Of Roses, Walls, and Towers – Part 5 – Conclusion
When I started this series looking at the isolation in my life and indeed it’s possible causes I did so acknowledging a few things from the very beginning…
I acknowledged that I was and am isolated.
I acknowledged that this was not a healthy state of affairs.
I acknowledged that some of the fault or at least the responsibility for this has to lie with me.
I acknowledged the need for change.
I acknowledged that my faith as a Christian would be an important consideration in this series.
Whilst I had given the series and its subsequent posts some consideration (certainly enough to come up with an appropriate title) before putting fingers to keyboard I had not really anticipated where this series would take me, or what I would learn from it.
Now that I have reached the end of the series I had anticipated, I find that whilst I have realized some things as a result of it, I am still not entirely sure just where to go from here. But I do at least have a start and interestingly and appropriately that start is a bible verse that was running through my mind when I awoke.
The Vine and the Branches
1“I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener. 2He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful. 3You are already clean because of the word I have spoken to you. 4Remain in me, and I will remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me.
5“I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing. 6If anyone does not remain in me, he is like a branch that is thrown away and withers; such branches are picked up, thrown into the fire and burned. 7If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be given you. 8This is to my Father’s glory, that you bear much fruit, showing yourselves to be my disciples. [John 15:1-8 NIV]
It is, in fact, a passage of scripture that I have always had a particular fondness for and one that is particularly relevant to the thorns in my life but also to the walls and towers that I have looked at in this series.
In respect of thorns and roses a basic truth is that a rose cannot possibly bud where a thorn is already grown. The two just cannot occupy the same space and thus the thorns whilst offering defense and protection do, whether deliberately or not, also in some ways limit the potential for roses to grow.
Bringing this more in line with the analogy used in the scripture above my thorns, my walls and my towers inhibit and even block the growth of that fruit that is spoken of. This is of course a concern to me as a Christian – it is never healthy or advisable for any Christian to place obstacles in God’s way.
The plain simple fact of the matter is that the very existence of those thorns, walls and towers prove that I have either willfully placed those obstacles in the way or at best allowed them to develop in the way and for this I am sincerely sorry and regretful.
But there is of course hope. The fact of the matter is that I know they are there and that they should not be there. Additionally I have the assurance and encouragement of scriptures to motivate their removal from my life. So, as some of the comments have already asked, how do I do this?
Well, I guess the first thing I need to recognize is that I don’t as a Christian have to do this alone. “I am the true vine and my Father is the gardener. HE cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit; whilst every branch that does bear fruit HE prunes so that it becomes more fruitful.”
Of course that doesn’t remove my own responsibilities in this and doesn’t mean that He isn’t already working on that very thing or hasn’t already placed people and resources in my life to do just that.
Why am I even looking at this whole subject? Isn’t it possible that God has brought me to this place?
So since I do have responsibilities in this what are those responsibilities? How can I help bring about the changes that are obviously needed?
Regardless of the legitimacy of the presence of those thorns, walls or towers when constructed or adopted, I accept that I perceived a need for them at that time and responded accordingly. But I do so in full understanding that 1) this may not have been the best course of action even then and 2) that I am not the same person I was then and 3) my circumstances, life and situation are not the same now as they were then.
Because of this I recognize and acknowledge that a) even if legitimate then they may not be and are probably not now, and b) that their continued presence is probably not the healthiest option for me and thus a newer, healthier and more appropriate approach is called for.
Therefore in response to that acknowledgment and recognition I will therefore re-assess where I am today, whether those thorns, walls and towers are still necessary and helpful and to make every effort to remove or replace them with healthier and more appropriate choices and coping techniques. Doing so by following these steps…
Step 1. Enlist the help of someone (or more than one if possible) you trust and respect. If possible someone you are very close to and spend a lot of time with. Remember thorns grow outward, the rose doesn’t notice the pain they cause since the rose isn’t at the pointed ed.
Step 2. Has to be, in my opinion, to identify the thorns, walls or towers that exist in your life.
Step 3. Is to then try to identify their source, what made you have them, grown them, adopt them or construct them.
Step 4. Assess their legitimacy – both originally and now. (As a Christian God’s will is an essential consideration in this.)
Step 5. Assess their current need. You are not the person you were then and your life is not the same now.
Step 6. Assess their benefit versus their cost. The worth of something is often evaluated by comparing cost to benefit.
Step 7. Assess how and when they are employed or present – what triggers them? Having recognized this look out for them and also try to establish better responses.
Step 8. Consider healthier more productive and less harmful or detrimental coping techniques OR other ways of addressing the needs that motivated these thorns, walls or towers in the first place.
Step 9. Establish a way of healthily and positively being accountable in your actions, decisions and efforts in order to bring about the changes you want. (this should include regular and frequent reviews.
Step 10. Make a definite decision/commitment and start removing or replacing them with the more healthier or less detrimental coping techniques.
So I think I have the basis for change in my life. Of course I recognize that a great deal of what I have listed above is fairly general but that is in many ways quite deliberate. Are there specific things in my life that need to change in order for there to be an improvement in my levels of isolation? Yes of course and in respect of some these are things that I myself can change, in respect of others it really depends on others and their responses and in respect of yet others I can see no immediate way of bringing about change. But that is not to say that I can’t still work on these.
There is an old prayer more commonly known as the Serenity Prayer and it goes like this…
“God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference.”
Surely if there was one prayer that was so appropriate to trying to remove or demolish the thorns, walls and towers that we have built up over the years it would be this one.
But as I said before the rose doesn’t always notice the thorns because it is not on the pointed end. Likewise we don’t often notice the walls that we build as we are not the ones they are designed to block and not the one often left banging our head against them and as for the towers that we construct well they are by design comfortable to us as we are on the inside looking out not on the outside trying to get in.
So let me offer this rose, walls and towers, version of the same prayer…
“God, grant me they eyes and will and resources to remove the thorns, demolish walls and open up the towers that I have built and others the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to challenge and motivate and encourage me to change the things I can, and both of us the wisdom to know the difference.”
And to all those who I have hurt at the end of my thorns, blocked by my walls and kept out by my towers, please accept my apologies, and my regret and please know that I understand that all too often you suffered as a result of the actions of others and for this I am truly remorseful.
Of Roses, Walls and Towers – Part 4 – Of Towers
So far in this series designed to look at isolation I have discussed both roses (or rather their thorns) and walls and indeed both of these could be seen as fairly obvious factors when considering isolation. But in this the fourth part of this series I want to look at something a little different – that of towers.
Of Towers..
Born and raised in England from the 1960′s, knights in shining armor, castles, moats and towers were a common part of my childhood through television viewing, Saturday morning Cinema club, books, games and even school lessons.
In medieval England strong Towers were often built to provide security and a strong inner defense and to demonstrate strength whilst also providing the ability to see attacks coming from a distance. Additionally more temporary mobile towers were sometimes constructed in order to provide access over an enemy’s defenses. But what do ‘towers’ have to do with this series looking at isolation?
Well ‘towers’ are what I call anything (attitudes and arguments) that we put forward or construct in order to defend a position that we have taken or want to take and that we really shouldn’t have or really shouldn’t value quite so much.
For example: ‘I have mental health issues and often end up offending people so why bother investing in relationships that are only going to end when I do something stupid or weird?’ or ‘I regularly forget to take my meds so I might as well just not bother taking them at all.’ or ‘No one really understands what I am going through so it isn’t worth trying to explain it to anyone.’ And how about, ‘it is not worth my trying to achieve ‘x’ because I will only mess it up’
Now I am not trying to speak for anyone else here but I wouldn’t mind suggesting that I am not the only one who has these kind of ‘towers’ and that actually if we really take time and are brave enough to try, many of us could probably find such towers in our lives.
These ‘towers’ can be harmful and debilitating and yet the potential to adopt or construct them so very real.
Of course putting forwards arguments and justifications – no matter how fanciful or illegitimate they may be – for not doing something when we should or indeed for doing something when we shouldn’t is quite common place and whilst they may not be a good idea, it is the longer-term ones that I am more mindful of here.
Another interesting characteristic of such ‘towers’ is that they are very often over fortified.
I think there are two or three reasons for this. Isn’t it possible that we often over-value the very thing that we are defending? And likewise isn’t it possible that in response to the insecurity that we inwardly feel about the argument or position we have adopted we over-estimate the potential strength or effect of any possible attack.
And let us not forget that towers that are heavily defended or fortified are often burdensome rather than freeing and can hinder and even imprison us.
We become rooted to those towers if you will and thus everything we do can be impacted by them. Nomadic tribes do not as a rule build whacking great stone towers. They have temporary structures easily dismantled and packed away and this accommodates their transient lifestyle and there is I think a lesson to be learned from this.
If we adopt and construct whacking great towers in order to protect something our lives we are stuck to them. We have to invest in constructing them, maintaining them and securing/defending them. Isn’t it important therefore that we make sure that what we are defending or protecting is truly worth all that effort. They becomes attitudes and strongholds that shape our way of doing or not doing things.
‘No-one really understands what i am going through, so it isn’t worth trying to explain it to them.’
‘I have mental health issues and often end up offending people so why bother investing in relationships that are only going to end when I do something stupid or weird?’.
‘I regularly forget to take my meds so I might as well just not bother taking them at all.’
‘It is not worth my trying to achieve ‘x’ because I will only mess it up.’
These are not, I would suggest, arguments or positions that are either legitimate or worth protecting but sadly they are potentially present in my life and each of them do, either directly or indirectly, affect me and play into my isolation.
But they are perhaps, along with some others, arguments or positions that I have adopted and built towers around and that I neither let others challenge or readily challenge myself and that is harmful and detrimental to my mental health and obstructive to any future improvement.
I am convinced that such towers are so very harmful and that in my life there are numerous towers that need addressing and tearing down if I am ever going to heal.
And what about my faith in all this? Are there ‘towers’ in my faith-life that are not healthy?
‘It isn’t worth my getting back involved in leadership because my health won’t allow me to be reliable’
‘Letting people know that I have mental health issues as a christian is a bad witness.’
‘God can’t use someone as messed up as me’
Arguably the bible talks more of footholds and strongholds than it does about towers in this respect. As Christians we are taught that footholds afforded to the enemy can soon be converted into strongholds by them and we all know that strongholds – as the name suggests – can be very hard to pull down.
As a Christian I am very much aware that there is a spiritual consideration to everything and s very often in this blog I will make reference to emotional, physical, mental and spiritual health. I have long since been convinced that all of these can impact and affect each other either positively or negatively depending on the situation or circumstance.
I truly believe that as Christians we are subject to attack and that these attacks are often spiritual by nature. Indeed doesn’t the bible speak of this in such places as Ephesians 6, in the book of Romans and the book of Revelation?
Is it possible that some of these towers – the adopting and constructing and maintaining of them are resultant from spiritual attack or the influences of the enemy? Absolutely it is, in my opinion, but what is more relevant to me as a Christian is not so much what caused, motivated or encouraged their construction but God’s will in respect of their presence and their removal.
I have little doubt that just as there are thorns in my life that deter or that have deterred people from interacting with me and indeed walls that keep people away, there are also whacking great towers in my life that I am hiding in or behind and that need looking at, addressing and tearing down.
Of Roses, Walls and Towers – Part 3 – Of Walls
Yesterday, in part two of this series looking at isolation, I wrote about roses and thorns and how those thorns, whilst being a defense, all too often hurt others. In this part (Part 3) I am writing not of roses but of walls and whilst these are often built solely to block and not to hurt can’t they sometimes also hurt others?
“One of the things that life has taught me thus far is to try to be understanding when people put up walls in order to feel safe – in order to keep others out, to keep themselves safely in, to guard their most precious and treasured possession – their heart. Indeed haven’t I done the self-same thing myself in the past and possibly all too often? But what I really struggle with is not so much the walls that we build but the shards of glass and the barbed wire that some folk seem to place on top of those walls.”
The above statement is (as much as I remember of it) a quote from a conversation that I had with a colleague many years ago concerning our clients and how they so often end up isolating, withdrawing, and pushing people away. Sadly I have to admit that it seems to me to be as true today as it was when I first said it.
In it there is a recognition that we do often put up walls, barriers etc, and that sometimes those walls do come with brutal, severe added defenses such as the shards of glass and the barbed wire that I spoke of and I guess these resemble the thorns that I spoke of in yesterday’s piece.
Of course not all walls that people put up come with these additional more severe defenses. The thing about the walls that we build is that we build them to order and according to our perceived personal circumstances. Because of this some folk may have only one or two walls – carefully positioned around their biggest vulnerability, some a few walls, whilst others seem to have many walls. And let’s be honest here, haven’t we all at one time or another met someone, sadly even children, with whom it seems difficult to see where the walls stop and the person starts?
As a child, as a result of my mental health and some things that happened to me, I was very much like this – presenting as much wall as I was child.
Not that many would have noticed them however, because I had almost instinctively worked out that not all walls have to look wall-like and that actually the most effective walls are not wall-shaped but mask-shaped.
By presenting a mask, I – the real me; the hurt, frightened, vulnerable, confused, disturbed and lost little boy, could still attempt to separate, could still try to hide, could still hope to retain some resemblance of safety and yet to all intent and purpose seem perfectly ordinary.
Of course what I had not quite fully understood way back then, is that this mask shaped walls would remain with me way past my childhood. If you have a mind too, check out my poem “The Image Weaver” on my poetry blog. You can find it here ‘The Image Weaver‘ , or alternatively (if this works) you should be able to listen to is by clicking on the arrow below
The truth is that I wore those wall-based masks for years even in when most active and the truth is even in my most active most sociable state, despite the fact that I was a fully involved, extremely sociable, and a very active Christian leader I was, in so many ways, still that hurt, frightened, vulnerable, confused, disturbed and lost little boy. Why? Well partly because as much as walls – even mask shaped walls – lock people out they also lock you in.
And additionally as much as they keep people away from the hurts and the vulnerabilities that we feel all too often they keep us away from them or prevent us from getting to them in a way that they can be healthily addressed and dealt with.
And that is the thing isn’t it? In this series I am looking at isolation, how isolated I am, how it affects me and where it comes from. Just as, in the previous part of this series, I had to recognize and acknowledge my own responsibilities for the thorns (and their subsequent effects) that I had grown over the years, so too do I have to recognize and acknowledge the walls (even and especially those mask-shaped one) that I have built and to understand the effects of them.
The poem that mentioned above – The Image Weaver – is one that I wrote many years ago. I published it on my Deep From Within poetry blog back in 2009 and I wrote these words at the end of it.
“The difficulty is, and trust me it is so very sad when this happens, that sometimes we can put on so many masks and become so adept at creating and wearing them that we simply forget which face is the real us.“
Masks and walls can both have the same effect in this regard. We can lose ourselves, the real ‘me’, or lose the; ability, the understanding, the instinct to heal, to be real, to be us, to be free. To run naked and raw and open and honest and even vulnerable even in the relative security of the closest and most intimate of our relationships.
And walls are strange things, whether built subconsciously or even consciously we can all too soon forget that they are there and that they can themselves, influence, effect and even distort things – perceptions, understandings, relationships.
Of course the fact is that if they do exist in us they were built for a reason and the argument that they have served a purpose and protected us is a valid one – just as the argument that a roses (and our) thorns were grown for a reason is a valid one. But I have to ask – do those reasons (and thus the purpose and need for those walls) still exist?
In one way, and I am trying to be so very candid here, I have to say that since the very same walls that have kept others away from my deepest and innermost wounds, hurts, fears and vulnerabilities also tend to keep me away from them (or at very least prevent me from dealing with them properly) yes the need for those walls does in a way still exist. But the plain fact of the matter is that actually instead of investing my energy into maintaining those walls what I should be doing is investing my energy into finding healing for the wounds, hurts, fears and vulnerabilities.
And this is a key point is it not? For as I have already mentioned as much as those walls protect and defend they also imprison and corrupt and very often they are in control of us instead of us being in control of them. How many times have I (indeed have you) experienced the panicked sensation of those walls crumbling or closing in on us?
In this blog I try so very hard to be open and honest and it is my sincerest hope that by showing my pain and my fears and my vulnerabilities I can find some sort of release, some sort of help, and that at the same time others will also be encouraged or helped.
So that as I openly share each of the bricks that I have built one on top of the other I will metaphorically and practically remove each of them and instead of using those bricks to build walls start building bridges instead.
As I said in the introduction to this series, I am a Christian and my faith is very important to me and will no doubt be a key element in this series. Yesterday I spoke of my thorns in respect of my faith and having given my life to Christ and here today in this piece I must consider may walls in the context of my faith and my life in Christ. And in doing so I find that I am left with two essential questions/thought processes…
1. Do I have faith in Christ? Absolutely! Really? Then if I have faith in Christ why the need for those walls?
and
2. Have you given your life to Christ? Yes I have – many years back and several times since. And are your walls not part of your life? Yes of course. Then if you have given your life to Christ and those walls are part of your life, then those walls are now Christ’s and are His for you to do with what He wills.
Of Roses, Walls, and Towers. Part 2 – Of Roses.
Of Roses…
The Swedish writer Ellen Key (1849-1926) is reported to have said, “At every step the child should be allowed to meet the real experience of life; the thorns should never be plucked from his roses.“
They are sentiments that I can certainly agree with, although as a parent also ones that a part of me instantly questions.
Roses come with thorns and those thorns can hurt. Were my child to, in response to the fragrant beauty of the rose, reach out and roughly grab at the rose would it not cause him or her pain? Do I as a loving parent want for my child to feel hurt? And yet does not the feeling of that hurt teach the child not to grab the beautiful rose so roughly and in the process therefore not educate my child in some way?
Surely my child’s age and thus his or her ability to understand the purpose of those pain giving thorns must come into consideration here? Is he, is she, old enough to process what it happening and thus to approach the rose more delicately? And yet the thorns are not developed for the sake of my child but for the sake of the rose.
Would a true loving parent not have heartfelt compassion and indeed understanding when it came to the presence and indeed the effects of any thorns in their child’s life and decide when and how to remove them accordingly?
And there within we meet, I would suggest, just one of the considerations that all parents face at one time or other. When to protect the child from making mistakes and getting hurt and when to allow the child the freedom to make mistakes and get a little hurt so that he or she can learn from the experience.
But more importantly, or rather more significantly in respect of this piece, we also meet the reality that roses have – or so I am led to believe – developed those thorns specifically to act as a defense mechanism as their fragrant beauty attracts attention not only from bees and wasps etc (who do them little to no harm) but also of animals and people who do do them harm.
Now I have never considered myself to be a beauty and as far as I can recall neither have I ever claimed to be a rose but I would be remiss if I were not to acknowledge that in my life I have met any number of beautiful people who have as a result of their experiences developed their own thorns by way of protection in their vulnerability.
And that is the thing of it all. I may not consider myself beautiful but haven’t we all got something that is appealing about us and equally haven’t we all got vulnerabilities?
My children and my parents find my inability or at best reluctance to accept affirmation and to consider myself worthy of affection very frustrating. “I know you don’t see yourself this way, but you are beautiful” is a statement that is often used. Even my Momma’s song for me (we all share special songs with each other) is John Lennon’s Beautiful Boy for the specific reason that she does see me as being beautiful in her eyes and does recognize my vulnerabilities.
A lot has happened in my life and having experienced mental health issues all of my life – or at least as much of it as I can remember – I had and still have vulnerabilities and how no doubt that I have developed my own protective thorns.
In this series I am taking a close, open and honest look at my isolation, where it comes from, why it exists and indeed what it is doing to me. Can I truly do this without accepting that some of that isolation may well be resultant from the very thorns that I have consciously or subconsciously developed to protect me?
I look back at what few pictures of myself as a child exist and I can see those vulnerabilities and yes I will even admit that I can see that beauty that others speak of in me. And yet I also know those thorns we there growing and developing.
Whether needed in reality or simply in the perceived reality generated by my mental health they were there and I want to be very candid about this and admit that a very large part of me has to say that regardless of whether that reality existed or was only perceived it was none the less the reality that I knew and thus those thorns had a very real place and purpose.
Now don’t get me wrong here – at no point, in my personal situation, were they obviously threatening or obviously extreme but they did exist and did without doubt have a very real impact (albeit it often very subtly) on my relationships.
Just as a rose develops thorns to protect it and to influence and in some way control the way it is approached, handled and treated so too do we humans and so too did I. And I would venture to suggest that I am not alone in this.
So I have no doubt in my mind that those thorns did influence my relationships and have an impact on how people would treat me and respond to me. But perhaps more significantly I have to accept that those relationship (colored, influenced and controlled to various degrees by those thorns) then shaped and colored and controlled future relationships which in turn influenced future defensive thorns. There is a cycle here, a vicious circle isn’t there?
And what happened to those thorns? Did they fall off when they were no longer needed or have they remained? Or did others simply grow in their place or even develop and grow along side them? I have little doubt that they did/have and that saddens me greatly. But what saddens me even more is the thought of the relationships that have been lost or denied or damaged as a result of my thorns.
As I said before, In this series I am taking a close, open and honest look at my isolation, where it comes from, why it exists and indeed what it is doing to me. If I am to fully consider this I must consider those thorns, their effect, their possible existence and purpose in my life even now and indeed whether I need to work on removing some of them.
A rose is, without doubt, a thing of beauty and appeal and it’s beauty and appeal should be apparent and whilst the presence of any thorns understandable they should not be so great as to rob that rose of its beauty or to detract from it.
Of course, without wishing to reduce my own responsibility in this I also want to acknowledge that much of that is dependent on the person observing or approaching the rose and what they choose to focus on and/or see. I think it was the French critic Alphonse Karr who stated, “Some people are always grumbling that roses have thorns; I am just thankful that thorns have roses.” (Or something along those line.)
And is there not an even greater consideration here? As a Christian I have given my life to Christ and am an ambassador for Christ. Whilst those thorns may well have had a place and purpose in my life before and indeed may well have been designed as a deterrent and a defense, can I in all honesty accept their presence and function now? Am I not meant to be welcoming and inviting and to rely and trust in Christ?
Should I be allowing such thorns to prevent others from knowing me fully and thus having a chance to see Christ in my life?
Does Christ know of and understand those thorns in my life? Yes absolutely. Does He think any the less of me for their presence? I seriously doubt it. Does He want them in my life? Well in answer to that I have to return to the beginning of this piece and something that I said then…
“Would a true loving parent not have heartfelt compassion and indeed understanding when it came to the presence and indeed the effects of any thorns in their child’s life and decide when and how to remove them accordingly?”
Yes those defensive thorns serve a purpose in the life of a rose and indeed our defensive thorns can serve a purpose in our lives but at what cost?
Of Roses, Walls and Towers – A five-part series. Part 1 – Introduction.
If you read yesterday’s piece and it’s subsequent comments, you may well have noticed that isolation or more specifically my own isolation has become a prominent thought for me of late.
I really do think that this is an important issue for me at the moment and I am quite concerned about it and about how it is effecting me.
So I thought that I would continue my thoughts on this subject and do so in a five-part series (the first part being this introduction) called ‘Of Roses, Walls and Towers’ with the reason for the title hopefully becoming evident by the end of it.
What I am hoping for is an open and honest dialogue primarily with myself – (hm is that a dialogue or a monologue?) but also with anyone else who wants to get involved – and through this to come to a better understanding of where I am at and how my isolation is actually affecting me.
In this series I also hope to touch on the possible reasons why I have chosen or in many ways been forced into isolation and to consider ways in which these can be redressed.
Who knows, perhaps some of what I consider and share will ring familiar to others reading this and together we can look at ways of addressing this issue in mine and possible our lives.
At this point, if I am totally honest (which I hope to try to be throughout this process), I am just not sure where it will lead me. Perhaps it will result in my becoming less isolated or perhaps becoming even more so. All I do really know is that it is an issue that is very much on my mind and very much in my heart and thus I need to respond to it and to do so in a way that is open and honest and that has the potential to invite honest objective and constructive input from others.
But I want to post my ‘colors to the mast’ so to speak right from the get-go and to make it clear that I am a Christian and that my faith is extremely important to me. Because of this I don’t think I can fully consider this whole subject without recognizing my faith and indeed the calling on my life and indeed God’s will for me in it all.
I do of course respect the fact that others reading this may not be of the same faith as me and thus may not see this as very relevant or important. That is of course just as valid a position as my position that it is both relevant and important. So all I would ask is that in making comments and observations folk simply respect my right to my beliefs as much as I respect their right to theirs.
Kind regards,
Kevin
Sanity versus Insanity – I is on the edge
Don’t worry I am not turning all ‘Gangsta’ on you all, and actually when I say, ‘I is on the edge’ the ‘I’ is not referring to me. Let me explain…
I wonder if you ever think about the whole subject of ‘Sanity versus Insanity’? If so, I wonder what your understanding of sanity or indeed insanity is?
It is such a wide and emotive subject isn’t it? One that can often ignite passionate debate and let’s be honest here aren’t there numerous definitions of both sanity and indeed insanity out there? Legal definitions, country based definitions, state based definitions, general definitions?
And how about perceptions? What is the most common perception of someone who is ‘sane’ or someone who is ‘insane’? Could they be that someone who is sane would be seen as being; ordinary, calm, casual, an everyday Jo/Joe with someone who is insane being some sort of; erratic, threatening, maniacal character? Not healthy or accurate perceptions at all but I think quite common.
And how does a person change from being sane to being insane? Sometimes, for some folk, or so it seems, it can be sudden, instant, whilst other times it seems to be a gradual, progressive thing. Will it happen to me? How will it happen? Suddenly? Gradually? Will it ever happen to me? Has it already begun and I just don’t know it?
Have you ever thought about this kind of stuff or is it just something specific and peculiar to me?
I guess for me personally the whole sanity versus insanity consideration is resultant from my having mental health issues and the fact that my mental health often deteriorates quite drastically. Of course, I don’t think of sanity or indeed insanity in quite the same way as those perceptions that I mention above. But how do I think of them? How do I define them? It is difficult, isn’t it?
In many ways I guess I see sanity as being like an island in the sky.
Something special, valuable, worth treasuring, unique to each person, worth sharing and nurturing and looking after but also something quite extraordinary and even quite fragile.
In this analogy insanity would be something that one can fall into if you lose your footing in sanity or indeed your sanity crumbles beneath you or develops a gaping great hole for some reason. Or something you can fall into if for some reason you walk too close to the edge of sanity.
‘The edge of sanity’. It is not an uncommon phrase is it? Who or what is on the edge of sanity?
I is on the edge of sanity. But not just I as in me, myself and I. No, as I said before, I am not going all gangsta on you or losing my ability to write correctly. No I in this context stands for Isolation.
I really am becoming increasingly convinced that Isolation – for me at least – is indeed at the very edge of sanity.
Now trust me if anyone understand the need to break away and have alone time now and then I do but too much of it is without doubt, at least for me personally a very dangerous and unhealthy thing.
Without regular social interaction, conversation, human contact, real tangible, personal even intimate contact it is so easy to lose your footing, your grounding and to free-fall into the depths – even ( I believe) into insanity.
The trouble is that I prefer the isolation. I enjoy it and become (as Pink Floyd would have it) comfortably numb in it and that comfortable numbness is one of the biggest traps within it.
A few weeks back, my son and his partner moved back in with me whilst waiting to move into their new property and then last week my daughter Janey came to visit and is with me for another week. These two things combined have made me so very much aware of just how isolated I had become and indeed just how dangerous that has been for me.
Sanity versus Insanity I – for Isolation is on the edge? Absolutely and what is scary is isolation is where I have been living and it has already done untold damage.
When F words creep into conversations
I wonder how many other folk experience difficulty actually recognizing when their mental and/or physical health is starting to deteriorate?
For me personally my awareness of any deterioration in my health – be it my physical or mental health really does depend on how sudden or great the deterioration is and sadly there doesn’t seem to be a detectable or predictable pattern in respect of either my mental or my physical health and additionally one often impacts the other.
For example, in respect of one of my physical health issues – my CFS – it either hits me suddenly or seems to creep up on me and the same tends to be true of my mental health. Generally speaking, in respect of both my physical and my mental health alike I would have to say that any sudden change or deterioration tends to be quite radical and thus instantly recognizable. Although with my mental health I am not always left in a position where I myself am able to recognize that change.
Again, generally speaking, any gradual deterioration or change tends to be less noticeable – which of course makes sense really – and so can often be missed. And this leads me to ask myself two important questions…
1. Is it possible that there are signs and indications which are normally there when this happens and that could be picked up on if I, or those around me, were aware of them, and
2. Is it possible for those changes, especially in respect of my mental health, to be so gradual as to change who I am without my even knowing it?
In answer to the first question, I have to say that I think there possibly are signs and indications and if I had to give an example of them, in my own personal situation, they would primarily be present in conversations.
To explain that a little I should perhaps share that I personally live alone and seldom go out. So as a result of this, I have very little regular or frequent interaction with the outside world and so if anyone is going to notice something is wrong it would more probably than not be in my conversations and would I think be in the presence or the amount of ‘f words’ that I use. But possible not the f words that instantly come to mind since I seldom if ever cuss. Let me give you an example…
A couple of days ago, I got it into my head that I wanted to paint a design on my bedroom walls. Some months back now my son and his partner were kind enough to paint them deep green for me. (Not everyone’s taste I know, but I like them and they were kind enough to do it for me). But having had them that way for a few months now it suddenly occurred to me that it might be nice to break them a little by painting a design on them.
So I thought about it and came up with a concept and decided that I would do just that and so then set about moving all the furniture around so as to make room for the painting of this design. The problem is of course that moving all the furniture around was too much for me as, once again, I was not aware that I was just not physically able to do the job.
“Why did you start it?” Was the question asked.
“I just didn’t realize how fatigued I was.” came my honest if not seemingly dense reply.
“But you have mentioned feeling ‘fatigued’ several times over the past week or two.” came the response.
The truth is that I have been feeling fatigued for days even weeks now, and thinking back they were right. I had even mentioned it on several occasions when asked how I was coping or feeling. But somehow that fact hadn’t registered in my brain.
Ah yes that is one of those ‘f words’ – ‘fatigued’. And there are others…
‘Frustrated’ that is another f word and one that often accompanies it’s mate ‘fatigued’. Since I all too often get frustrated at the situation, and indeed myself, when I get fatigued and thus can’t do something – such as finish this darn design which in the past would have taken me less than a day to complete.
And there are other ‘f words’ too. ‘Fuddled’ and ‘Foggy’ being two that I apparently often use when someone asks me how my mind is and when it isn’t good.
‘Fuddled’ and ‘Foggy’. Certainly they are good descriptions of my mind at the moment and yes they are words that I often use when asked how my mind is. But there seems to be a disconnection between my knowing this enough to answer direct questions concerning the current state of my mental health and my continual awareness of my mental health.
It is, if this makes any sense and to use a nautical theme, as if in my ‘fuddled’ and ‘foggy’ state a direct question is enough to offer me just enough light for me to locate and steer in return a clear conscious thought but outside of that I am just bobbing along aimlessly – albeit often in a frustrated state.
Last night I couldn’t sleep (nothing new there) and so I lay there replaying what I could remember of the conversations that I have had recently and there are without doubt – or so it seems to me – certain things that I say which are in fact indicators that things are not what they should be. Those ‘f words’ that I have listed are indeed ones that do seem to fit that bill.
And following that ‘f word’ theme let me address the second question that I posed. “Is it possible for those changes, especially in respect of my mental health, to be so gradual as to change who I am without my even knowing it?“
F for ‘Foreign’. How I am now seems so very foreign to who I used to be.
Over the past months, perhaps even year or so, I have gone from being fairly active and fairly sociable to being far less active and quite unsociable. (Please don’t get me wrong, I am not antisocial just unsociable.) I really don’t have the inclination or the motivation to be with people and I am, on the face of it, quite content with being alone.
Things have happened that have somehow impacted me and I am not even sure what all of those things were any more. Actually I am not even sure I was aware of them all when they were happening.
Certainly there are things that I can put my finger on and which on their own seem fairly insignificant but which when combined have no doubt hurt deeply and had a very real impact on me.
Could it be that their effect has been so gradual, so residual, that they have changed me. I think I know me, and I think I know the me I was, and the me I am, and I am fairly sure that the me I am is ‘foreign’ to the me I was. And I have to question in all of this just how much of a role my mental health has had to play in it all.
Part of my mental health, and here is another ‘f word’ for you, is ‘fastidiousness’ when it comes to my expectations of myself. I have very high expectations and I postmortem everything that I do. Analyzing it and almost ‘fixating’ on it (almost but thankfully not quite fixating) to see if I could have done better, understood it better, reacted better, whether I hurt anyone, offended anyone, etc.
I hear or see some of the ways in which I respond to people or to situations (or more accurately I replay them and then notice) and I don’t like them and don’t recognize myself in them.
Of course that is not to discount the bad, sometimes hurtful behavior or words or wrong attitudes that sometimes cause those responses in me and at the same time I do feel that my mental health is so very ‘fragile’, ‘fractured’ and ‘frail’ at the moment and that it has actually been that way for a long time now.
So I can’t help but ask myself if this ‘foreign’ me is something I have created or become just in order to cope and to not experience another breakdown or alternatively if it is simply the person I have become as a result of all that has happened and that is going on with, in and around me?
But Soft! What Light Through Yonder Window – Oh who cares, just turn it off!
LOL No I have not been invited to take up the role of Romeo and prance around Capulet’s Orchard in tights in the Royal Shakespeare Company’s next performance of Romeo and Juliet. (Now there’s a mental image no one needs to have – me prancing around in tights)
And NO the light is not SOFT!
It is piercing and frustrating and whilst I am very grateful to God for blessing us with the sun and all its radiant light and warmth (much-needed warmth at the moment I might add) when you haven’t slept properly for days, the presence of that light though yonder window can be just a little irritating!
But actually it is a different kind of light that I am thinking of and very much grateful for at the moment. The light at the end of the proverbial tunnel and hopefully it isn’t just another on-coming train!
Over the past few days a great deal has been happening…
Lots of re-wiring being done in my house – for which I am very grateful and most delighted with the results,
A way too complicated design and printing job that I undertook for one of my neighbors, which is now finished!
Conceptualizing and Designing a new blog – which I have now also finished.
Maintaining a couple of websites.
Trying to sort out my finances.
Trying BUT FAILING MISERABLY to get some sleep!
I think my difficulty with and subsequent lack of sleep is the one aspect of my mental and physical health that I find the most debilitating and harmful of all. It has far-reaching effects on the rest of my health. It makes me too tired to exercise and fight my weight problem. It affects my focus and memory. It affords my mind far too much time to play games or tricks or to explore harmful avenues of thought.
Even the things that I love to do, such as writing and reading my bible, drawing, painting, blogging etc become too great an effort and yet I am so very grateful that I am still able to function to the level I am.
The Bible says ( I think in Psalm 121) that God (he who watches over Israel) “will neither slumber nor sleep” which is wonderful assurance for us all but on a slightly more humorous note if He needs someone to chat with in the wee small hours, I am usually awake and available LOL.
Although with my memory, focus and comprehension impaired the way it normally is when I get this tired, I am not sure how much sense I would make?
I am aware that the bible is not something everyone sets much store by and thus get much comfort from and indeed I do try not to push or to be seen as trying to push my personal faith on others but I will share that one Psalm that always gives me comfort is Psalm 63.
For me it not only recognizes our need but also who is the ultimate source of help and additionally and perhaps just as importantly it reminds me to keep on praising and remaining positive.
My heart goes out to anyone who has difficulty sleeping and I know from some of the comments that I have received and from visiting fellow blogger’s blogs that I am not alone in this difficulty. As for myself, I am so very tired and yet so very grateful for all that has been happening over the past few days and so very committed to ‘keeping on’ and indeed to strive towards that proverbial light at the end of the tunnel.
And if it is yet another oncoming train I will just have to leap out of its path! Let’s just hope that my Romeo tights don’t get caught on something as I am leaping.
Oops there’s that mental image again sorry!
A Hectic Day But One So Full Of Blessings!
Ever have one of those days when you have planned just doesn’t happen and yet what does happen is so much better?
Well today was one of those days and I am soooooooo happy!
I had a lay in this morning as a result of my having a particularly rough night with next to no sleep whatsoever as a result of my going through a very rapid cycling phase at the moment with mood swings coming fast and furious.
When I did get up and after I had partaken of my compulsory first cup of coffee – which is to me what antifreeze is to a car engine – I checked my emails and received notifications of the two additional nominations for the Versatile Blogger Award. What an excellent start to the day.
After writing a post thanking those kind bloggers who nominated me I decided that I would do some filing and computer work that I need to get caught up on. Not because of any dead-lines but simply because it has been on my mind of late. But my son and his partner turned up and took me into town for dinner and to buy some equipment for an extensive change around in my Internet system within my home and that my son and I have been discussing of late.
Because I am disabled and as a result of my health I live in a bungalow here in Ireland and one that is fairly long as a result of it having enough rooms for myself, my son, and the live in carer that I am meant to have but absolutely refuse to have.
This of course makes it harder to keep the place clean and tidy and I am a bit of a clean freak when it comes to my home but the main problem is that the signal from the wireless router that was installed in my study doesn’t reach all the way to the end of my bungalow. This therefore meant that it has been very difficult for me to sit in the comfort of my lounge and use my laptop or my android pad.
So Matthew and I had discussed moving the router into the hallway but there were a couple of major problems with this. Firstly there were no power points out there and secondly there were no telephone points out there.
But as I say, today Matthew and Trish took me into town to get some equipment and he has now not only installed a power-point and a telephone socket and moved my wireless router into the hallway outside of my study but also installed a power-point and a second wireless router at the other end of my bungalow. So I now have wireless access in ever room of my home and also in my garden and I am delighted.
Wanting to do a good job and keen to make sure that I remain safe, not only has he done this for me but he has also started to re-route all of the network cabling, telephone cabling and television cabling up through the attic space and down into the rooms. This way not only does it make my hallways look a lot tidier but it also means that there is less chance of me falling over any loose cables should they come free from the walls. It isn’t quite finished but since it is so late we will complete this mammoth re-wiring task sometime tomorrow.
Whilst Matthew was doing this I took the opportunity to install a couple of additional hands-free cordless telephones, one in the kitchen and one in my study and this means that I am now much safer as, since I have a habit of falling, no matter what room I am in (other than the bathrooms) there will always be a telephone handy should I need to ring him or the ambulance service for help.
I also took the opportunity to do something that I have been wanting to do for a very long time now. To clean my wireless keyboard by stripping it down, removing each and every key, and thoroughly cleaning them individually before then putting them all back. Something that has its risks not only because of the various springs and connections involved and the need to replace them all the keys correctly but also because in the past when I have been rapid cycling like this I have started a project of this type whilst manic only to then have m,y mood crash and simply not be bothered to finish it all.
So as you can see today (although technically it was yesterday now since it passed midnight a few minutes back) really was an excellent day. But I am so very drained now and really need to try to rest so I am going to try to go rest. Tomorrow is (as they say) another day and there is a lot still to be done.
Reality Television – Is It Society’s Attention Deficit Disorder?
Ok so it is gone 5 in the morning and guess who can’t sleep? Yep you guessed it!
Once again I find that my sleep is unsettled and broken. For the record I did actually go to bed early and indeed did manage to sleep (albeit restlessly) for a couple of hours and then I woke up. Just to add to the fun I then went to remove my breathing mask ( I have to use a CPAP machine when I sleep) and the mask broke in my hands. About a foot and half of sticky tape later and it is just about useable but I am somewhat frustrated about it to say the least. So I need to vent a little…
So I am awake and laying there and I zap the television to life with the remote control and start deftly navigating my way through the channels in search of something bearable to watch.
Saint’s preserve us there is a heck of a lot of dross on television early in the morning!! If I didn’t have mental health issues before I started watching twilight television I sure as heck would have by the end of it I reckon. It really is just an endless stream of tele-commercials and ‘Reality Television’
Now whilst I am certain that I gave the tele-commercial’s sugary sweet announcer’s earnest suggestion that my life, romance and appeal would be greatly improved by my purchasing the latest no wire one size fits all push up bra, I decided not to reach for credit card and phone!
hm, does this colour look good on me?
My man boobs are anything but perky and trust me one size fits all in my case just doesn’t work. It would be like trying to force two sacks of jelly into a couple of ice-cream cones. Just not gonna happen.
Which sad realization led me to the world of Television Reality Shows! Heavens above they are weird and is it just me or do most Television Reality Shows lack (um what’s the word I am looking for here? On yes that’s it) REALITY!
Now don’t get me wrong here, whilst I would be the first to admit that there is such a thing as good reality television I have to say that most of it is, in my humble opinion, just car-crash television. But what is worse is that it is often just a vehicle through which unscrupulous money-orientated television production companies prey on the less fortunate in life in order to make mega bucks and in the process use the tragedies and/or sometimes seemingly desperate need for attention or recognition of folk who need very real help to do so.
And I think that is the thing that concerns me the most in all this.
Those folk who desperately do need help and who really should not be allowed or encouraged to let themselves be paraded like performing seals just for the entertainment of the masses. Let’s be honest here. There are folk who crave attention in order to ‘achieve’ or to feel that they have ‘made it’ or that they have some worth in life.
The fact is that they already have worth and (at the risk of sounding like a grumpy old git) isn’t it a sad indictment of society and the values we hold if we are producing a culture where this kind of attention seeking is to be valued?
As someone who loves music and singing I consider myself to have a fairly good voice and at least a limited amount of talent when it comes to singing. My love of music and singing has meant that of the plethora of mindless dross of reality TV that is out there I have and do sometimes watch television talent shows such as Pop Idol, X Factor, The Voice of Ireland (possibly one of the better ones), and America’s (or Britain’s) Got Talent.
I admit it. Some of them I actually enjoy watching. But what I don’t enjoy (and I have to say I haven’t seen this happening on The Voice of Ireland) is when they show folk who clearly can’t sing or clearly don’t have the talent they thought they had and do so in a way that is demeaning or ridiculing or embarrassing for the person concerned just because it allegedly ‘makes for good TV’ .
We have to be careful here don’t we?
As someone who suffers from poor mental health I know that one of the symptoms of my mental health is altered perceptions. Sometimes I perceive things incorrectly. I know it, admit it and I trust on those who care for me and who love me to let me know when I am going through some wrong thinking. [Hey I just sat and photo-shopped a picture of me to make it look like I am wearing a bra and then I published it on the internet - how's that for wrong thinking? lol]
But seriously, where is the moral compass when it comes to what will or won’t be shown on the so-called ‘reality television shows’? Well I guess the plain simple truth is that if the producers and commissioners of such programs won’t use one then we have to be that moral compass and use the power of the ‘ratings’ and the ‘remote control’.
Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD) and Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) are very serious life-impacting conditions and I do not in any way mean to disrespect them or make fun of them through this article.
If anyone is offended by my using these terms in connection with the ever popular so-called ‘reality TV’ that is pumped through our televisions and the seemingly ever-increasing desire for ‘fame at any cost’, then I apologize and I hope that regular readers will know me by now and know that I mean no disrespect here.
But I think the point I am making through using this term is still valid and relevant. At a time when censoring and such things as SOPA and PIPA and the even more outrageous and deeply dangerous and concerning ACTA are very relevant I am not talking of censoring for the sake of censoring here. But what I am talking about is a very real need for good old common sense, decency, and mutual respect.
Mind The Gap! – Of Undergrounds, Couches and Functionality
Gaps are important, aren’t they?
They are all over the place, if you really think about it. But whilst we are aware of them on some level or another perhaps we all too often ignore them.
Of course sometimes they come with warnings…
Although I now live in Ireland, and have done so for several years, I grew in England and spent many a holiday up in London holidaying with family. So dashing to and fro on the London Underground was a very common thing for me.
Although I have very few specific childhood memories and indeed could not for the life of me remember even one of the many journeys I must have taken on the tube (the London Underground). I do still recall the yellow line and writing painted on the edge of the platforms of each Tube Station that read ‘MIND THE GAP’. Actually I also remember the loud public address system announcement that very clearly warned everyone to ‘MIND THE GAP’ each and every time a tube pulled into a station and the doors opened.
Of course some gaps can bring both bad and good fortune…
I think we have probably all lost things down in the gaps of the cushions of our couches/sofas and by the same token I imagine we have probably all found things down there that we never knew were there.
I can remember a time when the gaps between the cushions of the couch and indeed those around the sides and back of the couch were my son’s go to place for lost coins whenever he asked me for money and I had none on me to give him. 
Actually, having just typed that, I am reminded that there have been times when they were my go to place if I had run out of smokes and didn’t have enough cash to buy some.
But some gaps are less obvious and instead of coming with a warning actually are a warning….
Gaps in functionality are I think one example of this.
As someone who suffers from very poor physical and mental health I consider myself very fortunate (or in Christian terms very blessed) to be able to achieve the things that I am able to achieve and to function at the level that I am generally able to function at. Naturally I have good and bad days, good weeks and bad weeks, sometimes even longer periods, but I am grateful for how I am able to function most of the time.
But even when I am able to function at a high level is everything always ok?
Well, the honest answer has to be no. Even at my best I may still not be ‘right’ or ‘OK’ and there may still be things in my functionality that are going awry or that might be missed from time to time or even completely overlooked until they become a major issue.
There have been and are, without doubt, times when on the face of it things seem to be going OK and I seem to be coping well but actually if you look more closely there are gaps in my functionality that might not at first be noticed. These gaps in functionality are, I think, extremely important and can very often be indicators that something is not right. And sometimes, I believe, there are specific gaps that repeatedly appear and thus are good indicators, if we were to but notice them.
For example, in my own situation I usually live alone and I like to keep a clean and tidy home. But I suffer from both poor mental health and poor physical health. Interestingly, because of the conditions and illnesses that I have, both my physical and mental health, whilst never being good, do often cycle into severe episodes.
In terms of my physical health, when it decreases I am not able to maintain the level of cleanliness and tidiness that I would like and normally maintain for my home.
In fact, I remember being told off by one of my friends, when she called to visit me one day. She told me off for having told her that I was OK when I wasn’t. “Whose saying I am not OK?” I asked, still trying to maintain the impression that everything was alright.
“Your house is.” She answered, with a gentle smile. “Don’t get me wrong, it is still clean and tidy, but not anywhere near as clean and tidy as you usually keep it and that always means you are struggling with your health.”
She was right and no I shouldn’t have said I was alright when I wasn’t. But of course we are all human – yes even those of us with mental health issues are still human – and yes we all vary in our levels of functionality and very few of us actually like to admit it and thus be a burden to others.
But isn’t it also true that we sometimes choose to ignore those ‘gaps’ in our functionality because we want so badly for everything to be or to seem to be alright?
Just as my home, or it’s level of tidiness, is a gap that can often be an indicator in respect of my level of physical functionality there are gaps that are good indicators as my level of mental functionality.
The inability to; write fluidly, think cohesively, remember things, focus properly, manage my finances correctly, are all gaps in my functionality that appear when my mental health worsens.
These gaps in our normal level of functionality are, I believe extremely, important. So too is our noticing, acknowledging and responding to them and/or our caretakers or carers noticing, acknowledging and responding to them.
In this article I have mentioned one or two examples of the gaps which appear in my own functionality when my physical or mental health worsen and which are good indicators of their worsening. As I said above, these do not come with warnings as much as they are indeed warnings themselves.
One of the things that I need to do is, having identified these warning gaps in my functionality is to let those closest to me know what they are and to then be honest with them when they appear and to ask them to be honest with me if and when they see these gaps appearing.
Perhaps you can think of specific gaps that always or usually seem to appear in your functionality when you are struggling or beginning to struggle and which can be used as effective early warning signs for you and those who care for you?
If so, I hope that like me you will try to make those closest to you aware of them so that they too can help you.
Bipolar Disorder and Sleep Patterns Poll – Update
Hi all,
Firstly I want to say a really big THANK YOU to those who have reblogged the polls and encouraged their readers to participate.
I believe that whilst fairly basic, this will be an interesting poll and the more we can get to take it the more representative and thus useful it will obviously be.
For those who have missed the poll it is split into three sections and each participant is asked to give one (the most accurate for them) answer to each section. You can find the poll here Bipolar Disorder and Sleep Patterns – New Poll
Please be assured participants names will remain confidential and only the answers will be shared. I am able to confirm that at present 13 people have participated in the poll.
Again many thanks to all who have participated.
Kind Regards
Kevin
She
Very often, when I can’t sleep, my mind starts to wander. And that, more often than not, is not a good thing because it grants liberty to the voices and then to the bad thoughts.
So I divert it, trick it, preoccupy it.
Last night, whilst not able to sleep, I sat in front of the fire looking into the flames and I wondered how I would react if instead of it being me who suffered with mental health issues such as Schizophrenia and Bipolar disorder it was a loved one, a lover if you will.
Just how would I feel if I had a lover and if she had Bipolar Disorder instead of me…
She…
She fell,
Ashen and spent.
So fragile and delicate,
upon the hard granite hearth
that is her illness.
Static and empty.
The smallest of movements
created by the gentle wisps of breath
that encapsulated her.
And in her stillness
such beauty and yet such despair.
such fragility and yet such grace.
-oOo-
Only moments before I had been watching,
watching for what seemed like an eternity.
As she danced, spun, toppled, soared, dived, leapt.
Dancing involuntarily to the tune played
by the heat of the fire that is the mania
A fire that I could no more extinguish for her,
than experience for myself.
But now that fire has let her go.
Ashen and spent,
fragile and delicate
she lays before me
and before another world
her other world.
A world as dark, as desperate, and as hopeless
as the fire was radiant and fulfilling and alive.
Another world I truly cannot enter for her
or even hope that I could keep from her.
-oOo-
She.
She is beauty
She is wonderment
She is fire and she is ice
She is flame and she is ash
she is need and she is fulfilment
She.
BPD – The Snakes (Or Chutes) & Ladders of Mental Health
So apparently, ‘Snakes and Ladders’ as it is known in the UK and here in Ireland is more commonly known as ‘Chutes and Ladders’ across the pond in the USA. Who knew? Certainly not I. But if there is one board game that so readily makes me think of my life with Bipolar Disorder it is that one.
In the game you work your way to the end of the board and along the way encounter ladders that soar you higher and snakes or chutes then send you colliding down. Sound familiar?
Of course in the game whenever you land upon a ladder you seldom become so manic that; everyone thinks you are overdosing on red bull, think you are a the dalai lama or a ‘special one’, go out on a spending spree and buy fifteen sat navs/gps systems when you don’t even own a car, get distracted by such things as a fly breaking wind fifteen miles away, or talk so fast that not even a group of cattle traders could understand you.
And likewise when you hit on a snake or a chute you seldom get so depressed that; you just want to crawl under the board and hide, or even climb into the snake or chute and sleep forever, or become convinced that the entire board has been specifically designed by some deity, higher power or the universe just to get you, or find the next or highest ladder just so you can hang yourself from it.
Of course I am exaggerating and using a little humor in some of the above examples but whilst some of the above examples may be exaggerated or slightly humorous, trust me the stark contrasts between the extremes are neither exaggerated nor humorous and neither is the severity of the impact that such a condition can have on the sufferer and his or her family.
And here’s another piece of trivial information for you. Snakes and Ladders or Chutes and Ladders originated in India where it was known as moksha pAtam or vaikunthapaali or paramapada sopaanam - the ladder to salvation and for many of us who suffer from the condition the end and not having to experience it ever again truly is seen, in times of the depths of the despair and depression, as being a kind of salvation.
As a mental health blogger I have now been blogging about my mental health for over three years now. I know because I went back and checked and indeed the first posting on this blog was way back in January of 2009 and was appropriately called “Voices of Glass“.
Of course what I didn’t know way back then was that there is a whole community of other mental health bloggers and I am by no means suggesting that I thought I was the only one, it just didn’t occur to me to even consider if there were others. It was, and I hope you understand this, more about me getting out what was trapped inside me and letting others know that they were not alone, than it was about me needing to know I was not alone.
And that is I think another interesting parallel that can be drawn between the game and the condition. It is not a one player game and whilst you can indeed play it alone the fact is that there are lots of others soaring up those ladders and crashing down those snakes or chutes and I have to tell you, having some idea of what they are experiencing in both the soaring and the crashing my heart goes out to each and every one of them.
You see I am not just a mental health blogger, I am a reader too and I visit a number of other blogs, many of which having similar themes to this one, and I do so knowing that I cannot help but invest of myself in what I am reading and in the sufferings of those who share it with me. I don’t know how to read other mental-health sufferer’s work dispassionately or clinically. I don’t know how to just read and move on.
Because whilst I may have used a simple well-known board game as a picture or example of this mental condition/illness and whilst I may have drawn a number of parallels from it along the way there are a couple of truths here that totally separate the game from the reality…
Firstly, whilst snakes and ladders or chutes and ladders is a game that friends and family can all get involved in and whilst friends and family can indeed get involved in the life of a Bipolar Disorder sufferer, the fact is that they can never truly know what those ladders or those snakes or chutes and the desperate opposing realities of difference between them are truly like unless they too also suffer from the illness.
Secondly, and more importantly, Bipolar Disorder is not a game. It is life and it is death and it is the expansive wilderness of isolation that lies between the two. Until those realities are understood and accepted by those who look on, even those who look on in caring and love, the isolation that I speak of and that we sufferers often feel will always be there.
Where am I in the midst of this real-life struggle of snakes or chutes and ladders? Am I level, or soaring up a ladder or crashing down a snake or a chute? What does it matter? Is it more important were I am or where you are in all of this?
If indeed I am soaring up a ladder ready to soar out of control then standing at the bottom shouting, “Come down! It isn’t safe up there! You’ll do yourself harm!” isn’t going to help one little bit. I need you to somehow try to climb that ladder and lead me down. And yes I know the seeming impossibility of what I ask.
If I have crashed headlong down that snake or chute and am swimming naked and raw, lost and alone through a quagmire of desperation, then standing at the top looking in and shouting, “Come back! Climb back up! It isn’t safe down there! You’ll get hurt or end up hurting yourself!” is going to do nothing to help me. I need you to somehow climb down and get me. To wrap your arms around me and to hold me safe and warm and to protect me with your love and somehow wash me clean with your tears.
Where am I in the midst of this real-life struggle of snakes or chutes and ladders? I am here – now tell me this. Where are you?
I and Mine’s Theory of Relativity.
‘I and Mine’s Theory of Relativity’ reads thus….
“In any situation where one subject is assessed relative to another or to multiple others, the potential for absolute validity of assessment is directly proportional to the number of absolutes and/or variables (especially the variables) used within the making of said assessment.
However, wherever and whenever ‘I’ or ‘mine’ factors are introduced to said assessment the shape, form and effects of those absolutes and variables are subject to potential change as a direct result of the positive and negative effects of those factors and indeed how they are introduced. Thus, unless said influences are counteracted by the introduction of an appropriate and adequate impartiality factor, the resultant validity of said assessment is questionable.”
Ok So I’ll come clean. “I and Mine’s Theory of Relativity” doesn’t really exist, or at least it didn’t until now. In fact I formulated it after giving the whole subject of “comparing ourselves to others” a fair bit of thought lately and I named it as a result of its content and the phonetic play on Einstein’s Theory of Relativity. But does that make it any the less relevant or true?
I think the major problem with comparing ourselves and our circumstances/difficulties to others is that it is seldom a good idea as there are without doubt a number of ‘I’ and ‘Mine’ factors involved in this.
As I mentioned in the theory, the number of absolutes and especially variables in any given assessment will have a direct and often negative effect on the validity of the assessment. Likewise, when ‘I’ and ‘Mine’ factors are introduced, how they are introduced and who introduces them can also cause that ‘number of variables’ to increase greatly.
So let’s take a look at that for a moment…
Firstly, we can seldom tell exactly what is going on in someone else’s life or how they are truly handling things and so any assessment based on that consideration will to some extent be guess-work which of course is a very definitely a variable.
Additionally we seldom have all the facts concerning other factors in that person’s life and this therefore increases the variable. So right from the get go our assessment or comparison is on very shaky ground and thus the validity of any results is therefore extremely dubious.
Secondly our perspective of ourselves in relation to others is often flawed. Especially when we experience mental illness as all too often we also (as a result of our difficulties with mental health) consciously or subconsciously have a poor or lowered estimation or image of ourselves.
Because of this, unless we are very careful, any positives that we assign to the other person can all too easily serve to heighten or increase the negatives that we apply to ourselves.
Thirdly, all too often the idea of a comparison or assessment of our self or our difficulties/circumstances relative to another person is all too often introduced either by that person or a third-party. And in most cases there is already a history in place which will shape (either positively or negatively) the comparison or assessment and it is extremely difficult to obtain a clinical, detached, or accurate comparison or assessment under these circumstances unless (as the theory suggests) these influences are counteracted by the introduction of an appropriate and adequately impartiality person.
Two very important factors to remember here are 1) that we are all unique and 2) that when it comes to pain, suffering and difficulties these are all extremely personal and individual just as are our abilities to cope with them or to conquer them are extremely personal and individual.
Because of our uniqueness and the personal and individual nature of our difficulties no comparison with, or assessment relative to another, is ever going to produce exact or totally valid results.
It is for these reasons and because of “‘I’ and ‘Mine’s’ Theory of Relativity” that I think any comparison or assessment of ourselves relevant to another is potentially terribly flawed, unhelpful and often unhealthy UNLESS we can be absolutely certain of total impartiality in that assessment. And even then I would question its wisdom, usefulness or healthiness.
In Shakespeare’s Hamlet ( I think it was Act one Scene three but I am not sure of that) Polonius tells his son Laertes “To thine own self be true” Of course Polonius meant it in a different context to how I am going to use it here but there is great wisdom in those words.
“To Thine OWN self be true”.
Not to anyone else’s self but to ‘thine own self.’ I am not you and you are not me. Likewise I am neither any one of my brothers or my sister, nor am I my mother nor my father and what is more I cannot possibly be them.
That is not selfishness that is reality. I am me and it is to me that I must stay true because it is me I ultimately have to live with and only I have my specific mental, physical, emotional and spiritual – nature, perspectives, history, challenges, abilities, hopes, and difficulties.
But let me offer one final observation before closing what is already a very long posting. And I really do apologize for its length but I did promise I would write a posting on relativity and comparing ourselves with others and I really do think it is a very important subject.
I am convinced that truth without love is like a tear without release. It enables little, heals nothing, and expresses even less. So to borrow from Polonius and Shakespeare and indeed to add to what they said…
“To thine own self be true and do so knowing this can only fully be achieved in love.”
God bless.
Out of Whack Again!
It is past midnight and I am sat at my desk feeling like death warmed up and trying to struggle through.
In truth I really don’t feel like talking to anyone and so have not even turned on my Skype or Facebook chat or Google Talk or anything today. This is not so much a desire to isolate as it is a need not to connect. I am fairly sure that others who are reading this will be able to identify with both that “state” and that “statement”.
In fact I got up fairly early this morning despite feeling the way I did and again “tried to struggle through” and actually I did manage to do some light housework – dishes, laundry etc but was then forced back to bed as a result of being devoid of any energy.
Even when I got up this evening it was only to make it as far as the armchair and to stay there until now (other than frequent visits to the bathroom). As I am typing this my arms and muscles are aching and my eyes and head are so very heavy. These are all symptomatic of my Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and of depression both of which I am experiencing at the moment. Although the level of muscle aches would indicate CFS more than depression.
The frequent visits to the bathroom are as a result (I now know) of my blood glucose levels being ‘totally out of whack’ as my American friends would say and it is one of the things that seems to happen when I begin to crash like this. – Everything seems to impact each other in terms of my mental and physical health.
This can of course be overwhelming and I am at least fortunate in as much as my son and his partner are currently stopping with me and therefore able to look after me. I am going to go lay down and to try to rest some in order to be able to function at a level where I can at least achieve some things tomorrow.
Sadly this is not new to me but on the positive, because it is not new to me I am at least able to know how to deal with it
Bipolar Disorder and Sleep Patterns – New Poll.
Ok here is something different and please understand that this is new to me and so I am still muddling my way through it all – so please bear with me.
As a result of my own experiences, an article I read recently and a subsequent post that I published here on Voices of Glass, the whole question of sleep patterns within people who suffer from Bipolar Disorder has started to really interest me.
So in response to this I thought I would draw up a little poll or three and invite folk to share their own experiences.
I really hope you enjoy doing this and that I haven’t messed up the design of it.
Below you will find three very short polls. All you have to do is choose one answer that is most accurate for you personally in each of the three sections.
Due to the way the polls are set up (or at least my very limited understanding of how they are set up) I have had to keep them fairly basic. So if you are on mediation that affects the answers to the following questions please answer as if you were not taking medication.
Thank you for doing that poll, now please choose one from the following…
And finally this one…
I am so very grateful to you for completing these short polls. I will be covering their results in a later post but I think I have enabled you to see the percentage results yourself.
If you run a mental health blog yourself, I wonder if you would please consider covering or reblogging this post and placing a link to it on your blog so that we can increase the potential numbers of folk participating?
Many thanks I really do appreciate it.
Something worth sleeping on.
Well the good news is that despite being exceptionally tired, I managed to get through yesterday’s hospital appointment relatively unscathed. Well apart from the massive amount of blood that was taken from me for testing, and the six-inch needle that was delicately inserted into my not so delicate gluteus maximus. Which I have to admit was a bit of a pain in the … (ok, so you get the picture)
Especially seeing as half-way through administering the injection the Doc remembered that he had forgotten to lock the consulting room door and so simply wandered off to lock it – leaving the needle based syringe just sticking out of me unsupported other than by that very long needle and it’s extremely wide target!
But then administering that particular treatment is a relatively lengthy process and I guess some form of decorum and sensitivity should always be observed especially when your patient is stood there with his trousers and underwear down around his ankles and his not so final resting place on full show!
The other bit of really good news is that all of the blood tests from my last visit came back showing really good numbers. Liver functionality, potassium levels, blood-glucose levels (a little high but nothing to worry about at this point), cholesterol levels etc all very good. So I a very pleased at the moment if not just a little tender and even more tired as a result of such a long day.
And talking of resting places and being tired, spending so much time at the hospital with little else to do did give me a chance to do some reading online and I came across an interesting study on Sleeplessness and Schizophrenia.
One paragraph in an article from – “Sleep Review” – ‘the journal for sleep specialists’ (which is actually a fully legitimate medical magazine and not just a periodical magazine for unemployed teenagers LOL) reads…
“We know many of the patients are essentially suffering persistent jet lag with their body clocks out of synch with day and night. This immediately opens up a lot of new avenues for research in understanding the links between sleep problems and mental ill-health. But regardless of whether or not there is a mechanistic link between the body clock and psychiatric conditions, it is clear that treating sleep problems could improve the lives of many patients,” said Russell Foster, head of the research team and professor at Oxford University.”
You can read more of this article here but it begins with the statement…
“British researchers have found that people with schizophrenia have profound disruptions in their sleep patterns, including irregular body clocks that are out of synch with the pattern of night and day. The researchers argue that the extent and severe nature of these long-term sleep problems should warrant treatment along with other symptoms of schizophrenia, as they have a strong impact on mood, social function, mental abilities, and quality of life.”
As a schizophrenic myself, and one who has (as regular readers of this blog will know) major problem with sleeplessness, I found this article extremely interesting and I truly believe that it could also have implications in respect of other mental illnesses.
One paragraph in this report which also especially attracted my attention and which led me to the aforementioned conclusion was this one…
“The findings, published in the British Journal of Psychiatry, showed a severe disruption in the sleep patterns of all 20 patients with schizophrenia enrolled in the study, despite their mood being stable and each being on a regular drug regime. “
“…despite their mood being stable and each being on a regular drug regime” now there is an interesting statement don’t you think?
The benefits of getting ‘adequate sleep’ have long since been discovered and accepted just as, I believe, the disadvantages or negative impact of not getting ‘adequate sleep’. But I think we have to consider whether or ‘sleeping for x amount of hours’ automatically equates to getting ‘adequate sleep’?
The benefits of anti-psychotic drugs, mood-stabilizers and antidepressants are obvious. But I can’t help wondering whether they remove all of the effects of mental illness on the brain or whether they, along with our own cognitive behavior, simply reduce them to a more manageable level?
And I ask this because if the latter is true then it certainly allows for the consideration that actually even whilst we are asleep our brains are still functioning in difficulty. I raise this point because I think that many of us, myself included, do or have at some point or another seen sleep as a respite from having to deal with our mental illness.
If indeed our brains are very much still – even though we are sleeping – suffering from the effects of our mental illness this will of course potentially have tremendous effects on the level of benefit we may gain from our sleep and thus on our over-all well-being.
Doing all we can, therefore, to enable or encourage good or ‘adequate’ sleep for ourselves as mental illness sufferers (or for those whom we love whom experience poor mental health), has got to be advisable therefore. Because whilst we may not be able to totally control what happens to our brains whilst we are sleeping surely we can influence and to some degree control such things as; the environment in which we sleep, the levels and types of stressors we encounter and/or the number and types of stimulants we ingest or that we take in audibly or visually immediately prior to sleeping and the number of hours that we afford ourselves in which to sleep. Because doing this perhaps we will increase our brain’s chances of actually getting the ‘adequate sleep’ that we so obviously require.
And that is certainly, in my opinion, something worth sleeping on!
Bipolar Disorder – What will my children’s inheritance be?
Now whether it is as a result of my environment – having spent the day sat in hospital today with very little to distract my mind – or whether it is just that this thought has only just filtered its way through the cacophony of thoughts that have been bombarding my consciousness lately, I cannot tell.
But what I can tell is that the whole subject of the genetic implications of Bipolar Disorder and indeed how my bipolar disorder will affect my children have very much been at the forefront of my thoughts today.
As a parent who has been diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder the question, “how likely is that my child (or my children) will also have Bipolar Disorder?” is I think a perfectly natural one and I would suggest one not only asked by parents.
Certainly it is my understanding that when it comes to genetic factors associated with Bipolar Disorder, the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry (AACAP) state that studies focused on twins, adoption, and family history, have demonstrated a strong role that genetics plays in the development of bipolar disorder and that those with first-degree blood relatives who have or had bipolar disorder increased their own risk of developing the disorder by four to six fold. (1)
And let me tell you that as a parent who has been diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder myself that is, at first, quite a scary thought!
Actually in my own situation it is fairly academic at this time. The fact is that I already have children. In fact although I was aware of my mental health issues even as a child – primarily because I ‘heard voices’ (which are actually associated with my schizophrenia) and exhibited numerous other symptoms – the diagnosis of Bipolar Disorder was not made until much later in life and long after the birth of my son. In respect of my adopted children of course any one of them could possibly have Bipolar Disorder.
So if this is the case then why am I even considering the question, “Bipolar Disorder – What will my children’s inheritance be?”
Well the reason is simple. It is because a) even though this diagnosis, for me personally, came long after the birth of my son, the fact is that I probably had the illness long before his conception and b) because when it comes to Bipolar Disorder and our children, their inheritance is surely more than just the sum of our genetics.
Actually those who know me well will know that I have numerous children – one biological and several adopted. And let me tell you that in terms of differentiating between them ‘genetics’ is about the only area where I consider my biological child to be different to my adopted children.
In terms of my biological child, he is now 21 years of age and thankfully I see no indicative signs of his having inherited the illness (although that in itself is no guarantee) – and the poor lad didn’t get away totally free – he still has many of my characteristics and features poor thing. (Is there any hope for him I ask?)
And I think that is an important fact to remember. The above mentioned statement from AACAP does NOT in any way suggest that children of Bipolar Disorder sufferers WILL inherit the disorder just that the changes are significantly (my definition) increased.
In terms of my adopted children some of them do indeed have mental health issues which of course have no link to my genetics since we are not biologically linked.
So that leaves us with the other consideration to consider – that when it comes to our children what in respect of our Bipolar Disorder will their inheritance be outside of any genetics?
I have to be totally honest here, and certainly this is a question that Stephen Fry tackled in his documentary ‘The Secret Life of a Manic Depressive’, in amongst the pitfalls, drawbacks, often traumatic and sometime devastating effects of this illness I experience numerous blessings and rewards that whilst I cannot prove are directly linked to my having Bipolar Disorder I am convinced are greatly influenced by it.
Do I have Bipolar Disorder? Yes, I do.
Does it often place me and those around me in a position of having to deal with manic episodes that include such things as; expansive or irritable moods, a decreased need for sleep, racing thoughts, rapid or pressured speech, inflated self-esteem or grandiosity, excessive involvement in pleasurable but risky activities, increased physical or mental energy or activity and even hallucinations or delusions? Yes absolutely!
Does it also place me and those around me in a position of having to deal with many opposing things such as; frequent sadness, hopelessness, decreased interest in activities and/or an inability to enjoy previously favored activities, along with bouts of persistent boredom, decreased energy, social isolation, poor communication, low self esteem and even guilt? Yes it does!
Can I often be extremely sensitivity to rejection or failure, demonstrate increased irritability, anger, or hostility, have great difficulty with relationships and even be unable to undertake regular activities or hold down a proper job as a result of all of these things plus; poor concentration, major changes in eating or sleeping patterns, coupled with compulsive urges to run away and hide and even because of the regular thoughts or bouts of suicidal thoughts or self-destructive behavior? Again absolutely.
But is this all I am? NO not in a million years! Does it make me unbearable? NO of course not! (well only sometimes lol) Would I want others and especially my children to see me as JUST a Bipolar Sufferer or to have any idea that being a Bipolar Sufferer makes the sum total of my life NOT worth living? NO, NO, NO, NO, NO!
I am a Bipolar Sufferer and I have other mental illnesses to boot and I will not deny this. But neither will I apologize for it and neither will I teach my children to be ashamed of, embarrassed by, or even mournful of it. Because the minute that shame, that embarrassment or that mourning becomes the focus then I, the person behind the illness, the parent who wants so desperately to demonstrate his love for them despite that illness, become lost and no child needs to lose the right to his or her loving parent and no loving parent needs to lose the right to his or her children.
Bipolar Disorder – What will my children’s inheritance be? Well if I have anything to do with it my children’s inheritance will be this….
A realistic knowledge of it.
A healthy understanding of it.
A real and reasonable expectation of the person who has it.
The ability to see, reach out to, relate to, and love the person who has it.
and above all else, the ability to be loved by the person who has it.
That, I pray, will be my children’s inheritance when it comes to Bipolar Disorder and here’s the deal, not only do I want that for my children in respect of their Dad who has bipolar but I also want so much for it to be for themselves if any of them do have it.
A Whale In A Sardine Can and A Sprat In The Sea
Yes I know that is a really strange title for a post but hey you should know me and strange titles by now and I promise it does make sense really.
First the Whale in a Sardine Can.
Tomorrow I am off up county for more treatment. This entails me getting up extremely early tomorrow morning, making my way to the pickup point and then being collected by Hospital Transport and driven for a couple of hours up country to my appointment followed by a particularly long and tiring day before doing the whole transport thing in reverse in order to get home again.
Now please don’t get me wrong here. I am totally sincere when I say that I really do appreciate having hospital transport as a service available to me here in Ireland and in truth I have no idea how I would make the journey and thus get my treatments if it were not for hospital transport.
However, hospital transport in this case means a particularly long and bumpy ride in a particularly small, narrow and very crowded mini bus and I am neither small nor am I narrow nor am I a very good traveler at the best of times. In fact I am quite the opposite.
So if you want to imagine what it is like then picture yourself taking a whale jamming it into a sardine can, attaching the whole thing to the tail of a dog and letting a cat run past. There now didn’t I promise the title would make sense and certainly that is the ‘Whale In A Sardine’ part covered.
Which of course only leaves the ‘Sprat In the Sea’ part…
For those of you who are unfamiliar with “sprats” (and I say that because I am mindful that this blog is read by people from numerous countries but unsure whether Sprats are actually called sprats in those countries) a sprat is also called a brisling or a bristling and is a small fish from northeast Atlantic waters, among other places, that is often smoked and canned in oil and sold as – yes you guessed it – a sardine.
In much the same way that a sprat is small and living and not only very insignificant but also at great risk within an a very large sea, so too does my sanity seem at the moment. Within all the thoughts that appear to be swimming around my mind lately I am sure a small sprat-like healthy and rational thought or even a small school of them is in there somewhere. Only tr0uble is that they really are so very small, insignificant and pretty much lost within such a big sea.
I have little to no doubt that actually this is but a continuation of what has been happening to me in respect of my mental health over the past couple of days but I have to admit that it does worry me some.
On a more positive note I am far more stable today/tonight than I was last night and I really do think that taking it easy all day today has helped in that respect. I am however extremely anxious about what effect tomorrow’s traveling and hospital visit will have on me. Actually I could very well have cancelled the whole thing tomorrow and rearranged it for another date but I am keen to try to push through it all and to see what happens.
Perhaps this will prove to be unwise and those little sprats of rational or healthy thoughts will be swallowed up by the seemingly larger and more aggressive irrational and unhealthy thoughts or maybe this will prove to give me greater confidence in respect of dealing with these situations in the future and what little rational and healthy thoughts appear to be there at the moment will survive. I rally don’t know. BUT I am keen to find out.
Crazy Glue, Internal Dialogues and Coffee
Growing up in England and now living in Ireland I know ‘Krazy Glue’ as its more common name of ‘Super Glue’. But I have to admit that I much prefer the ‘Krazy Glue’ name – not least of all because I can replace the ‘K’ with a ‘C’ and use it as part of a title for a post and as a tongue-in-cheek explanation of what often happens after an episode like last night’s one.
Last night, as readers will no doubt have noticed, I had a manic episode. I had been feeling weird pretty much all day long and this all culminated in a fairly severe manic episode late last night. During a lull moment in all of this I decided – wisely or unwisely (that has yet to be determined) to journal what was happening here on this blog. Part of me needed to verbalize what was happening and part of me wanted others, who may either experience similar things themselves or have loved one’s whom they see experiencing them, to know that they are not alone.
The good news is that I did manage to survive the night and to do so without inflicting too much harm to myself or anyone else. I confined myself to my bed and refused to allow myself out of it regardless of the temptations and the irrational thoughts etc. Actually, whilst not being entirely successful and whilst there was indeed some manic pacing involved I did manage to stay within the confines of my room and indeed a lot of the time to the confines of my bed.
Unfortunately at some point during the early morning someone crept into my room and glued me to my bed and it was virtually impossible to drag myself out of it this morning. This is nothing new and happens every time I go through a manic episode like the one last night.
Regardless of the time of day that the manic episode takes place the consequence is nearly always that I expend so much mental energy during them that I am forced to my bed to rest afterwards. Once in bed there I stay and there I have to stay until I re-charge so to speak. I call these the Crazy Glue moments.
Of course Crazy Glue moments don’t ensure sleep moments. Sleep and I have a strange relationship as many of you will know. Somewhere in my past I must have done something to really upset sleep and since then it refuses to spend very much time with me at all.
No, very often theses Crazy Glue moments simply place me in a captive state where I am left with very few diversions from the internal dialogues that often go on at these times and indeed very much during times of my mania. Way back in April of 2009 I wrote a post on these dialogues and if anyone is interested or think they may experience similar things you can find that post by clicking here “The Dialogue of Me, Myselfs, and I” or by clicking on the Contents Page and finding it in the list of contents.
Thankfully these Crazy Glue moments don’t usually last for more between a few and several hours and whilst I may still be a little manic, the level of mania does subside a little during them. The Crazy Glue eventually wears off and I can drag myself out of my bed and reward myself with a much welcomed cup of coffee and also provide myself with some diversion from those dialogues. Thus I can attempt at having an almost normal day – albeit one that is struggled through as a result of still being totally drained.
So that is where I am at right now. I managed to drag myself out of my bed, get dressed, make a coffee and get to my desk here in my study. I am so very tempted to go straight back to bed but instead will simply make sure that I do my best to rest (not sure relaxing is even possible at the moment) when I need to today. I did however, want to take a moment to ensure folk that I am ok and to thank those who were kind enough to contact me and offer words of encouragement.
Rapid Cycling Thoughts and Moods
Rapid Cycling is very often used to describe the fast flip-flopping that Bipolar sufferers can experience in their mood cycles. Up one day, down the next day and so forth and so on.
Whilst it is possible, from what I understand, for a sufferer who normally experiences slower more protracted cycles to suddenly experience a period of rapid cycling it is I think fair to say that my understanding is that bipolar suffers generally fall into one of four camps. Those who slow cycle, those who rapid cycle, those who experience a mixture of both, and those for whom no real pattern has yet been identified.
Actually, if I am honest, I have very real difficulties with the differing scales or guidelines that are used in order to qualify someone as rapid or non-rapid cycling. Additionally, and I am speaking from experience here, I think it is not uncommon for bipolar sufferers to have short isolated episodes of rapid cycling even in the course of one day. Of course that may not fit into the frames set up by the experts but sadly my mental illness has yet to learn to be compliant with the experts’ definition and I have to say I know of very few people who’s mental-illness has.
I mention this because today has been one of these days for me. I am up, I am down, I am agitated, I am compliant, I am focused, I am confused. I find myself going through all of these things and to be totally honest here I am typing this post extremely quickly for fear that my mood or I will change before the end of it and just delete the whole darn thing.
Over the past 20 minutes of so my mind has been racing. Numerous thought processes all going at once, undertaking numerous tasks all at the same time, Devising and designing grandiose plans for my home that I know (now I am slightly calmer) will never take place or never even be attempted and indeed why should they – why in God’s name would you want a moat around a bungalow anyway?
I really, really dislike when my brain does this to me! I dislike the effort it takes to keep up with my mind when it is like this and I dislike the extreme tiredness and dark depression that normally follows immediately after I have been like this.
All day long my moods have been flip-flopping and whilst I have been able to keep a lid on any stupid or reckless behavior, this has in the main been achieved through my isolating whenever I feel my mood changing. I have an extreme (and I use that word most accurately) reluctance about letting people who are anywhere in my vicinity see me when I am like this or even know that I am like this when I am. It scares me so who knows what it would do to them or how it would make them feel?
There is without doubt and ever decreasing sense of control that converts into an ever-increasing sense of lack of control when this happens and couple this with the unhealthy and darn-right harmful thought processes that often lay stalking me within my mind and which seem to grow in strength both in power and volume when I decrease in mental strength it is without doubt a worrying time.
Thankfully I am not alone in my home tonight. My son and his partner are stopping with me at the moment and so there is at least some form of safety-net here. If I were to suddenly go out at this time of night/morning my son would immediately realize that something was serious amiss and come and check on me and likewise if I get to the stage where I mindlessly wander around the house all night/morning he would also notice.
The advantage of this is of course that it drives me to my room and that has already been mania-proofed and so there is little damage that I can do in there or to myself in there. I am grateful for this although I do know that in many ways this just prolongs the immediate torment but at least it reduces the potential for longer-term or resultant torment that usually comes after I have done something stupid.
Could that actually be what is happening with me? Am I not rapid cycling at all today but instead experiencing the results of not giving into the mania and of trying to fight it? Or indeed am I in the middle, start or process of a manic episode and just not realizing it or accepting it? I don’t know and can’t tell and to be totally honest if I am in the middle, start or process of a manic episode is my judgement sound enough to make that assessment in the first place?
Nope there is nothing else for it I have to go and rest and to try to ride this whole thing out. I know that I will not be able to rest and yet I owe it to myself to try, or do I? Is it better not to try to to simply accept that which is going to come? The voices tell me one thing, the thoughts another and my logic yet another.
I have just glanced at the clock and it is near two in the morning. Yes I need to go and try to rest. I know I will get through this the only question is when and at what cost. See now I am anxious. Ok time to take some form of control I am going to go and try to rest before this gets even worse and beyond my ability to have any form of control that is if I even have any left right now.
Supporting other bloggers
Someone recently asked me why I don’t have a blogroll listing other blogger’s sites on this blog and it is a good question.
Actually it is one that has a simple answer. I just haven’t gotten around to it as yet. But that is something that I can and will remedy shortly…
One of the primary motivations for this site is to offer support to others who suffer from mental health related issues and certainly this site is not alone in this. There are a growing number of sites and blogs out there who have mental health and mental illness as their core theme. I feel very strongly that the good ones are an excellent resource for folk and that we should all, as mental health bloggers, support one another and thereby help simplify the “seeking help and information process” that many mental illness sufferers and their carers go through.
So over the next week or so I am going to place a blog roll on this site that includes links to the other sites that I visit which have a mental-health and mental-illness related theme and which offer a positive perspective on these.
If you would like your site/blog on this blog roll please feel free to send me comment and let me have the address and I will try to check it out and then include it on my blog roll. Additionally I will be contacting the owners and blogs and sites which I currently visit on a regular basis and asking them if I can include their blogs in my blog roll.
Obviously I cannot list every site/blog and I will only be listing those blogs which I myself frequently visit or will frequently be visiting. For example one such site which I have only just started visiting today is that of “Creativity From Chaos”. As a writer with mental health issues myself I like to support other writers who have similar issues as me.
Sites and blogs that I will not be listing however are…
- Sites and blogs that are commercially based or motivated
- Sites and blogs where the opinions and beliefs expressed are in direct opposition and/or conflict with those I hold.
- Sites and blogs which I feel portray a negative perspective on mental illness and mental illness sufferers.
In respect of sites/blogs that are commercially based or motivated, please understand that I do accept that some sites and blogs need to be commercially based but I have always avoided this line for myself as I feel it can place the owner in a position where motivations can get clouded.
In respect of sites/blogs where the opinions and beliefs expressed are in direct opposition and/or conflict with those I hold, please understand that whilst I fully accept that others may have opposing or conflicting opinions and beliefs to me and whilst I totally respect their right to have these views, it would be wrong for me to do anything to encourage or endorse them.
I sincerely hope that I don’t cause offense in taking this line but I have to stay true to myself and my beliefs and I hope everyone understands.
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