed or adopted, I accept that I perceived a need for them at that time and responded accordingly. But I do so in full understanding that 1) this may not have been the best course of action even then and 2) that I am not the same person I was then and 3) my circumstances, life and situation are not the same now as they were then.

Because of this I recognize and acknowledge that a) even if legitimate then they may not be and are probably not now, and b) that their continued presence is probably not the healthiest option for me and thus a newer, healthier and more appropriate approach is called for.

Therefore in response to that acknowledgment and recognition I will therefore re-assess where I am today, whether those thorns, walls and towers are still necessary and helpful and to make every effort to remove or replace them with healthier and more appropriate choices and coping techniques. Doing so by following these steps…

Step 1. Enlist the help of someone (or more than one if possible) you trust and respect. If possible someone you are very close to and spend a lot of time with. Remember thorns grow outward, the rose doesn’t notice the pain they cause since the rose isn’t at the pointed ed.

Step 2. Has to be, in my opinion, to identify the thorns, walls or towers that exist in your life.

Step 3. Is to then try to identify their source, what made you have them, grown them, adopt them or construct them.

Step 4. Assess their legitimacy – both originally and now. (As a Christian God’s will is an essential consideration in this.)

Step 5. Assess their current need. You are not the person you were then and your life is not the same now.

Step 6. Assess their benefit versus their cost. The worth of something is often evaluated by comparing cost to benefit.

Step 7. Assess how and when they are employed or present – what triggers them? Having recognized this look out for them and also try to establish better responses.

Step 8. Consider healthier more productive and less harmful or detrimental coping techniques OR other ways of addressing the needs that motivated these thorns, walls or towers in the first place.

Step 9. Establish a way of healthily and positively being accountable in your actions, decisions and efforts in order to bring about the changes you want. (this should include regular and frequent reviews.

Step 10. Make a definite decision/commitment and start removing or replacing them with the more healthier or less detrimental coping techniques.

So I think I have the basis for change in my life. Of course I recognize that a great deal of what I have listed above is fairly general but that is in many ways quite deliberate. Are there specific things in my life that need to change in order for there to be an improvement in my levels of isolation? Yes of course and in respect of some these are things that I myself can change, in respect of others it really depends on others and their responses and in respect of yet others I can see no immediate way of bringing about change. But that is not to say that I can’t still work on these.

There is an old prayer more commonly known as the Serenity Prayer and it goes like this…

“God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference.”

Surely if there was one prayer that was so appropriate to trying to remove or demolish the thorns, walls and towers that we have built up over the years it would be this one.

But as I said before the rose doesn’t always notice the thorns because it is not on the pointed end. Likewise we don’t often notice the walls that we build as we are not the ones they are designed to block and not the one often left banging our head against them and as for the towers that we construct well they are by design comfortable to us as we are on the inside looking out not on the outside trying to get in.

So let me offer this rose, walls and towers, version of the same prayer…

“God, grant me they eyes and will and resources to remove the thorns, demolish walls and open up the towers that I have built and others the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to challenge and motivate and encourage me to change the things I can, and both of us the wisdom to know the difference.”

And to all those who I have hurt at the end of my thorns, blocked by my walls and kept out by my towers, please accept my apologies, and my regret and please know that I understand that all too often you suffered as a result of the actions of others and for this I am truly remorseful.

February 23, 2012 | Categories: Depression, Paranoid Schizophrenia, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Relationships, Isolation, Bipolar Disorder | Tags: Paranoid Schizophrenia, Depression, Mental Illness, Mental Health, Isolation, Bipolar Disorder, Distorted Perceptions, Relationships | 3 Comments »

Of Roses, Walls and Towers – Part 4 – Of Towers

So far in this series designed to look at isolation I have discussed both roses (or rather their thorns) and walls and indeed both of these could be seen as fairly obvious factors when considering isolation. But in this the fourth part of this series I want to look at something a little different – that of towers.

Of Towers..

Born and raised in England from the 1960′s, knights in shining armor, castles, moats and towers were a common part of my childhood through television viewing, Saturday morning Cinema club, books, games and even school lessons.

In medieval England strong Towers were often built to provide security and a strong inner defense and to demonstrate strength whilst also providing the ability to see attacks coming from a distance. Additionally more temporary mobile towers were sometimes constructed in order to provide access over an enemy’s defenses. But what do ‘towers’ have to do with this series looking at isolation?

Well ‘towers’ are what I call anything (attitudes and arguments) that we put forward or construct in order to defend a position that we have taken or want to take and that we really shouldn’t have or really shouldn’t value quite so much.

For example: ‘I have mental health issues and often end up offending people so why bother investing in relationships that are only going to end when I do something stupid or weird?’ or ‘I regularly forget to take my meds so I might as well just not bother taking them at all.’ or ‘No one really understands what I am going through so it isn’t worth trying to explain it to anyone.’ And how about, ‘it is not worth my trying to achieve ‘x’ because I will only mess it up’

Now I am not trying to speak for anyone else here but I wouldn’t mind suggesting that I am not the only one who has these kind of ‘towers’ and that actually if we really take time and are brave enough to try, many of us could probably find such towers in our lives.

These ‘towers’ can be harmful and debilitating and yet the potential to adopt or construct them so very real.

Of course putting forwards arguments and justifications – no matter how fanciful or illegitimate they may be – for not doing something when we should or indeed for doing something when we shouldn’t is quite common place and whilst they may not be a good idea, it is the longer-term ones that I am more mindful of here.

Another interesting characteristic of such ‘towers’ is that they are very often over fortified.

I think there are two or three reasons for this. Isn’t it possible that we often over-value the very thing that we are defending? And likewise isn’t it possible that in response to the insecurity that we inwardly feel about the argument or position we have adopted we over-estimate the potential strength or effect of any possible attack.

And let us not forget that towers that are heavily defended or fortified are often burdensome rather than freeing and can hinder and even imprison us.

We become rooted to those towers if you will and thus everything we do can be impacted by them. Nomadic tribes do not as a rule build whacking great stone towers. They have temporary structures easily dismantled and packed away and this accommodates their transient lifestyle and there is I think a lesson to be learned from this.

If we adopt and construct whacking great towers in order to protect something our lives we are stuck to them. We have to invest in constructing them, maintaining them and securing/defending them. Isn’t it important therefore that we make sure that what we are defending or protecting is truly worth all that effort. They becomes attitudes and strongholds that shape our way of doing or not doing things.

‘No-one really understands what i am going through, so it isn’t worth trying to explain it to them.’

‘I have mental health issues and often end up offending people so why bother investing in relationships that are only going to end when I do something stupid or weird?’.

‘I regularly forget to take my meds so I might as well just not bother taking them at all.’

‘It is not worth my trying to achieve ‘x’ because I will only mess it up.’

These are not, I would suggest, arguments or positions that are either legitimate or worth protecting but sadly they are potentially present in my life and each of them do, either directly or indirectly, affect me and play into my isolation.

But they are perhaps, along with some others, arguments or positions that I have adopted and built towers around and that I neither let others challenge or readily challenge myself and that is harmful and detrimental to my mental health and obstructive to any future improvement.

I am convinced that such towers are so very harmful and that in my life there are numerous towers that need addressing and tearing down if I am ever going to heal.

And what about my faith in all this? Are there ‘towers’ in my faith-life that are not healthy?

‘It isn’t worth my getting back involved in leadership because my health won’t allow me to be reliable’

‘Letting people know that I have mental health issues as a christian is a bad witness.’

‘God can’t use someone as messed up as me’

Arguably the bible talks more of footholds and strongholds than it does about towers in this respect. As Christians we are taught that footholds afforded to the enemy can soon be converted into strongholds by them and we all know that strongholds – as the name suggests – can be very hard to pull down.

As a Christian I am very much aware that there is a spiritual consideration to everything and s very often in this blog I will make reference to emotional, physical, mental and spiritual health. I have long since been convinced that all of these can impact and affect each other either positively or negatively depending on the situation or circumstance.

I truly believe that as Christians we are subject to attack and that these attacks are often spiritual by nature. Indeed doesn’t the bible speak of this in such places as Ephesians 6, in the book of Romans and the book of Revelation?

Is it possible that some of these towers – the adopting and constructing and maintaining of them are resultant from spiritual attack or the influences of the enemy? Absolutely it is, in my opinion, but what is more relevant to me as a Christian is not so much what caused, motivated or encouraged their construction but God’s will in respect of their presence and their removal.

I have little doubt that just as there are thorns in my life that deter or that have deterred people from interacting with me and indeed walls that keep people away, there are also whacking great towers in my life that I am hiding in or behind and that need looking at, addressing and tearing down.

February 22, 2012 | Categories: Paranoia, Depression, Paranoid Schizophrenia, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Relationships, Isolation, Bipolar Disorder | Tags: Paranoid Schizophrenia, Depression, Christianity and Mental Health, Christianity and Depression, Isolation, Bipolar Disorder, Distorted Perceptions, Relationships | 1 Comment »

Of Roses, Walls and Towers – Part 3 – Of Walls

Yesterday, in part two of this series looking at isolation, I wrote about roses and thorns and how those thorns, whilst being a defense, all too often hurt others. In this part (Part 3) I am writing not of roses but of walls and whilst these are often built solely to block and not to hurt can’t they sometimes also hurt others?

“One of the things that life has taught me thus far is to try to be understanding when people put up walls in order to feel safe – in order to keep others out, to keep themselves safely in, to guard their most precious and treasured possession – their heart. Indeed haven’t I done the self-same thing myself in the past and possibly all too often? But what I really struggle with is not so much the walls that we build but the shards of glass and the barbed wire that some folk seem to place on top of those walls.”

The above statement is (as much as I remember of it) a quote from a conversation that I had with a colleague many years ago concerning our clients and how they so often end up isolating, withdrawing, and pushing people away. Sadly I have to admit that it seems to me to be as true today as it was when I first said it.

In it there is a recognition that we do often put up walls, barriers etc, and that sometimes those walls do come with brutal, severe added defenses such as the shards of glass and the barbed wire that I spoke of and I guess these resemble the thorns that I spoke of in yesterday’s piece.

Of course not all walls that people put up come with these additional more severe defenses. The thing about the walls that we build is that we build them to order and according to our perceived personal circumstances. Because of this some folk may have only one or two walls – carefully positioned around their biggest vulnerability, some a few walls, whilst others seem to have many walls. And let’s be honest here, haven’t we all at one time or another met someone, sadly even children, with whom it seems difficult to see where the walls stop and the person starts?

As a child, as a result of my mental health and some things that happened to me, I was very much like this – presenting as much wall as I was child.

Not that many would have noticed them however, because I had almost instinctively worked out that not all walls have to look wall-like and that actually the most effective walls are not wall-shaped but mask-shaped.

By presenting a mask, I – the real me; the hurt, frightened, vulnerable, confused, disturbed and lost little boy, could still attempt to separate, could still try to hide, could still hope to retain some resemblance of safety and yet to all intent and purpose seem perfectly ordinary.

Of course what I had not quite fully understood way back then, is that this mask shaped walls would remain with me way past my childhood. If you have a mind too, check out my poem “The Image Weaver” on my poetry blog. You can find it here ‘The Image Weaver‘ , or alternatively (if this works) you should be able to listen to is by clicking on the arrow below

The truth is that I wore those wall-based masks for years even in when most active and the truth is even in my most active most sociable state, despite the fact that I was a fully involved, extremely sociable, and a very active Christian leader I was, in so many ways, still that hurt, frightened, vulnerable, confused, disturbed and lost little boy. Why? Well partly because as much as walls – even mask shaped walls – lock people out they also lock you in.

And additionally as much as they keep people away from the hurts and the vulnerabilities that we feel all too often they keep us away from them or prevent us from getting to them in a way that they can be healthily addressed and dealt with.

And that is the thing isn’t it? In this series I am looking at isolation, how isolated I am, how it affects me and where it comes from. Just as, in the previous part of this series, I had to recognize and acknowledge my own responsibilities for the thorns (and their subsequent effects) that I had grown over the years, so too do I have to recognize and acknowledge the walls (even and especially those mask-shaped one) that I have built and to understand the effects of them.

The poem that mentioned above – The Image Weaver – is one that I wrote many years ago. I published it on my Deep From Within poetry blog back in 2009 and I wrote these words at the end of it.

“The difficulty is, and trust me it is so very sad when this happens, that sometimes we can put on so many masks and become so adept at creating and wearing them that we simply forget which face is the real us.“

Masks and walls can both have the same effect in this regard. We can lose ourselves, the real ‘me’, or lose the; ability, the understanding, the instinct to heal, to be real, to be us, to be free. To run naked and raw and open and honest and even vulnerable even in the relative security of the closest and most intimate of our relationships.

And walls are strange things, whether built subconsciously or even consciously we can all too soon forget that they are there and that they can themselves, influence, effect and even distort things – perceptions, understandings, relationships.

Of course the fact is that if they do exist in us they were built for a reason and the argument that they have served a purpose and protected us is a valid one – just as the argument that a roses (and our) thorns were grown for a reason is a valid one. But I have to ask – do those reasons (and thus the purpose and need for those walls) still exist?

In one way, and I am trying to be so very candid here, I have to say that since the very same walls that have kept others away from my deepest and innermost wounds, hurts, fears and vulnerabilities also tend to keep me away from them (or at very least prevent me from dealing with them properly) yes the need for those walls does in a way still exist. But the plain fact of the matter is that actually instead of investing my energy into maintaining those walls what I should be doing is investing my energy into finding healing for the wounds, hurts, fears and vulnerabilities.

And this is a key point is it not? For as I have already mentioned as much as those walls protect and defend they also imprison and corrupt and very often they are in control of us instead of us being in control of them. How many times have I (indeed have you) experienced the panicked sensation of those walls crumbling or closing in on us?

In this blog I try so very hard to be open and honest and it is my sincerest hope that by showing my pain and my fears and my vulnerabilities I can find some sort of release, some sort of help, and that at the same time others will also be encouraged or helped.

So that as I openly share each of the bricks that I have built one on top of the other I will metaphorically and practically remove each of them and instead of using those bricks to build walls start building bridges instead.

As I said in the introduction to this series, I am a Christian and my faith is very important to me and will no doubt be a key element in this series. Yesterday I spoke of my thorns in respect of my faith and having given my life to Christ and here today in this piece I must consider may walls in the context of my faith and my life in Christ. And in doing so I find that I am left with two essential questions/thought processes…

1. Do I have faith in Christ? Absolutely! Really? Then if I have faith in Christ why the need for those walls?

and

2. Have you given your life to Christ? Yes I have – many years back and several times since. And are your walls not part of your life? Yes of course. Then if you have given your life to Christ and those walls are part of your life, then those walls are now Christ’s and are His for you to do with what He wills.

February 19, 2012 | Categories: Christianity, Depression, Paranoid Schizophrenia, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Isolation, Bipolar Disorder, Polls | Tags: Paranoid Schizophrenia, Depression, Mental Illness, Mental Health, Christianity and Depression, Isolation, Bipolar Disorder, Distorted Perceptions | 7 Comments »

Of Roses, Walls, and Towers. Part 2 – Of Roses.

Of Roses…

The Swedish writer Ellen Key (1849-1926) is reported to have said, “At every step the child should be allowed to meet the real experience of life; the thorns should never be plucked from his roses.“

They are sentiments that I can certainly agree with, although as a parent also ones that a part of me instantly questions.

Roses come with thorns and those thorns can hurt. Were my child to, in response to the fragrant beauty of the rose, reach out and roughly grab at the rose would it not cause him or her pain? Do I as a loving parent want for my child to feel hurt? And yet does not the feeling of that hurt teach the child not to grab the beautiful rose so roughly and in the process therefore not educate my child in some way?

Surely my child’s age and thus his or her ability to understand the purpose of those pain giving thorns must come into consideration here? Is he, is she, old enough to process what it happening and thus to approach the rose more delicately? And yet the thorns are not developed for the sake of my child but for the sake of the rose.

Would a true loving parent not have heartfelt compassion and indeed understanding when it came to the presence and indeed the effects of any thorns in their child’s life and decide when and how to remove them accordingly?

And there within we meet, I would suggest, just one of the considerations that all parents face at one time or other. When to protect the child from making mistakes and getting hurt and when to allow the child the freedom to make mistakes and get a little hurt so that he or she can learn from the experience.

But more importantly, or rather more significantly in respect of this piece, we also meet the reality that roses have – or so I am led to believe – developed those thorns specifically to act as a defense mechanism as their fragrant beauty attracts attention not only from bees and wasps etc (who do them little to no harm) but also of animals and people who do do them harm.

Now I have never considered myself to be a beauty and as far as I can recall neither have I ever claimed to be a rose but I would be remiss if I were not to acknowledge that in my life I have met any number of beautiful people who have as a result of their experiences developed their own thorns by way of protection in their vulnerability.

And that is the thing of it all. I may not consider myself beautiful but haven’t we all got something that is appealing about us and equally haven’t we all got vulnerabilities?

My children and my parents find my inability or at best reluctance to accept affirmation and to consider myself worthy of affection very frustrating. “I know you don’t see yourself this way, but you are beautiful” is a statement that is often used. Even my Momma’s song for me (we all share special songs with each other) is John Lennon’s Beautiful Boy for the specific reason that she does see me as being beautiful in her eyes and does recognize my vulnerabilities.

A lot has happened in my life and having experienced mental health issues all of my life – or at least as much of it as I can remember – I had and still have vulnerabilities and how no doubt that I have developed my own protective thorns.

In this series I am taking a close, open and honest look at my isolation, where it comes from, why it exists and indeed what it is doing to me. Can I truly do this without accepting that some of that isolation may well be resultant from the very thorns that I have consciously or subconsciously developed to protect me?

I look back at what few pictures of myself as a child exist and I can see those vulnerabilities and yes I will even admit that I can see that beauty that others speak of in me. And yet I also know those thorns we there growing and developing.

Whether needed in reality or simply in the perceived reality generated by my mental health they were there and I want to be very candid about this and admit that a very large part of me has to say that regardless of whether that reality existed or was only perceived it was none the less the reality that I knew and thus those thorns had a very real place and purpose.

Now don’t get me wrong here – at no point, in my personal situation, were they obviously threatening or obviously extreme but they did exist and did without doubt have a very real impact (albeit it often very subtly) on my relationships.

Just as a rose develops thorns to protect it and to influence and in some way control the way it is approached, handled and treated so too do we humans and so too did I. And I would venture to suggest that I am not alone in this.

So I have no doubt in my mind that those thorns did influence my relationships and have an impact on how people would treat me and respond to me. But perhaps more significantly I have to accept that those relationship (colored, influenced and controlled to various degrees by those thorns) then shaped and colored and controlled future relationships which in turn influenced future defensive thorns. There is a cycle here, a vicious circle isn’t there?

And what happened to those thorns? Did they fall off when they were no longer needed or have they remained? Or did others simply grow in their place or even develop and grow along side them? I have little doubt that they did/have and that saddens me greatly. But what saddens me even more is the thought of the relationships that have been lost or denied or damaged as a result of my thorns.

As I said before, In this series I am taking a close, open and honest look at my isolation, where it comes from, why it exists and indeed what it is doing to me. If I am to fully consider this I must consider those thorns, their effect, their possible existence and purpose in my life even now and indeed whether I need to work on removing some of them.

A rose is, without doubt, a thing of beauty and appeal and it’s beauty and appeal should be apparent and whilst the presence of any thorns understandable they should not be so great as to rob that rose of its beauty or to detract from it.

Of course, without wishing to reduce my own responsibility in this I also want to acknowledge that much of that is dependent on the person observing or approaching the rose and what they choose to focus on and/or see. I think it was the French critic Alphonse Karr who stated, “Some people are always grumbling that roses have thorns; I am just thankful that thorns have roses.” (Or something along those line.)

And is there not an even greater consideration here? As a Christian I have given my life to Christ and am an ambassador for Christ. Whilst those thorns may well have had a place and purpose in my life before and indeed may well have been designed as a deterrent and a defense, can I in all honesty accept their presence and function now? Am I not meant to be welcoming and inviting and to rely and trust in Christ?

Should I be allowing such thorns to prevent others from knowing me fully and thus having a chance to see Christ in my life?

Does Christ know of and understand those thorns in my life? Yes absolutely. Does He think any the less of me for their presence? I seriously doubt it. Does He want them in my life? Well in answer to that I have to return to the beginning of this piece and something that I said then…

“Would a true loving parent not have heartfelt compassion and indeed understanding when it came to the presence and indeed the effects of any thorns in their child’s life and decide when and how to remove them accordingly?”

Yes those defensive thorns serve a purpose in the life of a rose and indeed our defensive thorns can serve a purpose in our lives but at what cost?

February 18, 2012 | Categories: Bipolar Disorder, Christianity, Isolation, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Paranoid Schizophrenia, Relationships, Uncategorized | Tags: Bipolar Disorder, Christianity, Christianity and Depression, Depression, Isolation, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Paranoid Schizophrenia, Relationships | 4 Comments »

Of Roses, Walls and Towers – A five-part series. Part 1 – Introduction.

If you read yesterday’s piece and it’s subsequent comments, you may well have noticed that isolation or more specifically my own isolation has become a prominent thought for me of late.

I really do think that this is an important issue for me at the moment and I am quite concerned about it and about how it is effecting me.

So I thought that I would continue my thoughts on this subject and do so in a five-part series (the first part being this introduction) called ‘Of Roses, Walls and Towers’ with the reason for the title hopefully becoming evident by the end of it.

What I am hoping for is an open and honest dialogue primarily with myself – (hm is that a dialogue or a monologue?) but also with anyone else who wants to get involved – and through this to come to a better understanding of where I am at and how my isolation is actually affecting me.

In this series I also hope to touch on the possible reasons why I have chosen or in many ways been forced into isolation and to consider ways in which these can be redressed.

Who knows, perhaps some of what I consider and share will ring familiar to others reading this and together we can look at ways of addressing this issue in mine and possible our lives.

At this point, if I am totally honest (which I hope to try to be throughout this process), I am just not sure where it will lead me. Perhaps it will result in my becoming less isolated or perhaps becoming even more so. All I do really know is that it is an issue that is very much on my mind and very much in my heart and thus I need to respond to it and to do so in a way that is open and honest and that has the potential to invite honest objective and constructive input from others.

But I want to post my ‘colors to the mast’ so to speak right from the get-go and to make it clear that I am a Christian and that my faith is extremely important to me. Because of this I don’t think I can fully consider this whole subject without recognizing my faith and indeed the calling on my life and indeed God’s will for me in it all.

I do of course respect the fact that others reading this may not be of the same faith as me and thus may not see this as very relevant or important. That is of course just as valid a position as my position that it is both relevant and important. So all I would ask is that in making comments and observations folk simply respect my right to my beliefs as much as I respect their right to theirs.

Kind regards,

Kevin

February 17, 2012 | Categories: Bipolar Disorder, Depression, Isolation, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Paranoid Schizophrenia | Tags: Bipolar Disorder, Christianity and Depression, Depression, Isolation, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Paranoid Schizophrenia | 5 Comments »

Sanity versus Insanity – I is on the edge

Don’t worry I am not turning all ‘Gangsta’ on you all, and actually when I say, ‘I is on the edge’ the ‘I’ is not referring to me. Let me explain…

I wonder if you ever think about the whole subject of ‘Sanity versus Insanity’? If so, I wonder what your understanding of sanity or indeed insanity is?

It is such a wide and emotive subject isn’t it? One that can often ignite passionate debate and let’s be honest here aren’t there numerous definitions of both sanity and indeed insanity out there? Legal definitions, country based definitions, state based definitions, general definitions?

And how about perceptions? What is the most common perception of someone who is ‘sane’ or someone who is ‘insane’? Could they be that someone who is sane would be seen as being; ordinary, calm, casual, an everyday Jo/Joe with someone who is insane being some sort of; erratic, threatening, maniacal character? Not healthy or accurate perceptions at all but I think quite common.

And how does a person change from being sane to being insane? Sometimes, for some folk, or so it seems, it can be sudden, instant, whilst other times it seems to be a gradual, progressive thing. Will it happen to me? How will it happen? Suddenly? Gradually? Will it ever happen to me? Has it already begun and I just don’t know it?

Have you ever thought about this kind of stuff or is it just something specific and peculiar to me?

I guess for me personally the whole sanity versus insanity consideration is resultant from my having mental health issues and the fact that my mental health often deteriorates quite drastically. Of course, I don’t think of sanity or indeed insanity in quite the same way as those perceptions that I mention above. But how do I think of them? How do I define them? It is difficult, isn’t it?

In many ways I guess I see sanity as being like an island in the sky.

Something special, valuable, worth treasuring, unique to each person, worth sharing and nurturing and looking after but also something quite extraordinary and even quite fragile.

In this analogy insanity would be something that one can fall into if you lose your footing in sanity or indeed your sanity crumbles beneath you or develops a gaping great hole for some reason. Or something you can fall into if for some reason you walk too close to the edge of sanity.

‘The edge of sanity’. It is not an uncommon phrase is it? Who or what is on the edge of sanity?

I is on the edge of sanity. But not just I as in me, myself and I. No, as I said before, I am not going all gangsta on you or losing my ability to write correctly. No I in this context stands for Isolation.

I really am becoming increasingly convinced that Isolation – for me at least – is indeed at the very edge of sanity.

Now trust me if anyone understand the need to break away and have alone time now and then I do but too much of it is without doubt, at least for me personally a very dangerous and unhealthy thing.

Without regular social interaction, conversation, human contact, real tangible, personal even intimate contact it is so easy to lose your footing, your grounding and to free-fall into the depths – even ( I believe) into insanity.

The trouble is that I prefer the isolation. I enjoy it and become (as Pink Floyd would have it) comfortably numb in it and that comfortable numbness is one of the biggest traps within it.

A few weeks back, my son and his partner moved back in with me whilst waiting to move into their new property and then last week my daughter Janey came to visit and is with me for another week. These two things combined have made me so very much aware of just how isolated I had become and indeed just how dangerous that has been for me.

Sanity versus Insanity I – for Isolation is on the edge? Absolutely and what is scary is isolation is where I have been living and it has already done untold damage.

February 17, 2012 | Categories: Bipolar Disorder, Chronic Fatigue, CFS, CFIDS, & M.E., Depression, Isolation, Mental Health, Mental Illness | Tags: Bipolar Disorder, Depression, Distorted Perceptions, Isolation, Mental Illness, Paranoid Schizophrenia, Personal Journal | 9 Comments »

When F words creep into conversations

I wonder how many other folk experience difficulty actually recognizing when their mental and/or physical health is starting to deteriorate?

For me personally my awareness of any deterioration in my health – be it my physical or mental health really does depend on how sudden or great the deterioration is and sadly there doesn’t seem to be a detectable or predictable pattern in respect of either my mental or my physical health and additionally one often impacts the other.

For example, in respect of one of my physical health issues – my CFS – it either hits me suddenly or seems to creep up on me and the same tends to be true of my mental health. Generally speaking, in respect of both my physical and my mental health alike I would have to say that any sudden change or deterioration tends to be quite radical and thus instantly recognizable. Although with my mental health I am not always left in a position where I myself am able to recognize that change.

Again, generally speaking, any gradual deterioration or change tends to be less noticeable – which of course makes sense really – and so can often be missed. And this leads me to ask myself two important questions…

1. Is it possible that there are signs and indications which are normally there when this happens and that could be picked up on if I, or those around me, were aware of them, and

2. Is it possible for those changes, especially in respect of my mental health, to be so gradual as to change who I am without my even knowing it?

In answer to the first question, I have to say that I think there possibly are signs and indications and if I had to give an example of them, in my own personal situation, they would primarily be present in conversations.

To explain that a little I should perhaps share that I personally live alone and seldom go out. So as a result of this, I have very little regular or frequent interaction with the outside world and so if anyone is going to notice something is wrong it would more probably than not be in my conversations and would I think be in the presence or the amount of ‘f words’ that I use. But possible not the f words that instantly come to mind since I seldom if ever cuss. Let me give you an example…

A couple of days ago, I got it into my head that I wanted to paint a design on my bedroom walls. Some months back now my son and his partner were kind enough to paint them deep green for me. (Not everyone’s taste I know, but I like them and they were kind enough to do it for me). But having had them that way for a few months now it suddenly occurred to me that it might be nice to break them a little by painting a design on them.

So I thought about it and came up with a concept and decided that I would do just that and so then set about moving all the furniture around so as to make room for the painting of this design. The problem is of course that moving all the furniture around was too much for me as, once again, I was not aware that I was just not physically able to do the job.

“Why did you start it?” Was the question asked.

“I just didn’t realize how fatigued I was.” came my honest if not seemingly dense reply.

“But you have mentioned feeling ‘fatigued’ several times over the past week or two.” came the response.

The truth is that I have been feeling fatigued for days even weeks now, and thinking back they were right. I had even mentioned it on several occasions when asked how I was coping or feeling. But somehow that fact hadn’t registered in my brain.

Ah yes that is one of those ‘f words’ – ‘fatigued’. And there are others…

‘Frustrated’ that is another f word and one that often accompanies it’s mate ‘fatigued’. Since I all too often get frustrated at the situation, and indeed myself, when I get fatigued and thus can’t do something – such as finish this darn design which in the past would have taken me less than a day to complete.

And there are other ‘f words’ too. ‘Fuddled’ and ‘Foggy’ being two that I apparently often use when someone asks me how my mind is and when it isn’t good.

‘Fuddled’ and ‘Foggy’. Certainly they are good descriptions of my mind at the moment and yes they are words that I often use when asked how my mind is. But there seems to be a disconnection between my knowing this enough to answer direct questions concerning the current state of my mental health and my continual awareness of my mental health.

It is, if this makes any sense and to use a nautical theme, as if in my ‘fuddled’ and ‘foggy’ state a direct question is enough to offer me just enough light for me to locate and steer in return a clear conscious thought but outside of that I am just bobbing along aimlessly – albeit often in a frustrated state.

Last night I couldn’t sleep (nothing new there) and so I lay there replaying what I could remember of the conversations that I have had recently and there are without doubt – or so it seems to me – certain things that I say which are in fact indicators that things are not what they should be. Those ‘f words’ that I have listed are indeed ones that do seem to fit that bill.

And following that ‘f word’ theme let me address the second question that I posed. “Is it possible for those changes, especially in respect of my mental health, to be so gradual as to change who I am without my even knowing it?“

F for ‘Foreign’. How I am now seems so very foreign to who I used to be.

Over the past months, perhaps even year or so, I have gone from being fairly active and fairly sociable to being far less active and quite unsociable. (Please don’t get me wrong, I am not antisocial just unsociable.) I really don’t have the inclination or the motivation to be with people and I am, on the face of it, quite content with being alone.

Things have happened that have somehow impacted me and I am not even sure what all of those things were any more. Actually I am not even sure I was aware of them all when they were happening.

Certainly there are things that I can put my finger on and which on their own seem fairly insignificant but which when combined have no doubt hurt deeply and had a very real impact on me.

Could it be that their effect has been so gradual, so residual, that they have changed me. I think I know me, and I think I know the me I was, and the me I am, and I am fairly sure that the me I am is ‘foreign’ to the me I was. And I have to question in all of this just how much of a role my mental health has had to play in it all.

Part of my mental health, and here is another ‘f word’ for you, is ‘fastidiousness’ when it comes to my expectations of myself. I have very high expectations and I postmortem everything that I do. Analyzing it and almost ‘fixating’ on it (almost but thankfully not quite fixating) to see if I could have done better, understood it better, reacted better, whether I hurt anyone, offended anyone, etc.

I hear or see some of the ways in which I respond to people or to situations (or more accurately I replay them and then notice) and I don’t like them and don’t recognize myself in them.

Of course that is not to discount the bad, sometimes hurtful behavior or words or wrong attitudes that sometimes cause those responses in me and at the same time I do feel that my mental health is so very ‘fragile’, ‘fractured’ and ‘frail’ at the moment and that it has actually been that way for a long time now.

So I can’t help but ask myself if this ‘foreign’ me is something I have created or become just in order to cope and to not experience another breakdown or alternatively if it is simply the person I have become as a result of all that has happened and that is going on with, in and around me?

February 7, 2012 | Categories: Bipolar Disorder, Chronic Fatigue, CFS, CFIDS, & M.E., Depression, Feelings, Journal Entry, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Mood Swings, Paranoia, Paranoid Schizophrenia, Perceptions, Poor Physical Health, Relationships, Thoughts | Tags: & M.E., Bipolar Disorder, CFIDS, CFS, Chronic Fatigue, Distorted Perceptions, Isolation, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Paranoid Schizophrenia, Personal Journal, Rejection, Relationships, Self-Awareness | 4 Comments »

Picture Me This – The Impact of Perceptions.

First and foremost I want to start this post with an apology for being a little sneaky [Goes to the naughty step and stands on it for a few minutes - although just what the step has done in order for it to be labelled 'naughty' I just don't know.]

Two days ago I posted one of my pen and ink sketches and I asked folk to give me their opinions of it…

I want to thank everyone who commented on it and to confess that actually I posted this picture for a very specific reason which I hope to make clear by the end of this piece.

As an artist I love art and pretty much most forms of art. I thoroughly enjoy my art and creating pieces that folk enjoy and indeed I do try to convey a message or tell a story through my art. But as an artist I soon learned something very important.

Which is that all the time a piece of art remains in my mind it – it’s evolution, life, message and interpretation is mine and pretty much mine alone. But the minute I commit it to canvas or to some other medium and share it with others, its life, its evolution, its message and its interpretation is no longer mine and mine alone. It has become public property and is therefore subject to their influence.

Let me try to explain. Although the picture itself is static and finite and nothing within it changes, the external does change and therefore does influence it. This, I think, can be demonstrated by the comments that I received concerning that first picture – the picture of the unicorn…

“I see a unicorn in trouble and the look in the unicorns eyes has fear in them.”

“The unicorn appears sad to me and I believe it is saying to me “farewell”

“Unicorns are typically depicted as joyful creatures, but this unicorn seems melancholy.”

Each of those statements were made by individual people independent of each other. Notice the slight differences in interpretation concerning the unicorn in the picture.

Likewise here are three separate statements (again each from a different person) concerning the figure behind…

” I see a protector behind the unicorn.”

“I can’t quite tell what that is crossing daggers with the unicorn’s horn. Is it a skull? A rag with holes? I immediately thought it was a skull, but the shape isn’t right.”

“It looks like a figure the grim reaper of death”

And here are a couple of separate individual comments about the unicorn’s main and tassels…

“The tassels on the unicorn remind me of carousels I have been on when I was younger, where the horses and sometimes unicorns wore decorative bridles, which somehow elevates the sadness in the overall picture.”

“The decorations (not sure if that’s the right word–more like, items that designate military rank) make the unicorn seem distinguished, but it also seems as if they are muzzling (and symbolically silencing) the unicorn. And lastly, the unicorn’s mane is especially lustrous.”

And finally a couple of statements concerning the overall picture…

“I suppose the name I would give it is “Death of a Myth” or something like that.”

“And the whole picture to me says that through death one attains eternal life and spiritual insight.”

I need to make something very clear here. Whilst there may be differing perceptions or interpretations of the same finite and static picture, the fact it that each and every one of them is as valid as the next. Indeed the reality is that what I, as the artist, intended in that piece of art in many ways becomes secondary to how others interpret or perceive it.

Additionally and in some ways more importantly, how others interpret or perceive it is more about who they are, what they have been through, and where they are coming from, than it is about who I am, what I have been through or where I am coming from as the artist. For example note the comment, ‘“The tassels on the unicorn remind me of carousels I have been on when I was younger‘.

Of course we are talking about a simple piece of static and finite art here. But doesn’t the same thing also apply, in many ways, to how others perceive us and indeed their perception of our mental-health?

And what about perceptions that are instant, incomplete or even mistaken?

As I said at the start of this post, I have been a little sneaky and I really do apologize for this but I really did want to emphasize a point. As well as the picture I posted two days ago I also posted one yesterday. Yesterday’s picture on the face of it was much simpler. As was the task I asked people to perform…

I published the picture below and I said, “The picture below contains at least one mistake and I wonder if you can readily identify them/it and how long it will take you to do so?”

I then asked folk to look at their clock/watch and then study the picture and find the mistake or mistakes and when they felt they have found it or them to make a note of how long it took them and to then contact me and let me know how long it took and what they felt the mistake or mistakes were.

I want to say that I am truly grateful to everyone who participated. I also want to say that whilst nearly everyone who participated and then commented did in fact locate the most obvious mistake (the one you were meant to find) not one person found (or at least not one person commented on) the more subtle and yet more important mistake.

So what was the obvious mistake? Well here is the answer to that. Check out the last word in the third line and the first word of the fourth line.

The word ‘that’ has been repeated and only one ‘that’ actually belongs in that sentence. Did you spot it? I am sure you probably did.

But what about that second more subtle and more important mistake? Well I did say that I had been sneaky didn’t I? Let me offer you a more correct or more accurate version of that picture…

Now you could easily be forgiven for thinking that actually I have been very sneaky here indeed. But I think the difference and the point is well worth making.

The first picture stated that this blog is about mental health whilst the second more accurately states that the blog is about the author, his mental health and his life. Indeed look at the blog’s tagline next to the small title at the top of the page.

The point is this. Mental health, in my opinion, is never and should never be the focus alone. Mental health is not about mental health for its own sake but about the person, the individual, the life or the lives impacted by it. This blog, whilst certainly dealing with mental health, is not just about mental health, it is about the person impacted by that mental health or the lack thereof.

And more importantly this applies to a great many other blogs written by folk who also face challenges in respect of their own mental health.

To focus on the mental health alone would be so very wrong and, I suggest, therefore a mistake.

And let’s not lose sight of those ‘perceptions’ and those ‘interpretations’ in all of this.

In my explanation of the first picture I demonstrated how perceptions and interpretations of that first static, finite, picture – the unicorn picture – were as much about the person making those interpretations, those perceptions, as they were about me the artist or indeed what I intended to convey.

In this second example, the same truths apply.

In my invitation concerning the second picture – the purple one – I deliberately mentioned that there could be more than one mistake in it. At no point did I suggest there would only be one mistake and at no point did I suggest when to stop looking for mistakes.

True, in the picture I provided a fairly obvious mistake but I never once suggested it was the only one or that anyone should stop looking for others once they had found that one obvious mistake.

And isn’t that sadly representative of life and people? Isn’t it true that when someone comes across a mistake or something different they make instant decisions or stop looking beyond the mistake or that something different?

Sometime a person’s mental health can affect them, or come to the fore, in such a way that it causes behavior or responses that people automatically latch onto and from which they make instant decisions and ones that shape their relationship or indeed their desire to form or to not form a relationship with that person.

But in so doing, in making instant decisions based on limited or incorrectly presented or incorrectly perceived or interpreted information, we can all to easily lose out on so much more that someone has to offer.

Since starting this blog, some three years ago now, I have been so blessed to get to know of other wonderful and inspiring blogs and wonderful and inspiring bloggers. Many of the blogs that I read or follow or occasionally visit do indeed deal with mental health and mental health related issues. In that, those blogs and this one, have things in common, but even more than that, each and every one of them is written but some of the most courageous and inspirational people it has been my honor to come into contact with.

I truly believe that when it comes to mental health, just like so many things, until we all learn to look beyond the condition and to see the person we will continue to miss out on so very much that is available to us.

February 5, 2012 | Categories: Mental Health, Mental Illness, Perceptions | Tags: Distorted Perceptions, Mental Health, Mental Illness | 7 Comments »

Picture Me This Too/Two

Yesterday I posted a short piece (Picture Me This) and I asked for your participation.

The piece included a picture and actually that isn’t unusual for me at all. But unusually on this blog, instead of my finding a picture relevant to the piece I was writing or even my ‘Photoshopping’ [hm is that actually a word?] a picture or three and adding them to the piece, the picture I posted yesterday was one I had sketched years ago.

For this piece, which is not totally unrelated, I am back to the good old Photoshop process, and like yesterday’s picture (which if you haven’t had a chance to see or to participate in please do) I thought it might be interesting to invite you to participate once again.

Ok. Take a look at your computer clock or your watch and see what time it is. Cool, thank you. Now, look at the picture below. The picture below contains at least one mistake and I wonder if you can readily identify them/it and how long it will take you to do so?

Please feel free to send your answers and how long it took you and how easy or difficult you found it via the comment section below. Many thanks for participating and also many thanks for participating in yesterday’s ‘Picture Me This‘ piece.

Once again I will be delaying the publishing of answers so that everyone has a fair chance of answering for themselves.

Kind Regards.

Kevin

February 5, 2012 | Categories: Perceptions, Quiz | Tags: Competition, Fun, Perceptions, Quiz, Trivia | 5 Comments »

Picture Me This…

I wonder if you would do something for me? Well with me really.

I thought today I would share one of my pen and ink drawings with you and ask you to study it for a few minutes and then let me know what you think. To take the role of an art critic for a moment or two if you would.

All you have to do is to take a good look at it for a few minutes, if you will, and ask yourself some questions…

Do you like it? Do you find it appealing? Do you like the over all presentation? What do you like least about it?

Consider it in its entirety. Consider each aspect of it. Consider its content. Consider its balance. Ask where your eye is naturally drawn on it. Consider the three main characters if you will – the unicorn, the figure behind the unicorn, the moon. Which of the three do you like most? Which do you connect with, if indeed you connect with any of them?

What is the unicorn saying to you? What is the figure behind saying to you? What is the inclusion of the moonlight saying to you? What is the whole picture saying to you?

If you were to give the picture a name or to describe it what name would you give it? How would you describe it?

Perhaps you would even be kind enough to comment below and to let me know your answers to the questions above. I really would be grateful and yes there really is a point to all of this.

So that no-one’s answers are influenced by the comments/answers submitted by others, I am not going to publish any comments submitted until a little later.

Additionally, if you want to comment but don’t want others to know they are your answers, just say so in your comments and I will make a note of that and will copy and publish your comments under my name but won’t identify who actually made them.

I look forward to your comments and I really do appreciate your doing this

February 4, 2012 | Categories: Uncategorized | 6 Comments »

Bipolar Disorder and Sleep Patterns Poll – Closing Soon!

A couple of weeks ago I posted a small piece on Bipolar Disorder and Sleep Patterns and in that piece I added a poll.

This poll has now been running for a couple of weeks and although I have been very grateful to fellow bloggers who re-posted/re-blogged about the poll and encouraged their readers to participate I have to admit the number of folk actually participating to date has been quite poor.

What I don’t want to happen is for the poll to simply be forgotten or to simply run on endlessly with no real results no matter how small. So I thought it best to set a date when I will close the poll and since the poll was launched on the 19th of January the 19th of February seems a very good date for this poll to close.

So that then is the official date for this poll closing: February 19th, 2012.

If you haven’t had a chance to participate in this poll but would like to you can find it here. Bipolar Disorder and Sleep Patterns Poll.

I really would like to thank all my fellow bloggers for taking time to publish this poll and to encourage their readers to participate. Once the poll is closed I will then publish the results so that everyone can see the percentages.

Again many thanks to all those who took part and who encouraged others to take part.

Kind regards,

Kevin

February 3, 2012 | Categories: Announcement, Bipolar Disorder and Sleep | Tags: Announcement, Bipolar DIsorder and Sleep | 2 Comments »

If Only You Could Read My Mind.

Wait a minute, perhaps one day you will be able to?

Here’s a headline for you…

“As scientists discover how to ‘translate’ brainwaves into words… Could a machine read your innermost thoughts?”

That headline is taken from Mail Online – The Daily Mail’s website and the full article can be found here.

And the Daily Mail are not alone in reporting this news. How about this headline taken from The Telegraph and published the day before yesterday…

“Mind-reading device could become reality”

Interesting stuff isn’t it? The Telegraph’s article accompanying the above headline (excuse the pun) can be found here.

In essence, if I am correct in my understanding, both of these articles center around research being done by the University of California at Berkley through which, according to the Telegraph’s Science Correspondent Nick Collins, “researchers demonstrated that the brain breaks down words into complex patterns of electrical activity, which can be decoded and translated back into an approximate version of the original sound.” ¹

It is that ‘electrical activity’, and it’s source, that interested me when reading these articles. According to what I read, research was done using 15 volunteer patients with epilepsy who were undergoing exploratory surgery to find the cause of their seizures.

A series of electrodes was connected to the patients brain via a hole in the skull and activity within the temporal lobe (a speech processing area of the brain) was then monitored whilst the patient listened to a short (5-10 minutes) conversation.

Through a process of then breaking the conversation down into the component sounds of that conversation, researches were then able to develop two computer modules that were able to match those individual component sounds with specific brain activity/signals. The process was then tested, as I understand it, by the patient then being played those component sounds and the researchers (who presumably could not hear those sounds at that point) predicting which sounds they were from the activity/signals of the patient’s brain.

It really is a fascinating piece of research and as David Derbyshire of the Mail pointed out in his article…

“It’s a staggering development that could have tremendous implications. Doctors could one day allow patients struck dumb by strokes or brain damage to communicate through the power of thought.”²

Of course he goes on to effectively point out that this same technology could also be used for evil as well as good, but then it is a newspaper article and so one has to expect and indeed it is a relevant point. But for me personally I am interested in this subject from a slightly different perspective.

Whilst both of these articles point out the benefits of this research and its findings to folk who, for one reason or another, experience difficulty communicating but what if we were to take this research and explore things in a slightly different direction? What about those folk for whom lack of communication is not the primary concern but for whom over-communication or jumbled communication is an issue?

The concept that the brain functions through individual or patterns of electrical activity is by no means new. Nor is the concept that our brain communicates the interpretation of external stimuli (for want of a less clumsy expression) such as sounds, smells, images etc, through electrical activity. But to be able to identify activity or signals in the brain that are specific to the sound constructs of individual words is very exciting indeed.

Consider, if you will, one of the ways in which we teach our children – or indeed folk who do not speak the same language as us – how to communicate. We pick something up(or point to it), show it to the child or the other person, clearly and often repetitively say its name, and invite the child (or the other person) to say the object’s name by effectively mimicking the sound we have just made. Doing this repeatedly affords the association between the sound and the object.

So theoretically, if we were able to recognize and identify our brain’s electrical patterns or signals specific to individual items, words and sounds, then we should be able to build and establish a database of these patterns or signals. If that was the case then the possibilities are countless.

In my own situation I often suffer from night terrors or nightmares, but can seldom remember them when I awake. Psychologically speaking, it is believed that these can be caused as a result of unresolved issues, and yet if I can not recall the contents of these night terrors or nightmares how can I attempt to resolve them?

One option of course is hypnosis, but how much more effective a solution would it be if instead of hypnosis the relevant electrical activity of brain was monitored and recorded and then compared with our database of patterns and signals and an accurate picture or storybook of my dreams produced and the relevant issues addressed?

And we can go even further can we not? As someone who has schizophrenia and who suffers from what are often termed as ‘auditory hallucinations’ (or paracusia) this research could have major benefits for folk like me and indeed in respect of lots of mental-health related conditions .

As I said, the potential implications are countless. But let’s not get too excited too soon.

The fact of the matter is that whilst this research is extremely exciting and does have far-reaching implications, it is still very much in its infancy when it c0mes to its development and application and indeed those implications. It is, without doubt, likely to be years before these are fully explored or before scientists and indeed technology have reached the point where it can be fully developed.

But hey, I look forward to the day when I can download an app that lets me know what I am thinking

February 2, 2012 | Categories: Insomnia, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Paranoid Schizophrenia, Thoughts | Tags: Distorted Perceptions, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Paranoid Schizophrenia | 5 Comments »

Daring To Be… Apologetic.

Yesterday I posted an article on this blog that was entitled ‘Dare To Be Different’.

In the article I sought to highlight and in some ways address some of the damage that has, is, and can still be done by the stigma and discrimination that is all too often thrown about to and concerning those who suffer from poor mental-health.

To emphasize my point I listed (I think) about 18 different things all of which do, or potentially do, suffer from one form of discrimination or another or that have, or potentially have, a stigma attached to them – even in this day and age.

I also mentioned how easy it is to adopt ownership of that harmful and wrongful stigma and discrimination or indeed the effects generated by them.

Ironically, what I didn’t realize is that actually – even though I am mindful of this potentially happening to all of us, I too am just as susceptible to it as anyone else and in some ways I already have adopted some of these effects.

In a comment responding to that piece Luna Sunshine, (a fellow blogger and one whose work I really do appreciate and respect) gently pointed out to me that I had in some ways adopted for myself the very labels that I believe to be wrong, harmful and unhealthy and that as a result of this the language and/or terminology that I used in this piece propagated that wrongful/unhealthy practice.

In response to this I have this evening edited the article/posting in question and I would like to take this opportunity to thank Luna for taking time to comment and to do so in such a caring and gentle way and to apologize to anyone who read the original posting for my oversight and for any offense or difficulty that I may have caused.

I truly am sorry.

Kind Regards,

Kevin.

February 1, 2012 | Categories: Announcement | Tags: Announcement | 1 Comment »

But Soft! What Light Through Yonder Window – Oh who cares, just turn it off!

LOL No I have not been invited to take up the role of Romeo and prance around Capulet’s Orchard in tights in the Royal Shakespeare Company’s next performance of Romeo and Juliet. (Now there’s a mental image no one needs to have – me prancing around in tights)

And NO the light is not SOFT!

It is piercing and frustrating and whilst I am very grateful to God for blessing us with the sun and all its radiant light and warmth (much-needed warmth at the moment I might add) when you haven’t slept properly for days, the presence of that light though yonder window can be just a little irritating!

But actually it is a different kind of light that I am thinking of and very much grateful for at the moment. The light at the end of the proverbial tunnel and hopefully it isn’t just another on-coming train!

Over the past few days a great deal has been happening…

Lots of re-wiring being done in my house – for which I am very grateful and most delighted with the results,

A way too complicated design and printing job that I undertook for one of my neighbors, which is now finished!

Conceptualizing and Designing a new blog – which I have now also finished.

Maintaining a couple of websites.

Trying to sort out my finances.

Trying BUT FAILING MISERABLY to get some sleep!

I think my difficulty with and subsequent lack of sleep is the one aspect of my mental and physical health that I find the most debilitating and harmful of all. It has far-reaching effects on the rest of my health. It makes me too tired to exercise and fight my weight problem. It affects my focus and memory. It affords my mind far too much time to play games or tricks or to explore harmful avenues of thought.

Even the things that I love to do, such as writing and reading my bible, drawing, painting, blogging etc become too great an effort and yet I am so very grateful that I am still able to function to the level I am.

The Bible says ( I think in Psalm 121) that God (he who watches over Israel) “will neither slumber nor sleep” which is wonderful assurance for us all but on a slightly more humorous note if He needs someone to chat with in the wee small hours, I am usually awake and available LOL.

Although with my memory, focus and comprehension impaired the way it normally is when I get this tired, I am not sure how much sense I would make?

I am aware that the bible is not something everyone sets much store by and thus get much comfort from and indeed I do try not to push or to be seen as trying to push my personal faith on others but I will share that one Psalm that always gives me comfort is Psalm 63.

For me it not only recognizes our need but also who is the ultimate source of help and additionally and perhaps just as importantly it reminds me to keep on praising and remaining positive.

My heart goes out to anyone who has difficulty sleeping and I know from some of the comments that I have received and from visiting fellow blogger’s blogs that I am not alone in this difficulty. As for myself, I am so very tired and yet so very grateful for all that has been happening over the past few days and so very committed to ‘keeping on’ and indeed to strive towards that proverbial light at the end of the tunnel.

And if it is yet another oncoming train I will just have to leap out of its path! Let’s just hope that my Romeo tights don’t get caught on something as I am leaping.

Oops there’s that mental image again sorry!

February 1, 2012 | Categories: Bipolar Disorder, Bipolar Disorder and Sleep, Chronic Fatigue, CFS, CFIDS, & M.E., Depression, Faith, Insomnia, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Paranoid Schizophrenia, Poor Physical Health | Tags: & M.E., Bipolar Disorder, Bipolar DIsorder and Sleep, CFIDS, CFS, Chronic Fatigue, Depression, Insomnia, Mental Health, Mental Illness | 5 Comments »

Dare To Be Different!

I decided to do something today.

What have I done?

Well I have compiled a list. And here it is….

Definitely Christian.

Definitely not a native of this country.

Definitely Foreign therefore.

Definitely Low – Incomed.

Definitely and Obviously Fat.

Definitely and Obviously Obese.

Definitely and Obviously Physically Ill.

Definitely and Obviously Disabled.

Definitely (and sometimes obviously) Mentally Ill.

Definitely Periodically Experiences Suicidal Ideation.

Definitely Periodically Experiences Self-Harming.

Definitely Fifty (this year).

Definitely a Single Parent.

Definitely Single.

Definitely Male.

Possibly a Traveler.

Possibly a member of the unsettled community.

Possibly of Jewish Origin.

There you go, that is my list. In as much as it is a list of the related things that I could readily come up with for the purpose of this article.

So what is it a list of?

Well, if you haven’t already guessed, it is a list of things that all do or potentially do suffer from one form of discrimination or another or that have or potentially have a stigma attached to them even in this day and age.

Do me a favor if you will? – Check that list again for me and see if you can find the truly offensive items listed there within.

Found it? No? Interesting, neither could I. Then why is it that in this day and age we are still treating people who fit one or more of those items listed (and remember they are just those that apply to me personally and there are therefore many others) with injustice, disdain or ridicule?

I ask this question not because of anything has happened to cause me offense or bring this matter to the for today but because Social Stigma has been something I have been dealing with all of my working life within the Social Care sector and indeed even longer in my personal life.

Nor, I should point out, do I believe that you the reader are personally guilty of this kind of thinking. Or do I? Indeed am I also guilty of it?

Dorothy Law Nolte PhD wrote a piece called ‘Children Learn What They Live‘ and it is indeed an excellent piece of writing that points out (as the title suggests) that children will learn those things that they have to live with. But as excellent as it is I would suggest that we can apply it to other quarters…

Schizophrenic’s learn what they live, Mental Illness Sufferers learn what they live, Single mothers or fathers learn what they live. Etc.

If you want to put it to the test click on this ‘Children Learn What They Live’ link and everywhere you see the word ‘Children’ substitute it with ‘someone with schizophrenia’, or ‘a person with poor mental health’ or something that is appropriate to your circumstances and see if it still applies. I bet in a lot of cases it does.

And lets not forget that very often what we experience now very often has long-lasting effects….

Children NOT ONLY Learn What They Live but they can then go on to Live In Their Later life What They Learned In Their Childhood.

It is a very interesting thought isn’t it?

A few paragraphs above I made this statement, “Nor, I should point out, do I believe that you the reader are personally guilty of this kind of thinking. Or do I? Indeed am I also guilty of it?”

I really did not mean any offense by that statement and I sincerely hope none was inadvertently taken from it. In fact when I ask if you and I are also guilty of that kind of thinking I am not meaning in our thinking concerning other people but concerning ourselves.

I entitled this article “Dare To Be Different” because that is what I want to encourage us all to be…

Different from those people who so sadly still have wrongful, unjust, harsh, disdainful and harmful attitudes within society today.

Different even from who we have learned to become as a result of this stigma and discrimination being targeted against us.

Different therefore in as much as we will not even allow ourselves to adopt (or to go on having) for ourselves and concerning ourselves, such stigma and discrimination.

To give full credit to and to borrow from Dorothy Law Nolte’s piece how about we make the following commitment to ourselves and to each other….

Even though I as ‘someone with schizophrenia‘ live with criticism, I WILL NOT learn to condemn.
Even though I as ‘someone with schizophrenia‘ live with hostility, I WILL NOT learn to fight.
Even though I as ‘someone with schizophrenia‘ live with fear, I WILL NOT learn to be apprehensive.
Even though I as ‘someone with schizophrenia‘ live with pity, I WILL NOT learn to feel sorry.
Even though I as ‘someone with schizophrenia‘ live with ridicule, I WILL NOT learn to feel shy.
Even though I as ‘someone with schizophrenia‘ live with jealousy, I WILL NOT learn to feel envy.
Even though I as ‘someone with schizophrenia‘ live with shame, I WILL NOT learn to feel guilty.

[For the purpose of this exercise I have used 'someone with schizophrenia' but you can simply substitute something more appropriate to your own circumstances in its place...]

And how about we commit to this not only in respect of our thinking towards others but ALSO towards ourselves and by so doing we can all Dare To Be Different!

[Editor's Note: The above article - originally published 31/01/2012 was edited and altered in response to a comment made concerning it. This comment was legitimate and extremely helpful and can be found below and a fuller explanation and apology concerning the original article ca be found here. I would very much like to thanks Luna Sunshine for her kindness and for taking time to gently point out my errors within the original piece.]

January 31, 2012 | Categories: Behavior, Bipolar Disorder, Bullying, Chronic Fatigue, CFS, CFIDS, & M.E., Covert Subtle Self-Harming, Depression, Feelings, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Mental Illness Stigma, Obesity, Paranoia, Paranoid Schizophrenia, Poor Physical Health, Relationships, Self-Doubt, Self-Loathing, Stigma | Tags: & M.E., Bipolar Disorder, CFIDS, CFS, Chronic Fatigue, Depression, Distorted Perceptions, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Mental Illness Stigma, Obesity, Paranoid Schizophrenia, Rejection, Self-Doubt, Self-Image, Self-Loathing, Stgma | 7 Comments »

When You Are Caught Between A Rock and A Hard Place

I am sitting here wishing that I was in bed right now and the truth is that the only thing stopping me from being in bed right now is me.

This weekend has been absolutely wonderful and apart from some minor tidying up that needs to be done all of the re-routing and re-wiring of my telephones, internet and televisions is finished and I am so very delighted with the results.

Whilst all this was going on I also decided it was time from some spring cleaning and a little furniture re-arranging in my bedroom and again I am delighted with the results but once again it has all come at a cost.

I am so very tired right now and on top of that I am experiencing fairly significant chest pains. Nothing too bad and I don’t think there is any great cause for concern. I have taken both an Aspirin and used my GTN spray and indeed will be making my way to bed very shortly. But see that is one of the problems. I have Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and in fact bed rest does nothing or at best next to nothing for this illness and yet mental and physical activity can aggravate it.

However, on checking my blood glucose levels (I am a type 2 diabetic) they are very high for some reason. I am not sure why this is as I ate some hours back now and haven’t eaten any fatty, sweet, or sugary foods and there has been no drastic change to my diet today.

Of course the recommended way of quickly reducing your blood sugars is to burn them off via physical activity but then how does one do that when physical and mental activity only serves to aggravate the Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and when avoidance of it is highly recommended when you are experience significant chest pains?

This I think very clearly reflects one of the major difficulties that so many of us who experience a number of health issues face. Situations where the treatment for one condition would instantly or seriously aggravate another condition.

For many of us we really are caught between a rock and a hard place when it comes to our health and it is sometimes so very difficult not to let this drag you down emotionally and indeed mentally. It is also very difficult when well-meaning friends and family members only see one part of the whole picture and offer you advice on that one part without any consideration off the other aspects of your health or any real understanding of the bigger picture.

And I think this is prevalent as an experience within folk who experience both mental and physical health issues combined and actually it can even be a difficulty experienced when dealing with doctors who specialize in one aspect of health but have a very limited knowledge of other aspects. I am fairly certain I am not the only person to experience this and I really would be interested to hear what others have to share in respect of their experiences in this regard?

Whilst going to bed will not benefit me in respect of my Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, it is advisable in respect of my chest pains and the fact that I am at the moment so week I am finding it very difficult to stay upright.

Thankfully I am not alone in the house tonight and I will be drinking lots of water as this I understand also can help lower blood sugar levels.

For me personally, and in respect of my current ailments, aches and pains I am determined that this is not going to drag me down tonight. I am going to go get into bed, watch television and sketch or paint a little. Sometimes when you are caught between a rock and hard place all you can do is make cave paintings

January 29, 2012 | Categories: Chronic Fatigue, CFS, CFIDS, & M.E., Journal Entry | Tags: & M.E., CFIDS, CFS, Chronic Fatigue, Personal Journal | 7 Comments »

A Hectic Day But One So Full Of Blessings!

Ever have one of those days when you have planned just doesn’t happen and yet what does happen is so much better?

Well today was one of those days and I am soooooooo happy!

I had a lay in this morning as a result of my having a particularly rough night with next to no sleep whatsoever as a result of my going through a very rapid cycling phase at the moment with mood swings coming fast and furious.

When I did get up and after I had partaken of my compulsory first cup of coffee – which is to me what antifreeze is to a car engine – I checked my emails and received notifications of the two additional nominations for the Versatile Blogger Award. What an excellent start to the day.

After writing a post thanking those kind bloggers who nominated me I decided that I would do some filing and computer work that I need to get caught up on. Not because of any dead-lines but simply because it has been on my mind of late. But my son and his partner turned up and took me into town for dinner and to buy some equipment for an extensive change around in my Internet system within my home and that my son and I have been discussing of late.

Because I am disabled and as a result of my health I live in a bungalow here in Ireland and one that is fairly long as a result of it having enough rooms for myself, my son, and the live in carer that I am meant to have but absolutely refuse to have.

This of course makes it harder to keep the place clean and tidy and I am a bit of a clean freak when it comes to my home but the main problem is that the signal from the wireless router that was installed in my study doesn’t reach all the way to the end of my bungalow. This therefore meant that it has been very difficult for me to sit in the comfort of my lounge and use my laptop or my android pad.

So Matthew and I had discussed moving the router into the hallway but there were a couple of major problems with this. Firstly there were no power points out there and secondly there were no telephone points out there.

But as I say, today Matthew and Trish took me into town to get some equipment and he has now not only installed a power-point and a telephone socket and moved my wireless router into the hallway outside of my study but also installed a power-point and a second wireless router at the other end of my bungalow. So I now have wireless access in ever room of my home and also in my garden and I am delighted.

Wanting to do a good job and keen to make sure that I remain safe, not only has he done this for me but he has also started to re-route all of the network cabling, telephone cabling and television cabling up through the attic space and down into the rooms. This way not only does it make my hallways look a lot tidier but it also means that there is less chance of me falling over any loose cables should they come free from the walls. It isn’t quite finished but since it is so late we will complete this mammoth re-wiring task sometime tomorrow.

Whilst Matthew was doing this I took the opportunity to install a couple of additional hands-free cordless telephones, one in the kitchen and one in my study and this means that I am now much safer as, since I have a habit of falling, no matter what room I am in (other than the bathrooms) there will always be a telephone handy should I need to ring him or the ambulance service for help.

I also took the opportunity to do something that I have been wanting to do for a very long time now. To clean my wireless keyboard by stripping it down, removing each and every key, and thoroughly cleaning them individually before then putting them all back. Something that has its risks not only because of the various springs and connections involved and the need to replace them all the keys correctly but also because in the past when I have been rapid cycling like this I have started a project of this type whilst manic only to then have m,y mood crash and simply not be bothered to finish it all.

So as you can see today (although technically it was yesterday now since it passed midnight a few minutes back) really was an excellent day. But I am so very drained now and really need to try to rest so I am going to try to go rest. Tomorrow is (as they say) another day and there is a lot still to be done.

January 29, 2012 | Categories: Announcement, Bipolar Disorder, Bipolar Disorder and Sleep, Mood Swings, Rapid Cycling | Tags: Announcement, Bipolar Disorder, Mood Swings, Rapid Cycling | Leave A Comment »

The Versatile Blogger Award – So very grateful.

A little while back now I was so very blessed to be nominated for, and thus to receive, The Versatile Blogger Award.

I think for me the greatest blessing of this award is the fact that it is an award given to bloggers by other bloggers. Participating bloggers nominate other bloggers whom they feel are deserving of the award and once that blogger is nominated they receive the award and then also get to nominate other bloggers.

So it really does mean a great deal to me and I was, and am, so very grateful to Lulu from ‘As The Pendulum Swings‘ for nominating me. That was actually only as far back as the 10th of this month.

So imagine how much more I delighted, blessed, and grateful I am to learn today that I have been given this award a further two times.

CarlaRenee45 from ‘Seasons Change, Change and Change‘ and Piperou7 from ‘My Life In Pills‘, both of which being really great bloggers and having very interesting blogs of their own have just nominated me for this award

So I want to give a really big thank you to CarlaRenee45 and to Piperou7 (and of course to Lulu for originally nominating me) for their kindness and their confidence in this blog/site.

Having received this award there are several things that you have to do and having already done these on my original nomination I won’t bore you all by repeating them here. But those who missed them and who are interested can find my original award post here – Yay an Award! Now that is a blessing and somewhat bemusing.

So there you have it. Two more very gratefully received blessings to start my day off with.

Again, I am so very grateful!

Kind Regards,

Kevin.

January 28, 2012 | Categories: Announcement, Awards, Versatile Blogger Award | Tags: Announcement, Awards, Versatile Blogger Award | 3 Comments »

New Rating System – Trying an Experiment.

Whilst playing with the dashboard of this blog/site I noticed that it had a ‘Ratings’ Section.

So I thought I would experiment a little and enable the Ratings System on this site and see if readers liked it.

Basically readers can now rate each post and indeed comments by simply clicking on the rating section appearing at the end of them.

As a writer/blogger I appreciate each and every comment that is made and hope that these will continue but it is also important to me that my work remain relevant and enjoyable and the rating system (if used) is a way of my seeing whether folk are enjoying my stuff.

So underneath each posting you should see the same picture that appears in the red box below. All you have to do it to click on the number of stars you wish to award as a rating.

Posts Rating System Example

In terms of comments, the rating system is above each of the comments and is shown in the picture in the red box below. All you have to do is click on the hand with thumb up if you like the comment and the hand with the thumb down f you really dislike the comment. (Which I hope no one will)

Comments Rating System Example

I have to be honest I am less sure about the rating of comments but did want to afford folk the chance to easily express their appreciation or agreement with things other readers have said.

But of course it really is up to you the reader whether or not you think the rating system is a good idea and if you would use such a system? I really would like to know your opinions on this.

So how about dropping me a comment and letting me know your views on this?

Many thanks and Kind Regards,

Kevin.

January 27, 2012 | Categories: Announcement | Tags: Announcement, Rating System | 8 Comments »

Reality Television – Is It Society’s Attention Deficit Disorder?

Ok so it is gone 5 in the morning and guess who can’t sleep? Yep you guessed it!

Once again I find that my sleep is unsettled and broken. For the record I did actually go to bed early and indeed did manage to sleep (albeit restlessly) for a couple of hours and then I woke up. Just to add to the fun I then went to remove my breathing mask ( I have to use a CPAP machine when I sleep) and the mask broke in my hands. About a foot and half of sticky tape later and it is just about useable but I am somewhat frustrated about it to say the least. So I need to vent a little…

So I am awake and laying there and I zap the television to life with the remote control and start deftly navigating my way through the channels in search of something bearable to watch.

Saint’s preserve us there is a heck of a lot of dross on television early in the morning!! If I didn’t have mental health issues before I started watching twilight television I sure as heck would have by the end of it I reckon. It really is just an endless stream of tele-commercials and ‘Reality Television’

Now whilst I am certain that I gave the tele-commercial’s sugary sweet announcer’s earnest suggestion that my life, romance and appeal would be greatly improved by my purchasing the latest no wire one size fits all push up bra, I decided not to reach for credit card and phone!

hm, does this colour look good on me?

My man boobs are anything but perky and trust me one size fits all in my case just doesn’t work. It would be like trying to force two sacks of jelly into a couple of ice-cream cones. Just not gonna happen.

Which sad realization led me to the world of Television Reality Shows! Heavens above they are weird and is it just me or do most Television Reality Shows lack (um what’s the word I am looking for here? On yes that’s it) REALITY!

Now don’t get me wrong here, whilst I would be the first to admit that there is such a thing as good reality television I have to say that most of it is, in my humble opinion, just car-crash television. But what is worse is that it is often just a vehicle through which unscrupulous money-orientated television production companies prey on the less fortunate in life in order to make mega bucks and in the process use the tragedies and/or sometimes seemingly desperate need for attention or recognition of folk who need very real help to do so.

And I think that is the thing that concerns me the most in all this.

Those folk who desperately do need help and who really should not be allowed or encouraged to let themselves be paraded like performing seals just for the entertainment of the masses. Let’s be honest here. There are folk who crave attention in order to ‘achieve’ or to feel that they have ‘made it’ or that they have some worth in life.

The fact is that they already have worth and (at the risk of sounding like a grumpy old git) isn’t it a sad indictment of society and the values we hold if we are producing a culture where this kind of attention seeking is to be valued?

As someone who loves music and singing I consider myself to have a fairly good voice and at least a limited amount of talent when it comes to singing. My love of music and singing has meant that of the plethora of mindless dross of reality TV that is out there I have and do sometimes watch television talent shows such as Pop Idol, X Factor, The Voice of Ireland (possibly one of the better ones), and America’s (or Britain’s) Got Talent.

I admit it. Some of them I actually enjoy watching. But what I don’t enjoy (and I have to say I haven’t seen this happening on The Voice of Ireland) is when they show folk who clearly can’t sing or clearly don’t have the talent they thought they had and do so in a way that is demeaning or ridiculing or embarrassing for the person concerned just because it allegedly ‘makes for good TV’ .

We have to be careful here don’t we?

As someone who suffers from poor mental health I know that one of the symptoms of my mental health is altered perceptions. Sometimes I perceive things incorrectly. I know it, admit it and I trust on those who care for me and who love me to let me know when I am going through some wrong thinking. [Hey I just sat and photo-shopped a picture of me to make it look like I am wearing a bra and then I published it on the internet - how's that for wrong thinking? lol]

But seriously, where is the moral compass when it comes to what will or won’t be shown on the so-called ‘reality television shows’? Well I guess the plain simple truth is that if the producers and commissioners of such programs won’t use one then we have to be that moral compass and use the power of the ‘ratings’ and the ‘remote control’.

Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD) and Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) are very serious life-impacting conditions and I do not in any way mean to disrespect them or make fun of them through this article.

If anyone is offended by my using these terms in connection with the ever popular so-called ‘reality TV’ that is pumped through our televisions and the seemingly ever-increasing desire for ‘fame at any cost’, then I apologize and I hope that regular readers will know me by now and know that I mean no disrespect here.

But I think the point I am making through using this term is still valid and relevant. At a time when censoring and such things as SOPA and PIPA and the even more outrageous and deeply dangerous and concerning ACTA are very relevant I am not talking of censoring for the sake of censoring here. But what I am talking about is a very real need for good old common sense, decency, and mutual respect.

January 27, 2012 | Categories: Behavior, Bipolar Disorder, Depression, Insomnia, Mania and/or Manic Episodes, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Paranoia, Paranoid Schizophrenia, Thoughts | Tags: Bipolar Disorder, Bipolar DIsorder and Sleep, Depression, Distorted Perceptions, Insomnia, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Paranoid Schizophrenia | 8 Comments »

Mind The Gap! – Of Undergrounds, Couches and Functionality

Gaps are important, aren’t they?

They are all over the place, if you really think about it. But whilst we are aware of them on some level or another perhaps we all too often ignore them.

Of course sometimes they come with warnings…

Although I now live in Ireland, and have done so for several years, I grew in England and spent many a holiday up in London holidaying with family. So dashing to and fro on the London Underground was a very common thing for me.

Although I have very few specific childhood memories and indeed could not for the life of me remember even one of the many journeys I must have taken on the tube (the London Underground). I do still recall the yellow line and writing painted on the edge of the platforms of each Tube Station that read ‘MIND THE GAP’. Actually I also remember the loud public address system announcement that very clearly warned everyone to ‘MIND THE GAP’ each and every time a tube pulled into a station and the doors opened.

Of course some gaps can bring both bad and good fortune…

I think we have probably all lost things down in the gaps of the cushions of our couches/sofas and by the same token I imagine we have probably all found things down there that we never knew were there.

I can remember a time when the gaps between the cushions of the couch and indeed those around the sides and back of the couch were my son’s go to place for lost coins whenever he asked me for money and I had none on me to give him. Actually, having just typed that, I am reminded that there have been times when they were my go to place if I had run out of smokes and didn’t have enough cash to buy some.

But some gaps are less obvious and instead of coming with a warning actually are a warning….

Gaps in functionality are I think one example of this.

As someone who suffers from very poor physical and mental health I consider myself very fortunate (or in Christian terms very blessed) to be able to achieve the things that I am able to achieve and to function at the level that I am generally able to function at. Naturally I have good and bad days, good weeks and bad weeks, sometimes even longer periods, but I am grateful for how I am able to function most of the time.

But even when I am able to function at a high level is everything always ok?

Well, the honest answer has to be no. Even at my best I may still not be ‘right’ or ‘OK’ and there may still be things in my functionality that are going awry or that might be missed from time to time or even completely overlooked until they become a major issue.

There have been and are, without doubt, times when on the face of it things seem to be going OK and I seem to be coping well but actually if you look more closely there are gaps in my functionality that might not at first be noticed. These gaps in functionality are, I think, extremely important and can very often be indicators that something is not right. And sometimes, I believe, there are specific gaps that repeatedly appear and thus are good indicators, if we were to but notice them.

For example, in my own situation I usually live alone and I like to keep a clean and tidy home. But I suffer from both poor mental health and poor physical health. Interestingly, because of the conditions and illnesses that I have, both my physical and mental health, whilst never being good, do often cycle into severe episodes.

In terms of my physical health, when it decreases I am not able to maintain the level of cleanliness and tidiness that I would like and normally maintain for my home.

In fact, I remember being told off by one of my friends, when she called to visit me one day. She told me off for having told her that I was OK when I wasn’t. “Whose saying I am not OK?” I asked, still trying to maintain the impression that everything was alright.

“Your house is.” She answered, with a gentle smile. “Don’t get me wrong, it is still clean and tidy, but not anywhere near as clean and tidy as you usually keep it and that always means you are struggling with your health.”

She was right and no I shouldn’t have said I was alright when I wasn’t. But of course we are all human – yes even those of us with mental health issues are still human – and yes we all vary in our levels of functionality and very few of us actually like to admit it and thus be a burden to others.

But isn’t it also true that we sometimes choose to ignore those ‘gaps’ in our functionality because we want so badly for everything to be or to seem to be alright?

Just as my home, or it’s level of tidiness, is a gap that can often be an indicator in respect of my level of physical functionality there are gaps that are good indicators as my level of mental functionality.

The inability to; write fluidly, think cohesively, remember things, focus properly, manage my finances correctly, are all gaps in my functionality that appear when my mental health worsens.

These gaps in our normal level of functionality are, I believe extremely, important. So too is our noticing, acknowledging and responding to them and/or our caretakers or carers noticing, acknowledging and responding to them.

In this article I have mentioned one or two examples of the gaps which appear in my own functionality when my physical or mental health worsen and which are good indicators of their worsening. As I said above, these do not come with warnings as much as they are indeed warnings themselves.

One of the things that I need to do is, having identified these warning gaps in my functionality is to let those closest to me know what they are and to then be honest with them when they appear and to ask them to be honest with me if and when they see these gaps appearing.

Perhaps you can think of specific gaps that always or usually seem to appear in your functionality when you are struggling or beginning to struggle and which can be used as effective early warning signs for you and those who care for you?

If so, I hope that like me you will try to make those closest to you aware of them so that they too can help you.

January 26, 2012 | Categories: Bipolar Disorder, Chronic Fatigue, CFS, CFIDS, & M.E., Depression, Functionality, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Paranoid Schizophrenia | Tags: & M.E., Bipolar Disorder, CFIDS, CFS, Chronic Fatigue, Depression, Functionality, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Paranoid Schizophrenia | 2 Comments »

Bipolar Disorder and Sleep Patterns Poll – Update

Hi all,

Firstly I want to say a really big THANK YOU to those who have reblogged the polls and encouraged their readers to participate.

I believe that whilst fairly basic, this will be an interesting poll and the more we can get to take it the more representative and thus useful it will obviously be.

For those who have missed the poll it is split into three sections and each participant is asked to give one (the most accurate for them) answer to each section. You can find the poll here Bipolar Disorder and Sleep Patterns – New Poll

Please be assured participants names will remain confidential and only the answers will be shared. I am able to confirm that at present 13 people have participated in the poll.

Again many thanks to all who have participated.
Kind Regards
Kevin

January 26, 2012 | Categories: Bipolar Disorder, Bipolar Disorder and Sleep, Polls, Uncategorized | Tags: Bipolar Disorder, Bipolar DIsorder and Sleep, Polls | 4 Comments »

She

Very often, when I can’t sleep, my mind starts to wander. And that, more often than not, is not a good thing because it grants liberty to the voices and then to the bad thoughts.

So I divert it, trick it, preoccupy it.

Last night, whilst not able to sleep, I sat in front of the fire looking into the flames and I wondered how I would react if instead of it being me who suffered with mental health issues such as Schizophrenia and Bipolar disorder it was a loved one, a lover if you will.

Just how would I feel if I had a lover and if she had Bipolar Disorder instead of me…

She…

She fell,
Ashen and spent.
So fragile and delicate,
upon the hard granite hearth
that is her illness.

Static and empty.
The smallest of movements
created by the gentle wisps of breath
that encapsulated her.

And in her stillness
such beauty and yet such despair.
such fragility and yet such grace.

-oOo-

Only moments before I had been watching,
watching for what seemed like an eternity.
As she danced, spun, toppled, soared, dived, leapt.
Dancing involuntarily to the tune played
by the heat of the fire that is the mania

A fire that I could no more extinguish for her,
than experience for myself.

But now that fire has let her go.
Ashen and spent,
fragile and delicate
she lays before me
and before another world
her other world.

A world as dark, as desperate, and as hopeless
as the fire was radiant and fulfilling and alive.
Another world I truly cannot enter for her
or even hope that I could keep from her.

-oOo-

She.

She is beauty

She is wonderment

She is fire and she is ice

She is flame and she is ash

she is need and she is fulfilment

She.

January 24, 2012 | Categories: Bipolar Disorder, Bipolar Disorder and Sleep, Relationships | Tags: Bipolar Disorder, Relationships | 6 Comments »

BPD – The Snakes (Or Chutes) & Ladders of Mental Health

So apparently, ‘Snakes and Ladders’ as it is known in the UK and here in Ireland is more commonly known as ‘Chutes and Ladders’ across the pond in the USA. Who knew? Certainly not I. But if there is one board game that so readily makes me think of my life with Bipolar Disorder it is that one.

In the game you work your way to the end of the board and along the way encounter ladders that soar you higher and snakes or chutes then send you colliding down. Sound familiar?

Of course in the game whenever you land upon a ladder you seldom become so manic that; everyone thinks you are overdosing on red bull, think you are a the dalai lama or a ‘special one’, go out on a spending spree and buy fifteen sat navs/gps systems when you don’t even own a car, get distracted by such things as a fly breaking wind fifteen miles away, or talk so fast that not even a group of cattle traders could understand you.

And likewise when you hit on a snake or a chute you seldom get so depressed that; you just want to crawl under the board and hide, or even climb into the snake or chute and sleep forever, or become convinced that the entire board has been specifically designed by some deity, higher power or the universe just to get you, or find the next or highest ladder just so you can hang yourself from it.

Of course I am exaggerating and using a little humor in some of the above examples but whilst some of the above examples may be exaggerated or slightly humorous, trust me the stark contrasts between the extremes are neither exaggerated nor humorous and neither is the severity of the impact that such a condition can have on the sufferer and his or her family.

And here’s another piece of trivial information for you. Snakes and Ladders or Chutes and Ladders originated in India where it was known as moksha pAtam or vaikunthapaali or paramapada sopaanam - the ladder to salvation and for many of us who suffer from the condition the end and not having to experience it ever again truly is seen, in times of the depths of the despair and depression, as being a kind of salvation.

As a mental health blogger I have now been blogging about my mental health for over three years now. I know because I went back and checked and indeed the first posting on this blog was way back in January of 2009 and was appropriately called “Voices of Glass“.

Of course what I didn’t know way back then was that there is a whole community of other mental health bloggers and I am by no means suggesting that I thought I was the only one, it just didn’t occur to me to even consider if there were others. It was, and I hope you understand this, more about me getting out what was trapped inside me and letting others know that they were not alone, than it was about me needing to know I was not alone.

And that is I think another interesting parallel that can be drawn between the game and the condition. It is not a one player game and whilst you can indeed play it alone the fact is that there are lots of others soaring up those ladders and crashing down those snakes or chutes and I have to tell you, having some idea of what they are experiencing in both the soaring and the crashing my heart goes out to each and every one of them.

You see I am not just a mental health blogger, I am a reader too and I visit a number of other blogs, many of which having similar themes to this one, and I do so knowing that I cannot help but invest of myself in what I am reading and in the sufferings of those who share it with me. I don’t know how to read other mental-health sufferer’s work dispassionately or clinically. I don’t know how to just read and move on.

Because whilst I may have used a simple well-known board game as a picture or example of this mental condition/illness and whilst I may have drawn a number of parallels from it along the way there are a couple of truths here that totally separate the game from the reality…

Firstly, whilst snakes and ladders or chutes and ladders is a game that friends and family can all get involved in and whilst friends and family can indeed get involved in the life of a Bipolar Disorder sufferer, the fact is that they can never truly know what those ladders or those snakes or chutes and the desperate opposing realities of difference between them are truly like unless they too also suffer from the illness.

Secondly, and more importantly, Bipolar Disorder is not a game. It is life and it is death and it is the expansive wilderness of isolation that lies between the two. Until those realities are understood and accepted by those who look on, even those who look on in caring and love, the isolation that I speak of and that we sufferers often feel will always be there.

Where am I in the midst of this real-life struggle of snakes or chutes and ladders? Am I level, or soaring up a ladder or crashing down a snake or a chute? What does it matter? Is it more important were I am or where you are in all of this?

If indeed I am soaring up a ladder ready to soar out of control then standing at the bottom shouting, “Come down! It isn’t safe up there! You’ll do yourself harm!” isn’t going to help one little bit. I need you to somehow try to climb that ladder and lead me down. And yes I know the seeming impossibility of what I ask.

If I have crashed headlong down that snake or chute and am swimming naked and raw, lost and alone through a quagmire of desperation, then standing at the top looking in and shouting, “Come back! Climb back up! It isn’t safe down there! You’ll get hurt or end up hurting yourself!” is going to do nothing to help me. I need you to somehow climb down and get me. To wrap your arms around me and to hold me safe and warm and to protect me with your love and somehow wash me clean with your tears.

Where am I in the midst of this real-life struggle of snakes or chutes and ladders? I am here – now tell me this. Where are you?

January 23, 2012 | Categories: Bipolar Disorder, Mental Health, Mental Illness | Tags: Bipolar Disorder, Mental Health, Mental Illness | 9 Comments »

I and Mine’s Theory of Relativity.

‘I and Mine’s Theory of Relativity’ reads thus….

“In any situation where one subject is assessed relative to another or to multiple others, the potential for absolute validity of assessment is directly proportional to the number of absolutes and/or variables (especially the variables) used within the making of said assessment.

However, wherever and whenever ‘I’ or ‘mine’ factors are introduced to said assessment the shape, form and effects of those absolutes and variables are subject to potential change as a direct result of the positive and negative effects of those factors and indeed how they are introduced. Thus, unless said influences are counteracted by the introduction of an appropriate and adequate impartiality factor, the resultant validity of said assessment is questionable.”

Ok So I’ll come clean. “I and Mine’s Theory of Relativity” doesn’t really exist, or at least it didn’t until now. In fact I formulated it after giving the whole subject of “comparing ourselves to others” a fair bit of thought lately and I named it as a result of its content and the phonetic play on Einstein’s Theory of Relativity. But does that make it any the less relevant or true?

I think the major problem with comparing ourselves and our circumstances/difficulties to others is that it is seldom a good idea as there are without doubt a number of ‘I’ and ‘Mine’ factors involved in this.

As I mentioned in the theory, the number of absolutes and especially variables in any given assessment will have a direct and often negative effect on the validity of the assessment. Likewise, when ‘I’ and ‘Mine’ factors are introduced, how they are introduced and who introduces them can also cause that ‘number of variables’ to increase greatly.

So let’s take a look at that for a moment…

Firstly, we can seldom tell exactly what is going on in someone else’s life or how they are truly handling things and so any assessment based on that consideration will to some extent be guess-work which of course is a very definitely a variable.

Additionally we seldom have all the facts concerning other factors in that person’s life and this therefore increases the variable. So right from the get go our assessment or comparison is on very shaky ground and thus the validity of any results is therefore extremely dubious.

Secondly our perspective of ourselves in relation to others is often flawed. Especially when we experience mental illness as all too often we also (as a result of our difficulties with mental health) consciously or subconsciously have a poor or lowered estimation or image of ourselves.

Because of this, unless we are very careful, any positives that we assign to the other person can all too easily serve to heighten or increase the negatives that we apply to ourselves.

Thirdly, all too often the idea of a comparison or assessment of our self or our difficulties/circumstances relative to another person is all too often introduced either by that person or a third-party. And in most cases there is already a history in place which will shape (either positively or negatively) the comparison or assessment and it is extremely difficult to obtain a clinical, detached, or accurate comparison or assessment under these circumstances unless (as the theory suggests) these influences are counteracted by the introduction of an appropriate and adequately impartiality person.

Two very important factors to remember here are 1) that we are all unique and 2) that when it comes to pain, suffering and difficulties these are all extremely personal and individual just as are our abilities to cope with them or to conquer them are extremely personal and individual.

Because of our uniqueness and the personal and individual nature of our difficulties no comparison with, or assessment relative to another, is ever going to produce exact or totally valid results.

It is for these reasons and because of “‘I’ and ‘Mine’s’ Theory of Relativity” that I think any comparison or assessment of ourselves relevant to another is potentially terribly flawed, unhelpful and often unhealthy UNLESS we can be absolutely certain of total impartiality in that assessment. And even then I would question its wisdom, usefulness or healthiness.

In Shakespeare’s Hamlet ( I think it was Act one Scene three but I am not sure of that) Polonius tells his son Laertes “To thine own self be true” Of course Polonius meant it in a different context to how I am going to use it here but there is great wisdom in those words.

“To Thine OWN self be true”.

Not to anyone else’s self but to ‘thine own self.’ I am not you and you are not me. Likewise I am neither any one of my brothers or my sister, nor am I my mother nor my father and what is more I cannot possibly be them.

That is not selfishness that is reality. I am me and it is to me that I must stay true because it is me I ultimately have to live with and only I have my specific mental, physical, emotional and spiritual – nature, perspectives, history, challenges, abilities, hopes, and difficulties.

But let me offer one final observation before closing what is already a very long posting. And I really do apologize for its length but I did promise I would write a posting on relativity and comparing ourselves with others and I really do think it is a very important subject.

I am convinced that truth without love is like a tear without release. It enables little, heals nothing, and expresses even less. So to borrow from Polonius and Shakespeare and indeed to add to what they said…

“To thine own self be true and do so knowing this can only fully be achieved in love.”

God bless.

January 22, 2012 | Categories: Bipolar Disorder, Depression, Feelings, Healing, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Paranoid Schizophrenia, Relativity | Tags: Bipolar Disorder, Christianity and Depression, Depression, I and Min'es Theory of Relativity, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Paranoid Schizophrenia, Relationships, Relativity | Leave A Comment »

Out of Whack Again!

It is past midnight and I am sat at my desk feeling like death warmed up and trying to struggle through.

In truth I really don’t feel like talking to anyone and so have not even turned on my Skype or Facebook chat or Google Talk or anything today. This is not so much a desire to isolate as it is a need not to connect. I am fairly sure that others who are reading this will be able to identify with both that “state” and that “statement”.

In fact I got up fairly early this morning despite feeling the way I did and again “tried to struggle through” and actually I did manage to do some light housework – dishes, laundry etc but was then forced back to bed as a result of being devoid of any energy.

Even when I got up this evening it was only to make it as far as the armchair and to stay there until now (other than frequent visits to the bathroom). As I am typing this my arms and muscles are aching and my eyes and head are so very heavy. These are all symptomatic of my Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and of depression both of which I am experiencing at the moment. Although the level of muscle aches would indicate CFS more than depression.

The frequent visits to the bathroom are as a result (I now know) of my blood glucose levels being ‘totally out of whack’ as my American friends would say and it is one of the things that seems to happen when I begin to crash like this. – Everything seems to impact each other in terms of my mental and physical health.

This can of course be overwhelming and I am at least fortunate in as much as my son and his partner are currently stopping with me and therefore able to look after me. I am going to go lay down and to try to rest some in order to be able to function at a level where I can at least achieve some things tomorrow.

Sadly this is not new to me but on the positive, because it is not new to me I am at least able to know how to deal with it

January 21, 2012 | Categories: Bipolar Disorder, Chronic Fatigue, CFS, CFIDS, & M.E., Diabetes, Journal Entry | Tags: & M.E., Bipolar Disorder, CFIDS, CFS, Chronic Fatigue, Depression, diabetes, Personal Journal | Leave A Comment »

Problems Weighing On Me.

I have been struggling a little today.

It is strange but perhaps understandable that when it comes to writing on a mental-health related blog I am reluctant to say I am feeling depressed when that feeling of depression is not severe and only a ‘low mood’ or a ‘deep sadness’ really.

I mean so many folk, including myself, suffer from very real desperately deep depression and there is therefore the potential, I think, to convince yourself that your ‘low mood’ or ‘sadness’ is somehow unworthy of note or comment. But this would be very wrong would it not.

I have been toying with the idea of writing a post about relativity and how unhealthy even dangerous it can sometimes be to compare our own difficulties or suffering with that of others and as a result of that to lessen the relevance or importance of them.

The fact of the matter is that our difficulties and suffering are as personal to us as other people’s difficulties and suffering are to them.

One of my pet-peeves is when someone turns difficulties and suffering into a competition and has to make out or try to convince you that their suffering or their difficulties are much worse or even more serious or more worthy of comment or attention than yours. I am sure many of us have encountered folk like that. But I do find it so disheartening and so detrimental to healing.

It is just such a damaging thing to do and can lead folk with very real needs to stay quiet about them because they feel that either they themselves or their difficulties/struggles are so unworthy of help or mention.

Today I am struggling, I am depressed. Not deeply depressed, not depths of despair depressed – just very depressed. I woke up extremely tired and lethargic and I have struggled with it all day long. Additionally my thoughts have in so many ways been centered around my obesity and my struggle with that.

I feel, as I mentioned in my weight related blog, that I have all but given up in my fight to lose weight and that I am simply going through the motions.

How much this is effecting my mental health and indeed how much my mental health is effecting my fight to lose weight I just cannot say. The link between them is irrefutable but as to the causality aspects or level of impact of either I am just not sure.

Actually, the truth is that whilst I am suffering from this depression or low mood or deep sadness whatever you want to call it, I know that I can conquer this and that I will bounce back (at my size bouncing is fairly easy, it is stopping any bouncing that is potentially difficult). I of course have far less confidence when it comes to my fight with my morbid obesity which of course is one of the problems.

Tomorrow is, as they say, another day and so I am going to go to bed now and try to rest and to hope that tomorrow will see me wake in a better frame of mind and with more motivation. It is all too easy, is it not to look at our mental health in isolation from other difficulties that we suffer or experience but the fact is that they do so very often impact each other and we need to be aware of that.

January 20, 2012 | Categories: Depression, Journal Entry, Obesity | Tags: Depression, Obesity, Personal Journal | 7 Comments »

Bipolar Disorder and Sleep Patterns – New Poll.

Ok here is something different and please understand that this is new to me and so I am still muddling my way through it all – so please bear with me.

As a result of my own experiences, an article I read recently and a subsequent post that I published here on Voices of Glass, the whole question of sleep patterns within people who suffer from Bipolar Disorder has started to really interest me.

So in response to this I thought I would draw up a little poll or three and invite folk to share their own experiences.

I really hope you enjoy doing this and that I haven’t messed up the design of it.

Below you will find three very short polls. All you have to do is choose one answer that is most accurate for you personally in each of the three sections.

Due to the way the polls are set up (or at least my very limited understanding of how they are set up) I have had to keep them fairly basic. So if you are on mediation that affects the answers to the following questions please answer as if you were not taking medication.

Thank you for doing that poll, now please choose one from the following…

And finally this one…

I am so very grateful to you for completing these short polls. I will be covering their results in a later post but I think I have enabled you to see the percentage results yourself.

If you run a mental health blog yourself, I wonder if you would please consider covering or reblogging this post and placing a link to it on your blog so that we can increase the potential numbers of folk participating?

Many thanks I really do appreciate it.

January 19, 2012 | Categories: Bipolar Disorder, Bipolar Disorder and Sleep, Insomnia, Mental Health Poll, Polls | Tags: Bipolar Disorder, Bipolar DIsorder and Sleep, Insomnia, Mental Health Poll, Polls | 23 Comments »

Something worth sleeping on.

Well the good news is that despite being exceptionally tired, I managed to get through yesterday’s hospital appointment relatively unscathed. Well apart from the massive amount of blood that was taken from me for testing, and the six-inch needle that was delicately inserted into my not so delicate gluteus maximus. Which I have to admit was a bit of a pain in the … (ok, so you get the picture)

Especially seeing as half-way through administering the injection the Doc remembered that he had forgotten to lock the consulting room door and so simply wandered off to lock it – leaving the needle based syringe just sticking out of me unsupported other than by that very long needle and it’s extremely wide target!

But then administering that particular treatment is a relatively lengthy process and I guess some form of decorum and sensitivity should always be observed especially when your patient is stood there with his trousers and underwear down around his ankles and his not so final resting place on full show!

The other bit of really good news is that all of the blood tests from my last visit came back showing really good numbers. Liver functionality, potassium levels, blood-glucose levels (a little high but nothing to worry about at this point), cholesterol levels etc all very good. So I a very pleased at the moment if not just a little tender and even more tired as a result of such a long day.

And talking of resting places and being tired, spending so much time at the hospital with little else to do did give me a chance to do some reading online and I came across an interesting study on Sleeplessness and Schizophrenia.

One paragraph in an article from – “Sleep Review” – ‘the journal for sleep specialists’ (which is actually a fully legitimate medical magazine and not just a periodical magazine for unemployed teenagers LOL) reads…

“We know many of the patients are essentially suffering persistent jet lag with their body clocks out of synch with day and night. This immediately opens up a lot of new avenues for research in understanding the links between sleep problems and mental ill-health. But regardless of whether or not there is a mechanistic link between the body clock and psychiatric conditions, it is clear that treating sleep problems could improve the lives of many patients,” said Russell Foster, head of the research team and professor at Oxford University.”

You can read more of this article here but it begins with the statement…

“British researchers have found that people with schizophrenia have profound disruptions in their sleep patterns, including irregular body clocks that are out of synch with the pattern of night and day. The researchers argue that the extent and severe nature of these long-term sleep problems should warrant treatment along with other symptoms of schizophrenia, as they have a strong impact on mood, social function, mental abilities, and quality of life.”

As a schizophrenic myself, and one who has (as regular readers of this blog will know) major problem with sleeplessness, I found this article extremely interesting and I truly believe that it could also have implications in respect of other mental illnesses.

One paragraph in this report which also especially attracted my attention and which led me to the aforementioned conclusion was this one…

“The findings, published in the British Journal of Psychiatry, showed a severe disruption in the sleep patterns of all 20 patients with schizophrenia enrolled in the study, despite their mood being stable and each being on a regular drug regime. “

“…despite their mood being stable and each being on a regular drug regime” now there is an interesting statement don’t you think?

The benefits of getting ‘adequate sleep’ have long since been discovered and accepted just as, I believe, the disadvantages or negative impact of not getting ‘adequate sleep’. But I think we have to consider whether or ‘sleeping for x amount of hours’ automatically equates to getting ‘adequate sleep’?

The benefits of anti-psychotic drugs, mood-stabilizers and antidepressants are obvious. But I can’t help wondering whether they remove all of the effects of mental illness on the brain or whether they, along with our own cognitive behavior, simply reduce them to a more manageable level?

And I ask this because if the latter is true then it certainly allows for the consideration that actually even whilst we are asleep our brains are still functioning in difficulty. I raise this point because I think that many of us, myself included, do or have at some point or another seen sleep as a respite from having to deal with our mental illness.

If indeed our brains are very much still – even though we are sleeping – suffering from the effects of our mental illness this will of course potentially have tremendous effects on the level of benefit we may gain from our sleep and thus on our over-all well-being.

Doing all we can, therefore, to enable or encourage good or ‘adequate’ sleep for ourselves as mental illness sufferers (or for those whom we love whom experience poor mental health), has got to be advisable therefore. Because whilst we may not be able to totally control what happens to our brains whilst we are sleeping surely we can influence and to some degree control such things as; the environment in which we sleep, the levels and types of stressors we encounter and/or the number and types of stimulants we ingest or that we take in audibly or visually immediately prior to sleeping and the number of hours that we afford ourselves in which to sleep. Because doing this perhaps we will increase our brain’s chances of actually getting the ‘adequate sleep’ that we so obviously require.

And that is certainly, in my opinion, something worth sleeping on!

January 18, 2012 | Categories: Bipolar Disorder, Chronic Fatigue, CFS, CFIDS, & M.E., Depression, Insomnia, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Paranoid Schizophrenia | Tags: Bipolar Disorder, Depression, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Paranoid Schizophrenia | 12 Comments »

	myvoiceawoken on Of Roses, Walls, and Towers …
	boldkevin on Of Roses, Walls, and Towers …
	boldkevin on Something worth sleeping …
	Luanne Yoes on Something worth sleeping …
	carlarenee45 on Of Roses, Walls, and Towers …

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Voices of Glass One man's journey through Paranoid Schizophrenia, Mental Health, Faith and Life.

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“As scientists discover how to ‘translate’ brainwaves into words… Could a machine read your innermost thoughts?”

“Mind-reading device could become reality”

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