I can’t stand to fly, I’m not that naive

24 Thursday May 2012

Posted by in Bipolar Disorder, Chronic Fatigue, CFS, CFIDS, & M.E., Depression, Diabetes, Heart Problems, Journal Entry, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Obesity, Paranoia, Paranoid Schizophrenia, Poor Physical Health

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There comes in life sometimes things that make you sit up and take notice.  Things that challenge your hope and faith even.  Sometimes they sneak up on you and other times they are kind of expected but even then they can knock you for six.

Today was just one such day when this happened.

The day started well with my journey up country to my hospital treatment being really enjoyable.  Instead of my being one of 14- 16 patients crammed in a hospital transport minibus I was the only one.

As can be seen from this photo (that I snapped en-route) it was a glorious day and being the only patient travelling meant I got to sit up front and talk with Jimmy the driver.

Jimmy is a typical Irishman and fascinating conversationalist and I really enjoyed his company.

These visits are a regular monthly visit and I go to take part in a clinical trial and for weight management.  I have struggled with morbid obesity for years now and the effect that it already has on my existing heart conditions has always been a huge concern.

The clinical trial, or at least my part in it finished today and I get the full results of it in a couple of weeks but we have already decided that I will (subject to anything major showing up in the final results) continue with the treatment which will now change so that it can be self administered.

Worryingly my LDL levels were elevated which I have to keep a check on but even more concerning my PSA levels (Prostrate Specific Antigen) levels are very high.  Apparently these are the levels which indicate the possibility of prostate cancer.

Now I was told not to worry too much about these at this time as more tests were done today as part of the clinical trial which ended today and that will give us a truer and more up to date reading.  (Yeah right telling a paranoid schizophrenic not to worry is like telling an injured haemophiliac not to bleed).  But I shall do my best not to focus on it too much.

Thankfully, but not really thankfully at all, I was then given other stuff to worry about by the other team members I saw.

It seems the problem with  my heart condition and my weight is now very concerning and they want me to consider going into hospital for treatment for six weeks and then having surgery or surgeries at the end of it.  Being seriously sick and morbidly obese makes the normal avenues of fighting weight gain so very difficult and removes limits your options somewhat.  So part of the treatment is to address my weight and to get me at last healthy enough for the surgery or surgeries that have been needed for a while now.)

The ‘it is entirely your choice but if you don’t you have to accept the seriousness of your heart condition and the situation and that you could be dead within 6 months’ was just a little disconcerting.  As was the sincerity and seriousness of the discussion and facial expressions during said discussion.

Now I have to be honest here.  Part of me is extremely worried and kind of scared by all this.

But the greater part of me is at peace over it.

As a rule, since this s primarily a mental health blog, I tend to keep matters concerning my faith pretty much low key on here but sometimes things are so serious that you just have to be fully open and who you are.

I am a Christian and I have faith in Christ and in my heavenly Father and from that the assurance that is provided.  To borrow the words of Paul from Philippians 1:21 “For me to live is Christ and to die is gain.”

I am – despite the appearances you may gain from my online candor and openness  – a very private person.  So the thought of being stuck in hospital, in a ward full of people, for 6 weeks is almost as unsettling the whole surgery thing.  I hate hospitals and have a morbid fear of them, surgery and dentists.

At this time the only decision I had to make today was whether I would be willing to be put onto a list in readiness for this hospitalization and treatment and subsequent surgery/surgeries. Not actually to commit to anything other than being put on that list and so this I have consented to do.

We are, I am convinced, spiritual beings in as much as their is a spiritual aspect to all life and especially to us as humans. I therefore have the power of prayer on my side and to be perfectly candid – seeing as over two years ago I was told my heart could give way at anytime and I am still here – I do have some confidence in my ability to beat this thing.  And yes I am aware of the seriousness of the situation and no I am not being guilty of post hoc ergo propter hoc here.

I am scared and I am worried.  Not about where I will go or even what comes after the here for I am at peace over that.  But how I get there or rather how I stop being here, what happens to those I will leave behind, and how to be all I can be and fight this thing in the mean time does worry and scare me somewhat.

Some days ago now I wrote a piece called, “I don’t wear my underpants on the outside” in which I was saying that we need to afford ourselves the right and the freedom to be human and weak and imperfect.

This piece comes so clearly to my mind right about now and something else has been going through my mind all day too. We, I, am human not superhuman.

Many moons back, one of my Kids – Trevor, (who possibly knows more than any of my kids what I am going through with my weight problems and heart problems since he too has had to face similar things) introduced me to a group called ‘Five for Fighting’ and one of their songs – Superman – has been going through my mind ever since I wrote that piece and especially ever since my hospital visit earlier today.

So I leave you will that song and I hope you really enjoy it.  I am, we are human and we, I, have every right to be human with all the weakness, imperfectness and vulnerability that comes with it.

I am determined to fight this and in the mean time to accept that I am not superhuman but to do so with the sure knowledge that no matter how human, how weak, how imperfect, how vulnerable I may be.  I do not fight this alone.

A Trinity of Torments – Paranoia, Insecurity & Guilt

23 Wednesday May 2012

Posted by in Paranoia, Depression, Paranoid Schizophrenia, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Chronic Fatigue, CFS, CFIDS, & M.E., Bipolar Disorder, Journal Entry

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Somethings are desperately uncomfortable to talk about aren’t they?
Like traumas supposedly buried in our pasts, or when you are tragically hurt by someone, or a lie you are forced to live because other’s just won’t understand.

I think Paranoia, Guilt and Insecurity can be some of the things that we find hard to talk about, or at least I do.  But I am at the moment in a terrible slump – amidst the nothingness as I put it – and so now is possibly a good time to talk about these things.

Paranoia.  Yes I suffer from paranoia.  Really bad paranoia at times and no I don’t often talk about it.

Why don’t I talk about it?  Well there are numerous reasons really. Some you  might understand even agree with and some you might think are just weird.  And hey ho that is ok.  We are all entitled to our own opinions.

One reason is that I don’t want people walking on eggshells around me.  I want to be treated for the me I am mostly not the freaked out weird me that happens every now and then.  And before my inbox is flooded with folk challenging me or reprimanding me for the “freaked out” and “weird” labels above, I understand how wrong and unhealthy they are but I also know how very real those self-applied labels are to me at times.

Another reason is that I don’t want to feed into anyone else’s insecurities of paranoia.  Trust me it can happen.

Thirdly I don’t want other to use my paranoia or mental health as an excuse to justify or excuse their bad behaviour and yes that can happen a lot as well.

The last reason, (or at least the last one I can think of at this time) is that as a Christian I am always concerned about seemingly being a bad witness.  A fear which is often fed into by well-meaning but extremely harmful Christians who ask such questions as “do you think it could be demon-possession?” or “is there something wrong with your faith do you think?”

And if anyone is out there thinking yeah that is how I always thought of it, let me share the words of Matthew 4:24 from the KJV with you…

“And his (Jesus) fame went throughout all Syria: and they brought unto him all sick people that were taken with divers diseases and torments, and those which were possessed with devils, and those which were lunatick, and those that had the palsy; and he healed them.”

In the above passage there are 6 different types of illnesses here and a distinct difference is made between  ‘demon possession’ and the others including ‘lunatic’ which is to say ‘moonstruck’ or as we would say nowadays – those who have mental illness. (Thayers also suggests that this could also mean the epileptic although it state this is dubious)

But no matter what reason I have for my seldom discussing my paranoia, the fact is that it is a very real and frequent part of my mental health and thus my life.

And paranoia is not a stand alone condition in as much as it never just stops at the paranoia.  It creates further damage and damage that seeps into so many other aspects of your life.

And it often undermines and fractures what little stability you have.

Insecurity is one of the spin-offs of paranoia.

It can be cancerous in it’s effects and can damage and harm your perceptions and understandings and even more than that it can cause behaviours and responses which can so seriously and detrimentally impact your relationships.

Anyone who has, despite their best efforts, reacted badly as a result of a severe bout of paranoia will know the intense and extremely disturbing sensation of being left naked, judged and vulnerable as a result of that reaction and the fear of how those who have witnessed it are now going to treat you.

Which brings me to the last of this trinity of torment that of guilt.

Guilt.  Along with that insecurity – that naked vulnerability and fear I spoke about above comes the guilt.  Guilt which can plague you and eat away at you.

Guilt in and of itself is not a bad thing.  It’s function is to motivate change. It’s unpleasantness is designed to cause us to address, repair or right any wrong that we may have done.  And having done so that guilt no longer serves any positive purpose and thus should be got rid of.

But what if your mind will not let go of it?  What if that paranoia, that insecurity, continue to fuel that guilt?

I have written about how harmful guilt can be in my post entitled Guilt-Edged Bonds and it really is something that I and I know many folk who suffer from paranoia struggle with.

When I do something wrong I want to make amends for it.  To right that wrong.  To face the consequences if you will.  It is a big thing for me and I am sure I am not alone in this.  I think it is all wrapped up in a deep desire to not allow my illnesses to have that much control or impact on my relationships coupled with an equally deep desire to not be treated ‘differently’ as a result of those illnesses.

So there you have it.  A trinity of torments that so many of us can so easily go through.

In the slump, the nothingness that I wrote of the other day, this is the next phase it seems – the torments.

 

Hm. Funny Word It Is… ‘Lalochezia’

23 Wednesday May 2012

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Hm. Funny Word It Is…. ‘Lalochezia‘

Something most of us have done it is.

Emotional relief gained by using indecent or vulgar language it is.

From the Greek ‘lalia’ meaning speech and ‘chezo’ meaning to relieve oneself it is.

Next time your mom tells you off for cussing when you bang your toe, smile and say, ‘but mom it’s just lalochezia’ you can.

Slumped

22 Tuesday May 2012

Posted by in Paranoia, Depression, Paranoid Schizophrenia, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Chronic Fatigue, CFS, CFIDS, & M.E., Bipolar Disorder, Journal Entry, Suicidal Thoughts

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There are, for me personally, fewer times when I sense potential harm (other than of course when the suicidal thoughts and tendencies try to take over) as greatly as when the nothingness comes.

The nothingness (as I call it) is a barren wasteland devoid of emotions and feelings, energy and motivation. It is an emptiness.

 

It is a land where all the colour of life is suddenly bleached away and it is a land I can somehow sometimes fall into without warning.

It is also a land I fell into Sunday evening and which I seem to have remained in ever since.

In truth I had a fairly good weekend.  Saturday I spent some time working around the house, blogging and reading and felt perfectly fine.

Sunday I went to church and thoroughly enjoyed the worship there. Afterwards the friend I was with did a little shopping with her daughter and I accompanied them.

This of course gave me an opportunity to generally make fun, crack jokes and be slightly mischievous – as is often my way – (it is one of the ways in which I cope) and we had a good time.

Sunday afternoon and early evening was also spent with them (and the rest of their family). Plus some old friends from the church I used to attend also came over and again it was an enjoyable time.

Sadly, as can sometimes happen, there was one statement (which was made in total innocence) which launched my paranoia into apoplexy (figuratively speaking that is) but even then I thought and felt like I was having a good time.

Coming home I still felt fine and indeed, despite the fact that I was so incredibly tired, I read some emails, caught up on some blogs and then suddenly just sat looking at my screen as everything seemed to have drained from me.

It was the nothingness.  This colourless, grey, barren, wasteland.  No feelings, no emotions, just an emptiness. A void.

And that nothingness has remained ever since.  Well almost remained.

For the mind, or at least my mind, doesn’t like nothingness. It can’t cope with it.  Has to fill it and it chooses to fill it with unsafe or harmful thoughts.

Will I respond to these thoughts?  I seriously doubt it (although certainly I have the means to do so).  But no.  What I need to do is to just survive this latest barrenness  this latest slump.

Hm. Funny Word It Is….’Collywobbles’

19 Saturday May 2012

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Hm. Funny Word It Is ‘Collywobbles’

Means ‘having an upset stomach or even diarrhoea’ it does.

More often used to mean ‘feeling very or intensely nervous’ it is.

Mixture of ‘collic’ and ‘wobbles’ it is.

Lassie having eaten too much jello it isn’t.

Bipolar Disorder – The Answered Patient – What do you think?

17 Thursday May 2012

Posted by in Bipolar Disorder, Mania and/or Manic Episodes, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Mood Swings

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The other day when writing a piece entitled ‘Halfway Down The Stairs’ I recorded and uploaded to my YouTube page a short and simple no-frills dvd which was an adaptation of the muppet song of the same name.  I then included that dvd in that article and the basic idea was just to take something familiar, change the words slightly and by doing so get people to think about Bipolar Disorder.

(You can see that video either in that article or on my YouTube page)

But whilst looking for it I came across this video concerning Bipolar Disorder and a program called ‘The Answered Patient”.


It is, I think, a very interesting video and so I wondered what others thought of it.

Let me know your thoughts and opinions :)

Hm. Funny Word It Is… Cleptobiosis

17 Thursday May 2012

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Hm. Funny Word It Is… ‘Cleptobiosis’

Means ‘an ecological relationship in which members of one species, as of ants, steal food from another’ it does.

From the Greek ‘klept’ meaning to steal and ‘biosis’ meaning life.

Hm. So when your partner gets all grumpy and complains about your ordering a salad and then taking his or her fries smile and say, “Hey its just Cleptobiosis” you can.

After all, sometimes men and women are almost like being of a different species they are :)

Passions Profile Challenge – Day Twelve – Social Justice and Injustice.

16 Wednesday May 2012

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All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men to do nothing.

(The above quote is attributed (perhaps spuriously) to the Irish politician and philosopher Edmund Burke.

Day Twelve in my Passions Profile Challenge and today I am looking at Social Justice and Social Injustice.

And it is a topic that I am deeply passionate about as I have in my life seen far too little of one and far too much of the other.

But perhaps I come at this in a different way or from a different perspective to some?  In fact in many ways I am not only concerned about social injustice but about any injustice.

Social injustice has been defined as “a concept relating to the claimed unfairness or injustice of a society in its divisions of rewards and burdens and other incidental inequalities” 1

As a mental health writer, mental health and all the injustices served on those of us who suffer from poor mental health, such as; a failure to hear or afford credibility to our voice, opinions and experiences, the stigma all too often attached to mental illness, the way that that media portrays and represents mental illness, etc., are of course a great concern to me.

But the truth is that there are just so many injustices happening in our world today that I would find it very hard to pick any one above another and indeed am I not more that just someone who suffers from mental health issues?

I am a Christian and there are so many awful injustices being inflicted on my brothers and sisters in Christ around the world which I could write about.  I am disabled and see how the disabled are often so unfairly treated.  I am a parent and see so much injustice being inflicted on the young. I am a citizen of the country I come from and the country I live in and see so many injustices happening there also.

I have, in the past, worked with addicts, runaways, mental health clients, teenage parents, single parent families and many other social groups and have seen injustices in how many if not all of them have been treated at one time or another.

So which one do I choose?  In deed would I by choosing one be doing an injustice to the others?

The truth is that wherever you have people you have human nature and wherever you have human nature you have the potential for both justice and injustice. ‘Utopia’ – no matter how appealing it may seem – simply doesn’t exist in our reality.

So what should we do therefore?  Simply accept things the way they are and not strive against injustice?  Blindly accept injustice as a fact of life?  Let’s go back to that original quote…

All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men to do nothing.

No, I am convinced that we need to fight injustice whenever and wherever we encounter it and in fact to do even more than that.

I am convinced that actually we need to be teaching the whole concept of fairness and justice to our children and those in our care and to do so from the earliest age possible.

Let me share another well known quote with you…

Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future

It is I believe a JFK quote and is probably (along with numerous variations of it) extremely well known.

I agree with him and can see where he is coming from.  But let me offer an extension on this quote wich will perhaps afford another perspective on this…

Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.  But let us not forget that we, in many ways, shape both their present and their past and the very foundations on which they have to build upon.

How many of us as parents, are actively mindful of teaching our children about social injustice?  How many of us take time to introduce a good understanding and approach concerning justice and injustice and an awareness of social justice/injustice to our children?  I wonder how many of us simply place that in the ‘things to be learned at school’ column?

How many of our children actually hear us discussing these things, making comments about these things, getting upset when we see injustice – thus learning from our very approach what it means and how wrong social injustice is?

Should, in my opinion, the right approach to the whole subject of justice and injustice and social justice and injustice be taught to our children in their schools?  Absolutely it should.  But it should also be taught and learned and witnessed in their homes.  Because you can bet your bottom dollar that it will be experienced in their lives somewhere along the line.

Trust me, it tears at the very fabric of my happiness and steals a part of my joy when one of my children or their friends tells me how they are being bullied or mistreated for; not having the right designer label on their clothes,  the wrong kind of shoes, the wrong hair colour or skin colour, for looking slightly different to the rest, for having voices in their head, for having a twitch, or for being a young mom, or for being a Christian, or for…….

If we are truly going to fight Social Injustice I am convinced that we have to begin in both ourselves and our children.

Halfway Down The Stairs

15 Tuesday May 2012

Posted by in Bipolar Disorder, Mental Health, Mental Health Awareness, Mental Illness Stigma

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Its been a funny day and one that followed a strange weekend of ups and downs.  I wrote about the weekend in my post “The Smallest of Things.“

Once again I didn’t sleep well and once again I awoke early.  But I did at least do so with the resolve that today I would achieve some things despite how I was feeling.

After getting up, washing and dressing I made my customary cup of coffee and then started answering my emails and blog comments wishing to finish all of these in order to get them off of my mind so that I could concentrate on other things.

I was determined to look at my bedroom television which had broken over the weekend and see if I could fix that and also to attend to the broken light in my lounge.

Additionally I thought I would clear up (since it was daylight and I could see better) the smashed glass and coke that I had spilled on Saturday evening and since I would be mopping that floor I thought I would also mop all of my floors.

Sadly the TV was beyond my repair and will need to be replaced.  Since I spend a great deal of time in bed with my illnesses it is quite a well used piece of equipment.

Unable to fix the television I turned my attention to the light in my lounge and after having limbed up on stools and coffee tables several times I finally gave in.  I am not very mobile and m,y standing on stalls and coffee tables is like a hippo riding a unicycle on a tightrope.

Picture by Jed Henry of Will Strong Art.

But no matter how hard or often I tried the light was not going to be fixed and that darned lightbulb was not going to be budged.  Finally I saw sense and given the precariousness of my balancing act decided to give up and ring my son for help.

On a more positive note I did manage to move the furniture, get all the shards of glass and spilled coke cleaned up and even mop that floor but what with every thing else I was too tired and too weak to mop the rest of my floors.

Thanks to the kindness and thoughtfulness of a very dear friend, I even managed to get a new Television ordered for my bedroom and my son is kindly taking me to pick it up tomorrow.

My son also came and looked at the light for me and actually managed to remove the old bulb but since the bulb had melted into the light fitting (not a good sign I know) he wants to get an electrician friend of his to come and take a look at the light fitting and get it fixed for me. In the mean time he has sorted out a decent lamp for me to use in that room.

As for the rest of the day, well it was pretty much a mixture of sleeping and resting.  Either I was in the bd sleeping or in the bed just reading and resting.  But that is all part of the physical illnesses and conditions which are often just as up and down as my mental health.

And that is the thing about Bipolar Disorder isn’t?  It is those constant up and downs that we experience.

This evening my family in the states and I had another of our family bible studies, thanks to the benefits of Skype and this really blessed me.  But during it I was thinking about the ups and the downs that we all experience in life and which often, for those suffering with poor mental health and especially Bipolar Disorder, are often so much more intense or severe.

As I reflected on this a song from the Muppets came to my mind – Hence the post’s title – and I thought I would share it with you.

Halfway down the stairs is a stair where I sit.
There isn’t any other stair quite like it.
I’m not at the bottom, I’m not at the top.
So this is the stair where I always stop.

Halfway up the stairs isn’t up and isn’t down.
It isn’t in the nursery, it isn’t in the town.
And all sorts of funny thoughts run round my head.
It isn’t really anywhere, it’s somewhere else instead.

Halfway down the stairs is a stair where I sit.
There isn’t any other stair quite like it.
I’m not at the bottom, I’m not at the top.
So this is the stair where I always stop.

And as I reflected on it I thought – what would it be like if we changed the lyrics slightly?  So, since I couldn’t sleep I knocked up this very simple short Bipolar Disorder Version and have uploaded it to my Youtube Channel in the hope that folk who see it might just stop and think about Mental Health.


Here are the adapted lyrics. I hope you like it.

Halfway down the stairs is a stair where I’d sit.
There isn’t any other stair quite like it.
I’d not be at the bottom, I’d not be at the top.
So this is the stair where I’d like to stop.

Halfway up the stairs isn’t up and isn’t down.
It isn’t in the mania, it isn’t in the frown.
And all sorts of funny thoughts run round my head.
It isn’t really anywhere, it’s somewhere else instead.

Halfway down the stairs is a stair where I’d sit.

Hm. Funny Word It Is… ‘Gymnophoria’

14 Monday May 2012

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Hm. Funny Word It Is… ‘Gymnophoria’

Means the sensation or feeling that some one is mentally undressing you it does.

Curiously weird that it should be called ‘Gymnophoria’ since women often get this feeling whilst at the gym it is.

But actually comes from the Greek ‘Gymnos’ meaning naked it does.

Also called ‘Apodyopsis’ it is.

Last time the owner of this blog was alone with someone and felt they were mentally undressing him was when that person was rolling about the floor both laughing and crying at the same time they was.

‘Gymnophoria’ it is.

The smallest of things….

14 Monday May 2012

Posted by in Bipolar Disorder, Chronic Fatigue, CFS, CFIDS, & M.E., Depression, Journal Entry, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Paranoid Schizophrenia, Relationships

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….can have biggest of impacts!

It has ben a very strange weekend.

I woke up early on Saturday – having not slept at all really – and things did not look good at all.  Even the process of getting up was laborious and taxing and I recognized almost instantly that my CFIDS was kicking my butt once again.

Having been so ill for a weeks now, with whatever infection I had contracted this time around, I was hoping that my CFIDS would not ‘come a calling’ for a while.  But of course it did.

Actually the day turned out  to be one of both positives and negatives.

When you suffer from an illness like CFIDS (Chronic Fatigue Immune Dysfunction Syndrome) or CFS (Chronic Fatigue Syndrome) and you know that it is kicking your butt you have to exercise some caution and some sense.  You need to do things as and when you are able, knowing that quite probably you won’t be able to do them later on.

So in the morning I did a little blogging and then broke from it to go into town briefly around midday in order to get some provisions – thanks to my son being able to drive me in.

Coming home I managed to put those provisions away, prepare a meal to cook later and then finish the blog piece I was writing before then collapsing in an armchair and just resting up.

Later that afternoon a friend from church turned up with her kids and that really lifted my day :) I enjoy good company and love those kids and so it was a delight to see them all.

As good as the visit from friends was, it also tired me out some and so I just rested up once they had left.

Actually I rested up for a good few hows and it was quite late before I could even consider going and turning on the stove in order to cook the meal I had prepared earlier.

Emotionally I was quite upbeat but physically I was drained and mentally I was on rocky ground.  I have been that way for a while now mentally.

Deciding that my meal would now be cooked I went and served it up, grabbed a glass of coke and made my way back to the armchair to eat.  (Often I will eat at the kitchen table but when my CFIDS is this bad even sitting at the table is too much for me and so the armchair was favourable.)

And then it happened.  Sitting eating my meal I reached for my glass of coke, lifted it and then immediately dropped it smashing the glass and spilling the coke all over the place.

This one simple accident crashed my mental health through the floor and I sat there like a quivering wreck.  Tears flowed and my appetite disappeared.  I was more despondent than I was frustrated and I just sat there not knowing what to do and not having the energy to do anything about it even if I had wanted to.

My son is a very active busy guy who does a lot for the local youth in this area and Saturday evening would not be a good time to call him so I just sat there known that I had to pull myself out of this somehow.

Experience has taught me that when my metal health goes off the rails like that I am sometimes able to prevent it from crashing even further (and even able to rescue it) if I distract it and try to refocus it on something.

I sent my niece a message on Viber to see how she was doing and soon learned from her hubby that she had gone into labour and was in hospital.  I was delighted!   This baby was so very important to them as a couple and has been the focus of many a prayer lately.

The news was enough to stop my mental health from crashing any further.  That particular niece is more like a daughter to me and I wanted to be able to be there for her and her hubby (albeit on the end of text messages).

4.16 Sunday morning baby was born (no name ahs been announced as yet)  a beautiful 7lbs 12 ounce boy and what is more baby, mother, and father are all fine :)

Yay!  Welcome to the world Grand Nephew!

Sunday (despite my tiredness and weakness) I managed to get to church in Wexford thanks to the help of a friend and even managed to spend the afternoon in fellowship. But had to come home relatively early as I had been having chest pains all day and needed to take some meds.  Not to mention the fact that I was fit to drop I was so weak and so tired.

The news of baby’s arrival and the ability to spend the morning in church and the afternoon and early evening in good company has lifted me mentally and I feel fairly stable again.

Even coming home, feeding the dog and wearily climbing into bed only to find that the television in bedroom had broken and wouldn’t even turn on wasn’t enough to detail my mental health again.  I simply played some music on my laptop and went to sleep.

The post I had written on Saturday (not the funny word one I had written previously in my drafts and published that day) but the one on not being too harsh or expecting too much from yourself, had been a timely post for me and a good reminder.

Today I know I am still a little fragile mentally but am determined to stay focussed and not be too critical of myself.  Four or five days ago (May 9th)  I wrote a piece on ‘Signs of things not being right‘ in which I recognized that things were not as good as I had thought they were in respect of my current or recent mental health.

I need to remember this and to recognize that I am still in that place and still coming out of that place and trying to improve things.  Having the right and a healthy perspective on things is important and I need to remember that and to see things clearly.

Today I am going to rest up some and to take things clearly and orderly.  This is my mental health and I have both the responsibility and the right to protect and improve it.  So the next few days are not just going to be about damage limitation they are going to be about recovery.

Hm. Funny Word It Is… ‘Steatopygic’

12 Saturday May 2012

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Hm. Funny Word It Is… ‘Steatopygic’

“Having a fat behind” it means.

Often used in respect of certain races it was.

From ‘steato’ – “fat or tallow” from the Greek ‘stear’ (gen. steatos) plus the Greek ‘pyge’ meaning “buttocks”.

Hm.  ‘Steatopygic’ the owner of this blog he is.

I Don’t Wear My Underpants On The Outside.

12 Saturday May 2012

Posted by in Bipolar Disorder, Depression, Functionality, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Paranoid Schizophrenia, Schizophrenia

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….And I don’t have a big red S on my chest!

 
It is something that I have to try and remember and especially when it comes to my health – both mental and physical.

It sounds silly doesn’t it?  And certainly (as the above graphic proves) we can make light of it all. But it really can be a serious issue especially when it comes to mental illness.

I think one of the problems stems from how we see ourselves.  It is something that I was reflecting on after having read numerous posts over the past few months in which folk were experiencing some negativity and feelings of failure as a result of the limitations that their mental health has placed on them.  No longer being able to do what they used to be able to do each and every time they need or want to do so.  And certainly I am guilty of the same kind of reactions.

But that is the reality of it all isn’t it?  I can no longer always so readily or so easily do the the things I used to do because in truth I am no longer the person I used to be.

At my heart, my core, I am of course still that person but now I am that person  with Mental Health issues. And I need to recognize and more importantly accept myself as that.  Because if I see myself as anything different am I not deluding myself and setting myself up for failure and feelings of inadequacy?

Additionally if I accept myself for who I am I can then also have a tangible and realistic goal – that of getting better or managing my illness to the best of my ability.

So the question is this.

Do I see myself as a perfectly well person who periodically experiences episodes of illness which in turn debilitate me – sometimes causing me to under-achieve and to fail to do the things I want to do?

or

Do I see myself as someone who unfortunately has serious mental health issues but who despite these is doing my best to manage my condition and who is sometimes able to achieve the things and do the things I want to do despite that illness(s)?

What I am talking about here is of course perspective.

I think many of us who do suffer from poor mental health will, at one time or another, felt unjustly judged or criticized by someone as a result of their not fully understanding, recognizing or taking into account the limitations and effect our mental health places upon us.  BUT aren’t we also guilty of doing the same thing to ourselves?

“I am my own worst enemy”  or “I am my own worst critic”  are phrases that are often heard and the reason they are often heard is because they carry a truth that is applicable to so many of us.

The truth is that I do not wear my underpants on the outside, I do not have a big red ‘S’ on my chest and I am not superhuman! I am as normal as the next person but my ‘normality’ is often affected by serious challenges and restrictions that many folk thankfully don’t experience.

And accepting myself as such is not defeatism it is realism!

Defeatism would be accepting the reality of those limitations and effects of my mental illness, not recognizing the benefits of it (and yes there can be some), and doing nothing in order to live the quality of life I and everyone else has a fundamental human right to live.

That is not what I do and that is not what I am going to do.

So next time you see me coming down hard of myself as a result of my not being able to do something because of my mental health you have my permission to remind me that “I don’t wear my underpants on the outside.”  All I ask in return is that the next time you come down hard on yourself as a result of the same thing you remind yourself of that truth also.

And if you ever do see me physically wearing my underpants on the outside, just smile sweetly, put your arm around me and lead me gently to a place of safety :)

Hm. Funny Word It Is… Digamy

11 Friday May 2012

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Hm. Funny Word It Is… ‘Digamy’

Means ‘remarriage after the death or divorce of a previous spouse’ it does.

From the Greek ‘di’ meaning ‘ two, double, twice,’ plus ‘gamy’ from the Greek meaning ‘marriage’ from ‘gamia’ from ‘gamos’ it is.

Hm.  Something weirdly un-nerving about the link between  ‘digamy’ and the ‘death of a previous spouse’ there is.

‘Digamy’ it is.  Also called ‘deuterogomy’ it is.

Passions Profile Challenge – Day Eleven – Reading

10 Thursday May 2012

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Since I have woken up this morning feeling a little bit brighter and a whole lot much more clearer of mind than I was yesterday. I thought I would get back to my Passions Profile Challenge.

[And by the way, many, many, thanks for all the comments and emails of support that I received in response to yesterday's post - they really are appreciated]

So today I am going to be writing about number 7 on my list – my passion for reading.

In my explanatory paragraph on my original list I stated that when it comes to reading…

I love reading and read a great deal.  It’s all about creativity, communication, imagination.  It’s about the sharing , the expressing, the learning and the empathizing for me .

As a child it was a window into the lives of others and my love for the bible afforded me many windows into the lives of the saints and the prophets and the disciples and Old Testament characters.

And as a Child it was also form of escapism for me.  Through books and the stories woven within books I could shake of the shackles of; my life, my surroundings, my world and escape into new worlds, new surroundings, and a whole plethora of new lives.

When much younger I would join with Mollie and Peter on the Wishing Chair or with Jo, Bessie and Fanny’s cousin Dick at the Magic Faraway Tree as Enid Blyton took us all on the most wonderful adventures.

Going to the most enchanted of places and meeting the most rambunctious of characters – even more rambunctious than I was and trust me that is saying something – was a sheer joy for me.

And even though it is reported that Enid Blyton did not herself like children very much this one child liked her very much indeed, well I liked her stories and that was good enough for me. In fact I liked them so much that I even have those books in my library today.

As I grew a little older – and were you to peek into my room at night you would be met not by me sleeping, as I was meant to be, but instead be me reading by a small boy reading by torch-light.

Now which boy you met – Tom Sawyer, Huck Finn, a young Davey Crockett, one of the famous five, a young Robinson Crusoe, or Gulliver, or Tom Brown, or David Copperfield, or Little Lord Fauntleroy (oh the list is endless) depended on what the young Kevin was reading that particular night.

When a little older, my interests turned to Tolkien and to The Hobbit and thusly to the Lord of the Rings Trilogy.  I devoured it and the rest of the books in the collection.

I loved the imagery, the battle between good and evil, the underdog coming up against the tyrannical injustice and might and winning through.

Like so many books before and since, it spoke to me.  It drew me in. It shared and invited and welcomed.

It said here is our journey, why not come along? And I did.  With every heart-racing, tear-jerking, page and emotion turning moment my mind dove into it an paralleled it with my own struggles.  So much did I enjoy it that for the exam that decided which senior school I was to attend I converted a highlighted version of it into verse and secured a place in the top school as a result of it. (Not that I took up that particular place – but then I was a rebel after all.)

After the Hobbit and the Lord of the Rings Trilogy came the Chronicles of Narnia and my love for the writings of C.S. Lewis.

Another collection (which like Tolkien’s I am pleased number within my library).

My new found love of Christ ( I grew up in a very orthodox and traditional hight Church of England setting and one where Christ was often mentioned but seldom explained and where His importance was totally misunderstood and incorrectly taught) fueling my passion for these books.  As did my love of adventure, words, stories and escapism.

At the same time my love for the Bible re-ignited and a new-found love for many other Christian writings and hagiography began.

Alongside this I developed an interest in learning about and understanding other teachings.  Additionally, (as a result of my upbringing and the darker, more secretive side of my father’s past) I wanted to learn more about Satanism, witchcraft and the Occult.

My education was finishing in terms of academia and it was time to go out into the world of employment but my love of learning continued through my reading.  Something which has only ever been hindered by my mental health and the times when my mind just couldn’t take things in.

As parents my wife and I rad regularly to our son and made sure that books were an essential part of his childhood and I urge all parents to do the same.  For establishing this in early childhood can benefit a child no end.

That mental health and the effects I spoke about are critical to my reading and how much I read and whilst the mind that I have and it’s ability to read and devour information were a complete God-send, there was to be a terrible downside of it also.

My memory started going and with it my ability to retain information and enjoy reading. Bible references that I could at one time remember and quote with ease I no longer recalled.  Information which I always had to hand was no longer there for me.  And re-obtaining it or obtaining and retaining new information beyond my mental reach.

At times when I read I am not able to even remember the first sentence before I have reached half way through the second sentence and I cannot begin to explain the devastating effect that can have on the ability to enjoy reading.  How can you enjoy a story if you can’t remember the story – whose in it, what they did, and when?

Thankfully this is something which seems to be improving and I am so grateful for that.  Because for the past five years I haven’t even been able to write any of the books that I have been writing. I couldn’t even remember storylines, plots and characters of my own stories and books that I have written for my own children.

They say that ‘absence makes the heart grow fonder’ and that ‘you never really appreciate something until you have lost it.’

Well there is certainly some truth in that and certainly in respect of my reading.

So reading is something that I do count as a passion and one which I am so delighted some of my children also have.  I am so proud of them for this and delight when they share the books they are reading with me.

Sadly I do not own such luxuries as a kindle.  But thankfully I do have a kindle app on my phone and can get books on there.  So when I am travelling to and from or waiting around at hospital appointments I am able to read.

I am also able to read blogs and to enter and share through them into the worlds and lives that my fellow bloggers live.

Reading offers such a wealth, such a challenge, such an education that we could not get anywhere else.

I remember thinking about my children and of how much I love them.  Many of them go through so much and have so little by this world’s standards and I remember wanting to offer them so much in life.  I recall saying to myself, “If the world was mine to offer them I would gladly do so.”

Well I can’t offer this world to my children and to be honest with you, the way it is looking I am not sure they would want it or I would want to offer it.

But through books and a love of reading I can offer my children hundreds of worlds and in so doing I hope and pray that together they and I can learn to improve this world that we do share.

 

 

 

Hm. Funny Word It Is… Dactylonomy

10 Thursday May 2012

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Hm. Funny Word It Is… ‘Dactylonomy’

Something we have probably all done it is.

From the Greek ‘dactylos’ meaning finger and the Greek ‘nomos’ meaning custom or law it is.

Counting using one’s fingers it is.

Count on one hand how many times I’ve seen the word used I can.

Oops, there I go again I do.

‘Dactylonomy’ it is.

Signs of things not being right.

09 Wednesday May 2012

Posted by in Anxiety, Bipolar Disorder, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Paranoia, Paranoid Schizophrenia, Self-Harming

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Possible Trigger Warning – Sorry

I have suffered with my mental health for many years now and in all that time I have had ups and downs?

Don’t we all?  Isn’t that just part of life?

Well yeah it is and having mental health issues doesn’t make you exempt from that.  Actually if  anything it makes you more prone to that.

Having mental health issues for a long time can do one something else aswell however.

It can give you experience, experience to know when something just isn’t right.  You see the signs and you recognize them for what they are.  Things are starting to fall apart and you need to act.

Signs like finding letters you thought you had already read and hey who knows perhaps you have and just forgot to file them?  Signs like forgetting where you put things?  When you last did something?  Why you came into the room you are standing in?

Signs like the voices getting louder, more insistent, more poignant.

Signs like that over-whelming compulsion to withdraw into a shell.  Inside a shell where I can hide myself, protect myself, and yes sadly even hurt myself.

But then am I not coping?   I can type. Yeah, ok, it is taken hours where usually it takes minutes, but am I not still typing?  Still making sense?

I am leaving taps running only to then notice the sound of the sink overflowing but hey at least I remembered to fill the sink in order to wash?

Episodes of lucidity amidst hours of numbness and confusion replace episodes of numbness and confusion amidst hours of lucidity.  But hey, aren’t they still just episodes?

Pictures take on a whole new depth and meaning.  Speak louder communicate clearer, impact deeper.

This picture draws me in, it appeals to me, calls to me even.  I see peace.  I see strength. I see resilience. But I also see death and storms and deep sadness all around that strong, peaceful, resilient tree.

The first picture up above I delight in and yet with deep sadness (if that even makes sense) because it is how I am feeling.  How I am realizing things are right now.

I am beginning to ramble I think – yeah another of those signs.  So I am going to close with one last picture.  It is one that I found on a blog called “Ownerless Mind”  I know no the origin of the picture and mention the blog purely in order to respect the fact that I got the picture from there.

As a Christian, I cannot and do not make any claim to agree with that blogs philosophy nor do I have any links with the belief system normally associated with the subject in the picture.  It is simply an incredibly beautiful and inspirational picture and one that speaks deeply to me.

In this post I have opened up a little about how I am at this moment.  Where I am at.  What I am experiencing.  I honestly have tried very hard to be real and yet not real pessimistic.

As a child I would put a shell to my ear and believe I could hear the sea. Yeah of course I now know I wasn’t ever really hearing the sea.  But my father told me I was so I believed I was.

Today I don’t want a shell in order to hear the sea my father once told me I could hear

Today I need to resist hiding within a shell and instead – leaving the shell be – I need to understand.  To understand the world.  To understand what is happening to me.  To understand me.  To hear the world instead of that sea of voices and most of all to hear my Father.  My heavenly Father.

And even if I can’t hear Him. I know He still hears me.

Hm. Funny Word It Is… Rampasture

08 Tuesday May 2012

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Hm. Funny Word It Is… ‘Rampasture’.

Means a large attic it does.

But also means a room in which several unmarried men reside, usually in a
boarding house or inn it does.

Strangely appropriate it is.

‘Rampasture’ Ram Pasture it is.

Reaching Out.

08 Tuesday May 2012

Posted by in Bipolar Disorder, Depression, Feelings, Isolation, Mental Health, Mental Health Writers' Guild, Mental Illness, Paranoid Schizophrenia, Relationships

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I have to be honest and admit that my heart is troubled today.  Actually it has been troubled for a few days now.  So I thought I would tell you three extremely short stories all based on the theme of ‘reaching out’.

Peter was drowning, drowning fast.  He had tried to keep his head above water for so long now.  Doing all he could to just stay afloat.

He was sinking, sinking fast.  Despite all his efforts he was sinking and he knew it.

“I can see the light!  I am sure I can see the light!  If only I reach out towards that light, that hope.  Perhaps someone will reach out to me and help me.” He told himself.

Claire was doing her best to make her way on her journey.  But in truth she was struggling.

It had grown dark, so very dark.  Suddenly so very Dark.

In the darkness she stumbled and fell.

Falling fast, unable to see anything,  she reached out in that darkness.

Hoping for something to grab hold of.  Hoping beyond hope that something, someone would be there.

Samantha was tired, so very tired.  It had been a long and arduous journey and one through somehow unfamiliar territory.

She had been in unfamiliar territory many times before but this time it was somehow different.

Somehow she had reached the edge and didn’t know where to turn.  Scared and confused and not seeing or knowing who to reach out to for help, she sat and waited.  Hoping that someone, anyone would come along.

-oOo-

So there you have it.  Three short stories all based on the theme of ‘Reaching Out’ (or not be able to reach out in one case) They are about three different people all of whom share one or two things in common.(apart from a need to either reach out or have someone reach out to them)

Actually the stories don’t readily identify what the three characters all have in common but that’ ok because I can tell you…

They are all folk who experience poor mental health and who blog about their mental health.

Why not take a moment to read those short stories again and this time, knowing that they all experience mental health issues and are fellow bloggers look at their situations not in respect of the physical but the mental and the emotional.

Recognize those situations?  Perhaps previously or even currently in your own life or the lives of other fellow mental health bloggers?

The fact is that any one of us could be ‘Peter’ feeling as if we are going under and desperately trying to find some hope.  Likewise any one of us could be ‘Claire’ suddenly hit by depression and not seeing anyway out of it so reaching out blindly in the darkness.  And in the same way any one of us could be ‘Samantha’ feeling like we are ‘on the edge’ and not knowing what way to turn.

The fact is also that we are so many of us bloggers or readers who know what those feelings are like, aren’t we?

So which one are you?  Are you a Peter or a Claire or a Samantha?  Which one were you a month ago, and the month before that, and the week before that?

Perhaps right now you are neither of them?  Perhaps right now you are coping well?

Perhaps right now you can be the person they can reach out to or who will reach out to them?

Yes, I have to be honest and admit that my heart is troubled today.  Actually it has been troubled for a few days now.  So I thought I would tell you three extremely short stories all based on the theme of ‘reaching out’ and in the process encourage us all to reach out to each other.

Many already do and that is great, but many don’t.  Perhaps you feel you have little to offer of any worth?  Perhaps you are frightened of being rejected or of messing up?  All of these things are natural, but the truth is that we all have something of worth to offer – our time and our compassion.

So how about it?  If you don’t already do it, how about next time you read a blog you just take a minute or two to hit ‘like’ if you liked it, or to leave a comment and let the person know they are not alone and someone out there is listening.?

Some weeks back I started the Mental Health Writers’ Guild in the hope of providing a community for those of us who write about Mental Health.  If you sometimes write about Mental Health, how about checking it out and if you have not already done so, why not join us?

May is Mental Health month in America, how about we use this month to reach out to each other?

What About Them Phobias?

07 Monday May 2012

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Before going to bed last night and trying (and failing miserably) to sleep I posted one of my ‘Hm. Funny Word It Is‘ posts.

Actually the word I chose was ‘Kenophobia’ – the fear of open or empty spaces.

This gave rise to a comment which then gave rise to a whole night’s (well what did you expect? I was unable to sleep and had to occupy my mind with something.) consideration of phobias.

My blogging buddy magicallymad from Not Quite Dead asked a question or two about a fear of blank pages and a fear of being empty of heart.

I could think of no actual label for either of these phobias. So I decided to have some fun with them. (Yeah, yeah, ok I decided to have some nerdy geeky fun with them.)

The fear of hearts is ‘Cardiophobia’ but that, if it is even recognized, (which often depends on which body or organization you ask) would be more applicable to the heart as an organ.

Since the original question was about being ‘empty of heart’ I guessed that this was about a fear of having a loss of feeling or emotions.

Generally speaking the lack of feelings and emotions is commonly known as Apathy.

So since we needed to create a new term for the fear of having a loss of or lack of emotions and feelings an educated created term would have to, I think, be ‘Apathephobia’.

‘Apathephobia’ uses a combination of the word apathy/apathetic (taken from the Greek words ‘apatheia’ – freedom from suffering, impassability, want of sensation, and ‘pathos’ – emotion, feeling, suffering) and phobia the Greek word for fear.

So there you have it a newly created term for having a fear of loosing all feelings/emotions – ‘Apathephobia.’

Now in respect of a fear of a blank page again I am not aware of there being a recognized name for it.

Certainly if the fear is related just to the emptiness (of the page) Kenophobia would be close.

But if the fear of the blank page comes from the place of a writer and his or her fear of not being able to actually write anything, then that particular fear might be closer to ‘Kakorrhaphiaphobia’ – The fear of failure or defeat.

So just for fun (ok just for nerdy geeky fun) and since we had already created a new term for one fear it seemed ok to create another new term for another fear.

The Greek word for ‘writing’ is ‘Graph’. So combining that with the already cited term for fear of failure or defeat ‘Kakorrhaphiaphobia’ we came up with the term ‘Kakorrhaphiographophobia’ – the fear of not being able to write. Lol.

So there you have it!

Next time you sit at your computer screen and stare at a blank window not really sure what to write and you start to panic that you just won’t be able to write anything you will at least have a name for that fear. (albeit one I made up lol.)

‘Kakorrhaphiographophobia’

Oh and by the way did you know that the fear of long words is ‘Hippopotomonstrosesquipedaliophobia’.

Now I am no expert here  but it does seem kind of mean to me giving the fear of long words a name which is itself a really long word!  I mean can you imagine it…..

Patient:   “Doctor, Doctor, I have a fear of really long words.”

Doctor: “Oh that is called ‘Hippopotomonstrosesquipedaliophobia’.

Patient:  Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hm. Funny Word It Is – kenophobia

07 Monday May 2012

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Hm. Funny word it is ‘kenophobia’

Fear of open or empty spaces it is.

From the Greek ‘kenos’ meaning open and ‘phobos’ meaning fear it is.

The same as agorophobia it is not.

Fear of crowded or enclosed public places that is.

Almost exactly opposite of that kenophobia is.

Often mixed up they are.

Irrational fear of male Barbie dolls Kenophobia is not.

Passions Profile Challenge – Day Ten – Review.

06 Sunday May 2012

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Well this is Day 10 in my Passions Profile Challenge and I am still very much enjoying it!

Since my last review of this process I have managed to explore and write about a  further four of my passions.

In all honesty my intention had been that I would do one passion per day and to do them over twelve consecutive days.  Actually that never happened but since I made the whole thing up – hey no rules no foul!

Day Six saw me exploring ‘Art and the Arts‘ and I have to say I really enjoy exploring this once more.  It has also rekindled my enthusiasm to get back into painting and sculpting and the such and I am determined to get my spare room back into some semblance of an art room.

Day Seven saw me reconsidering the whole ‘subject of family’ and I have to be honest here an unexpected spin-off of this has been the thoughts and reflections I have been doing about the family of God and my past lack of regular attendance at any church or fellowship.

But then the Holy Spirit can be like that.  He speaks into situations when we often least expect it – highlighting issues and circumstances – even footholds and strongholds in our lives which Christ wants us to surrender or break down.

Day Eight saw me looking at ‘Mental Health and Mental Illness’ and it may seem to be a strange thing to include as a specific subject on a blog that is all about Mental Health and Mental Illness.

But the fact is that as a Mental Health writer I often write about specifics.  I blog about things that happen and which are impacted by or related to my mental health or mental health in general and sometimes it is good to just step back, look at the big picture and to reflect on what you see.

I think it was Confucius who said “By three methods we may learn wisdom: First, by reflection, which is noblest; Second, by imitation, which is easiest; and third by experience, which is the bitterest.”

[And yes I know that I am a Christian and to some it might appear strange my quoting Confucius but truth is truth and wisdom is wisdom.]

Day Nine had me thinking about my love of ‘language’ again and I had great fun getting re-acquainted with this particular passion.

I decided to spend some time with the old books on my bookshelf and to just get re-acquainted with my lexicons, dictionaries, and etymologicons.

Yeah I know I am a nerd. But hey each to their own :)

So again I am so very pleased and decided to undertake this challenge and I have to say that I have also had great fun following the Passions Profile Challenges that my blogging buddies over at Infinite Sadness or What? and But She’s Crazy are doing too.

So I encourage you to pop over and check them out if you have the time.

I also encourage you to consider taking up this challenge for yourself!  If you do, let me know as I would love to follow your journey through it!

Passions Profile Challenge – Day Nine – Language

05 Saturday May 2012

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Now if there is one passion listed within my Passions Profile Challenge List which clearly demonstrates that I am very old-fashioned in some ways it is my passion for and my beliefs concerning language.

As a writer and blogger words are extremely important to me and the correct use of them equally as important.

I love words and the way that they are so often used to communicate the most inspirational messages.   It is one of the reasons I started the ‘Hm. Funny Word It Is‘ feature on this blog,

As an artist I love pictures too and in this I am extremely blessed nd I love it when the two are combined.

I even love foreign languages I am just no good at them.

As a child at school I struggled to learn new languages – it was compulsory in my school and I wish I had tried harder but something in my head just didn’t seem able to retain foreign languages adequately and what with my worsening mental health that inability has only  grown more apparent.  That is not to say that I don’t still appreciate them or find them extremely interesting.

But my true love lies with the language that I grew up with – English.  I am keenly interested in its development, history, application and construct and words fascinate me.

@balodscartoonblog

What saddens me greatly however, is how language is so often pulled apart and assaulted in the name of ‘progress’ and as a result of the seemingly ever-increasing compulsion towards ‘immediacy’ and ‘ease’. Or as I see them (donning my grumpy old git hat once more) ‘impatience’ and ‘laziness’.

Sometimes, when receiving a text message on my mobile phone or on Facebook, it is as if you need to invest in a Textspeek-English dictionary in order to understand it.

I sit there reading and re-reading messages trying to work out what the person sending the message is actually trying to say to me.

I pray to God that doctors never take up the practice of texting medical examination and test results to their patients.  Because I am convinced I will die of a typo.

Now don’t get me wrong here, I am not an old fuddy duddy – (Please send comments and observations to the contrary on a postcard to ‘Grumpy Old Git’ @ ‘Who are you trying to kid’, Ireland please) – I use computer regularly and extensively and when doping so I have no problem with LOL and the such.  But why is it that no one seems to take time to write words in full any more?

I once had a friend (yes I know that seems hard to believe) and his name was Ian.  But when ever he signed his name on anything that wasn’t formal he would just put ‘I’.

I was like, “Are you kidding me?  Your name is three letters long!  Are you really too busy to write the other two letters?  Or do you consider using the extra ink needed in order to write the other two letters in your name to be exorbitant?”  LOL.

I understand and indeed appreciate the way that languages evolve and it interests me greatly how words can change meanings and indeed suddenly become, in some circumstances, the very opposite of what they used to mean.

For example – wicked used to mean something bad. Now it is often used to mean something really good.

But, as I said above, I truly believe that language should inspire and educate not addle or stifle the brain.

One of the greatest pleasures I get from reading other blogger’s work is the veritable (that one was put there just for magicallymad) cornucopia of different words and expressions that they offer.

When I read something I like to be challenged.  I love coming across new words and having to reach for a dictionary to see if my albeit educated guess at its meaning was correct.  Not search on eBay for a cheap ‘enigma machine‘ (oops there I go showing my age again) just so I can work out what code the person is using in order to communicate with me!

So there you have it why I am passionate about language and including my rants about the my pet peeves when it comes to language.  (Did you notice how reserved and self-controlled I was by not mentioning bad or profane language?)

I really am passionate about words and language and (despite the rantings and ‘grumpy old git’ impersonation above) and not inflexible when the English language is adopted or adapted.  Afterall I write blogs here on WordPress and despite being thoroughly English I accept the fact that I have to Americanize the words that I use in order for the in-built spell-checker not to pounce on me.

I hope you have enjoyed reading this “Day Nine’s” entry on the Passions Profile Challenge and dealing with number 12 on my list and I look forward to all your comments and feedback.

Do you feel the same way?  Are you convinced that I am just a grumpy old git after all?

And I leave you with one final graphic…

 

Hm. Funny Word It Is – Fasting

05 Saturday May 2012

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Hm. Funny word it is ‘Fasting’

Old English it is.

From O.E. fæstan “to fast” (as a religious duty) it is.

‘Hold Firmly’ it means.

‘Firm control of oneself’ it implies.

‘Fasting’ sadly ironical it is.  ‘Fasting’ goes so very slowly it does.

A Different Child Every Few Days

05 Saturday May 2012

Posted by in Behavior, Bipolar Disorder, Depression, Feelings, Functionality, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Paranoid Schizophrenia, Relationships, Schizophrenia

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No this is not an advertizing campaign for celebrities who seem to want to be seen to be compassionate and so fly off and pick and choose babies to adopt.

And no it isn’t an exchange program where we all get to swap our kids.

[Hm that reminds me of the first time I saw a sign on a supermarket door saying 'Baby Changing Room'.

I couldn't help picturing numerous babies inside in baskets and frustrated parents going in with their own crying, agitated baby and simply changing it for one less agitated or noisy!

See you will never see one of those signs in the same way again now will you? LOL]

But I digress,  actually the title is part of an answer gave a year or so back to a friend of mine from church who when meeting my mother and I for coffee (my mother was visiting me in Ireland for the first time) asked my mother the question, “So tell me, what was it like having Kevin as child?”

“What was it like having Kevin as a child?” My mother considered the question as she sipped her coffee.  “Well I’ll tell you,” she replied, “I had three boys and a girl and each were different but with Kevin, well with Kevin it was like having a different child every few days.“

Now my mother didn’t mean any harm, embarrassment or offense to me.  She is one of life’s formidable women who will tell it to you straight.  If you are walking like a duck, sounding like a duck and acting like a duck then  “Stop acting like a duck you fool your a human!” is her approach to things LOL.

No she meant no harm, embarrassment or offense and the fact is that she was right.  But then mental illness can do that to someone can’t it, especially a child and especially a child whose mental illness was never acknowledged or medicated.

Let me explain and to do so let me explain using a simplification of what can take place…

For every child or person there is in any relationship a set of normal or expected behaviours.

Simply put any time that child or person behaviours within those expected or normal behaviours we consider them to be ‘being his or her self’.

But when that child or person’s behaviour is outside of that recognized or expected or even acceptable area we consider something to be wrong.  “I am not sure what is wrong with Kevin, he just isn’t himself today.”

How far away from (or outside of) his or her normal behaviours he or she is will often dictate the level of concern expressed.

Add to this picture positive or negative opposite connotations to the two poles (A and B) such as Bad & Good or Down & Up or Depressed and Manic and the whole thing takes on a totally different complexion doesn’t it?

The fact of the matter is that my mother was perfectly right in her answer and description of me as a child because that is exactly what I was like.  I was (in a very  simplistic explanation of it all) experiencing fluctuating mental states and in response to that my behaviours were fluctuating.

Are but if you were “a different child every few days” how did they set that ‘normal or expected behaviours area’ you talked about?  I hear the more observant of you ask.

Well the answer lies in the opening words of my mother’s answer and incidentally mirrors society’s approach to this.  My mother said, “Well I had three boys and one girl and each were different, but Kevin…”

The ‘normal’ or ‘expected’ behaviours area was not set on what I Kevin did but on what my brothers and sisters did.  My behaviours, as demonstrated by the “but Kevin” were outside of this norm.  And after all, how do we as a society measure extreme behaviour?  By how far removed or away from the norm it is.

And so it wasn’t any wonder that I was (as my mother described me) “a different child every few days“.

All very logical and simple so far isn’t it?  I agree.  BUT what about the knock on effect that has on relationships?  If I was – to all intents and purposes – “a different child every few days – which child (or which person if this happens in later life) do you have a relationship with? And how can you form or maintain any progressing and sustaining relationship?

Let’s introduce a partner, a lover, a wife into this scenario…

I wonder how many of us who had mental health issues before meeting our partner, fully disclosed the presence or even the extent of those issues to that partner before any marriage or serious commitment was made?  After all, isn’t it perfectly natural to think such thoughts as, “if I show him/her just how messed up I am there is no way he/she will want to go out with, date, marry, live with me?”

And what happens when mental health issues enter into a relationship after the relationship has been formed?

We meet, form and develop relationships with the people we love by getting to know them.  Part of that getting to know them is our formulating an understanding of them through their characteristics, attitudes, AND behaviour patterns.  And sharing in those is a fundamental part of that togetherness.

So when one person starts to be continually outside of those expected behaviours that togetherness is strained  and ultimately can be lost.

And this can have a devastating effect on a relationship and especially where both parties are outside of the normal behaviours area and not together.

And of course this doesn’t only happen in respect of mental health.  It can happen with physical health and other things as well.

Of course all does not have to be so bleak.  With the right approach or with the right medication the potential for harm to a relationship can be drastically reduced, often by the movement away from and outside expected or acceptable behaviours being greatly reduced or the expected behaviour being achievable again.

As I said earlier, this is a simplification of what can happen but it is no less valid as a result of that.

Sadly, or so it would seem to me, relationships and the effects that mental illness or poor mental health are all too often overlooked in our approach to mental health issues.

And I for one can testify  that my own mental health has impacted my relationships so very much in the past and to no small degree because for these very reasons.

So I thought I would share those simplified thoughts with you and would be very interested in your comments and feedback on them.

 

Runaway Thoughts

03 Thursday May 2012

Posted by in Functionality, Mania and/or Manic Episodes, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Thoughts

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I wonder, purely as a matter of interest, how many others have problems with runaway thoughts?

Now let me clarify things here and perhaps dispel a popular myth in the process.

See I am a guy – no silly that isn’t the popular myth I was talking about! – and yet I can (despite the popular myth about guys not being able to multi-task) very easily multi-task.  Actually I am nearly always multi-tasking!

Other than when my mind goes into melt-down or the depression is so bad that my ability to function crashes of course.

It is how my brain works and trust me irritates the begeebees out of some folk.

I often have numerous programs running on my computers at the same time.  Will very often read a book and watch television at the same time AND enjoy and get the storyline perfectly well for both.

If I am not reading whilst watching I will watch numerous channels by flicking back and forth and still enjoy each of the programs (often more so that if I just sit and watch one)

Whilst on Skype or on the phone I often hold a perfectly good conversations whilst writing out a blog, filling in a form, designing a website or writing a book.  (Providing of course the people I am talking to are also good at conversations.)

BUT when I try to do one thing at a time I find my mind wanders off in all types of directions.  And that is really annoying!

Another thing that I have noticed is that my mind works in such a way that my thoughts often run ahead of themselves.  This happens when I am typing a blog or a chapter in a book.

What happens is this.  I will be typing and as I type a paragraph my mind is usually almost dictating the rest of the story or article to me.

Now I type pretty fast but often not fast enough to keep up with my mind so as I am typing my mind is pre-writing the story in my head, word for word, and then I suddenly notice that I have jumped from the part I was typing to a paragraph or two ahead from the story in my mind.

It is so annoying and I get so frustrated with myself that I often feel like just giving up !

Likewise it happens when I am writing letters.  I will be writing a sentence and as I am, doing so I am rehearsing in my head the rest of the paragraph and suddenly realize that even half way through a word I have gone straight into a different word several words on in the script I have rehearsed in my mind.

So I thought that I would put that out there and see if any of you experience similar things?

I really would be interested in your comments.  Thanks.

The ‘Hm. Funny Word It Is’ feature.

03 Thursday May 2012

Posted by in Hm Funny Word It Is

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OK so I thought I would add a new feature to the blog!  Since I love words and writing I thought every now and then I would throw an interesting word out there.

This will appear with the above graphic and will just be a little bit of fun.  For example….

“Oxymoron“  Hm funny word it is.

From 1650s it is

From the Greek it is. Meaning ‘pointedly foolish‘ it does.

Now used to mean a ‘contradiction in terms‘ it is.

‘Oxymoron’ someone who forgets to breathe it’s not.

Passions Profile Challenge – Day Eight – Mental Health & Mental Illness

03 Thursday May 2012

Posted by in Challenges, Mental Health, Mental Health Writers' Guild, Mental Illness, Passions Profile Challenge

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So, as the title suggests, I have reached Day Eight in the Passions Profile Challenge!

And today I am reflecting on number three on my original list of things that I am passionate about which is Mental Health and Mental Illness.

As someone who has suffered from mental illness for as long as I can remember, I am so very passionate about the whole subject of mental health and mental illness.  How they are presented, how they are represented, people’s awareness and understanding of it, mental health advocacy, mental wellness awareness etc.

This is one of the reasons why I am a member of the Mental Health Writers’ Guild.

So how big an issue is this?

Well in the US…

The National Institute for Mental Health states on it’s website that…

Mental disorders are common in the United States, and in a given year approximately one quarter of adults are diagnosable for one or more disorders.1

In terms of children & adolescents they make this statement…

Just over 20 percent (or 1 in 5) children, either currently or at some point during their life, have had a seriously debilitating mental disorder 2

And how about the UK?

The Mental Health Foundation state on their website that…

1 in 4 British adults experience at least one diagnosable mental health problem in any one year, and 1 in 6 experiences this at any given time.
(The Office for National Statistics Psychiatric Morbidity report, 2001) 3

And again in respect of children…

Estimates vary, but research suggests that 20% of children have a mental health problem in any given year, and about 10% at any one time.  4

These are devastating figures when you think about it aren’t they?

Have you notice how very similar those figures are for both the USA and for the UK in respect of both Adults and Children alike?

And here is a very interesting little exercise and consideration for us all to do and to reflect upon.

Taking a piece of paper make two lists..

The first list being the living adults in your immediate family – Only include yourself and your partner and you and your partner’s; grand parents, parents, brothers, and sisters and any adult children you or they may have and who have not already been included.

Now list the children under the age of let’s say 16 that they and you have.

Now look at those lists again…

Potentially, according to statistics, in respect of the adults you have listed, 1 in 4 of those loved ones will have, have had, or do have mental health difficulties.

Likewise, potentially and according to statistics, in respect of the children you have listed, around 1 in 5 of those young loved ones will have, have had, or do have mental health difficulties in their childhoods.

It’s a very sobering thought isn’t it?

No matter how we look at it, the whole question of Mental Health affects us all.  Maybe not specifically ourselves but almost certainly a loved-one or a friend or an acquaintance.

Am I passionate about mental health and mental illness?  You are darn right I am and not only because I myself have mental health problems but because like you I too can write those two lists and like I hope you do, I truly care for those on my list and even for those on yours.

 

Alphabet Survey

02 Wednesday May 2012

Posted by in Uncategorized

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This morning, whilst visiting the blogs I normally follow I came across the ALPHABET SURVEY.

I actually cam across it on Day in the life of a Busy Gal (a fellow member of the Mental Health Writer’s Guild) who in turn got it from a blogger called Juliana’s blog and I believe she in turn got the idea from someone called Katy.

It looked like fun so I thought I would also do it.

A is for age: I am officially 50 this year and thankfully age doesn’t bother me :)

B is for breakfast today: I had toast and I had it at 4.37 this morning.  I was feeling pretty sick and couldn’t sleep.  I was suffering from a migraine and knew there was a potential for me to be in bed all day so I had a very early breakfast.

C is for currently craving: Ah now see this might be a slightly different answer than most would give.  I am not craving chocolate, or ice cream or affection as some do, nope I am craving something very different a Parker Vector Calligraphy Set I have seen on Ebay LOL Yeah I know I am strange.

D is for dinner tonight: Hmm dinner tonight?  Burgers I think :)

E is for favorite type of exercise: Exercise Bike.  I don’t have one but would very much love one.

F is for an irrational fear: So this will be another strange one perhaps.  My irrational fear would be – that the voices were right all along.  (Hm or maybe that is rational?)

G is for gross food: Squid or Octopus or Jellied Eels! Yuk!

H is for hometown: Portsmouth, England.  It is where I was born although being a bit of a free spirit where I live now is as much my hometown in my heart.

I is for something important: My faith and my family.

J is for current favorite jam: Cherry Preserve, Cherry or Black Cherry .

K is for kids: I have many :) One biological and many adopted.

L is for current location: Why sitting at my desk in my study of course :)

M is for the most recent way you spent money: Ack! Paying bills online.

N is for something you need: Ack!  More money to pay more bills LOL,

O is for occupation: I was officially retired from work a number of years back on medical grounds, so now I blog and I write but they are more occupational therapy than occupation :)

P is for pet peeve: Dishonesty and Lies, especially ones that insult your intelligence.

Q is for a quote: “Please don’t judge me for self-harming.  After all I am only hurting the same person you sometimes hurt.  ME!”

R is for random fact about you: Ah well this is a fairly sad fact about me.  It is the age-old tale of something getting in the middle of a relationship and that relationship ending as a result of it.  :)   I used to see them ages ago and then something got in the middle of us and we no longer see each other. Oh you want more details?  Who was it that I used to see?  What was it that cam between us?  OK well if you must know it is ……

My feet!  I used to see them regularly and then my stomach got in between us and since then I stopped seeing them. hahaha sorry I couldn’t resist it :)

S is for favorite healthy snack: Bananas

T is for favorite treat: My daughter flying in from the states to spend time with me.

U is for something that makes you unique: Despite being the person I have known the longest and the one person I could not live without, I am the one person, whom I have met so far, who I seem to judge the most harshly.

V is for favorite vegetable: String Beans!  It’s a childhood thing – stop judging me LOL

W is for today’s workout: Will be a mental workout! I have some things I need to work out!

X is for X-rays you’ve had: Crumbs,  what a list!  Feet, legs, arms, chest [numerous], knuckles (former life so don’t ask) head, pelvis, wrist.  Hm  I think that is it.

Y is for yesterday’s highlight: Writing two chapters of my current book and sending off a load of letters and my camera to be replaced.

Z is for your time zone: GMT

So there you have it!  I want to thank the blogger mentioned above for their inspiration and to encourage you to participate on the Alphabet Survey by blogging about your answers.

If you do decide to participate why not leave your link in the comments and I’ll pop over and check them out. Oh and don’t forget to visit the bloggers mentioned above too.

Passions Profile Challenge – Day Seven – Family

01 Tuesday May 2012

Posted by in Uncategorized

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I wonder what you thought when you saw the title of this post and that it was about family?

Did you think, “Oh here goes, another blogger posting pics of his family?”   or that perhaps I would be showing cute pictures of fluffy little bunny rabbits to emphasise that we all need someone?  Maybe you thought you were going to be shown pictures of orphans, hear sound-bites of kids looking to be adopted?

If you have been following my journey through this Passions Profile Challenge, you will know that I have already covered my own family and so no there will be no pictures of my family in this post.

And actually cute fluffy bunnies are not my style.  Likewise, whilst I am totally aware of the serious need out there for more people to consider the plight of the world’s orphans I can assure you there will be no heart-tugging, tear-jerking soundbites, video clips or stories of children who are unloved.

THe truth is that before I became so ill I used to work within the social care sector and in that role I worked for a Christian organisation ministering to folk with mental health difficulties, teenage runaways, single parent families and the street homeless.

Having been street homeless myself for several months when much younger and having my own battles with mental illness it was a work and aI was so very passionate about and am still so very passionate about.  Being able to work in that field as a Christian for a Christian organisation just made it all the more better.

Ask any worker who works with the young street homeless, with cast off children, with orphans and they will soon tell you the most commonly asked questions…

Where did I come from?

Why didn’t they want me?

Why didn’t they love me?

Why didn’t don’t or can’t I belong?

And trust me when you sit with a street hardened teenage drug addict and look into the depths of sadness held within their eyes and hear them crying out those words it hit you and they hit you hard.

But is it only the young who need family?

THis is a mental health blog and I write mainly about mental health.  But as you probably have guessed already I am a Christian and whilst I try to keep the sharing of my CHristian beliefs to a minimum on this particular blog, there are times when I can not remain silent and the cross over between my mental health and my faith has to be allowed to be apparent.

As  a Christian I fully and totally believe that God desires for each and every one of us to be in a family.  Even the Godhead, the Holy Trinity, in my eyes, speaks to us about family.

As a former social care practitioner and one who worked with mental health clients I know only too well the devastating effect that poor mental health and mental illness  can have on families.

I am blessed and I don’t mind admitting it.  I have a biological family and an adopted family.  In truth, and I mean no slant here, my adopted family understand my mental health far better than my biological family, but either way they both love me and I appreciate that.

But in that I am not only blessed but unusual and not everyone is as fortunate as I have been.

In a world where immediacy, instant gratification, selfish desire, convenience and disposability seem to be the watch-words of the day I have all too often witnessed how even children, are disposable nowadays and where designer-style and aesthetics have infiltrated the acceptability and worth of our young.

‘It takes a village to raise a child’ the popular saying goes and I have no problem with that statement.  But in my heart I believe it takes just one single individual, one person with a heart, to invite others to join with him or her and to form that village, to become that family.

Is it just our children, our young people who need a family?  Or are there others out there who are feeling so lonely, so loveless, so vulnerable and so desperately unhappy and who need that tenderness, that caring, that acceptance?

Tomorrow morning when you go for a walk, drive past people on the street, take the bus or the tube or the train, look around you at those you are passing by.  Think back on all those people you have met but don’t see or hear of any more.  Consider, if you will, the authors of the blogs that you read or follow who seem to be struggling and alone.

When I began this post I promised you no fluffy bunny pictures, no sound bites of children looking for a family, no pictures of my family. And I will stay true to that promise.  But I did want to share one video clip with you and I hope you will understand why.

Don’t worry, it isn’t of some war-torn country, or poverty striken community.  As promised it isn’t of children begging to be adopted or to be loved.  Well not young children anyway.  It is something entirely different.

Actually it is a video clip which speaks to me as a Christian and I sincerely hope that if you are not a Christian you will not let that put you off.  Because equally it speaks to me also as someone who suffers from mental health problems.

So I urge you to watch it and to listen carefully to the words spoken. To listen with your heart and to respond also with your heart.  It is one video about one man, one man who faces mental health related issues.  But in truth it could be about so many.

It is about family.  I am, as I hope you can tell from this posting, passionate about family and I hope from this clip you can understand why…

At the end of this clip he goes off onto a tangent some may find uninteresting but that isn’t the part that I wanted folk to hear and to really respond to.

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