Courtesy of my-walls.net no copyright infringement intended. –
I found this picture over at my-walls.net and it really is appropriate for this post
Whilst a different location and indeed not a photo I myself have taken it is very similar of a scene that I know so very well. A group (or murder) of crows suddenly flying up out of a field.
Look out of my study window and across the road you will see a field (although not as pretty as the one in the photo) and very often there are crows in that field. They sit, walk, peck and feed on it quite contentedly.
Not many people really know they are there (except the field itself of course) until there is a sudden noise (kids shouting or a car back-firing) and suddenly they all rise up, en-mass, at hover in frantic flight, cawing as they do so!
Like I said, it is a scene that I know so very well! But not only in reality also within my head where my mind is the field and the crows are the voices that I hear.
Voices which not many people know they are there except my mind of course on which they continually sit, walk, peck and feed quite contentedly.
But for these dark hallucinatory birds of vocal accusations and ridicule to take frantic flight en-mass there needs be no sudden loud noise just arguments, unjust criticism, false accusations, illogical misunderstandings.
It started with an innocent comment made by a fellow blogger, then came an accusation made in email and the ensuing discussions where the truth finally came out, followed by yet another understanding and folk assuming and then accusing me of feeling and reacting totally differently to how I actually was.
But these things happen don’t they? Misunderstandings, incorrect assumptions, insensitive behavior? And in truth, whilst we might do all we can to reduce them, we cannot stop them.
Much like the voices – those sinister black crows which take frantic flight and hover and caw for days to follow – these things will happen.
Courtesy of wall321.com no copyright infringement intended. -
Trust me, if I had a gun and the necessary ammunition, I would shoot each and everyone of the voices, those crows – out of my life, my mind.
And yet we do in some ways have that gun and the necessary ammunition don’t we? We have the truth and rational thinking and whilst this may not completely rid us of our crows (the voices) they can reduce them and come against them. (2 Corinthians 10:5)
Courtesy of tn disckerson diaries over at blogspot, no copyright infringement intended.
Of course we don’t all suffer with schizophrenic voices do we? But we do all to some degree or another have internal dialogues going on don’t we? And we all do, generally speaking, have access to the truth and to rational thinking.
So yes it may have been a difficult few days, days of the crows, but I , for one am getting my ammunition and am going to be looking forward to clearer skies
Yesterday, well early this morning, I wrote a post dealing, in part, with those internal dialogues that so many of us have. The post was called “Encouragements from not a weirdo!” and the title was resultant from those internal dialogues.
But what about those external dialogues? Those messages that we receive from others – especially those closest to us?
I found these images of posts made by folk, over on tumbler.
Sad aren’t they? But what is even sadder perhaps is just how much you and I can relate to them.
The truth is that some relationships are just toxic aren’t they?
And we need to be very careful about them and about the messages that we take in from such relationships.
Of course not all relationships readily appear to be toxic or harmful and indeed some are so very subtle in how they harm us aren’t they?
Sometimes it is as much about how someone treats us as it is about what they actually say to us, or what kind of activities they lead us into rather than anything spoken or readily identifiable.
I think that is why I like this image (featured left) which I found (here) so much as it reminds me that sometimes folk seem to want to “pull our strings” (so to speak) for their own advantage without us even knowing.
But this just adds to the need to be cautious and to review the relationships that we have and the kind of influences those relationships exert on us, doesn’t it?
One way in which we can keep a check on this is to take an audit of all our relationships and to determine if their communications, their effect on us, their influences and attitudes are positive or negative.
Why not give it a go?
Write down all the names ( on separate scraps of paper) of the people you spend time with and then set two pile markers. One marked “positive” and one marked “negative”.
Take each scrap of paper in turn, look at the name on it and then – objectively and honestly considering their; messages to you, communications with you, treatment of you, place them in the appropriate pile.
(If you are just not sure about someone place them to one side and come back and look at them in more detail.)
You may be surprised by the result!
For those you are not sure about get another piece of paper and consider them in more detail.
It can be an interesting exercise to do and when you have got your two piles think about what needs to change in order to bring those relationships on the negative side to the positive side.
And of course this is not just a one way street!
We also need to consider the messages we give them, our communication with them, how we ourselves treat them.
After all, aren’t we all potentially just as fallible as the next person?
As someone who suffers from poor mental health and yes those voices and internal dialogues that I spoke of earlier and in yesterday’s post, I think this is such an important thing.
And as a Christian I have found it equally important!
Even within my relationships in church and with other believers I have needed to be careful and I believe the bible encourages us to be so.
So even with my relationship in church and with other believers I review and audit those relationships. Do they glorify God, encourage me, inspire me, motivate me?
Are the conversations that they invite me to be a part of positive or negative, do they glorify God, spread love and understanding and wisdom? Do they encourage and build or tear down and destroy?
Likewise, the activities that they are encouraging me to be a part of, are they glorifying to God, draw me closer to God or attempt to pull me or take me away from Him?
i truly believe that this is an important consideration not only in respect of our mental health but also our spiritual health and I look forward to your feedback on it!
I have documented my memory problems many times before and certainly it is not something specific only to me. Comments from other mental health bloggers would suggest it is, in various forms and to various degrees, something many of us face.
For me personally several factors seem to play their part in it all – lack of sleep, what meds i take, my Folic Acid levels – and how it presents itself varies also. I can sometimes go into rooms to do something and forget why I was there, or suddenly realize that I am down town and not know why? Likewise I have pictures of myself, my ex-wife and son on my walls and cannot for the life of me remember being there when they were taken – but there I am as large as life in them! Likewise folk sometimes refer to conversations I seemingly have had with them but I don’t remember the conversation and then there is the fact that when reading I will often forget the first four words I have read before getting to the sixth word.
But does that mean I ( or we) we should give up on our memories? Indeed are memories just for us?
Over the past couple of days I have been uploading (to YouTube) some movies that I have made – consisting of some photos and short video clips – of my daughter and I out at different trips and outings around my home of Ireland.
These pictures and videos – and the subsequent movies I have made – were so that my daughter Janey could share them with her friends and with other family members an so that we had a keep sake of our time together. But they also serve as a reminder of the good times don’t they?
(Please note the above is a video and best viewed on You tube and full screen)
Like those pictures on my wall, I may not readily remember the good times had when taking them but I do have hard evidence of the fact that they happened.
There is of course a certain amount of frustration attached to seeing pictures of yourself which you have no recollection of taking or being in, but this I have to say is far less that the alternative of not having either the memory or the pictures.
The memory, or so I am told, is like a muscle or a relationship and takes work and effort if you are going to maintain it. The difficulty of course is that memories – their benefits and advantages – are a huge part of relationships aren’t they?
We often hear of people ‘falling out of love’ with each other and I can personally testify to the fact that mental health and how it can affect us and our relationships, can be a huge part of this and in truth I cannot help wondering if it is because we stop seeing the god parts and indeed stop making memories?
(Please note the above is a video and best viewed on You tube and full screen)
So my advice to anyone who suffers with mental health issues and indeed with memory problems is not only to keep on fighting and keep on seeing the good parts but also, and most importantly, to keep making memories!
Given the time of year and it’s significance to believers the world over I wonder how many of you looked at the title and immediately thought, “Oops Kevin you made a typo in your title in respect of the spelling of ‘Week’.”
Hey, it’s an understandable assumption But the truth is that it is not a typo and I deliberately chose to use the word weak and indeed to write this post at this time because it seems so appropriate and is so on my heart right now.
Holy Week in the Christian’s calendar is the time when perhaps more than any other time we remember Christ’s arrest, trial, torture, crucifixion, burial, resurrection and ultimately His ascension.
But if I may, for the purpose of this post, I would like to invite you to reflect with me on just one aspect of that time – that time after Christ was crucified and before he rose again.
I wonder how the disciples felt at that time? How would you have felt if you had been one of the disciples?
You meet a man who claims to be the Son of God and who changes your life in a radical and unmistakable way. You dedicate your life to Him and He rightly becomes the very center, and in many ways, the very focus of your life.
You spend all of your time with Him, eat with Him, talk with Him, travel with Him. You witness and share in His deep love and compassion for people, see Him speak prophesy, heal the sick, give sight to the blind and mobility to the lame. You witness first hand the miracles and wonders that He performs and you believe with all you heart that “truly He IS the Son of God” and “truly the Kingdom of God is upon us!”
And then suddenly He is taken from you!
This ‘Son of God’, this ‘Promised One’, this ‘Messiah’, this ‘Saviour of the World’ was; betrayed by one of your own, arrested, tortured, placed on trial, and then crucified!
“Will He come down off the cross?”, “Will God smite His enemies and rescue Him?”, “Will the heavens open and God Himself speak?”, “Does this sudden darkness mean God is about to act?” These are all understandable questions aren’t they? Realistic expectations?
But no. None of that happens? Instead He dies and is taken away and buried in a tomb.
He is gone!
As suddenly as He came into your life, He is gone from it.
All that is left is a sealed tomb and an empty cross!
All that you are left with are questions and a deep longing in your heart”
How would you feel? What thoughts and questions would flood through your mind? What would you do?
Go to that tomb? Wait for something to happen? Perhaps return to that now empty cross – standing there simply looking at it with so many thoughts, so many questions, so many emotions flowing through your heart and mind?
What now? What comes next? Surely that can’t be it? Surely it doesn’t end here? Surely something else has to come? Surely there must be more? Surely this newness must continue!
Step forward in time with me, if you will, to more recent years. 1985 and a young 23 year old man. A young man who had believed in God all his life and indeed who could never remember a time when he did not believe in God.
And yet somehow that wasn’t enough and he knew it. Somehow knowing there was a God but not having a relationship with God left a void in his heart, an emptiness, a sense of “there must be more to life.”
Then an evangelical mission came to town one preaching on Christ Jesus.
It would spend two weeks in local school and village halls and then 4 weeks in a 4000 seated Circus tent.
Every night there would be a service with praise and worship, a guest artist, a sermon/bible teaching delivered by the evangelist Eric Delve and then an invitation to respond and invite Christ into your life and to have a living relationship with God through Christ and the indwelling of the Holy Spirit.
I had a lot of time on my hands in those days and so for the first two weeks I was heavily involved as a steward, traveling to all the venues and helping out. Then when it moved into the Circus tent I took on the role of security coordinator.
For four weeks I, along with other volunteers in my team slept, ate, worked and served in that tent and every night we would be part of the ministry and service.
It became my life. The more I heard about this Christ, the more I wanted, needed to know Him and to serve Him. The more involved I was the more involved I wanted and needed to be.
I was letting Him into my heart and giving my life to Him and I knew it, felt it, needed it, lived it.
Finally on the last night of the mission I too responded to the alter call and went forward. I wanted to make that public confession and witness that I too had given my life to the Lord.
And then the mission ended!
The evangelical team, counseling team, worship team, stewarding team, security team – everyone left and returned to their normal lives and to their home churches.
The circus tent came down was packed up and taken away and I returned to my one-roomed apartment and to, well to, to what exactly? What was next?
My life, my heart, my faith had been so full of Christ for those previous six weeks but then the focus of that fullness, the
I remember so clearly going back, a few days later, to the site where the circus tent had been and standing, staring at the huge empty circus of different colored foot-trodden grass where the tent had been.
Just as the disciples could have stood before the site of that empty cross all those years before, there stood I before the empty site of that mission – asking similar questions – searching for similar answers…
“What now? What comes next? Surely that can’t be it? Surely it doesn’t end here? Surely something else has to come? Surely there must be more? Surely this newness must continue!”
In truth I a have spoken about two very real and very specific episodes of doubt and of questioning. Understandable doubt and understandable questioning – one in the life of the disciples and one in my own personal life.
But of course many of us face times of doubt don’t we? Times of question? Times when perhaps the faith that we once had does not seem so real so vital as once it did?
And my personal experience is that for many of us who face challenges and difficulties with our mental health, times of doubt and questions and indeed times when the troubles of life seem to become overwhelming and get in the way of our faith are quiet frequent and normal. But doe that make us weak? Does that mean we are not Holy?
Indeed is there, can there, be such a thing as the Holy Weak?
Well I for one am convinced that there can and are those who are both Holy and who experience times of spiritual weakness.
Mark 9:24 – 24 Immediately the boy’s father exclaimed, “I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!” (NIV)
Romans 8:26 – 26 In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans. (NIV)
Matthew 5:3 – “Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. (NIV)
Yes I am convinced that there are those who do experience times of spiritual weakness for whom Holiness is still a part of their lives or can still be part of their lives. And what is more I am convinced that that Holiness is not taken from up when we face times of weakness but instead is afforded to us in greater measure when we face those times of weakness by calling on the name of the Lord and giving it to God in prayer.
Earlier, in what I now freely admit has become a fairly lengthy post, I shared about the first time when that spiritual weakness was faced by me. Shortly after I came to know Christ in fact. But there have been many other time when I have faced such weaknesses, such times of trouble and trial – such times of doubting and questioning.
And I am sure that there are others for whom that is also true – especially within the mental health community – and sadly often as a result of the way others within the body of Christ have treated us.
But I want to encourage you – you who, like me consider yourself at times to be part of the Holy weak and especially at this time – this Holy week.
“I will not leave you as orphans…” (John 14:18 NIV). These are the words Christ Himself spoke to the disciples when He was telling them of His having to leave and when He was (unbeknown to them) talking about that arrest, torture, trial, crucifixion, burial, resurrection and ascension that we spoke of earlier and which is so prominent in our hearts and minds at this time of year.
No matter how weak we may feel, no matter how un-holy our lives may have become, no matter how hurt or down-trodden we believe ourselves to be, I am convinced that God does not want us to either feel as orphans, live as orphans or be orphans.
Christ promised – in that same conversation with His disciples – the indwelling of the Holy Spirit for His disciples – for the believers. That same promise is, I am convinced and have personally experienced, available to each and every one of us who have made that commitment to Christ.
So the question I ask you is – do you feel orphaned? Are you living as an orphan? Have you let the hurts and troubles of life and any personal spiritual weakness that you have felt rob you of knowing the fullness of God’s love through that relationship with Christ by the power of the Holy Spirit?
Because if you have, I am convinced and certain that this is not what God – our heavenly Father desires for you.
Sometimes in life we come across folk who seem to react instantly and badly to things that happen or that they think have happened. Don’t we?
You know, those who seem to throw their toys out of the pram the minute something goes – or seems to go – wrong.
And the fact is that we have probably all, or at least most of us, done this at some time or other in life.
And in truth it is a behavior which we see in most toddlers.
Won’t they (and we when we were younger), at one point or another have done this – thrown their toys out of the pram?
When it first happens most parents will; bend down pick up the toy, brush it off/clean it, and give it back to the toddler concerned.
Sometimes, of course, the toddler sees this as a being fun. So naturally they throw it out again, and often the parent will repeat the whole returning process.
But of course with human nature being what it is, the more this happens the more rewarding it becomes for the child and equally the more frustrating it becomes for the parent.
So the process reaches a point where the parent cottons on to the fact that it has become a game and so – not wishing to reward the child or encourage it and allow it to become a learned behavior – they simply warn the child (if the child is old enough to understand) or simply refrains from returning the toy to the child.
It is, I think we would all agree, a perfectly natural and common place event in childhood and parenting is it not?
But what happens when it isn’t a child involved? What happens when it is an adult and not toys out of a pram but people out of a relationship? And what happens when the learned behavior is already their and that person – being discarded – is YOU?
I am, I think, many things to many people. Different people see me in different ways and that again is, I think very natural. To some I come across as very approachable and very caring. To others – or so it seems – I come across as detached and uncaring. To some the practical joker and yet others a very serious, deep thinker.
Actually, I can even remember one time when I was standing next to a lady in church – whom I had known casually for some months but never ever really had a cross word with or any long or noteworthy conversation with – when she turned to me and said, “I have to tell you Kevin, you really scare me. I just find you so intimidating.”
I have to admit that I was both stunned and somewhat surprised by the revelation and how it seemed to come out of absolutely nowhere.
I also have to admit that I was very saddened by that revelation. After all, it isn’t as if I am some sort of Ogre
Now don’t get me wrong, I understand that I am a big guy. Actually a very big guy and I accept that my size can make me a little intimidating.
I also understand that the way my mind works I am often deep in thought and do on occasion – either as a result of my schizo-affective disorder or my Aspergers – sometimes respond more deeply (or conversely say simply things) which others would perhaps hold back on.
But none of these are intended to push people away or intimidate. And neither of them demonstrate how deeply I do care about people.
Actually, I personally think that it is something that people often get very wrong about folk who experience mental health struggles and especially those of us who have Aspergers. They somehow think that we just don’t care or do not have emotions on the same level that they do.
The truth is of course, – or at least in my experience the truth is – that they are very wrong and we do care – sometimes more deeply than others may – we just demonstrate it and process it in different ways.
So when something happens and someone gets upset and throw’s YOU out of their pram, closing the door to you and ceasing all communication it can be very hurtful.
Not least of all because it means that you can no longer show them the love that you have to offer and which in a lot of cases they actually need.
It is of course quite natural to say, “Well good luck to you then. If you don’t need me or my love then who cares?” But the fact is that deep down inside, perhaps under the initial hurt, we do still care don’t we?
And to accept anything else, to stop loving that person, to allow our focus to be on any hurt, to allow those hurt to become bitterness and to fester is unhealthy for them, for us and as Christians to our faith.
No, I am convinced that the truth is that when this happens our loving them doesn’t have to stop. The only thing that stops is their ability to see and fully know how much we love them perhaps.
So instead this is when our love, which by now admittedly probably has a greater cost to us as we need to surrender those hurts, needs to take a different form and to be offered solely in prayer.
And whilst it is true that prayer should have formed part of our love for them all along, it is in the surrendering of those hurts – in the heartfelt love and caring for the person who has caused us that hurt by rejecting us – which will also guard our heart against bitterness.
And that in turn allows our doors to remain open for when they have calmed down or seen things differently – perhaps more clearly. And in so doing – to allow for the healing that needs to take place.
Why am I blogging about this now? Well because a couple of days ago this happened to me. A misunderstanding caused someone, someone I have known but a few days and yet already care so very deeply for, to throw me out of their life and to close the door on my love.
Did it hurt? Yes very much so. But as I have said, it is at times like this when our love must take a different form. Why? Because that is what love is and that is what I know God would want for and from us.
Yes I know that this is a mental health blog and not specifically a Christian blog. But it is, at the end of the day, a blog through which I do share about mental health in general and more specifically about my personal mental health and since I am a Christian for me to ignore my Christianity and how it affects my mental health (and vice versa) would be impossible for me.
And the truth is that I had an excellent day yesterday
I managed to get back to Church – always such a blessing – and it is at times like these, when I haven’t been able to attend church for a week or two, that I really do realize just how much attending church means to me.
There is just something special, something beyond the physical, something so spiritual that happens to me when I walk into a church and immediately my spirit leaps at the praise and worships that is going on around me.
To stand in free abandonment and simply let go and let God is just something that I can never tire of and without which I would be so very incomplete. The truth I that I am at “home” when at church and I know and recognize this and it is such a blessing to be able to have a place where – even with my poor mental health – I can feel such peace and such acceptance and such love.
Immediately after church there is the usual gathering for tea, coffee, biscuits (or cookies as some would know them) and plenty of chat, and again this blesses me so very much. In truth I am -despite appearances to the contrary – a very private person and one who is very comfortable with solitude. But even so there is a special quality about joining with others and simply sharing; time, experiences, concerns, prayer needs, hopes and above all else love.
After church we went back to Leigh and Idele’s place (Leigh and Idele are a couple who, along with their children, also attend the church) for a time of convivial fellowship and that sharing continued. I so recognize the blessings of all this and yes I recognize how much these blessings permeate their way through into my mental health also.
But I am also very mindful of those for whom getting to church, meeting up with other believers, is not possible either because their mental health make that so very difficult or because other people’s reactions to their mental health have been so harmful, unhealthy or unhelpful.
Mental health should never, in my opinion, be a reason to exclude someone from God’s family OR to make someone feel excluded from God’s family and I am truly saddened when I hear that this is the case.
I am so very thankful that I have found a church where I am accepted and loved and where my mental health is no seen as a reason not to love but more a reason to find different ways of seeing and loving. My fervent prayer will not only be that others who experience poor emotional, physical or mental health will also find this but that those who have already been so incredibly hurt will find new church families where Christ’s love is present.
Today I feel much better! Mentally, emotionally, and spiritually I feel so much more aware, so much more healthier. Physically I know that being out so long yesterday took a bit of a toll on me but it was so worth it.
Day five in my 30 Day Challenge and something tells me that I should perhaps have looked more clearly at the questions/subjects in this challenge before taking it on.
Today’s question/subject is “Things you want to say to an ex” and the truth is that this can be such a sensitive subject can’t it?
But having committed to do this 30 day challenge and to face each challenge openly and honestly I will see it through…
The message at Church on Sunday included how we communicate with each other especially on the internet and such social media sites as Facebook etc. Watching our words and tone and communicating in love. It really was an excellent message and I have no doubt a very timely one, since God is an on time God.
As humans we have such a strange relationship with love don’t we? How quickly it can turn to anger and even hatred when it fails. Love, or at least the love that the world understands, is passionate and alive and requiring, often needy and demanding and when it breaks or fails how quickly we can allow that passion to corrupt and fester and turn.
I simply don’t want to love according to the terms of the world and would much rather love according to God’s way and will.
Likewise I don’t want to corrupt or ignore or alter or right off all that we shared before simply because we no longer share it. Because to do so would be to live a lie or to take such a wonderful and precious gift and to cheapen or taint it.
And at the same time to take the caring, the compassion, the love, the affection, the admiration and respect that I once held for my ex and somehow try to remove it retrospectively.
Additionally, who of us can honestly say, when a relationship ends that we were without fault and did nothing wrong to harm that relationship?
Such actions, such thoughts come not from a place of love or forgiveness or even truth but from a place of pain and anguish and deception and un-forgiveness. None of which would I want to knowingly welcome in my life.
Please don’t get me wrong here. Trust me, I truly do understand the hurt and pain when you are the one who was dumped and I seek to make no criticism or comment about how others have dealt with this issue, but I can only respond according to my own situation and according to my own heart.
And in my own personal situation I only have two ex’s that I can think of…
One would be my wife with whom I was with and married to for some 18 years or so and whom I dated for 6 years prior to our marriage.
And the other being a girlfriend whom I was probably dating for a year or so.
So that all having been said, what would I want to say to an ex and which ex would I want to say it to?
Well it would, I think, have to be my wife and as for what I would want to say, the answer would be very simple…
Thank you, I am sorry and may God truly bless you.
Thank you…
Thank you for all of the years that we did share together. Thank you for being the helpmeet that I needed and for all the love and support that you showed me during the time we were together. For the prayers, the fun, the laughter, the tears, the support, the encouragement, the tolerance and compassion. For the things you showed me and the things you taught me or that God showed and taught me through you.
Thank you for being the mother you were and still are to our child/children.
I’m sorry…
I am sorry that it ended the way it did and for my part in not working hard enough to keep our relationship alive.
For those times when I took my eye off the ball so to speak and lost sight of what I should have been doing as a husband and father.
And may God truly bless you…
May God truly bless you in your future relationships and happiness and may you always know your place in His heart and in Him.
So there you have it. As I said at the start of this post I really didn’t know this one was coming up as I had only glanced at the questions/subjects but having committed to do the challenge I was determined to see it through.
And as I said in Day 01′s challenge – 5 ways to win my heart, I have no desire for a relationship of this sort now and my heart fully belongs to Christ. But that doesn’t mean that I need to have anger or bitterness either or to ignore or deny the many blessings that my previous relationship brought.:)
Day two of my 30 Day Challenge and I am up bright and early and sat looking at the screen, wondering what way to go with this one and asking the Lord for guidance.
Today’s question/subject (and remember I did not set the questions or subjects) is…
“Something you feel strongly about.”
My difficulty is that actually I do feel strongly about several things and choosing one of them is difficult….
As a Christian I feel very strongly about God and all matters relating to God.
As someone who suffers with mental illness I feel very strongly about mental illness and mental health awareness.
As a parent I feel very strongly about the Children’s Referendum happening here in Ireland today and how desperately wrong it would be if it was voted through. I truly believe that in seeking to give more power to the state it will remove some of the rights of the children to be parented and the rights of parents to parent.
But which one, if any, do I choose for the purpose of this exercise?
How about we talk about Family? Yep ‘Family’ – it is such an important issue isn’t it?
Family
I am a Christian. I make no apologies for it nor for the fact that it does in so many ways shape the way that I see things. When I write, I do so as someone fully aware that my thoughts, my attitudes, my understandings are shaped by my beliefs and that not everyone holds those same beliefs. And I absolutely respect the right of each person to hold their own beliefs just as I hold mine.
All I ask is that regardless of your personal beliefs you bear with me as you read through this.
‘Family’ has been so very central to the way in which we as a race has developed hasn’t it? It is or should be, as children and infants, the very foundation of the security from which we grow and develop.
In all manner of species we see the same thing don’t we? The young instinctively reaching out to, depending upon and finding identity and belonging in their parents. Finding comfort, protection, belonging, guidance in their parents and their kin?
Isn’t this the way that it is meant to be?
Let me share a couple of scriptures with you…
Palm 68:5-6 in the NIV read…
“5 A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows, is God in his holy dwelling. 6 God sets the lonely in families, he leads out the prisoners with singing; but the rebellious live in a sun-scorched land.“
and Romans 8:14-16 in the NIV reads…
“14 For those who are led by the Spirit of God are the children of God. 15 The Spirit you received does not make you slaves, so that you live in fear again; rather, the Spirit you received brought about your adoption to sonship. And by him we cry, “Abba, Father.” 16 The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God’s children.“
A “father to the fatherless“, setting “the lonely in families“, “for those who are led by the Spirit of God are the Children of God“.
Yes, I am convinced that ‘family’ is not only extremely important but it is also God’s design for mankind.
I am convinced, and have been for such a very long time now, that the very structure of ‘family’ is God-designed and God-intended. And I would go even further as I am equally convinced that until we have fully understood the concept of family as God intended it we cannot fully understand God.
But of course we often speak according to our own experiences, and our own passions. And often our passions are based on that which we have personally struggled with the most.
So, in the interest of that honesty, openness and candor (which I determined to make a constant feature of my responses in this challenge), I have to admit that ‘family’ is something I have always struggled with personally.
My biological family, most of them, are still living and I would not wish to inflict any discomfort or harm upon them. Likewise in many ways they were no better nor any worse than most families, although certainly there were aspects of my family life which were extremely unusual and different to most when I was growing up.
What was different to most families however, was the fact that even as a child my mental health was not great. A direct result of which was that I knew that I was different and felt that I did not and could not belong.
Reflect for a moment or two, if you will, on those last words. “I was different and felt that I did not and could not belong.”
I wonder what comes to your mind, comes to your heart when you read those words?
Are you thinking what it must be like for a child to grow up with those feelings, with that understanding, with that perspective on his or herself and on life? Are you remembering what your childhood was like? The things that made you feel so accepted, made you confident that you belonged, or are you remembering how you too felt as if you didn’t fit in, didn’t belong?
Or perhaps your thoughts are more recent, more current than that? Perhaps you, like me, also suffer from poor mental health – after all there is a strong possibility of that since this is essentially a mental health based blog. Perhaps you also know only too well those feelings and thoughts, that internal dialogue, of being ‘different’, of not ‘fitting in’ of not ‘belonging’?
As a human and a humanitarian I am convinced that no child, no person, should have to suffer these feelings, these experiences unless their own willful and deliberate actions have placed them in that situation. And even then we need to be very careful don’t we?
As someone who suffers from poor mental health I know only too well how often these thoughts, these feelings, this internal dialogue, can come not from the evidence of actual reality but from the reality perceived as a result of that poor mental health. But I have to ask, “What then do we do? Accept that person’s perceived reality or try to understand why they have they perception and in turn increase the evidence of the actually reality?”
As a Christian, and one who ha suffered mental illness most if not all of my life, and one who has struggled with these; thoughts, these feelings, this internal dialogue, this perceived if not actual reality, I am convinced that this is NOT what God desires or intended.
It saddens me, truly saddens me, that so many of those whose blogs I read and who take time to comment and share on this blog have similar struggles that I do with acceptance, and belonging and with fitting in and with family.
But what saddens me even more, something which saddens me to my very heart, is how many seem to have lost out on experiencing true love and acceptance and belonging in God’s family.
I consider myself blessed, truly blessed. I have had a lifetime of experiencing such feelings, such thoughts, such internal dialogues, of experiencing a perceived and sadly in some case an actual reality of ‘being different’ of where I ‘did not belong’, of where I ‘did not fit’. But I have also had a lifetime of knowing God’s truth, His will and His desire in this respect and that in all of those I can ‘be different’, do ‘belong’, do ‘fit in’.
I consider myself blessed, truly blessed that I am now in a Christian fellowship where I feel and believe and where my perceived and actual reality is that I can be different and do belong and do fit in and am accepted. And I thank God for that and for them.
But what about you? What about the others? Those who still struggle with this and who have not yet found a family of believers where they too can belong, fit in, where there differences are not seen as an excuse to reject but a more reason to love?
I started this post trying to decide what I should write about when it came to something that I feel strongly about. My faith in God, mental health, or in the way in which if we are not careful in our actions in the current referendum in Ireland we will, in my opinion damage and even remove a child’s freedom to be parented and a parent’s freedom to parent.
Reading back over this post I see that I have actually written about all three. But there is a deeper message in all of this isn’t there? One that does include aspects of all three?
In writing about “Family” I have written about God as our loving heavenly Father and His family – the body of believers. I have written about how my poor mental health and my mental illness – how mental illness and poor mental health in general – can seriously affect our experience and understanding of family and of God and His desire and will for us.
And even more, I have written about how our perceptions, our actions and the perceptions and actions of others can seriously damage and even remove a child’s right to be parented and a parent’s right to parent. Our freedom to be loved of the Father, by and in His family, and His freedom to love us within His family.
Are we all not God’s Children? If we are God’s children, if we have recognized Him as our father do we not have the right to be loved, to be parented of that Father?
If Christ, if God’s Holy Spirit is within us and we reject each other, are we not rejecting the Christ, the Holy Spirit within each other are we not removing our freedom to be loved and parented and His freedom to love and parent us within the family He desires for us?
I end this post on that thought and with one final piece of scripture and a video to watch and listen to as you reflect on that scripture. And I end this post giving thanks not only for the personal struggles I have experienced in this respect but for the truth that has remained with me concerning His will and desire for us and thanks for the family that He has now placed me in.
And I end it on the fervent prayer that no matter what your experiences may have been you too will find and know the perfect love of the Father and a family, His family, to truly experience and know this in…
“31 “When the Son of Man comes in his glory, and all the angels with him, he will sit on his glorious throne. 32 All the nations will be gathered before him, and he will separate the people one from another as a shepherd separates the sheep from the goats. 33 He will put the sheep on his right and the goats on his left.
34 “Then the King will say to those on his right, ‘Come, you who are blessed by my Father; take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world. 35 For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, 36 I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.’
37 “Then the righteous will answer him, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? 38 When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? 39 When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?’
40 “The King will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.’” (Matthew 25:31-40 NIV)
A few days ago I launched the “I’m Worth Loving Too” Challenge and made a commitment to do it myself.
You can read what it’s all about and what led me to launch it here but here are the guidelines…
Get a pen and paper (or pull up a blank word file on your computer) and compile a lit of songs which remind you how loved you are and/or remind you that you are worth loving.
They should be songs that mean something to you and my advice is to aim for about 10-12 songs.
Once you have written your list or lists set about finding and obtaining those songs.
Once you have them all, burn yourself a CD or set up a playlist on your music player, that you can use any time you are feeling down or lacking in self-worth and need some encouragement.
And how about sharing the fact that you have taken up this challenge on your blog and sharing your list with others. You can even share why certain songs mean so much to you. Oh and feel free to link back here so that I can check out your songs too.
So, true to my word here is my list…
1. The Father’s Song – Matt Redman Version.
My faith is so very important to me and in many ways is what identifies me. This song is one that I have sung at church many times and one which wells up in my heart.
I could not have a list of music designed to tell me I am worth loving which in itself did not recognize that it is because of Christ and the love of God the Father that makes me worth loving.
2. Make you feel my love. – Adele version.
This song is one that I dedicated to my kids. As I said above I am above all else God’s child. But second to that I am a Dad and my children – big and small – mean so very much to me and in many ways complete me . This song is my way of showing them how important they are to me and how they will always find hope in my love of and for them.
3. I Can’t Make You Love me. – George Michael version.
This song reminds me that no matter how deserving of love we (or even I) are it doesn’t mean we are going to get that love and we can’t always make someone love us. I also have a particular empathy with the lyric, “turn down the light, turn down the bed, turn down these voices inside my head.”
4. Child of Darkness – Adrian Snell and Phil Thomson
Many years back (1995) the church I attended at that time put on a production of Adrian Snell’s Alpha and Omega. It was an honor to be a part of it and this, whilst not being from our actual performance, it is one of the songs that was performed and reminds me of my place in God.
5. Through The Years – Kenny Rogers Version
This next one may seem odd to some but it is STILL special to me and that is what counts. It was the song that I had played at the end of my speech at my wedding reception and the first song my wife and I danced to together as Husband and Wife. I understand that it might to some seem very strange, given that my wife and I are no longer together, but no longer being together should never allowed to negate or alter the love that was only the love that is.
6. Wishing You Were Somehow Here Again. Michael Crawford Version.
Not all songs are obvious or even chosen because they speak about something that was. Sometimes they are chosen for something that should have been but wasn’t. This one falls into that category but reminds me of who I really was regardless of the evidence.
7. Beautiful Boy – Mr. Holland’s Opus Version
This song was dedicated to me by my Moma and as such is so very special to me. If I am totally honest I am not a great fan of John Lennon but very much appreciated the sentiments of the dedication of this song.
Additionally I once saw the film Mr. Holland’s Opus which is a delightful film and the song appears it that. So here are a) that version from the film and b) the Celine Dion version which I much prefer over the Lennon version.
8. Tristan and Isolde – Prelude.
Music doesn’t have to have lyrics in order to impact the heart and stir the mind. And whilst I know that liking Wagner is seen by many to be so very wrong I can’t help but love Wagner and this particular piece, blaring out of my speakers with a roaring fire going and the lights off on a dark stormy night just does something special to me and makes me feel alive and so very embraced.
9. When Two Worlds Drift Apart – Cliff Richard version.
Here is a song from my past which always meant something to me. Again on the face of it this song is about the end of love, but to me it speaks of not looking for blame and not re-writing the history of its happening simply because of it’s passing.
10. Hello Again. Neil Diamond version.
The Jazz Singer is such a good film and I love the music in it. This song is one of the many songs from it that I truly like.
11. Requiem For A Soldier (Band of Brothers Theme) – Katherine Jenkins.
This song whilst being another strange choice perhaps speaks to me so much of love an how love is truly worth fighting for.
Featured as the theme for ‘Band of Brothers’, this version is by Katherine Jenkins and is beautiful. I am the son of a Sailor and come from a long line of relatives who served in the wars, some of which lost their lives in those wars. Additionally I have lost friends who fought in conflicts that world over. Wars often started as a result of man’s greed and hunger for power.
So this one reminds me of their dedication and love and above all it reminds me that love and peace are so much more precious.
12. Age To Age – Hillsong United Version.
I started this list recognizing God’s place in my life and the incredible impact that He has had on my life and it seems only fitting to end it with the same recognition.
I have made many mistakes in my life, done many things wrong. I have been hurt and I have hurt others. My mental illness and my past tells me I am not worth loving, but His love is bigger than all that. I am not my own and not who I used to be and thanks to His presence in my life I am worth loving.
One of my daughter’s and I are in the throws of a game called “In the Hot Seat”. Now regular readers of this blog might remember the name and indeed the general premise of the game.
Basically one person sits “sits in the hot seat” for 5 minutes and the others get to ask any question of them that they like. The person in the hot seat has to answer honestly and can only decline from answering where by doing so they would a) be breaking a confidence or b) placing his or her self in too compromising or vulnerable a position.
There is, of course, a lot of trust involved in the game but it does serve a very real purpose and can really benefit if that trust is present and people’s feelings respected.
Where there are only two people playing, instead of a time limit per person you simply take turns asking and answering each others’ questions and can set an overall time limit for the game should you so wish.
In respect of my daughter and I, the game started one night during her visit home and had overflowed into our emails since her departure.
This morning’s emailed question for me made me really think and is the basis of this post. That question (Which in this case I am sure he won’t mind me sharing) was…
Where have you felt you most belonged and why?
I have to tell you that this is not, for me, (and I wonder if it is the same for others) an easy question to ask oneself or to answer.
Belonging – it is such a strange thing isn’t it?
Take this picture for example. I mean clearly they are all baby ducks and thus all belong together in some sense but clearly one is so very different from the others.
Hm, I wonder if you can guess which one of the ducklings I relate to and I wonder which one you do?
If I am honest, I mean totally honest – which of course I do try to be especially in this blog, I am not sure I have ever truly felt that I fully belonged anywhere.
Now not belonging (or the feeling of not belonging) – not fitting in, is a symptom of numerous mental illnesses. But let’s be honest here it is also a symptom of numerous social circumstances and can be a byproduct of a number of childhood experiences and not just the obvious ones.
My family would not obviously be classed as dysfunctional and if totally honest I would have to say that any dysfunction that was present would have been focused around me, at least that is how I would see it. Not that I am by any means blind to those thing which were obviously not quite right and for which I had little to no influence or involvement in.
But I think it is interesting that actually my not ‘fitting in’ as a child would be a direct result of my mental health and only added to by other circumstances and not the other way around.
As an teen and indeed as an adult I felt equally alienated. Although very popular, that popularity was resultant from a very deliberate social mask that I would wear. My mental health, although bringing with it many curses also came with many blessings. A mind that worked incredibly quickly was conducive to quick wittedness and humor and so playing the clown was not only relatively easy but also afforded you acceptance and appeal.
Picture courtesy of Christian ClipArt.com
But the problem with masks is of course that even when you are accepted as a result of them you are always aware that your acceptance is conditional on that mask and that it is in fact the mask that is being accepted and not you.
So unless you are a predator, or have a specific personal gain in mind for wearing that mask in the first place and/or are quite happy living a lie, it all seems not only inadequate but oh so very wrong and in my experience ends up being totally wrong and totally counter-productive.
Somehow the very fact that you have to wear that mask feeds into the self-doubt or lack of self-worth that all too often created the very need to wear it in the first place.
And additionally it can seriously add to any depression that is felt about not fitting in in the first place.
Plus being a sheep in wolf’s clothing is so much different to being a wolf in sheep’s clothing and had a very different and often long-lasting effect.
And of course sometimes the masks that we were are placed upon us by other people and we end up having to wear then as the alternative is unthinkable or unappealing.
But belonging whilst so important to us, sometimes is only available to some of us in small doses or for small stolen moments in time it seems.
Even when I was married and had my own family I seldom fully felt a part of them and all too often felt that I was not a part of them.
I still have memories in my head of times when I would come home from work get to my front gate, look down the path and into the front window and see what to many would be a cheerful picture of my wife and son playing together only to have that happiness stolen by the overwhelming conviction that I myself had no part in that picture and that there was no place for me in that picture either.
And trust me that was not as result of my relationship with my wife and son which was at that time excellent nor was it as a result of anything that they did or felt. No this was directly resultant from my mental health and from within.
No this was less about the reality that they knew and felt and more about the reality that I perceived. But of course very often our perceived reality whilst being false or corrupted is still our reality and the only reality that we know.
Can there be two realities? I ask some of you ask? Well check this clip out from one of my favorite shows…
If you ask my children or my family if I belong as part of their lives I do not doubt for a moment that they would say absolutely and I have no reason to question whether they are right. That is, for them, the reality of things. Do I feel, can I mentally grasp that I belong, fully belong? No I just can’t do that and I cannot lie about it. And this difficulty, this flaw or inadequacy in me has far reaching effects.
As a Christian I fully believe that nothing is bigger than God’s love and thus on some levels I accept that even in my inability to mentally accept that I truly belong anywhere I belong in God’s love.
But as a Christian with mental health issues I constantly battle myself in this regard ad as weird as it may seem whilst on one level I can accept that I belong and am acceptable to God it is always done with the contradictory evidence that is wired or mis-wired inside my head.
Have I ever truly believed that I belonged anywhere? No I can’t say that I have. But that does not stop God from loving me and it does not place me outside of God’s love – even if it does often make it so much harder to fully accept at times.
But then that is where faith comes in and faith, as I mentioned in a previous blog, is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.
And here is the question that I think we all, who face this kind of symptom/mindset, or who try to love someone who does, must ask ourselves. Does this inability to accept or feel or realize our belonging negate our actual belonging?
Back to our cute and fluffy ducklings picture.
In this picture we have one little yellow duckling by a small wall and seven (although on first glance it looks like six) little black ducklings on top of a wall.
All of them are ducklings and the only think that separates them is the wall.
Are they different? Yes of course, one is yellow and the others are black, but it is not the colors – the differences that is separating them. It is the wall.
The wall is clearly the obstacle here and trust me as someone with mental health issues I have seen my fair share of obstacles in my time. Will the little duckling ever be exactly the same? Who knows but one thing is for sure they will never be together until the wall that separates them is removed or together they all move beyond that wall.
I have mental health issues and whilst I accept that those mental health issues may make us different I cannot accept that they should ever become a wall or ever be allowed to remain an obstacle or keep us apart.
They were words that my mother no doubt said to me as a young boy and a message that I think most parents impart to their children at some point or another.
I think we would all agree that knives and children just don’t make for a good combination. So I wonder how you will respond to this little video…
Don’t worry no knife was hurt in the making of this film and thankfully neither was any child.
So how did watching that old video make you feel? Did the ‘near miss’ make your heart leap like mine did? Of course the film is very old (1950′s) and ‘things was different back then’.
But I can’t help wondering how many Health and Safety executives, or Child Protection agencies and workers, would be near to exploding if they saw such a thing today?
It just seems so wrong doesn’t it? So counter-intuitive. Throwing knives around when there are small children about. Let alone actually throwing knives at them – well virtually at them. Here’s a reasonable statement for you…
Knives can hurt! They can cut! They can pierce! They can stick! And they can scar!
Rational, caring, responsible people don’t go throwing potentially harmful words at small children, loved ones or other people or even around when they are in the vicinity.
We are more caring than that aren’t we?
Well what if we take ‘knives’ out of that statement and put ‘words’ in there in its place instead?
Words can hurt! They can cut! They can pierce! They can stick! And they can scar!
Rational, caring, responsible people don’t go throwing potentially harmful words at small children, loved ones or other people or even around when they are in the vicinity.
Oops! We appear to have a problem here, don’t we?
Whilst the first part of our new statement remains true, the second part – the part that speaks about how we behave – no longer rings so true, does it?
Sadly the truth is that sometimes we do go “throwing potentially harmful words at small children, loved ones or other people or even around when they are in the vicinity.“
Knives can hurt! If we jab or stab or slice or cut ourselves and can’t harmful words do the very same thing? Isn’t it true that often the damage they do is much deeper, often less easily seen and all too often much longer lasting?
Knives can cut! They can cut our skin but harmful words can cut even deeper can’t they?
Knives can pierce! They can pierce our skin and flesh and muscle and they can do untold damage but can’t harmful words do even more untold damage? Damage which often goes unseen? Isn’t it true that harmful words can pierce even our very heart?
Knives can stick! Didn’t we see that in that old video? But isn’t it true that harmful words can often stick deeper and longer?
Knives can scar! As a self-harmer trust me I know this is so very true. But don’t harmful words often scar, doing so much deeper and for much longer?
Ask any medical practitioner – nurse, doctor, etc – which they would generally rather treat, external bleeding or internal bleeding and I am pretty sure they would say external bleeding because it is easier to treat and often results from less serious damage tha internal bleeding does.
And the truth that lays behind that answer in respect of physical wounds is just as true of emotional, and psychological wounds.
So we have to I think ask ourselves, if we are deliberately responsible when it comes to knives, why are we so much less responsible when it comes to words?
This blog is about mental illness and I make no secret of my mental illness and the ways in which it affects or impacts me. I try my best to be as open as I can in the hope that it will not only benefit me but also help others who suffer from similar mental illness.
Being so open about my mental illness opens me up to all sorts of reactions and responses and trust me some of them are good and some are pretty bad. But I do so because I believe in the benefit of being open about it and because my faith and beliefs as a Christian prohibit me from living a lie. (Something which sadly I did for far too long in respect of my mental health.)
But being a Christian does not remove me from the same kind of attacks or unhealthy or unhelpful responses and reactions that many folk with poor mental health or who suffer with mental illness are subjected to.
One of the ways in which my mental health effects me, which is very relevant to this piece is that confrontations, disagreements, unhelpful or unhealthy comments seem to affect me more than most.
For some reason the voices in my head latch on to them, cling to them, focus on them. They, and my internal dialogue, repeatedly throw them back at me for days after the actual original statement was made by someone, or for days after the original confrontation or disagreement.
Monday evening I went to Bible study with a group of fellow Christians at the church I attend. During that evening I had a civilized and non-abusive disagreement with one of the other people there. Additionally one or two statements where made which truly unsettled me. And here we are on Wednesday afternoon and my mind has not been able to let this go.
I need to point out and make it very clear that no-one said anything rude or deliberately disrespectful and that I am convinced that no harm was deliberately intended. And yet harm was without doubt done to and possibly by me.
This is a group of loving, respectful and well-intentioned Christian brothers and sisters and still hurt happened. And that is the point isn’t it? That even in the most well intentioned and loving group and circumstances these things – being hurt by harmful words and hurting others by harmful or careless words – are still possible.
My faith has already enabled me to forgive that which was said and the harm that was done. My mind and my mental illness may be much slower at letting go of these things and no doubt will continue to use them against me.
All I can do in that regard is stand on 2 Corinthians 10:5..
5 We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ. (NIV)
But I do also recognize my own weaknesses and failings in all of this and I do unreservedly apologize for any time when my words have been careless and harmful and have caused hurt to others.
And I do also want to encourage us all to be careful with our words and to remember that they all too often can be just as, if not more, dangerous as the sharpest knife.
I came across this song the other day and it really spoke to me. To be honest it isn’t the kind of song that I would normally listen to. As a music lover I have a very wide and eclectic taste in music but as a Christian I have great passion for good Christian music and so tend to listen to that more than anything else.
When you have a faith but are isolated a lot of the time, Christian music can become more of a life-line for your faith than a mere distraction or entertainment.
But as I said I came across this song by Bonnie Raitt and it really spoke to me.
Why? Well why does any song speak to you? Because the lyrics speak of something so very close and so very personal to me.
Mental Illness and poor mental health can have such a varied impact on our live and also on our relationships can’t they? I certainly know that mine has. SO I thought I would share this song with you. Hey it isn’t that often that I share songs – although I do like to do so every now and again.
And I think instead of explaining in detail just why it speaks to me, I will copy and paste the lyrics after the song and let the words simply speak for themselves.
But I hope that you enjoy the song, and if it speaks to you, perhaps you will let me know and share a little of that.
I Can’t Make You Love Me.
Songwriters: REID, MICHAEL / SHAMBLIN, ALLEN
Performing Artist: Bonnie Raitt.
Turn down the lights, turn down the bed
Turn down these voices inside my head
Lay down with me, tell me no lies
Just hold me close, don’t patronize – don’t patronize me
Cause I can’t make you love me if you don’t
You can’t make your heart feel something it won’t
Here in the dark, in these final hours
I will lay down my heart and I’ll feel the power
But you won’t, no you won’t
‘Cause I can’t make you love me, if you don’t
I’ll close my eyes, then I won’t see
The love you don’t feel when you’re holding me
Morning will come and I’ll do what’s right
Just give me till then to give up this fight
And I will give up this fight
Cause I can’t make you love me if you don’t
You can’t make your heart feel something it won’t
Here in the dark, in these lonely hours
I will lay down my heart and I’ll feel the power
But you won’t, no you won’t
‘Cause I can’t make you love me, if you don’t.
Growing up as a boy, which appeared to be a totally acceptable way to grow up since I was a boy, I of course had a media diet of action-packed, sports packed and crime-packed shows.
Of course in those days, things were more clearly defined. Goodies were good and wore white or carried badges, and baddies were bad and wore black and carried bags with ‘swag’ written on them. (Ok perhaps not the bag of swag part so much but you get the idea.)
Ah yes things were more clearly defined in those days. Good was good, bad was bad and there were far less grey areas in life.
Even in the crime shows the cops were good and robbers were bad and you seldom saw a cop being bad or even being considered bad.
Likewise when one of them messed up, crashed into a passing car during car chase, or reversed into something it wasn’t because the cop made a mistake it was because there was a ‘blind spot’.
And the same went for the Lone Ranger and Tonto, or for ‘Rocketman’ or ‘Superman’ or ‘Mighty Mouse’ or all the other heroes fed to me in my childhood. Whenever a baddie got the better of one of them it was usually ‘from behind’ or as a result of ‘a blind spot’ in their line of sight.
No way could it have been as a result of a mistake or some imperfection in our ‘heroes’.
Of course in real life no one is perfect and we all mess up from time to time don’t we? And likewise ‘blind spots’ are an everyday fact of life aren’t they? How many times have you been maneuvering your car or trying to parallel park or reverse into a space and been aware of a ‘blind spot’?
But then some ‘blind spots’ can be less obvious and far more serious can’t they?
What about the ‘blind spots’ we may have about our mental health? The things that others see but we just can’t seem to grasp or see for ourselves or even accept or see when they are pointed out?
I think there is a huge difference between being ‘in denial’ over something and ‘having a blind spot’ in respect of something, although I cannot help wondering if indeed an initial denial can lead to something becoming a ‘blind spot’? I am also wondering if repeatedly suppressing and emotion or thought can lead to such ‘blind spots’?
And I am seriously questioning whether my ‘isolation’ and my relative ease at being alone and isolated isn’t all part of this?
You see honesty, integrity, and respect are such important things to me and I really do try to be mindful of them in my everyday dealings with folk. (Yes I know sometimes I fail miserably in this, but I do try.) And so they must also be important in my dealings with myself.
I have often written about the isolation that I experience and indeed the fact that I just don’t experience loneliness other than perhaps once a year when my daughter has visited and then only for a short while after she has gone.
Emotionally it doesn’t seem to affect me at all. Mentally it doesn’t seem to bother me (although I am open to the suggestion that it might be having a subtle longer term effect) Physically it really doesn’t bother me – I am not very sexually minded/motivated and am physically so large and obese that on the rare occasions in which I do get a hug they often either confuse me or put me in mind of a leprechaun trying to death grip an elephant. Spiritually my isolation concerns me only to the extent that I wonder if it is really God’s will for me. And intellectually I ponder over the effect it is having on me.
I am neither agoraphobic, nor socially awkward, nor do I have any diagnosed or instantly obvious social anxiety disorder and actually usually have fun on the rare occasions when I do go out. But in terms of my isolation I have to tell you that I can sometimes go weeks without physically speaking to a single soul and on a normal 168 hour week would probably be in face to face contact with other people for a total of perhaps 6 hours.
Its a staggering statistic isn’t it? Of a normal 168 hour week I am probably physically alone for about 162 hours of it. And yet it only bothers me either intellectually or spiritually to the extent that I wonder if I am not seeing something here.
When looking for a picture which best represented my isolation I found this oil on board painting by Karen Thompson over on the Paintings I Love site.
And I have to say that I love the painting and think it to be excellently done and extremely expressive. BUT as much as I love it I love it for it’s artistic merit it doesn’t reflect my isolation.
Actually I really don’t think I will find the picture I want and don’t really have time to draw one at the moment so I will give up looking. But I did want to open this whole thing up on my blog and to invite your comments on my isolation ad whether you think this is a possible ‘blind spot’ or not.
As I said my isolation only bothers me to the extent that it really doesn’t bother me but wonder if it should and thus might be a ‘blind spot’.
And I want to invite you also to comment on any possible ‘blind spots’ that you may feel you have in your life as a result of your mental health.?
Many of you will know how blessed I have been lately to have had the opportunity to get out of the house for a change and to go visiting different places within Ireland – the country I now call home and which I love so dearly.
That is not to say I don’t still love my native and original country England because of course I still do. As the numerous evenings recently spent viewing the 2012 Olympics and cheering on sportsmen and women from both of my home countries – Great Britain and Ireland will no doubt prove.
But that is the funny thing about ‘home’ isn’t it. It is, as they (or I think more accurately Gaius Plinius Secundus did) say ‘where the heart is.’ And home is something which I have been giving a lot of thought to of late.
For me to claim to be ‘a simple man with simple needs’ would perhaps be a little inaccurate if I am being truly honest and truly objective and in some was I am ‘a complicated man but with simple needs’. I accept that and I accept that two of those needs are ‘home’ and ‘family’.
And yet am I so different in this? Are these not two things which we all in some way or another yearn for – either in reality of experience or in expectation of what they should be?
They (home and family) are also, it could I think be argued, two things which we can sometimes take for granted.
I am blessed to have a wonderful home here in Ireland and not one but two, even three, wonderful families. My biological family back in England, my adopted family spread across the world but mainly in the UK, America and Canada and my third family, the family of bloggers for whom I have such passion and love.
But what if life presented me with the need to pull away from and leave behind the home and family that I loved so much?
Let me show you a picture…
Pretty isn’t it? The other afternoon Tony and I went out for a little drive in search of a fairly local castle. I had heard of it’s existance but never seen it. On our drive we passed a clearing in the roadside hedgerows through which I spotted this little stretch of the River Derry (above).
It was right next to this pretty little bridge (above) and anyone who knows me well will know that I love rivers and bridges and so we stopped so that I could take these photographs.
I also noticed this little engraved stone (below) and the heading on it interested me greatly.
‘Gate of Tears’ the inscription read and as I said this really interested me as we drove past it so Tony very kindly agreed to reverse up so that I could take a closer look and possibly photograph it.
What I read was truly touching and extremely beautiful…
The years are 1845-1847 and terrible destruction had hit Ireland due to a great famine as a result of the potato blight. So much devastation was brought to this beautiful country that many were forced to leave the homes and family behind and emigrate to England and especially America in order to find hope of surviving.
This stone marked the spot where many of those “emigrants from Clenegal Parish had their last view of their native valley and the Wicklow Hills, here too they made their final goodbye to their relatives.“
There is a chilling beauty in those words isn’t there? As I said, they really touched me and I suspect they will touch you too.
As I said before, I am blessed. In truth I have never experienced such a famine and in truth I probably never will, despite how the world’s economy seems to be going.
And as I said before I have a wonderful home and two, even three wonderful families. But has that always been the case?
I may not have experienced famine but I have certainly experienced homelessness and I have certainly, in the past, left my family behind.
Mental illness can do that to someone. It can cause you to do things other folk might never consider, to see things or perceive things in a way others seldom seem able to understand. And it can seem to remove or place out of reach those things which we so desperately need to survive – assurance, acceptance, belonging, security, love.
Yes, many years ago when I was a young man all of those things seemed so very far out of reach for me and I left my home and family behind and went to live rough on the streets of England.
Don’t get me wrong, I am not saying they were not there, nor that they were actually out of reach, but thanks to my mental illness that is how they seemed and when something appears so obviously out of reach how likely are you to reach for it?
In truth I am older now, and much more experienced, and hopefully a little wiser. But even now I struggle to feel that assurance, that acceptance, that belonging, that security, that love which I spoke of. I know of course that it is there and the rational part of me, the calm, clarity based, clear thinking and logical part of my mind tells me all those things are there.
But as much as they do, my mental illness and if I am honest sometimes the poor behaviour and judgment and comments and actions of others (and especially those they do and try to excuse through my mental illness) so regularly tell and show me differently.
As I said, I am older now, and much more experienced, and hopefully a little wiser. And as I said before I have a wonderful home and two, even three wonderful families in my biological family back in th UK, my adopted family in the UK, USA and Canada and my blogging family stretched th world over.
When I read that stone my heart went out to those emigrants who left in search of hope and to their family members that they had to leave behind. As I write these words, my heart goes out to all of you and I hope and pray that you know how very special you each are and how important and essential family truly is.
As I said, I have never experienced famine but I do, as a result of my mental health, know what losing family is like. No matter how hard it may seem, no matter how difficult the struggles, I hope and pray that not one of will let mental illness (or a poor response to it) be the reason to lose family members, or each other.
It is my fervent hope and prayer that our mental health will never be allowed to become our ‘Gate of Tears’.
I wonder what your body-image is like or indeed to opinion of nudity it? Are the two related perhaps?
As an artist I have developed an appreciation for many forms of art and have over the years tried my hand at a few different forms too.
Art communicates in way that words sometimes cannot and as a writer I have no reservation in admitting that. Often, actually very often, a piece of art will inspire more questions than it provides answers for. Likewise what I see in a piece of art you might not see and vise versa.
Take for example this piece of art which is actually a bronze sculpture of a nude which is commercially available from AllSculptures.com and which I would seriously like to own one day.
What do you see in this sculpture?
A man embracing himself? Someone in need of physical warmth? Physical contact?
Perhaps a man who is so overcome with the realization that he is indeed loved that his only response was to portray that love in a communication of self-acceptance, self-embrace?
Or perhaps you see something different?
A man who is ashamed of his nakedness? Lowered to his knees, covering his own shame in front of his God or perhaps his peers or maybe even his captors?
What emotions, feelings do you see portrayed? Warmth? Compassion? Love? Humility? Vulnerability? Shame? Pain? Slavery?
It is interesting isn’t it? How we all see things slightly differently (or even greatly differently) from each other.
Perhaps the nudity of the sculpture embarrasses you a little. It would embarrass some folk I know. And I for one make no judgement of that. Who knows that nudity might be the very thing you feel most appealing about it.
Personally is doesn’t worry me in the least bit. I have long since been convinced that we have nudity all wrong when it comes to our understanding and approach to it.
Don’t get me wrong. I am all for being conservative in these things and would by no means consider myself a naturist or a hedonist or someone who would advocate us all walking around publically naked. But nor do I believe that we should be ashamed of our own bodies or indeed our own nudity when in private.
And I do so very firmly believe that society sends out and teaches the wrong messages about nudity and that we have in many ways long since lost the ability to appreciate the naked body without assigning some sexual context to it.
So consider these questions if you will…
Look at that picture again for me but this time imagine the man dressed in some way. You can choose the attire he is dressed in.
How is he dressed in the image in your mind? (Feel free to participate and comment below)
Would it be as appealing to you as a sculpture or perhaps more appealing? (Again please feel free to participate and answer or comment on any of these questions or points by commenting below)
How does the message, the meaning, the feel of the piece change now that he is in some way dressed?
Has it lost some of it’s beauty, it’s rawness, it’s intimacy? Has it gained or lost some of it’s innocence?
What if we were to keep the nudity of the figure and indeed keep the same position or pose of our figure, our sculpture, but this time change the model.
What if instead of that well defined, athletic and muscular form we changed it to something closer to home? What if we made it of me or of you?
If I were to be immortalized in a nude sculpture of that same pose what would I see? What would you see? What would others see?
Indeed if you were to be immortalized in a nude sculpture of that same pose what would you see? What would I see? What would other’s see?
Would they still see that Warmth? Compassion? Love? Humility? Vulnerability? Or would they see that Shame? That pain? That Slavery?
As someone who battles with self-harming I am very much aware of the scars that my skin still holds. Would the sculptor somehow include those? Would they be noticeable and if so how noticeable would they indeed be? Likewise how would they change the feel, the meaning, the message of the piece?
Hopefully you don’t have those same battles with self-harming as I do nor the all too familiar signs of it. But here is a really interesting thought for you to ponder if you have a mind to…
Not all of our scars are physical, some are indeed internal – psychological, emotional. Some are real or even perceived by us as a result of our having poor mental health but yet not even seen by others.
If you were immortalized naked in that same pose – would others be able to see in that sculpture your – bipolar disorder, your OCD, your depression, your schizophrenia, your aspergers, your… (The list goes on and only you truly know the ones that apply to you.)
Perhaps rationally, logically you would answer, “No of course not.” But take out the rational, logical part of your response for mental illness often places us in non-rational, non-logical mindsets.
And is it not true that mental illness sometimes induces a sense of nakedness and of vulnerability? Certainly, for me personally, when I have an episode and others witness it I often feel naked and vulnerable and all too often ugly, broken and ashamed afterwards.
Actually these times are the times when the my deepest compulsion is to hide and yet ironically when I haven’t hidden and someone has reached out to me this is the time when I feel the deepest sense of love.
As I said, I don’t view physical nudity the way a lot of people (and certainly a lot of other Christians) seem to.
Perhaps it is because I am not very sexually minded or perhaps because I have seen so much suffering at the hands of corrupted and mis-taught body-image messages.
Or perhaps it is because I know that the body is but a shell and that body-image is but one part of self-image.
Perhaps also it is because true beauty is not skin deep, nor is it seated in sexual desire, pleasure. or gratification. Nor is it found purely in; chaos, nor order, nor in perfection.
True beauty is, in my opinion, found in love. Love given and love received – loved shared.
Shared despite the chaos, despite the order, and despite the imperfections.
Look at our sculpture one last time if you will. But this time let love direct your sight.
Notice if you will the head he lowers perhaps not daring to look up, to fully connect or perhaps in an act of submission or of worship?
This time notice how he covers himself, his manhood, his vulnerability and yet notice also if you will, the nobility of his form. The way his left hand, participating in the covering of himself, does not yet grip his right ankle as perhaps some would when in a similar but defensive pose.
Notice also the positioning of his right fingers not held flat against – but gently upon – his left shoulder almost seeking to caress to complete the embrace.
Is he experiencing and this expressing that warmth, that compassion, that love, that humility, which we spoke of earlier? Or is he experiencing and expressing that vulnerability, that slavery, that shame, which we also spoke of?
You decide. But in your decision, consider your place in this interaction and consider the needs expressed the invitation given and then ask yourself this – “how many of us have bared ourselves and crouched before each other in literary or virtual nakedness – deeply in need of that hug, that acceptance, that embrace?
I for one know I have and I for one know I will again…
Firstly and before anything else I would like to say how very touched and grateful I am by all of the comments of support and reblogging that has been offered in response to this campaign. I can’t begin to express you how grateful I am for this and how much it means to me.
As a result of such response I have been reflecting on the campaign and really feel that this is something that the Mental Health Writers Guild should be hosting as opposed to it being something which comes from this my personal blog.
Because of this I have today created a page on the MEntal Health Writers Guild blog and I hope therefore that in this way we can generate more support and touch more lives.
You can find that page here and I have also created an honour roll on that page for those who support this campaign as I feel that support needs to be acknowledged.
Again, many, many thanks to everyone who has gotten behind this campaign! You are just awesome.
I have to tell you, right from the outset, that within this post I have every intention of…
Making an announcement!
Sharing part of my own experiences with you.
Quoting an inspiring statement.
Publishing a list for you to look at.
Asking you to consider your own experiences.
Challenge my own understanding and approach
Encouraging you to challenge your understanding and approach.
Inviting you to join me in taking back something that has no doubt been stolen from us.
1) That announcement…
I am so very sorry to have to be the one to bring such shocking news to every one’s attention (and you may want to sit down for this one) but the truth is….
I am never ever going to fully grow up and I really don’t care what people think of me as a result of it!
There I have said it! There are, in my defense however, extenuating circumstances…
Firstly, I just don’t want to!
Secondly, I don’t think that any of us ever really should!
and,
Thirdly, there are just too many things out there that are just too darned funny not to laugh at them the way your average olden days naughty school kid would laugh at them.
But do you want to know the main reason why I am never ever going to fully grow up?
2) Part of my own experiences…
It’s because I have suffered from mental illness most of my life and one of the most horrific and yet often oh so subtle things that mental illness does is to try to rob you of all the wonderful things that should be associated with childhood.
It is something which I have always been very mindful of.
Even as a young child I prefered the company of adults rather than the company of my peer group. Why? Because that is what I wanted? No. It was because in the company of adults I was less likely to be found out as being ‘different’ because as a child in the company of adults I was automatically different, meant to be different, readily accepted as different.
As I said it is something that I have always been mindful of but I was in fact today reminded of it earlier when reading a blog written by another blogger whom I had awarded the Liebbster Award to.
3) An inspiring statement…
In his acceptance and response to that award and as one of his ’11 random facts’ he wrote the following words (which are copied and published here with the author’s full knowledge and very kind consent)…
I believe that there is no reason at all for us to ever “grow up” completely, and that those who put aside every aspect of their childhood are doomed to spend adult life wondering why they feel unfulfilled. I still jump in puddles, kick piles of leaves about, lie on my back and look for shapes in the clouds. I still read comic books alongside books on physics and mathematics. I still pull silly faces and make infantile noises when the mood is right. Part of me will never grow up, and I love that.
Oh how I so relate to and agree with that sentiment!
[For the record the blog in question is called 'Shitegeist' and I recommend it to you as well worth a visit and taking time to read!]
4) That List…
I am going to publish a list which is published on a website called ‘Whole Child Leon‘ and which is published as ‘Qualities to teach and nurture in a child”.
Affection
Awareness
Awe
Beauty
Caring
Celebration
Comfort
Commitment
Compassion
Confidence
Connections
Consequences
Conservation
Cooperation
Courage
Creativity
Curiosity
Cycles
Delight
Empathy
Empowerment
Fairness
Family
Friendship
Generosity
Gentleness
Goodness
Gratitude
Helpfulness
Home
Hope
Humor
Imagination
Independence
Joy
Kindness
Love
Nurture
Openness
Order
Patience
Peace
Positive
Quiet
Relationship
Respect
Responsibility
Reverence
Serenity
Sharing
Trust
Wholeness
Wonder
Worship
5) Asking you to consider your own experiences…
What I would very much like for you to do is to just scan down the above list and see how many of the ‘qualities’ listed therein you personally feel your mental illness has an impact on or even seems to try to remove from your life.
[I understand completely that some of the 'qualities' on that list seem to have a spiritual or even a Christian value or element to them. Well, that is understandable since Whole Child recognizes the existence and need for the inclusion of a spiritual aspect within their philosophy and since I myself am a Christian and very much believe that there is a spiritual aspect to all things.]
But the fact is that no matter what you personal belief system is I am fairly sure that if you are reading this and do indeed suffer with mental illness or poor mental health you will be able to agree that in your experience a great number of those ‘qualities’ are or have been affected, impacted and even sadly removed as a result of that mental illness or poor mental health.
And that for me is one of the saddest parts of it all.
6) Challenging my own understanding and approach…
I don’t mind telling you that I am now 50 years old! I am in fact a dad and a granddad as I have a biological son and numerous adopted children and grandchildren.
When I am needed to be dad I am a dad (or do my best to be dad).
When I am needed to be granddad I am granddad (or do my best to be granddad).
And the truth is that in either role I am me. BUT the truth is also that the me who is that Dad and that Granddad is also a son, and also child of God.
As a son I was raised with certain understandings and experiences and being taught certain things some of which are on that list above.
Actually an interesting consideration is however that even though many of the things on that above list were introduced to me, taught to me, encouraged in me some were specifically encouraged in me as a giver rather than a receiver of them since I was a ‘boy’/'young man’.
Coming to Christ taught me that actually it was totally acceptable for me to still be a child and a man at the same time and to receive and benefit from those things rather than just to have to give them.
And I thank God that I have recognized that and that sometimes I even have the mental and physical freedom to be those things.
Yes I am a 50 year old man and a dad and a granddad and yes I know that I have to do my best to be strong but what is wrong with someone even as big and old as me still recognizing that they are a child and worthy of love and affection and of freedom and fun.
Who says that I must always be the strong one?
Who says I must be provider of hugs, and comfort, and assurance and not the recipient of them, and that the only acceptable way to receive those things for me as a ‘man’ is “seldom” and “only in the arms of a partner/lover?”
How much am I missing by not allowing myself to be openly vulnerable, openly loved and openly treated as a son?
7) Encouraging you to challenge your understanding and approach…
I can’t help wondering how many others have difficulties with some of the things on that list, or indeed felt they too were only allowed to experience them in certain ways? I would also like to know how many others feel they too have to be the strong one, the provider, despite their mental health issues/challenges?
8) Inviting you to join me in taking back something that has no doubt been stolen from us…
Well here’s the deal, at least for me and I hope others. I am convinced that not only do I have total right to be a son/child when I need to be a son/child but actual to be that son/child is hindering to my healing.
I am going to stay young or at very least retain the freedom to be young as an when I need to and I am going to be vulnerable when I need to and to find strength and love in and through that vulnerability.
And I hope and pray others with understand where I am coming from and join me in this.
The UK’s National Health Service Website ‘NHS Choices‘ published an interesting article today which I thought I would share with you and which I hope might spark a lively debate.
The headline of said article asks the question, “Does smacking kids make them mentally ill?” and the article itself was generated by a prior article appearing in one the of the UK’s national tabloid newspapers (The Daily Mail) which “boldly reports” (NHS Choices words not mine) that…
Adults smacked as children have higher risk of mental illness later on,1
NHS Choices go on to say…
The news is based on a study that investigated whether there was a link between children who were physically punished (for example, spanked) but not abused, and the development of a mental disorder such as depression or alcohol and drug abuse as an adult.1
This study was based on the results of a nationally representative US survey of 34,653 adults. It found that harsh physical punishment (which stopped short of child abuse) was associated with mood and anxiety disorders, substance abuse and personality disorders.1
It further went on to state…
Although this is an interesting study, it provides no evidence of a causal link between physical punishment and development of a mental disorder later in life.1
Stating that…
This study also relies upon self-reported information, with adults asked to recall being punished as a child.1
And pointed out that…
Both of these facts limit our ability to conclude that smacking causes mental illness. As such, the headline in the Mail is misleading because it does not take into account the limitations of this study.1
So I thought I would share that with you and ask you what your take/opinion on it all is? BUT please do not even consider answering if this is a very delicate or difficult subject for you.
Questions running through my mind and which I would very much be interested in your feedback are…
Were you spanked at home as a child and if so until what age and by whom?
Do you think it was done lovingly and appropriately?
If you were disciplined in a different way at home then how? Until what age and by whom?
Do you think that was loving and appropriate?
Were you spanked/given corporal punishment at school and if so until what age and by whom?
Do you think it was done appropriately?
If your were spanked as a child (either at home or at school) do you think that is partly responsible for your mental health?
If you were disciplined in another way as a child do you think that way is partly responsible for your mental health?
Society’s attitudes towards spanking and corporal punishment has without doubt changed of late. Consequently it is possible that spanking and corporal punishment which was experienced as a child and at that time considered perfectly normal and acceptable could later be seen as being abusive. Is it in your opinion possible therefore that someone’s understanding or perspective of how they were disciplined be shaped or even corrupted by the change in society’s attitude towards spanking and corporal punishment?
“I know you still have it.“ Claire announced quite unexpectedly.
“So, what if I have?” Sharon replied defensively. Not absolutely certain what Jane was referring but fairly sure she knew what it was.
“It isn’t good for you, you know that don’t you?“ Claire continued, concerned for her friend.
“You just don’t understand.“ Sharon replied angrily.
“Maybe not,” Claire agreed, “but I would like to.“
“Why?“ Sharon asked defensively. “So you can convince me to get rid of it?“
“But I care for you.“ The compassion and love in Claire’s tone were obvious, as was her intent. “And I don’t like to see you hurting yourself.“
“I am not hurting myself.“ Sharon countered, “and I never asked for this! It was forced on me!“ Her words trailed off as her thoughts took over for a moment. “And anyway perhaps I deserved it.” Her thoughts found voice.
“Really? Did you really deserve it? Still deserve it? Still have to continue paying for it?“ Claire asked, reaching out and grabbing her friend’s hands and looking her in the eyes.
“I had no choice.“ Sharon told her, pulling her hands away and turning her head so as to break her friend’s stare.
“No, maybe you didn’t.“ Claire agreed but with pan. “But you do now.“ She added deliberately.
“What am I supposed to do?“ Sharon challenged. “Just give it up, forget it was ever forced on me? Ignore all that is has cost me?“
“So what?“ Claire continued to challenge. “You are just going to go on holding on to it?“ She searched her friend’s thoughts. “Simply holding on to it? Being hurt by it and continually paying for it? Day after day, week after week, nightmare after nightmare?“
“What choice do I have?“ Sharon asked, as the tears formed in her eyes. “If I let go of it all I will have waisted everything I have paid so far.“
“But if you keep holding on to it you will keep on paying and you know it. Is it really worth it?“ Sharon asked challengingly.
“But what if I really did deserve it and what about everything I have already paid? What about how much it has already cost me?” Karen asked. “Do I just write that all off? Forget about it all? As if it was all for nothing? Forget I ever paid for it? That I ever owned it?“
“Oh Honey,“ Claire gasped as she grabbed her friend’s hands and with tears in her own eyes looked deep into the eyes of the friend she loved so much. The friend she knew was still hurting so very badly.
“Can’t you see? You have never owned it, it has always owned you and will continue to do so until you let it go.“
-oOo-
It’s a simple little story really isn’t it? Short, interesting, true to life. Something which a lot of us can relate to.
The fact is that it is not so simple a little story after all. It is in fact a conversation about a life of complex, deep-rooted, harmful pain. The results of years of poor communication, bad messages, harmful words and resultant corrupted and unhealthy self-image.
And the most tragic part of it all is that too many of us can relate to it because too many of us have lived it, are still living it.
We bought into the lies and the ridicule, the accusations and the negative criticisms, the rejection or misuse or abuse. And we bought into it with such a high price and one which we keep on paying “day after day, week after week, nightmare after nightmare“.
Repeatedly convincing ourselves that perhaps we “deserved it“.
Doing so because: when external voices are repeated often enough or by enough people they become our own internal voices.
Doing so because: we have to convince ourselves repeatedly as a result of the fact that somewhere deep down inside we doubt it’s validity and thus keep on arguing with ourselves.
Doing so because: to question whether we did really deserve it might put us in a position where we would have to question or be critical of those we love and trust despite the fact that they were the loudest of those external voices.
Doing so because: “if we really didn’t deserve it, if we are really not that person, then who am we?”
Doing so because: “we have paid so much for it already.”
Doing so because: “We haven’t yet realized that we don’t own it. It owns us!“
I have entitled this post ‘Depression and It’s Effects On Self-Esteem – The Naked Truth!’ and the first naked truth is that I have been struggling over whether to do this post for some time now.
The fact of the matter is that in order to do both it and it’s motivation justice I have to put it all out there and that is an extremely painful and difficult thing for me to do. But I have promised myself that I would do it.
And I have promised this because the truth is that I really do feel it is the only way and that it is very important. Especially since over the pat view weeks (both in conversations that I have had and also in blogs that I have read) I have witnessed a great deal of pain, hurt, embarrassment and even shame expressed by fellow mental health bloggers over their self-image, body shapes, physical features, weight etc.
Now I am a guy, and I fully accept that these things can often be different for a guy and that they seem to be somewhat; heightened, perhaps more severe even for women, but trust me it is hard enough for us guys. So sharing my experience (even from a guy’s perspective) whilst being all that I have to offer, will I hope encourage others as I do so desperately want to reach out to others who are suffering similar things.
So this is my poor, inadequate, offering – my attempt to do just that. And knowing my passion in this I apologize in advance for the length of this post – which will no doubt be fairly lengthy. But I do hope you will stay with me throughout it.
Depression and it’s effect on perceptions and feelings…
For this one I am going to use one of my own quotes…
Depression can bleach all the color from the most vividly chromatic rainbows.
I know of no better way of stating it and trust me a life without color is a life dulled into non-entity.
Imagine a life without colour if you can, one without feeling or even appreciation of experience. One where sometimes you will hurt yourself just to see if you can still feel something.
Depression and it’s effect on hope and motivation…
American Psychologist Rollo May stated that…
Depression is the inability to construct a future.
And I would certainly have to admit to understanding and relating to this sentiment. It is as some would say the inability to see the light at the end of the tunnel no matter who tells you that light is there.
But don’t be mistaken into thinking that for me (and many people like me) depression is the act of taking that ‘light at the end of the tunnel’ and convincing yourself that it is just another on-coming train about to smash you into oblivion.
I am sure that is true for some, but for me it simply isn’t so. For in that scenario that train offers and end, and in that end is escape from it all and thus hope.
I (in the depths of my depression) on the other hand know no such hope and thus all I see (if indeed I see that light) is a light at the end of the tunnel which no matter what I do will fade into nothingness before I even reach it or it me.
So there is little to no hope and with little to no hope comes little to no motivation. As all hope fades from the horizon, so too does you reason for being let alone your reason for doing and with not doing comes simply being. Being still, being inactive, being… on the road to protracted suicide by inactivity?
Depression and it’s effect on self-esteem/self-worth…
The writer David D. Burns wrote…
Depression can seem worse than terminal cancer, because most cancer patients feel loved and they have hope and self-esteem.
“can seem worse than cancer” because “most cancer patients feel loved and they have hope and self-esteem.” Chilling words aren’t they? Perhaps most chilling because for so many of us that is the truth that is experienced.
Let us recap for a moment here…
In the depths of depression there is often no color, no tangible sensations or feelings or even experiences. The nothingness has begun to consume you and in so doing it sucks all motivation and hope.
And what fills that void where once the hope and motivation lived? Well that one is easy – The negativity Family.
The negativity family – Self-doubt and it’s older brother self-hatred.
Anxiety and her older sister fear.
Hopelessness without her now aborted child motivation.
Displacement and his twin sister misunderstanding.
Am I painting too graphic and too dismal a picture here? Too graphic, too dismal? I am certain that those who are reading this who have experienced the depths of such depression won’t think so.
Your very reason for living can be lost and along with it your ability to live, leaving you only with existence.
Normal everyday activities such as washing, bathing, brushing your hair, cleaning your teeth, washing and changing your clothes can slip into normal every other day activities and then every other week and so on.
Why bother? After all, ask yourself why you do these things now? To please the ones you love? Because it is ingrained in who you are as a person? Because (as L’Oréal commercially puts it) you’re worth it?
See that is the thing isn’t it. You have no color, no motivation, no self-worth or self-esteem.
You don’t think about ‘pleasing the one you love’ – because you either can’t think about them or are convinced they are going to dump you anyway or simply believe they are better off without you and wish they would dump you.
You don’t know ‘it is ingrained in who you are as a person’ – because you are no longer the person you used to be.
You don’t buy the ‘because you’re worth it’ argument – because in your eyes you simply aren’t worth it.
So your personal hygiene starts to slip.
Your diet and eating habits suffer. Eating only now and then because someone makes you or eating too much because at least it is something tangible to break the nothingness or because at least it provides some feeling or sensation or comfort.
Relationships start to stress and crumble. Either because; you are putting less into them, or because others who are trying to help are doing so in the wrong way or you are perceiving that help in the wrong way, or because you have convinced yourself they are better off without you, OR because you are (as they will sometimes tell you) ‘no longer the person I knew and loved.’ Well DUH I am no longer the person I knew and loved.
Social activates even work activities reduce and cease as; you can no longer cope with them, become too self-conscious as a result of your worsening personal hygiene, or because of your black moods, or because you are simply lost to those worlds now.
Financial burdens start to form as a result of lack of income due to lack of activity or poor spending as a result of trying to find some tangible instant gratification or some quick fix. This in turn can affect your diet and personal hygiene.
The self-perpetuating downward spiralling cycle…
Reduced personal hygiene, reduced eating or over eating or poor eating, reduced social contact, reduced income, reduced activity and mobility.
Can you imagine what this all does to your skin, your weight, your body shape?
Can you imagine what that in turn does to feed those negative self-deprecating thoughts?
Can you see how these all impact and play into each other? Can you see the self-perpetuating downward spiralling cycle that has begun and which is so very hard to break free from?
At the start of this piece I promised you the truth and the fact of the matter is what I have written thus far is the truth for too many of us with mental health and (specifically but not exclusively) depression related issues.
This is a picture taken just before my mental and physical breakdown back in 1999. It shows my wife and my son and how I looked back then.
Back then when I was that person. That person who was before the person that I am now.
That person before the depression took control and before that self-perpetuating downward spiralling cycle took hold.
When I started this article I promised you the truth and the truth is that I am no longer that person and will never be that person again.
My son – bless his heart is much older now and has (like my faith) been a God-send and a life saver for me.
My wife – bless her heart did so very much, put up with so very much but in the end I “was no longer the person she married or the person she loved” and so she (in many ways understandably) moved on to a new relationship.
When I started this piece I promised the truth and did so because…
over the pat view weeks (both in conversations that I have had and also in blogs that I have read) I have witnessed a great deal of pain, hurt, embarrassment and even shame expressed by fellow mental health bloggers over their self-image, body shapes, physical features, weight etc.
Take another look at that photo for me. That was who I was before the depression took control and the truth is that I will never be that person again.
Why? Because I have changed and because those things that I shared above I shared out of personal experience.
I promised you the truth – the naked truth – well here it is….
I know first hand and all too well those feelings of pain, hurt, embarrassment and even shame over self-image, body shape, physical features, weight etc because of what I have let my body become.
They are soul destroying and they drive us into retreat and isolation and seclusion and defeat.
But they are not who we really are and we are not just what we or anybody else sees on the outside.
No matter how unappealing, distasteful and even hideous our outsides may seem to us, (and trust me it pains me and embarrasses me for anyone to see me like this) we are worth loving and worth that fight for recovery!
In truth I have no idea if this post has made any sense what so ever. I have written and deleted, re-written and altered it, delayed it, and re-thought it and struggled over it more than any other post that I have written.
It is my sincerest desire that I have not offended anyone through this post or that last photo. But I took it and included it because I want so very much to encourage and to do so from a place of empathy and of saying…
“Look at me. If anyone knows those self-hating, self-deprecating thoughts of shame and embarrassment I do. But try to see beyond my obvious embarrassment and pain and shame and please try to understand that despite it all I still believe there is hope and that each and every one of us is worthy of that hope and worthy of fighting for that recovery.”
A couple of days back (23rd) I published a post ‘A Bit of Fun – Which Are You? Which Am I?‘ which looked at three basic core natures – Parent, Child, Adult and which, for a bit of fun, asked you to look at dividing 100 points between each of those basic core natures according to which you thought were your more dominant natures.
Additionally, I asked readers to try to guess, judging by what they know of me through this blog, which would be the most dominant basic core natures for me
Actually most folk got it just about right in respect of my core natures. LOL how transparent am I?
My own results would read something along the lines of….
Parent Adult Child
60 10 30
As you can see from my figures I am predominantly parent by nature but that there is as Cate suggested “a fair chunk of child” in there too. Why is that?
Now as I said, this was just a bit of fun but the more I think of it what is interesting for me about this concept is not so much how transparent I am but rather how these play-out or effect our real lives? Do they indeed have an effect on our lives?
What for example would be the result if that ‘fair chunk of child’ in me never found an outlet or if someone was predominantly Child by core nature but was forced always to be adult or parent?
Now there is of course the whole question as to whether or not our core nature should indeed be our core nature and of course why it is our core nature?
It could well be, could it not, that someone who is predominantly child in core nature is that way because they have not been allowed to develop or grow. Or because their needs as a child were not met and thus they have retained that part of their nature in the hope of someday finding a way of having those needs met.
Interestingly I remember having had several conversations in the past about my childhood and the fact that I have always stated that since I have had my mental health issues virtually all of my life – or certainly for as long as I can remember – I was born old.
Is this a relevant factor in the fact that I do still have such a fair chunk of child in me and indeed if so how does that affect my life and my relationships now?
It’s an interesting thought is it not? And in deed is there anything wrong with my still having a fair chunk of child in me?
(Clears throat and addresses the crowd) Ahem, Excuse me, but I have a confession to make. You see, I am, well it’s like, I mean, that is to say ,oh hang it all. Ok I admit it. I am a bit of a bookworm. There I have said it LOL Does that make me a nerd? Well I should think that boat has long since sailed.
But yes I love reading and am a book worm and actually I have been for years. I have always loved reading. I read all kinds of books. Primarily I tend to read Christian books but also crime, true stories, rites of passage books, and of course books focusing on relationships, emotions, and psychologically.
The reason I mention this is because many years ago now – far too many years to mention specifically – I read a book which looked at relationships, core or base natures, self-worth and self-image.
This particular books author suggested (in an albeit tremendously simplistic approach) that there are in some respects three basic core natures.
The core natures he put forward being – Parent, Adult or Child.
He then went on to suggest that we each of us will develop these three core natures to varying degrees resulting in one become more dominant that the other two.
This suggestion came back to me as a result of a recent conversation I was having with someone about one of their relationships and it interested me.
Effectively what the author was saying is that if you took the three core natures and considered yourself and your attitudes and approaches, reactions and responses, you should be able to say which was your most and least dominant core nature. The other one obviously being left as the one in the middle.
And I thought that this could be a little bit of fun for us all to do.
So here is that bit of fun for you….
1. Taking those three basic core natures and 100 points, and remembering that this is not about physical circumstance or status (ie if you have children or not) divide those 100 points out between those three basic core natures (Parent, Adult, Child) giving the most points to the basic nature core nature which you feel is the most dominant in you and the least to the one least dominant in you.
What results did you end up with? (Feel free to share via commenting below.)
2. Read the relevant parts of this post to those who know you most/best and ask them to do the dividing up in respect of you.
What results did they come up with? (Again feel free to share via commenting below.)
3. Compare your results for you with their results for you.
(Remember, we are often distracted or influenced by circumstances AND most importantly someone else’s impression of your core basic natures WILL be influenced by their own core basic natures, so don’t get disheartened or offended or concerned by their responses.
4. What is your reaction to the comparison between your results and other people’s results for you? (Again feel free to share via commenting below.)
5. In the spirit of complete fun, leading by example, and indeed just out of sheer curiosity. Given what you know of me via my blogs what would your results in respect of me be?
What percentage Parent Basic Core Nature?
What percentage Adult Basic Core Nature?
What percentage Child Basic Core Nature?
(Again feel free to share via commenting below, and please know that I will not get offended at all.)
6. What is your opinion of this concept and indeed our little bit of fun?
(Again feel free to share via commenting below.)
I really would be interested in the results and indeed your opinions
Although I generally keep my faith fairly low key on this particular blog (as it’s main purpose is not to talk about faith but instead about mental health issues) today I wanted to share something that has been on my heart.
As a Christian who suffers from Mental health issues, including depression and suicidal ideation, I am very much aware of what these things can do to you.
They can make you feel so worthless and remove the site of any hope, as well as potentially leading you to urges to self-harm and indeed thoughts of ending it all etc. they can undermine your faith and indeed your self-worth.
Psalm 23 has always been important to me and has been on my heart for a while now. It can also, I believe speak directly into many of those self-harm, suicidal ideation and lack of self-worth issues that I talked about.
So today I thought I would look at Psalm 23 and take a look at it specifically in respect of those issues and the comfort and assurances and encouragements that it can offer…
Psalm 23 NIV
(Words of the psalm are in red – my reflections are in black)
1 The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing.
I wonder if you have ever considered the role of the Shepherd? What he does? What kind of person he is? What he offers or provides for the sheep?
Historically the shepherding was usually done by the young son of the father – sound familiar in a Christian context? He tended the sheep, looked after them. He knows the sheep, recognizes them, knows their characteristics, natures, personalities. Knows which ones need a lot of looking after and which ones need a lot of watching lol.
He provides belonging and indeed security, protection, nutrition, guidance.
Does he keep them from death entirely? No of course not death – at least death on this earth – comes to us all, but he protects and keeps them until the time is right for them. Doing all he can to keep them from wandering into places where untimely death is a very real threat.
How often does that suicidal ideation bring us to those dangerous places where an untimely death is possible? This is not his desire for us and he will do all he can to lead us away from there. (As we will see) But we do need to listen to his voice and trust in him – something that can be so very hard at times I know.
We are part of his flock, his sheep and they are his and he cares for them and provides for them. So in truth (despite thoughts top the contrary) I am his, we are his, and he cares for us and provides for us and no matter what the depression says, no matter what the poor self-image or the damaging voices or thoughts of worthlessness may say the fact is that is true and the fact it that we belong and he desires for us to belong.
Does not this psalm talk and indeed the very first verse speak of that, establish that? “The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing.”
2 He makes me lie down in green pastures,
The shepherd wants us to lie down in green pastures green pastures are a sign of provision, safety and security. Soft grass to lay on and to graze on. Not rocky roads, not bramble-filled hedge rows.
The key words here for me are ‘lie down’. I have no doubt, from my understanding of the Bible and indeed from my own personal experience of life that there will indeed be rocky roads and bramble-filled hedge rows along our journey, but does he want for us to remain on them? To rest of them? No not at all. It is in green pastures where he wants for us to lay down. And check out this next bit if you are unsure.
he leads me beside quiet waters,
“Quiet waters” are a representation of peace and tranquility and again of provision – for do we all not need to drink? Where is it safest to drink? In a noisy rapid moving stream or in the quiet stiller waters?
And again check out the key words in this sentence – He “leads me”. The expression is not ‘sends me’ or ‘drives me’ but ‘leads me’. There is no separation here. We have not been sent off alone but instead he is taking us with him, we are together.
3 he refreshes my soul.
Some have described the soul as being the essence of who we are – mind (reasoning, intellect, information, memory etc), will and emotions. So bearing this in mind, check out that word – “refreshes“‘.
In the original Hebrew the word used here is ‘שׁוּב’ or ‘shûb’ and it means to refresh or to restore. Ever wondered why that word is there?
All too often, in my opinion, we have soft-sold Christianity and faith, giving the impression that in Christ we should have no difficulties or trials or illnesses or hurts. This is simply not true in my opinion and the fact is that we will have trials and difficulties and illnesses and hurts and we will get tired and weak.
“He refreshes (or restores) my soul“. Why? Because my soul, your soul, is no doubt going to encounter difficult times and suffer weakness and tiredness along the way and so those damaging, harmful doubting voices which base their condemnations or sew those seeds of doubt on our weaknesses and tiredness have no power and no truth because we all get that way and God knows we will and His word not only acknowledges it but makes provision for it.
He guides me along the right paths for his name’s sake.
Again the key word here is “guides” and again the picture is not one being ‘sent’ but one being ‘led’. It is in fact in the Hebrew the word ‘נחה’ or ‘nâchâh’ and that means to ‘bring’ to ‘guide’ to ‘lead’.
And why? Because of anything we have earned? No not at all but for HIS name sake not our. Thus we cannot say or think that we are ‘unworthy of’ or ‘unacceptable for’ this as it is because of him and not because of us that he does this.
4 Even though I walk through the darkest valley, (Or the valley of the shadow of death) I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.
There is potential imminent danger and sadness here isn’t there? The “darkest valley” or “the valley of the shadow of death“. How many of us have known those dark valleys? How many of us who suffer from suicidal ideation have had that shadow of death fall upon us?
And yet even in these potentially dangerous and dark times there is a promise of hope and security here. “I will fear no evil“ Why? Because “You are with me” and “Your rod and your staff they comfort me“.
Yes there is certainly hope and security to be taken from those words. And again we need to recognize that the presence of “dark valleys” and “shadows of death” are acknowledged as being something that we will experience.
The rod and the staff offer authority, protection and security and are integral tools for the shepherd and we understand and recognize this and we know their need and place in our lives. The rod protecting us from the prowling wolves and the staff guiding us and directing us and also being used to pluck us from the mire.
5 You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies.
And not only does the shepherd keep us from that danger and from that untimely death but he prepares “a table before me“. He feeds us and provides us all that we need for life.
And what is more he does it “in the presence of my enemies“. We don’t have to wait until everything is safe and sound before he provides for our future. He does it throughout it all. So secure, so powerful is his authority and are his abilities that he can do this even whilst danger is around us. And again there is that recognition that danger is around us.
You anoint my head with oil;
‘anointing with oil‘ in the bible has a number of uses, healing, protection, a sign of importance or worth. Oil in those days was by no means cheap. If you are having your head anointed with oil it is a sign of your being worth something, being valued.
When those poor or harmful self-image or self-worth doubts come this is an excellent thing to remember. “You anoint my head with oil.” We are worth something! We are valued!
my cup overflows.
I love this simple statement. “my cup overflows“ Not only do you provide what I need but even more than that. And I like that statement for another reason…
Many years ago I was at some celebration or another and an expensive bottle of champagne was opened and shared around. It was poured into the first glass with great pleasure and happiness and with too much enthusiasm. So naturally it fizzed up and overflowed out of the glass.
Not wishing for any of the valuable drink to be wasted others placed their glasses underneath in order to catch as much of the overflow as possible.
How much more valuable is his provision for us? When it overflows, are we to waste it or to share it with others? I think the answer is pretty obvious here – we are to share it with others.
6 Surely your goodness and love will follow meall the days of my life,
“Surely“ it is a statement not a question. Take a look at the whole sentence, there is no question mark here. Positively, certainly, your goodness and love with follow me…
Goodness and love cannot follow someone unless goodness and love is what they have with them and what they have shown and shared. The legacy we leave to our children is built of what we have shown to or shared with our children.
And we are not only talking about the legacy we leave behind after our life on earth is over. Not at all. Take a look at the rest of this line will follow me “all the days of my life“.
This is a constant thing a here and now thing.
If “surely“, or positively or certainly, “goodness” and “love” are that which is to follow us then “surely“, positively and certainly, “goodness” and “love” is what we need to be sharing and leaving behind us not only when we die but after each conversation, each encounter with someone, each interaction.
Now obviously none of us are perfect and we are going to mess up every now and again and indeed fail in this, but it is good target to have is it not?
And surely that “goodness” and “love” is made possible because of all the thing that the Lord has and is and will do for us. For it comes first from him, then to us and then through us to others – my cup overflows.
and I will dwell in the house of the Lordforever.
And here is that glorious promise! “and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever“.
The shepherd will, if we; listen to him, stay close to him, rely on him, and trust in him, even and especially in those times of darkest trouble bring us through it all and will do so until our time is right and even beyond it so that through him we can secure that glorious prize – the one intended for us all. eternal life with him.
So there you have it. Why psalm 23 is such an important psalm to me and why I think it can bring such comfort in times of darkness and when the depression and the urges to self-harm or when the suicidal ideation hit.
I thought it would be good to get back on track with finishing my Passions Profile Challenge and since Wednesday wa my 50th birthday to look at my biggest passion of all – that of God, Christ and my faith.
[I know before I start that this is going to be a long one and may cause offense to some and I apologize in advance but please do take the time to read it if you are interested.]
How It All Began…
I guess that it all began the way so many of us began our introduction to God which was through having to go to church as a child. I grew up in a coastal city in the south of England and was one of four children in my family – all of whom were packed off to church every Sunday morning.
The church we were sent to was the nearest one to our house and was ‘Church of England’ (Anglican or Protestant in some definitions) and was ‘high’ church of England to boot.
It was big and austere and very grey and they had statues and iconography, hassocks and cassocks, altar boys and choir boys (of which yes I was one), incense and flowers, pulpit ad pews.
The Vicar (equivalent of a priest or pastor) would stand in the pulpit every Sunday morning and preach at us and then pray for us whilst all the time spraying over us such was his commitment.
Sunday School (in the church hall) was a regular feature of the Sunday morning ritual and this seemed to happen sometime after the start of the service and just before our being ushered back to church for the end of the service. Then, of course, it was off home for a Sunday Roast – which as a child was without doubt the best part of Sunday’s.
Yes that was Sunday mornings for you in the Deane family and the funny thing is, looking back now, I loved them – despite all their faults and the detached greyness of it all.
And besides Sunday morning church services were just one part of church life for us as children – there were also; cubs and scouts, (for we three boys) and girl guides (for our older sister). Summer fetes and jumble sales, bring and buy’s, jamborees, shows and pantomimes and all manner of things going on.
Yes church life was as much a regular part of my childhood as; school, bath nights, praying before bed, days spent at the (very nearby) beach and getting spanked for some misdemeanor or another.
The only problem was however that childish minds are both inquiring minds and developing minds and they approach thing sin life expecting to see some colour.
Of course when you are very young and are faced with a grey canvass you very often simply splash your own colour on it all don’t you? Finding indoor fun on rainy days, making jokes and playing pranks and getting up to boyish mischievousness during long boring grey church services.
But as the child develops and grows so too the mind develops and grow and so too do questions develop and grow. So instead of simply splashing our own color on those grey canvasses of life we start to ask why things are so grey in the first place, should they even be that grey?
Why is it that whilst church life was fairly colorful, the church services themselves were so very, very grey?
And as for God himself, well why is it that he was not only grey but a deep, angry, vengeful, distant, you can’t touch me kind of grey?
That kind of, “Look kid I am an angry grey and I am staying an angry grey and what is more I am all-seeing, all-knowing, all-powerful kind of angry grey so you just have to do as I say and that’s the end of it” kind of grey.
The truth is that I realized from a very early age that this kind of grey, this kind of God, doesn’t make sense and what is more the evidence about him (other than those grey sermons and grey buildings that is) was vivid and exciting and warm and inviting and so very full of color.
The canvas of the morning sky – is filled with colour and with birds filled with color, the canvas of the night sky – is filled with glitter, the fields and hedgerows and gardens are filled with color and with flowers and plants and animals and insects all filled with color…
Psalm 19:1-6 NIV
1 The heavens declare the glory of God;
the skies proclaim the work of his hands. 2 Day after day they pour forth speech;
night after night they reveal knowledge. 3 They have no speech, they use no words;
no sound is heard from them. 4 Yet their voice goes out into all the earth,
their words to the ends of the world.
In the heavens God has pitched a tent for the sun. 5 It is like a bridegroom coming out of his chamber,
like a champion rejoicing to run his course. 6 It rises at one end of the heavens
and makes its circuit to the other;
nothing is deprived of its warmth.
No, there is no place for a grey distant and unapproachable God in the life or eyes or heart of a child and in truth (as the evidence of creation proves) there is no such God.
So if there is no such God then what kind of God is there?
The more I grew and the older I got the more I question and the more that question intrigued me. Whenever I thought of church and religion that was the question that I was faced with. (Actually that is the question I think we are all faced with at some time or another.)
The answer for me, (and actually I believe the answer for all of us), came at that time in this Jesus character who was often mentioned but who seemed – within the experience of church – to spend most of his time on the side lines.
Just who was this Jesus Character?
A small baby, pulled down from the shelf and stuck on display at Christmas?
Some kid who is sent off up the shops when God or we need something?
A trouble-shooter – sent in at times of need or unrest?
God’s Son sent to save us?
Hang on a minute! What’s that? He’s a son? God’s son? And he is our Savior?
Hold up! That doesn’t make sense. Doesn’t fit into the frames I have been given. Doesn’t compute with the things I have been told. Doesn’t match up with the experience I have seen and had at church.
This Jesus, this Christ can’t be that important can he?
I mean God is important and Church is important I know that, been taught that, heck I’ve lived that!
God is God and I have that all sussed, Church is church I have that all sussed.
I mean I am not happy with it, with this angry grey all-seeing, all-knowing, all-powerful, unapproachable, ‘you just got to do what I say and that is the end of it’, kind of grey God. Or for that matter with this grey ‘do what we tell you and believe what we say’ kind of grey church.
But if you throw this Jesus, this child of God, into the mix what the heck is gonna happen to all that greyness?
Children don’t do grey, we are not meant to do grey! Christ doesn’t do grey! He does wonderful, majestic, glorious. radiant he does rainbows and brilliance and he does love. Total, complete, unadulterated, unashamed, unfathomable, unquenchable love. Why? Because he is a child, a child of his father, our father, our loving heavenly father.
If God sent his son to save us because he sees us as his children and not just puppets or playthings, then even this God is not who or as grey as they showed him as.
Matthew 6:9a NIV
9 “This, then, is how you should pray: “‘Our Father in heaven,….
When It Became A Passion…
Hang on, what am I saying here? That God is a Father? Our Father?
Could it be that he desires for us to be his children? That he actually likes and wants us to have color in our lives, in our worship in our fellowship?
John 3:16 NIV
16 For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.
Could it possibly be that he wants our worship, our love, our fellowship, our experience of him to have that color? WHich is why he gave us His son? So that through His son, and subsequently through His Holy Spirit we can have that color, that relationship with Him?
John 14:6 NIV
6 Jesus answered, “I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.
So I invited Christ into my life as my Lord and Savior. Did the color come and all the greyness go? No actually it didn’t but with the color came a new way not only of seeing that greyness but also of seeing God.
Sadness In the Passion.
Of course with every Passion there also comes sadness.
For me personally one of the greatest sadnesses is how all too often that greyness is still how God, our loving heavenly Father, is presented or how His son is still pushed to the sidelines or kept on a shelf until christmas.
And another great sadness for me is how many folk have been hurt, saddened, disillusioned, dejected but such a practice.
Why does that hurt and sadden me so much? Because it isn’t the way it is meant to be for us – God’s children (and that title is meant to apply to us all) and it isn’t how we are meant to see God the Father.
I have seen the greyness, felt the greyness, been raised and have grown up in the greyness and by the grace of God have seen and known and know the color that we are meant to have too.
So many of us, (and so very sadly so many of us who experience and blog about mental health it seems) have only been show the greyness.
Sadly we have been offered a grey, and angry, and unjust, and distant, and unapproachable God or one that is secondary to the greyness of the church or fellowships who introduced us to him.
Does God our Father, want for us to share that color with others? Yes I truly believe he does and I truly believe he wants us to have churches and fellowships – just not grey or rigid or unloving or colorless ones.
Why? Because that is not who he is. He is a father, a loving, caring, fair, compassionate and approachable Father – our father. And despite reports to the contrary, he loves color and he wants each and every one of us to know, feel, see and live that color and to do so for ever with Him as His children.
I am just a guy, a guy who suffers from mental illness (which in itself tries so hard to steal the color from our lives doesn’t it). Two days ago I turned 50 but even at this age I know I am still a child. God’s child.
He is my Father and I love him and because of that love I try to show that love to him and to all his children – even those who do not yet know that they are his children yet.
I hope and pray that through sharing this Passion I have done something to address and counter ‘the greyness’ that you may have been shown or told about when it comes to our Father.
Too many of us have been hurt in this way, too many of us have been robbed of the color that He himself desires for us to have in His relationship with us.
I wonder how many of you were shocked by it, possibly even drawn to it with shocked curiosity? Expecting to see some reference to a new article or some tabloid headline?
LOL Perhaps you just saw that it was one of my headlines and thought “There he goes again!”
Well, thankfully it is not from some news article or a tabloid headline – although sadly even in this day and age it quite possibly could be. Actually it isn’t even about a physical, flesh and blood child at all but about a child, about children, who are in many ways, at least in the opinion of this writer, just as important.
It is about something that I have been thinking about as a result of a statement my blogging buddy over at ‘underground‘ made in her piece ‘Self-sabotage and shame‘ (which is an excellent piece by the way).
In her piece she made the statement..
I could feel my (inner) child clinging to others,
It was a seemingly simple statement held within a much more complex article and one full of emotion and reflection. But it was that simple statement which launched (as is often the case) my mind into hours of personal reflection and consideration. One which led me to ask the question…
What happens to our inner child? Especially when that inner child is held within a person who suffers from mental illness or poor mental health?
Is he, is she, permitted to live or did he or she get lost somewhere, buried somewhere, caught somewhere – between the cross-fire of suffering mental illness and trying to live a ‘normal’ life?
I think the reality is that for so many of us that inner child is suppressed, lost or buried as we get older. In fact I would go as far as to say that in my opinion it is what we are taught and what is expected of us.
I am English by birth and come from a Royal Navy family. Boys were expected to grow into men and to be men. Attitudes like “Boys don’t cry”, ‘be a man’, ‘you’re not a child anymore’, ‘you need to grow a back-bone’ and ‘it’s time to man up’ were not unfamiliar to me. Indeed they were almost the mantra of both my school, my recreational and my home life.
Likewise, girls were expected to grow into young ladies and to be little women before becoming women and wives and mothers.
Actually there is nothing wrong with either of those things in my opinion but I have to question whether it has to be at the total cost of our inner child?
I have to tell you that I for one don’t think so and I will go even further. I personally believe that the loss of our ‘inner child’ – be it through denial, suppression or simple lack of contact, – can be one of the most harmful and debilitating things that can happen to us.
And here is why I believe this. I am convinced that at the outset we and our inner child are one.
As we grow our inner child grows also and with balance and the right upbringing we learn to be able to be at peace with each other and to have an almost symbiotic relationship knowing when to be adult when we need to but also being free enough to allow our inner child to come out when it needs to or should that be when we need it to.
Afer all, aren’t some of the most precious and most beautiful moments in life when we see and are shown innocence, purity and vulnerability – child likeness in each other within the right settings?
But when the growth and development – that very freedom to be – is removed or stifled in our inner child it can cause many untold problems.
Being struck with mental illness – especially at an early age – can without doubt in my opinion do this.
We have to spend so much time focussing on or dealing with our mental health, on facing the torments, on winning over it – which after all is measured in many ways by how supposedly ‘normal’ we can be – that we somehow lose that innocence, that freedom to be childlike.
And let us be real here, very often that freedom is also partially removed from us by well intentioned others who focus so much of their efforts on encouraging us to be ‘normal’, ‘rational’, ‘sensible’, dare we say ‘grown up’.
And there is something else which we really do need to take into consideration here.
Mental illness can place tremendous strains on relationships and can serious alter perceptions. Both of which in turn can impair or effect both our and our inner child’s development. If this happens in early life it can be crippling and add emotional anguish and heartache to that mental anguish and pain.
I am fifty years old and a father, and a grandfather. I have serious mental health issues and I recognize that and face my responsibilities regardless of that. But I know, and am not afraid to admit it, that additional to my mental health issues I have other hurts and issues and those hurts nd issues include the emotional hurts experienced by my inner child. Hurts which only serve to complicate and add to my mental health issues.
The truth is I know I am an adult and I have no problem with that. But I also know I have an inner child and I want that inner child to heal and be free because without that happening I seriously doubt I will ever heal or be free.
So I ask you. How’s your inner child today? When was the last time you let him, her out? Is your inner child hurting? Does your inner child need a healing and freedom that only you can permit?
I woke up early on Saturday – having not slept at all really – and things did not look good at all. Even the process of getting up was laborious and taxing and I recognized almost instantly that my CFIDS was kicking my butt once again.
Having been so ill for a weeks now, with whatever infection I had contracted this time around, I was hoping that my CFIDS would not ‘come a calling’ for a while. But of course it did.
Actually the day turned out to be one of both positives and negatives.
When you suffer from an illness like CFIDS (Chronic Fatigue Immune Dysfunction Syndrome) or CFS (Chronic Fatigue Syndrome) and you know that it is kicking your butt you have to exercise some caution and some sense. You need to do things as and when you are able, knowing that quite probably you won’t be able to do them later on.
So in the morning I did a little blogging and then broke from it to go into town briefly around midday in order to get some provisions – thanks to my son being able to drive me in.
Coming home I managed to put those provisions away, prepare a meal to cook later and then finish the blog piece I was writing before then collapsing in an armchair and just resting up.
Later that afternoon a friend from church turned up with her kids and that really lifted my day I enjoy good company and love those kids and so it was a delight to see them all.
As good as the visit from friends was, it also tired me out some and so I just rested up once they had left.
Actually I rested up for a good few hows and it was quite late before I could even consider going and turning on the stove in order to cook the meal I had prepared earlier.
Emotionally I was quite upbeat but physically I was drained and mentally I was on rocky ground. I have been that way for a while now mentally.
Deciding that my meal would now be cooked I went and served it up, grabbed a glass of coke and made my way back to the armchair to eat. (Often I will eat at the kitchen table but when my CFIDS is this bad even sitting at the table is too much for me and so the armchair was favourable.)
And then it happened. Sitting eating my meal I reached for my glass of coke, lifted it and then immediately dropped it smashing the glass and spilling the coke all over the place.
This one simple accident crashed my mental health through the floor and I sat there like a quivering wreck. Tears flowed and my appetite disappeared. I was more despondent than I was frustrated and I just sat there not knowing what to do and not having the energy to do anything about it even if I had wanted to.
My son is a very active busy guy who does a lot for the local youth in this area and Saturday evening would not be a good time to call him so I just sat there known that I had to pull myself out of this somehow.
Experience has taught me that when my metal health goes off the rails like that I am sometimes able to prevent it from crashing even further (and even able to rescue it) if I distract it and try to refocus it on something.
I sent my niece a message on Viber to see how she was doing and soon learned from her hubby that she had gone into labour and was in hospital. I was delighted! This baby was so very important to them as a couple and has been the focus of many a prayer lately.
The news was enough to stop my mental health from crashing any further. That particular niece is more like a daughter to me and I wanted to be able to be there for her and her hubby (albeit on the end of text messages).
4.16 Sunday morning baby was born (no name ahs been announced as yet) a beautiful 7lbs 12 ounce boy and what is more baby, mother, and father are all fine
Yay! Welcome to the world Grand Nephew!
Sunday (despite my tiredness and weakness) I managed to get to church in Wexford thanks to the help of a friend and even managed to spend the afternoon in fellowship. But had to come home relatively early as I had been having chest pains all day and needed to take some meds. Not to mention the fact that I was fit to drop I was so weak and so tired.
The news of baby’s arrival and the ability to spend the morning in church and the afternoon and early evening in good company has lifted me mentally and I feel fairly stable again.
Even coming home, feeding the dog and wearily climbing into bed only to find that the television in bedroom had broken and wouldn’t even turn on wasn’t enough to detail my mental health again. I simply played some music on my laptop and went to sleep.
The post I had written on Saturday (not the funny word one I had written previously in my drafts and published that day) but the one on not being too harsh or expecting too much from yourself, had been a timely post for me and a good reminder.
Today I know I am still a little fragile mentally but am determined to stay focussed and not be too critical of myself. Four or five days ago (May 9th) I wrote a piece on ‘Signs of things not being right‘ in which I recognized that things were not as good as I had thought they were in respect of my current or recent mental health.
I need to remember this and to recognize that I am still in that place and still coming out of that place and trying to improve things. Having the right and a healthy perspective on things is important and I need to remember that and to see things clearly.
Today I am going to rest up some and to take things clearly and orderly. This is my mental health and I have both the responsibility and the right to protect and improve it. So the next few days are not just going to be about damage limitation they are going to be about recovery.
I have to be honest and admit that my heart is troubled today. Actually it has been troubled for a few days now. So I thought I would tell you three extremely short stories all based on the theme of ‘reaching out’.
Peter was drowning, drowning fast. He had tried to keep his head above water for so long now. Doing all he could to just stay afloat.
He was sinking, sinking fast. Despite all his efforts he was sinking and he knew it.
“I can see the light! I am sure I can see the light! If only I reach out towards that light, that hope. Perhaps someone will reach out to me and help me.” He told himself.
Claire was doing her best to make her way on her journey. But in truth she was struggling.
It had grown dark, so very dark. Suddenly so very Dark.
In the darkness she stumbled and fell.
Falling fast, unable to see anything, she reached out in that darkness.
Hoping for something to grab hold of. Hoping beyond hope that something, someone would be there.
Samantha was tired, so very tired. It had been a long and arduous journey and one through somehow unfamiliar territory.
She had been in unfamiliar territory many times before but this time it was somehow different.
Somehow she had reached the edge and didn’t know where to turn. Scared and confused and not seeing or knowing who to reach out to for help, she sat and waited. Hoping that someone, anyone would come along.
-oOo-
So there you have it. Three short stories all based on the theme of ‘Reaching Out’ (or not be able to reach out in one case) They are about three different people all of whom share one or two things in common.(apart from a need to either reach out or have someone reach out to them)
Actually the stories don’t readily identify what the three characters all have in common but that’ ok because I can tell you…
They are all folk who experience poor mental health and who blog about their mental health.
Why not take a moment to read those short stories again and this time, knowing that they all experience mental health issues and are fellow bloggers look at their situations not in respect of the physical but the mental and the emotional.
Recognize those situations? Perhaps previously or even currently in your own life or the lives of other fellow mental health bloggers?
The fact is that any one of us could be ‘Peter’ feeling as if we are going under and desperately trying to find some hope. Likewise any one of us could be ‘Claire’ suddenly hit by depression and not seeing anyway out of it so reaching out blindly in the darkness. And in the same way any one of us could be ‘Samantha’ feeling like we are ‘on the edge’ and not knowing what way to turn.
The fact is also that we are so many of us bloggers or readers who know what those feelings are like, aren’t we?
So which one are you? Are you a Peter or a Claire or a Samantha? Which one were you a month ago, and the month before that, and the week before that?
Perhaps right now you are neither of them? Perhaps right now you are coping well?
Perhaps right now you can be the person they can reach out to or who will reach out to them?
Yes, I have to be honest and admit that my heart is troubled today. Actually it has been troubled for a few days now. So I thought I would tell you three extremely short stories all based on the theme of ‘reaching out’ and in the process encourage us all to reach out to each other.
Many already do and that is great, but many don’t. Perhaps you feel you have little to offer of any worth? Perhaps you are frightened of being rejected or of messing up? All of these things are natural, but the truth is that we all have something of worth to offer – our time and our compassion.
So how about it? If you don’t already do it, how about next time you read a blog you just take a minute or two to hit ‘like’ if you liked it, or to leave a comment and let the person know they are not alone and someone out there is listening.?
Some weeks back I started the Mental Health Writers’ Guild in the hope of providing a community for those of us who write about Mental Health. If you sometimes write about Mental Health, how about checking it out and if you have not already done so, why not join us?
May is Mental Health month in America, how about we use this month to reach out to each other?
No this is not an advertizing campaign for celebrities who seem to want to be seen to be compassionate and so fly off and pick and choose babies to adopt.
And no it isn’t an exchange program where we all get to swap our kids.
[Hm that reminds me of the first time I saw a sign on a supermarket door saying 'Baby Changing Room'.
I couldn't help picturing numerous babies inside in baskets and frustrated parents going in with their own crying, agitated baby and simply changing it for one less agitated or noisy!
See you will never see one of those signs in the same way again now will you? LOL]
But I digress, actually the title is part of an answer gave a year or so back to a friend of mine from church who when meeting my mother and I for coffee (my mother was visiting me in Ireland for the first time) asked my mother the question, “So tell me, what was it like having Kevin as child?”
“What was it like having Kevin as a child?” My mother considered the question as she sipped her coffee. “Well I’ll tell you,” she replied, “I had three boys and a girl and each were different but with Kevin, well with Kevin it was like having a different child every few days.“
Now my mother didn’t mean any harm, embarrassment or offense to me. She is one of life’s formidable women who will tell it to you straight. If you are walking like a duck, sounding like a duck and acting like a duck then “Stop acting like a duck you fool your a human!” is her approach to things LOL.
No she meant no harm, embarrassment or offense and the fact is that she was right. But then mental illness can do that to someone can’t it, especially a child and especially a child whose mental illness was never acknowledged or medicated.
Let me explain and to do so let me explain using a simplification of what can take place…
For every child or person there is in any relationship a set of normal or expected behaviours.
Simply put any time that child or person behaviours within those expected or normal behaviours we consider them to be ‘being his or her self’.
But when that child or person’s behaviour is outside of that recognized or expected or even acceptable area we consider something to be wrong. “I am not sure what is wrong with Kevin, he just isn’t himself today.”
How far away from (or outside of) his or her normal behaviours he or she is will often dictate the level of concern expressed.
Add to this picture positive or negative opposite connotations to the two poles (A and B) such as Bad & Good or Down & Up or Depressed and Manic and the whole thing takes on a totally different complexion doesn’t it?
The fact of the matter is that my mother was perfectly right in her answer and description of me as a child because that is exactly what I was like. I was (in a very simplistic explanation of it all) experiencing fluctuating mental states and in response to that my behaviours were fluctuating.
Are but if you were “a different child every few days” how did they set that ‘normal or expected behaviours area’ you talked about? I hear the more observant of you ask.
Well the answer lies in the opening words of my mother’s answer and incidentally mirrors society’s approach to this. My mother said, “Well I had three boys and one girl and each were different, butKevin…”
The ‘normal’ or ‘expected’ behaviours area was not set on what I Kevin did but on what my brothers and sisters did. My behaviours, as demonstrated by the “but Kevin” were outside of this norm. And after all, how do we as a society measure extreme behaviour? By how far removed or away from the norm it is.
And so it wasn’t any wonder that I was (as my mother described me) “a different child every few days“.
All very logical and simple so far isn’t it? I agree. BUT what about the knock on effect that has on relationships? If I was – to all intents and purposes – “a different child every few days – which child (or which person if this happens in later life) do you have a relationship with? And how can you form or maintain any progressing and sustaining relationship?
Let’s introduce a partner, a lover, a wife into this scenario…
I wonder how many of us who had mental health issues before meeting our partner, fully disclosed the presence or even the extent of those issues to that partner before any marriage or serious commitment was made? After all, isn’t it perfectly natural to think such thoughts as, “if I show him/her just how messed up I am there is no way he/she will want to go out with, date, marry, live with me?”
And what happens when mental health issues enter into a relationship after the relationship has been formed?
We meet, form and develop relationships with the people we love by getting to know them. Part of that getting to know them is our formulating an understanding of them through their characteristics, attitudes, AND behaviour patterns. And sharing in those is a fundamental part of that togetherness.
So when one person starts to be continually outside of those expected behaviours that togetherness is strained and ultimately can be lost.
And this can have a devastating effect on a relationship and especially where both parties are outside of the normal behaviours area and not together.
And of course this doesn’t only happen in respect of mental health. It can happen with physical health and other things as well.
Of course all does not have to be so bleak. With the right approach or with the right medication the potential for harm to a relationship can be drastically reduced, often by the movement away from and outside expected or acceptable behaviours being greatly reduced or the expected behaviour being achievable again.
As I said earlier, this is a simplification of what can happen but it is no less valid as a result of that.
Sadly, or so it would seem to me, relationships and the effects that mental illness or poor mental health are all too often overlooked in our approach to mental health issues.
And I for one can testify that my own mental health has impacted my relationships so very much in the past and to no small degree because for these very reasons.
So I thought I would share those simplified thoughts with you and would be very interested in your comments and feedback on them.
Well I am so encouraged and so blessed by having taken this challenge so far!
I am also extremely encouraged by other blogging friends who have taken up the challenge.
Cate over at Infinite Sadness or what? has taken up the challenge and I am so interested in her responses to it.
Additionally Eileen over at But She’s Crazy has today told me that Cate has inspired her to also take up the challenge and although I have only just become acquainted with her work I am keen to follow her responses and approach to it.
So I really do want to encourage you to pop over and check out how they are getting on with the challenge and to consider taking it up for yourself.
So since I am so encouraged by what Cate and Eileen have shared I thought I would share an update come review on my own progress with this Passions Profile Challenge…
As well as committing to hand writing several letters myself I also wanted to encourage others to consider writing by hand and even investing in a decent fountain pen.
A friend’s daughter recently got baptized and she had before mentioned that he liked my handwriting and had asked me what pen I used. So as a little baptism gift and by way of encouragement I put together a little writing box.
The Writing Box consisted of an A4 flip top designer box
Inside the box I placed a stock of A4 sheets of really nice Pink Parchment Paper and matching Pink Parchment Paper Envelopes plus nice Parker Pen set of Ball point pen, Propelling pencil and Fountain pen, with her name engraved on it and an additional matching Fountain pen with her name on it and with a calligraphy nib and some ink cartridges.
I have to tell you that she was delighted with it and that made it all the more special. I really think this makes a wonderful gift for any little girl (or even little boys with the right style of box and paper etc) old enough to be interested in writing letters and having pen pals.
In accordance with Day Two’s music Passion I spent the day listening to music and posted three you tube videos of songs that really meant a lot to me for different reason. But I also extended this and instead of going to my normal ‘goto’ music and playing it in the background whilst sitting at my computer I have played all my old albums and have really enjoyed the songs and the memories attached to them.
Day three started off with my writing a short story based on my childhood and my experiences of having poor mental health as a child. It was something that I wasn’t sure I really wanted to write it let alone publish it but I m really glad that I did.
I also made a commitment to myself to start editing the books that I have written and which I have not yet edited. Additionally I have committed to writing the chapter synopses, character profiles and such necessary before publishing them.
[As a writer I tend to write the stories without breaking the flow to write character profiles and the such.]
I have not committed to sending this set off for publishing yet despite pressure to do so. But hey who knows.
Yesterday I wrote about my biological family and why I am so passionate about my family. I also shared a little of how my mental health had affected my relationships with my family and how committed I was to repairing those relationships.
In response to that, and since part of the challenge is not only to list your passions but to spend some time exploring and reconnecting with them, I wrote a whole load of letters to my family members – siblings, nieces, nephews, great-nieces ad great-nephews (some of which I have hardly even spoken to before) and I am really pleased that I did so.
Just what will come of it I have no idea but I am so very pleased that I took the time to do this.
Conclusion and Round-up.
So all in all this Passions Profile Challenge has already proven to be very rewarding and extremely interesting.
Some parts were easier than others and it is certainly true that some of the things that I have already done have the potential to bring ew growth as well as having the potential to bring new hurts. But then don’t most things which are worth while come with a certain amount of potential risk or disappointment.
I am only a third of the way through this challenge, but did want to share what has hjappened so far and I hope you have enjoyed reading it and have been encouraged.
Today, as part of the Passions Profile Challenge, I thought I would look at the whole subject of my family.
The picture to the right is one taken many years back of my siblings and I.
Yes they are matching pj’s (my mom made them) and trust me I have done you all a favour by putting up the black and white version since those particular pj’s were made of a bright orange striped material. (And they wonder why I have mental health issues? lol)
When writing my original Passions Profile I wanted to be honest about the thing which I feel passionate about and include them regardless of whether that passion came from a good place or a bad place or how easy or difficult it would be to explore that passion.
When it comes to my family, I am grateful that it is nowadays mainly a good place that this comes from whilst being mindful that this hasn’t always been the case.
I should perhaps first explain that I have two families really. ONe the one hand I have my biological family. The family I was born into and grew up with and on the other hand I have my adopted family, a family I believe God put together in order to help us all grow and to heal.
For this particular section of the Passions Profile Challenge I am going to be focusing in the main on my biological family for no other reason than this is a mental health related blog and since my mental illness has been with me for as long as I can remember it without doubt impacted my relationship with my family and without doubt had a knock-on effect for the rest of my life.
But again I really don’t think I am alone in this. I wonder how many of you had or have relationships which also suffered or still do suffer at the hands of your mental health or people’s reactions to it?
Growing up as I did, in a time when mental illness had even more stigma attached to it than it does today and where that stigma also very much spilled over onto the siblings and especially the parents of any child with mental illness I hid my mental illness as much as possible.
Asking siblings if “they heard those voices too” only to be looked at strangely coupled with further ‘sympathetic’ and yet ‘oh so concerned’ looks when I self-harmed, did something reckless, or tried to commit suicide, as a child soon taught me that sharing my problems was not an option. Add to this the media presentation of mental illness at the time and the seemingly regular stories of people being ‘institutionalized’ as a result of their mental illness and you get the picture.
But such was the environment and society’s approach to mental illness within southern england and for a child of a ‘respectable family’ in the 60′s.
Looking back and with the benefit of hindsight and a far better understanding of how my mental health effected both me and my relationships, I can see how it directly impacted those relationships, my decision-making processes and indeed my behaviour.
MY father was Royal Navy and a chief petty officer to boot and was, as I said in my post the death of…, an anachronism.
He was a fine man and a dutiful husband and father. But one of the saddest realities of my life is that he never truly knew me nor I him. This being as a direct result of..
a) my mental health,
b) his strict upbringing and his raising of us in a similar way, and
c) my fear and paranoia and subsequent inability to communicate what was going on inside my head.
My father is dead now, and he never knew (as I never got to telling him) the full extent of my mental illness and there is an important truth to be understood in this.
Given the strict nature of my father, and given the fact that he was kept ignorant of my mental illness it is little wonder that he saw my behaviour as being poor, unruly even rebellious and thus responded accordingly. He can I think, in part, be forgiven this, can’t he?
BUT when you are that child, even the child hiding the mental illness, you are extremely unlikely to understand or even forgive said responses and it will without doubt have a very real knock on effect in your life and in your relationships with the rest of your ‘family’.
This morning I looked up the definition of the noun ‘family’ and saw the following result…
fam·i·ly/ˈfam(ə)lē/
Noun:
A group consisting of parents and children living together in a household.
I have to tell you that this definition is, to me, one of the most limited, empty and sad definitions I have seen for a long time. And yet I recognize that my reaction to it does in many ways speak more of me than it does of the definition itself.
Is ‘family’ only applicable to those living in one household? If an older sibling moves out do they cease to be part of the family?
But even more than that, where is the mention of; love, of support, of caring which should be present?
As a child my mental health without any doubt corrupted my perception and thus the accessibility of that love, that support, that caring. I t kept me in so many ways, whilst others might dispute this, apart from my family even though we were that “ group consisting of parents and children living together in a household.“
Some time back now I wrote to my mother, whom I now have an excellent relationship with, and tried to ask about her understanding, her perception of my childhood. I had decided it was time to be more open with my mother and my siblings about my mental health. In her response she mentioned several decisions I had made which hurt her or which she disagreed with and I can understand this.
What was extremely interesting however was the fact that most of those decisions (in fact all but one) I made as direct result of, or in direct response to, my mental illness. That same mental illness I had in many ways kept hidden from her for so long.
I don’t think I had before this seen such stark and finite examples of how my mental illness or perhaps more importantly my trying to conceal it, had damaged my relationships.
The sad part is that the same is true of my relationships with my siblings and even more sadly, whereas I have a much improved relationship with my mother now, those relationships with my siblings is still extremely damaged. I cannot begin to express how much this saddens me.
This of course has a knock on effect with some of my nephews and nieces, great nephews and great nieces. Which also saddens me greatly.
So yes when writing my Passions Profile my family on there as it is something I am very passionate about and I hope and pray that one day the damage that has been done can be repaired.
I mentioned before that I am blessed to have two families. My biological family and my adopted family. I love them both equally and I am so very blessed that in respect of my adopted family we have benefitted from many of the hurts experienced as a result of my mental illness and the lessons that I have learned with my biological family.
As a blogger who is totally is ‘out there’ and ‘extremely open’ about my identity and my mental illness I understand fully those who blog about their own mental health difficulties but so anonymously. I really do but I have to tell you that my personal advice, given my experiences thus far, is that if you have a family and are hiding your mental illness from them it might be worth sharing it with them and allowing them to be the source of the support, caring, and love that you need.
And since this challenge is not only about listing my passions but also exploring them, I leave you with that thought but will respond accordingly.
I am therefore going off now to write once more to my siblings in the hope of working towards repairing that damage I mentioned earlier.
