Passions Profile Challenge – Day Six – Art and the Arts

29 Sunday Apr 2012

Posted by boldkevin in Challenges, Passions Profile Challenge

Tags

Following on in the Passions Profile Challenge, that I have set and undertaken to complete, today I am considering number 6 on my list – that of ‘Art and The Arts’.

Passion, is energy. It comes from a place of stirring and how you respond to it can be as inspiring as it can be devastating.

Responding to it wisely can create nations and beliefs it can; heal, encourage, inspire. But respond foolishly, or badly and it can destroy, harm and maime. It can leave a wake of remorse and regret.

As I said before, when I wrote my Passions Profile I did so including both those things which I was passionate about as a result of great joy and those things I am passionate about as a result of great sadness. Some of course, whilst being born from one or the other, seem to be parented by both. And for me personally ‘Art and the Arts’ fall into just such a category. But why?

The Arts.

My foray into and subsequent love of the arts started when I was but a young child. We children being regular attenders at the local church was extremely important to my parents. I have my own belief as to why but that’s a subject for an entirely different post and quite possibly and entirely different blog

Notice the statement ‘We children’ there. It is interesting and extremely relevant that my mother and father seldom came to church with us outside of the match, hatch, and despatch type services. (For those unfamiliar with the expression match hatch and despatch refers to Weddings, Christenings/Baptisms and Funerals)

But off to church we kids were religiously sent and that included regular weekly attendance at church services, Sunday school, Cubs, Scouts, (or in my sister’s case Brownies and then Girl Guides) choir practices and the such.

As for my mother’s involvement with the church, although seldom attending services she was somewhat involved being a regular member of the Women’s group – also known as (and I kid you not) ‘the puddings club’ and trust me many of them looked like puddings. [Oops did I type that out? It was meant to stay in my head.]

Mum was also involved with Summer Fetes, Bizzares, Jumble Sales, Bring and Buy’s and being an excellent seamstress and tailoress my mother was also very involved in the shows and pantomimes the church put on.

In fact, as can be seen from this old newspaper clipping, our whole family were involved with these shows and pantomimes.

Even my father and, I have to be honest here, although my father only ever seemed to get involved reluctantly and then only occasionally, when he did he was spectacular – having a tremendous singing voice and this was as far as I could see his only involvement with the church.

So ‘show business’ and ‘the arts’ was introduced to me at a very early age and I absolutely loved it. Like my siblings I appeared in numerous pantomimes and shows, developed, worked on and presented numerous comedy routines and the such and it ‘got into my blood’ as they say.

When a little older, at school I was extremely involved in the Drama department and performed and even starred in numerous shows right up through senior school.

Looking back now, and something which I was aware of at the time, whilst my mother was actively supportive of this and did come to most of my shows, my father showed very little interest.

To me my father was always a hardened man’s man. Champion boxer for the Royal Navy and a Chief Petty Officer, to him girls were girls and boys were little men. So towards the end of my schooling it came as no surprise but great personal sadness to me when he banned me from performing in any more shows.

And my foray into the arts and show business came to an end. Life, exams, employment etc took over and for a short while I went of the rails before settling down, getting married and having a family of my own.

As a father myself, I was determined that my son would enjoy full freedom to appreciate the arts and so trips to the West end to see shows and musicals and the such were a regular part of my son’s childhood and whenever he showed an interest in acting or singing or performing it was encouraged.

Actually whilst thoroughly enjoying the arts his interest took a slightly different line and he became very interested in DJ’ing, and then events management something which he is extremely involved with today and I am so proud of him for that. Is it the exact path within the arts that I would have liked him to follow? Possibly not but we cannot live vicariously through our children and neither do I believe should we stifle good and healthy interests.

Due to my mental and physical health and as a result of my living in a small town I don’t get to enjoy visits to the theatre or concerts or such things as the opera or musicals any more. The costs involved plus the journey there and back, and the thought of sitting in a cramped seat in an auditorium full of strangers is just too much for me. BUt thankfully I do get to see it on tv and do have a fairly good DVD collection thanks to friends.

So the arts to me is a passion which is, as I said, parented by both joy and sadness alike. I regret not having explored it further and I truly believe every child whether male or female should be afforded the opportunity to develop an interest in the arts should they want to and to explore that interest freely and fully as the arts can offer us such a wealth of inspiration, enjoyment, education and aspiration.

Which leads me to the other part of this passion.

Art.

This is another passion stemming from my childhood and sadly another one with mixed emotions, both great sadness and great joy.

I have always loved drawing, sketching, painting, doodling, sculpting and the such and have enjoyed teaching it also. The old Chinese proverbs says “A picture is worth a thousands words” (sometimes quoted as “a picture paints a thousand words”) and there is great truth in this.

Whether I am drawing a picture for my kids

Or knocing up a quick pen and ink sketch portrait of my father

Or painting a picture for a friend

Or even reflectively sketching one of myself as a child

I have always loved art.

Sadly, in more recent times, because of my health, eye-sight and shaky hands I have had to stop both doing my art and also teaching it.

But hey, who knows. Perhaps one day soon I can start exploring my art again and that sadness will be turned to joy once more.

Hmm, of course that would require cajoling my son into tidying up my art room after he blatantly stole it back to use as is bedroom for a while whilst he was moving from one house to the next and is still using as a store room! LOL

Passions Profile Challenge – Day Five – Review

28 Saturday Apr 2012

Posted by boldkevin in Challenges, Passions Profile Challenge, Relationships, Uncategorized

≈ 5 Comments

Tags

Challenges, Passions Profile Challenge, Relationships

Well I am so encouraged and so blessed by having taken this challenge so far!

I am also extremely encouraged by other blogging friends who have taken up the challenge.

Cate over at Infinite Sadness or what? has taken up the challenge and I am so interested in her responses to it.

Additionally Eileen over at But She’s Crazy has today told me that Cate has inspired her to also take up the challenge and although I have only just become acquainted with her work I am keen to follow her responses and approach to it.

So I really do want to encourage you to pop over and check out how they are getting on with the challenge and to consider taking it up for yourself.

So since I am so encouraged by what Cate and Eileen have shared I thought I would share an update come review on my own progress with this Passions Profile Challenge…

Day One – Handwriting.

As well as committing to hand writing several letters myself I also wanted to encourage others to consider writing by hand and even investing in a decent fountain pen.

A friend’s daughter recently got baptized and she had before mentioned that he liked my handwriting and had asked me what pen I used. So as a little baptism gift and by way of encouragement I put together a little writing box.

The Writing Box consisted of an A4 flip top designer box

Inside the box I placed a stock of A4 sheets of really nice Pink Parchment Paper and matching Pink Parchment Paper Envelopes plus nice Parker Pen set of Ball point pen, Propelling pencil and Fountain pen, with her name engraved on it and an additional matching Fountain pen with her name on it and with a calligraphy nib and some ink cartridges.

I have to tell you that she was delighted with it and that made it all the more special. I really think this makes a wonderful gift for any little girl (or even little boys with the right style of box and paper etc) old enough to be interested in writing letters and having pen pals.

Day Two – Music

In accordance with Day Two’s music Passion I spent the day listening to music and posted three you tube videos of songs that really meant a lot to me for different reason. But I also extended this and instead of going to my normal ‘goto’ music and playing it in the background whilst sitting at my computer I have played all my old albums and have really enjoyed the songs and the memories attached to them.

Music can be great for that can’t it?

Day Three – Writing & Story Telling

Day three started off with my writing a short story based on my childhood and my experiences of having poor mental health as a child. It was something that I wasn’t sure I really wanted to write it let alone publish it but I m really glad that I did.

I also made a commitment to myself to start editing the books that I have written and which I have not yet edited. Additionally I have committed to writing the chapter synopses, character profiles and such necessary before publishing them.

[As a writer I tend to write the stories without breaking the flow to write character profiles and the such.]

I have not committed to sending this set off for publishing yet despite pressure to do so. But hey who knows.

Day Four – My Family.

Yesterday I wrote about my biological family and why I am so passionate about my family. I also shared a little of how my mental health had affected my relationships with my family and how committed I was to repairing those relationships.

In response to that, and since part of the challenge is not only to list your passions but to spend some time exploring and reconnecting with them, I wrote a whole load of letters to my family members – siblings, nieces, nephews, great-nieces ad great-nephews (some of which I have hardly even spoken to before) and I am really pleased that I did so.

Just what will come of it I have no idea but I am so very pleased that I took the time to do this.

Conclusion and Round-up.

So all in all this Passions Profile Challenge has already proven to be very rewarding and extremely interesting.

Some parts were easier than others and it is certainly true that some of the things that I have already done have the potential to bring ew growth as well as having the potential to bring new hurts. But then don’t most things which are worth while come with a certain amount of potential risk or disappointment.

I am only a third of the way through this challenge, but did want to share what has hjappened so far and I hope you have enjoyed reading it and have been encouraged.

Passions Profile Challenge – Day Four – My Family.

27 Friday Apr 2012

Posted by boldkevin in Behavior, Bipolar Disorder, Challenges, Childhood Memories, Depression, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Paranoia, Paranoid Schizophrenia, Relationships

≈ 3 Comments

Tags

Bipolar Disorder, Challenges, Depression, Distorted Perceptions, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Paranoid Schizophrenia, Relationships

Today, as part of the Passions Profile Challenge, I thought I would look at the whole subject of my family.

The picture to the right is one taken many years back of my siblings and I.

Yes they are matching pj’s (my mom made them) and trust me I have done you all a favour by putting up the black and white version since those particular pj’s were made of a bright orange striped material. (And they wonder why I have mental health issues? lol)

When writing my original Passions Profile I wanted to be honest about the thing which I feel passionate about and include them regardless of whether that passion came from a good place or a bad place or how easy or difficult it would be to explore that passion.

When it comes to my family, I am grateful that it is nowadays mainly a good place that this comes from whilst being mindful that this hasn’t always been the case.

I should perhaps first explain that I have two families really. ONe the one hand I have my biological family. The family I was born into and grew up with and on the other hand I have my adopted family, a family I believe God put together in order to help us all grow and to heal.

For this particular section of the Passions Profile Challenge I am going to be focusing in the main on my biological family for no other reason than this is a mental health related blog and since my mental illness has been with me for as long as I can remember it without doubt impacted my relationship with my family and without doubt had a knock-on effect for the rest of my life.

But again I really don’t think I am alone in this. I wonder how many of you had or have relationships which also suffered or still do suffer at the hands of your mental health or people’s reactions to it?

Growing up as I did, in a time when mental illness had even more stigma attached to it than it does today and where that stigma also very much spilled over onto the siblings and especially the parents of any child with mental illness I hid my mental illness as much as possible.

Asking siblings if “they heard those voices too” only to be looked at strangely coupled with further ‘sympathetic’ and yet ‘oh so concerned’ looks when I self-harmed, did something reckless, or tried to commit suicide, as a child soon taught me that sharing my problems was not an option. Add to this the media presentation of mental illness at the time and the seemingly regular stories of people being ‘institutionalized’ as a result of their mental illness and you get the picture.

But such was the environment and society’s approach to mental illness within southern england and for a child of a ‘respectable family’ in the 60′s.

Looking back and with the benefit of hindsight and a far better understanding of how my mental health effected both me and my relationships, I can see how it directly impacted those relationships, my decision-making processes and indeed my behaviour.

MY father was Royal Navy and a chief petty officer to boot and was, as I said in my post the death of…, an anachronism.

He was a fine man and a dutiful husband and father. But one of the saddest realities of my life is that he never truly knew me nor I him. This being as a direct result of..

a) my mental health,

b) his strict upbringing and his raising of us in a similar way, and

c) my fear and paranoia and subsequent inability to communicate what was going on inside my head.

My father is dead now, and he never knew (as I never got to telling him) the full extent of my mental illness and there is an important truth to be understood in this.

Given the strict nature of my father, and given the fact that he was kept ignorant of my mental illness it is little wonder that he saw my behaviour as being poor, unruly even rebellious and thus responded accordingly. He can I think, in part, be forgiven this, can’t he?

BUT when you are that child, even the child hiding the mental illness, you are extremely unlikely to understand or even forgive said responses and it will without doubt have a very real knock on effect in your life and in your relationships with the rest of your ‘family’.

This morning I looked up the definition of the noun ‘family’ and saw the following result…

fam·i·ly/ˈfam(ə)lē/

Noun:

A group consisting of parents and children living together in a household.

I have to tell you that this definition is, to me, one of the most limited, empty and sad definitions I have seen for a long time. And yet I recognize that my reaction to it does in many ways speak more of me than it does of the definition itself.

Is ‘family’ only applicable to those living in one household? If an older sibling moves out do they cease to be part of the family?

But even more than that, where is the mention of; love, of support, of caring which should be present?

As a child my mental health without any doubt corrupted my perception and thus the accessibility of that love, that support, that caring. I t kept me in so many ways, whilst others might dispute this, apart from my family even though we were that “ group consisting of parents and children living together in a household.“

Some time back now I wrote to my mother, whom I now have an excellent relationship with, and tried to ask about her understanding, her perception of my childhood. I had decided it was time to be more open with my mother and my siblings about my mental health. In her response she mentioned several decisions I had made which hurt her or which she disagreed with and I can understand this.

What was extremely interesting however was the fact that most of those decisions (in fact all but one) I made as direct result of, or in direct response to, my mental illness. That same mental illness I had in many ways kept hidden from her for so long.

I don’t think I had before this seen such stark and finite examples of how my mental illness or perhaps more importantly my trying to conceal it, had damaged my relationships.

The sad part is that the same is true of my relationships with my siblings and even more sadly, whereas I have a much improved relationship with my mother now, those relationships with my siblings is still extremely damaged. I cannot begin to express how much this saddens me.

This of course has a knock on effect with some of my nephews and nieces, great nephews and great nieces. Which also saddens me greatly.

So yes when writing my Passions Profile my family on there as it is something I am very passionate about and I hope and pray that one day the damage that has been done can be repaired.

I mentioned before that I am blessed to have two families. My biological family and my adopted family. I love them both equally and I am so very blessed that in respect of my adopted family we have benefitted from many of the hurts experienced as a result of my mental illness and the lessons that I have learned with my biological family.

As a blogger who is totally is ‘out there’ and ‘extremely open’ about my identity and my mental illness I understand fully those who blog about their own mental health difficulties but so anonymously. I really do but I have to tell you that my personal advice, given my experiences thus far, is that if you have a family and are hiding your mental illness from them it might be worth sharing it with them and allowing them to be the source of the support, caring, and love that you need.

And since this challenge is not only about listing my passions but also exploring them, I leave you with that thought but will respond accordingly.

I am therefore going off now to write once more to my siblings in the hope of working towards repairing that damage I mentioned earlier.

Passions Profile Challenge – Day Three – Writing & Story Telling.

26 Thursday Apr 2012

Posted by boldkevin in Challenges

≈ 3 Comments

Tags

Challenges

Following on in The Passions Profile Challenge, and having early this morning written the story based on one of my childhood experiences and called ‘Kevin, Wind-Talker, and The Seed-Snatcher’, today I thought I would explore and write about number 8 on my personal Passions Profile that of ‘Writing and Story Telling’.

There has for some time now been a belief that there is often some kind of link between mental illness and creativity.

As a Christian and coming from that perspective it does interest me how very often when a person suffers a loss or impairment in one way it seems that they are gifted in other ways. For example extremely autistic children often have the most affectionate and caring of hearts.

Coming at it from a slightly different perspective, and hey I may be a Christian but I would hope that I am neither fanatical or tunnel visioned by it, I am interested by the concept that actually mental illness whilst presenting many negatives could also lead to parts of out brain or minds being accessed which otherwise are not so often accessed or at least accessed in the same way.

Some literary historians have suggested that many of the classic writers could have been influenced, in one way or another, by hallucinogenic drugs. Now before all you Byronites of Tennisonians fire of angry emails at me it is ‘possible’ emphasis on the word possible that mild hallucinogenic molds (a form of mushroom I believe) growing on old books etc could have something to do with it. Of course they would need to have been in contact with it over a long period of time and it only a hypothesis.

But it does present an interesting concept does it not and certainly one which in turn does link with the idea of our accessing, under certain conditions or circumstances, a more creative or imaginative part of our minds.

For me personally story telling and writing serve several functions…

1. It allows me to keep my mind active. This is so very important to me as my memory and focus often suffer and yet I find the more I exercise my brain the better these are. (Yes I know the brain is an organ and not a muscle per se but trust me my personal experience is that the more I use it the better it works)

2. It allows me to communicate and to do so in a way that hopefully benefits others. Like the story I wrote and published earlier this morning or late last night (I don’t remember which) I try to present mental illness in different ways and in ways in which people see beyond the label or the condition, or even beyond their preconceived ideas.

Of course not all my writing is about mental health or mental illness. I love to write about my faith and to observe life in general and to comment on it. Not because I believe I have any great insights but because by communicating the perspective I do have may help others or can in turn can be challenged and I can grow and learn from it.

I love to blog, write poetry, I love writing the children’s stories and the novels I write as well as the magazine articles I occasionally write.

3. It allows me to explore and experience. As a disabled person I get tired so very easily and so can’t physically do a great deal or get out a lot. But through other people’s writing I can explore worlds, futures, pasts, the present and all different aspects of life and hopefully through my writing folk can experience those aspect I am able to share.

It may not be the same as actually experiencing it for ourselves but it is the next best thing at least I can hopefully communicate through my writing and I am so very grateful for all the feedback and comments and encouragement that I get.

So that is why writing is so important to me and why encourage others to both read and to write for themselves.

Kevin, Wind-Talker, and The Seed-Snatcher

25 Wednesday Apr 2012

Posted by boldkevin in Bipolar Disorder, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Paranoid Schizophrenia

≈ 10 Comments

Tags

Bipolar Disorder, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Paranoid Schizophrenia

Running out of his house Kevin didn’t even have to consider which way to turn. Instinctively knowing that his destination was to be the soothing choruses of the waves tumbling over the sand and shingle on the nearby beach, he turned and ran. As he did so the tears fell from his young eyes almost as quickly as his feet fell upon the paving stones beneath them.

“Kevin! Kevin!” His mother’s voice called after him. “Kevin it isn’t that bad honey!”

But he was already going, already gone. Going in body and gone in mind and it was not for the first time.

Many times before his mind had convinced him that things were much worse than his parents, than his friends, than grown-ups, than others were telling him. Many times before had he ran from his house physically trying to escape that which his mind could never escape.

So much so that the sight of this 6-year-old child, even one dressed in nothing but shorts, running from his home, passed the electricity generator house, down past the terraced houses and out towards and then along past the cricket pitch and to the beach was nothing new for any of the neighbors. Nor usually were any of the sights which he himself saw along the way new.

But today was to be different, so very different. As the hot sun beat down on his blonde haired scalp and the plain but already slightly scarred canvas of his skin the wind blew fiercely in his face and into those tear-stained eyes.

That self-same wind he knew as ‘Wind-Talker’ and which, like so often before and since, seemed to carry to him a multitude of thoughts and voices. Jeering, accusing, threatening voices. He tried so desperately to ignore them, to ignore it, to ignore the Wind-Talker.

Running his small finger tips across the green chain linked fencing surrounding the cricket pitch he turned his face out of the accusatory wind.

That is when he noticed it. Alone, resolute, defiant in the midst of the closely cut greens of the cricket pitch stood a single weed single bud of a dandelion.

He stopped and stared at it, dragging his fists up and across those small deep salt reddened and yet crystal blue eyes in an attempt to dry them and aid his vision.

It waved and bent in the wind and yet with the end of each gust would return defiantly to his pre-destined stance. A whilst silk like globe of defiant and yet oh so fragile freedom held within of sea of ordered and controlled greens. And one which the minute the grown-ups saw it, would be removed – destroyed and lost forever.

He had to protect it, guard it, preserve it, save it.

Running to the big high gates held loosely and yet securely together by a heavy lock and chain he pushed against them separating them just enough to squeeze his small frame through.

“What are you doing you little fool?” Wind-Talker shrieked at him. “You know you’re not allowed in there!” Pushing his body through Kevin tried to ignore him.

“You’re gonna get caught and beaten again.” “See you’re being weird again.” “You’ve only got yourself to blame”, and “It’s your own fault you get beaten!” echoed the choruses of thoughts and voices Wind-Talker summoned to his aid his cause.

“I don’t care!” The small boy shouted back silently though his thoughts and he scrambled onto the outfield. “Someone has to save them.”

“Save who?” Wind-Talker scoffed. “Some worthless weed that no-one wants, no one needs, no-one cares about? Some small puny pathetic weed, almost as worthless, as useless, as loveless as you are?”

Reaching the lone dandelion Kevin fell to his knees and trying to protect it from the wind carefully cupped his hands around the globe of whisper-like seeds which formed the mechanism of its rebirth.

“You can’t save it any more than you can save yourself.” Wind-Talker taunted. “The Seed-Snatcher will come and take them. I will carry them away to him, just as I carry your thoughts and your dreams away.”

“You know he’s right!” The thoughts and voices echoed. “Your dreams never come true.”

Again Kevin lifted his hands pulled his trembling fingers across his eyes to dry his own tears. The wind and Wind-Talker stole their moment and as Wind-Talker’s taunts gusted against the small boy’s fragile mind the wind gusted against the even smaller even more fragile globe of whisper-like seeds.

“Noooo! I won’t let you have them.” Kevin cried out on seeing what was happening. “You can take my hopes, my dreams, my thoughts but you won’t have these!”

The tears ran freely once more as he tried so very hard to make sense of it all but it was no use. Wind-Talker was too strong and the Seed-Snatcher would have his way and Kevin knew it.

As the small boy knelt there watching as seeral more whisper-like seeds took flight his heart sank. There before his very eyes, reflected through the oft unappreciated beauty of one of nature’s cast-offs he saw himself.

“Magical isn’t it?” A man’s voice observed softly from behind him.

Instantly spinning around on his knees and then falling backwards onto his bottom and hands Kevin instinctively pulled back from the man before him.

“Hey I didn’t mean to scare you.” The grounds-keeper told him, seeing his reaction. “I just sw you knelt here with the dandelion and came to see if you were alright.”

Again Kevin tried to dry the tears from his eyes, but this time out of embarrassment.

“Why so sad?” The grounds-keeper asked. “Did I frighten you that much?”

“The wind,” Kevin tried to explain. “It’s carrying all the seeds away.”

“I know.” The grounds-keeper told him with a smile. “Isn’t nature wonderful?”

Confused, Kevin just looked at him.

Noticing the confusion on the small boy’s face the grounds-keeper knelt down.

“You don’t know about wind pollination do you?” The grounds-keeper asked, and then realising the complexity of what he was saying, even before he finished saying it he rephrased his own question. “You don’t know what happens to all those seeds do you?”

Kevin looked at the globe of dandelion seeds and then back at the grounds-keeper and then just shook his head.

“Each one of those tiny little seeds will fly away in the wind and then will land somewhere and with some luck with grow to become another dandelion.” The grounds-keeper told him.

“The Seed-Snatcher won’t get them?” Kevin asked.

“No not at all.” The grounds-keeper smiled. “Not all of them will become dandelions, some will land in the wrong place and will just die.” He told Kevin. “But that is just the way nature is. But most of them will survive and grow into new dandelions.”

Kevin looked at the dandelion globe once more.

“The thing is.” The grounds-keeper told him. “We can’t really let them grow here because they will be destroyed when we cut the grass.” He looked at Kevin. “So will you help me take them over there,” he pointed to some hedges growing on the perimeter of the fields, “and we can launch the seeds there.”

Kevin nodded and with that the grounds-keeper reached down and picked the dandelion snapping it from the base of its stem and handed it to Kevin.

Taking the dandelion, Kevin followed the grounds-keeper over to the hedges and when the groundskeeper announced that it was the best place for them to be launched from Kevin blew with all his might.

Thanks to the kindness of the grounds-keeper there was to be no angry phone calls to his mother and father, no being marched home and complained about and thus no telling off, no beatings, no chastisement that day.

But it was much later, long after Kevin had returned home and gone to bed before the full beauty of his experiences that day were to be understood by him.

Wind-Talker – the thoughts and voices which echoed through his mind seemingly belonging only to the wind and which neither his siblings nor his parents ever seemed able to hear would always be with him. Always jeering and taunting and scoffing at him.

The Seed-Snatcher – the confusion and the emptiness and the darkness that often came to him taking away his now would also always be a part of his live, often robbing him of his thoughts, his awareness, his hope and his dreams.

But no matter how hard Wind-Talker and the Seed-Snatcher may try, the seeds of his own life and mind – those thoughts, those dreams, those hopes, would always take flight and would in time and with some help always land and blossom into something beautiful.

Even if that beauty was sometimes cast-off and misunderstood by some of those who fail to see it for what it truly was.

Passions Profile Challenge – Day Two – Music

25 Wednesday Apr 2012

Posted by boldkevin in Bipolar Disorder, Challenges, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Paranoid Schizophrenia, Uncategorized

≈ 4 Comments

Tags

Bipolar Disorder, Challenges, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Paranoid Schizophrenia

Today I am going to explore number 5 on my Passions Profile which is Music.

I said on my original Passions Profile that, “I love music and believe it to be such an awesome communicator.” and I truly believe that to be the case.

I then went on to say that I believed it to be a communicator which “is able to penetrate barriers, cross voids and connect people.”

So I thought I would share three songs with you today which truly communicate something to me and which I am confident will also speak to others.

I have chosen these three songs not only for their message and/or their beauty but because, whilst I have a fairly wide and eclectic taste in music these three songs represent the kinds of music I tend to listen to the most.

So let’s get on with the songs.

My first offering for you is on Michael Kiwanuka’s recently released ‘Home Again’ album and is his song of the same name – “Home Again”

Michael Kiwanuka is a British soul musician and singer/songwriter who is signed to Communion records and is in my opinion both up and coming and already arrived within the British soul music field.

Having recently just learnt of him I have two of his albums and they are already very well-played. This particular song, just as with many of his songs, I can really relate to. The lyrics for this song “Home Again” can be found here if you would like to read them but please enjoy this YouTube example of his work. (This also shows the lyrics)

By the way, you can visit his blog and listen to more of his work here.

The second song I would like to share with you is slightly different but one which really means a lot to me personally. It is Katherine Jenkins singing ‘Requiem For A Soldier’ (aka the theme to ‘Band of Brothers’).

One of my other interests of late has been that of tracing my family tree and through this I have become aware of relatives who gave their lives during conflicts. I love this song and hope you enjoy it also. (The lyrics for this one can be found here)

The third and final song I would like to share with you reflects both my own personal struggles and my faith in Christ. Many of you know about both my personal struggles and the fact that I am a Christian and I have to tell you that without my faith I really don’t believe I would still be here today.

This song is on that I play when the darkness tries to consume and the suicidal thought try to compel me. I play and yes often sing it to recognize and speak out my personal struggles but to do so in the mindset and acknowledgement that what I go through is nothing compared to what Christ has been through and that He has already paid the price that I owed and that He is always with me and knows all that I am going through.

It is the song ‘Find Me In The River’ written and performed here by the (now disbanded) group Delirious..

In my original Passions Profile explanation of this I mentioned that, “I truly believe it (music) can inspire us and lift us from the depths of sorrow to the height of joy.” and certainly that song does that for me. But I also mentioned that, “as is often the case I think if used badly it (music) can be harmful too.”

I think this is certainly true if you suffer from poor mental health. There has, in terms of physical health, long since been a recognition that in many ways we are impacted by what we allow into our bodies. I would very much suggest that what we allow into our minds also impacts us and I truly believe that music can have as harmful an effect as it can a healthy effect.

Personally I know that fast, repetitive, heavy beat music can seriously impact my mood and my thought processing abilities and also know that depressive music can cause my mood to deteriorate and even crash. Likewise there are certain songs which, as some on with a history of self-harming, I need to avoid just as there is certain imagery that I try to avoid.

So there you have it. I am having a music day today. No, or next to no TV just lots of good helpful and positive music and who knows I might even listen to some old albums from my younger days

Feel free to let m know what you thought of the songs and I hope you enjoyed them

Protected: BPM

24 Tuesday Apr 2012

Posted by boldkevin in Uncategorized

≈ Enter your password to view comments.

Clarity Amidst The Confusion

24 Tuesday Apr 2012

Posted by boldkevin in Bipolar Disorder, Chronic Fatigue, CFS, CFIDS, & M.E., Depression, Feelings, Functionality, Journal Entry, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Paranoid Schizophrenia, Poor Physical Health

≈ 8 Comments

Tags

Bipolar Disorder, CFIDS, CFS, Chronic Fatigue, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Paranoid Schizophrenia, Personal Journal

Confused thoughts, lapses in concentration, inability to focus, psychotic episodes. These are all common to my mental health and have been for years.

Can I claim that I am generally on top of them and able to manage well probably not but I can claim that I generally do cope quite well and that thankfully these all do seem to be episodic rather than continuous in my case.

Of course sometimes they come in pairs or all together and sometimes it is hard to differentiate between them.

To make it slightly more confusing and even more fun (not) I have several medical conditions some of which share the same or similar symptomatology and thus I am often unable to determine which medical condition is causing a medical symptom when it flares up or becomes more extreme.

I am of course not alone in any of these and I am sure that many readers will relate to what I am saying in respect of either the psychiatric side of things, the medical side of things or both.

Today I was scheduled to see the Psychiatrist and given the fact that I am on Risperdal and since the makers of Risperdal – Johnson & Johnson have just been slapped with a $1.2 billion fine by and judge over in Arkansas, USA when a jury found the company’s officials misled doctors and patients about the risks of the drug, I was keen to discuss whether or not I should be taking it.

Interestingly, I didn’t actually see one of the on-duty psychiatrists (that’s how it works over here in Ireland it seems, or at least the part I live in, you never see the same psychiatrist just whoever is on duty at that time) but instead saw the Consultant.

It seems that the Consultant reviews patients treatments on a regular basis and this time it was my turn. “Bonus” I thought. [I confess to being able to have little to no confidence in seeing a different psychiatrist each and every time.]

But he took one look at me and realized things were not good. Several minutes later and he and I were talking and whilst he hadn’t heard of the Johnson and Johnson fine did have major concerns about be having been on Risperdal in the first place. HIs comment, “I am changing you from Risperdal to Abilify as you should never have been on Risperdal in the first place”, did I have to admit, concern me somewhat.

But what concerned me even more were his facial and verbal expressions when he realized from my file that I had a serious heart condition and was on Effexor. “What on earth are you doing on Effexor? No one should be on Effexor and especially on that much with a heart condition such as yours.” really was quite disconcerting. HE has therefore taken me off of Effexor and put me on Cymbalta.

So in terms of my Psychiatric ailments I have a new drugs regime to follow and will of course have to go through the whole weaning on and finding the right dosage process.

But I have to confess that I am relieved as I have been very concerned about how dark my thoughts have been lately and also about my additional withdrawal from things and people and also the way I have been responding to situations. (Although I have tried to keep this in check I promise.)

In terms of my medical ailments well just as with my mental health my physical health also poses some confusion with cross over symptomatology etc. And certainly this has been the case for a few weeks now. I have a serious heart condition – one which means my heart does not work anywhere as effectively as the average joe’s and I also have Chronic Fatigue Immune Dysfunction Syndrome and on top of this I have both problems sleeping and Severe Obstructive Sleep Apnea.

All of these conditions can lead to (among other things) a feeling of tiredness and fatigue and so when I came down will extreme fatigue some weeks back I simply put it down to one of these.

When they continued but were then accompanied with general viral infection come flu-like symptoms, I loaded up with general over-the-counter meds and thought that it would solve it. But although they did at first seem to be responding, they soon came back with a vengeance.

So today (several weeks of over-the-counter meds later) since I was due to go into town to see my Psychiatrist anyway, I thought I would make an appointment with my Doctor.

The good news is that I was right I did have some sort of viral infection but the bad news is that it was pretty severe and so over-the-counter meds wouldn’t touch it.

I have now, however got a prescription for my new psychiatric meds and a course of strong antibiotics designed to attack the infection along with two or three other things designed to manage or at least reduce the symptoms.

Were some of the medical symptoms down to my normal stuff? Without doubt, but the severity of them is no doubt down to the added viral infection.

I can honestly say, and feel able to admit now, that I have for some weeks now been totally confused by what has been going on with me both mentally and physically. But more importantly I do at last feel that today I have some clarity amidst the confusion.

The Passions Profile Challenge – Day One – Handwriting.

23 Monday Apr 2012

Posted by boldkevin in Challenges

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

Challenges

When I came up with the whole ‘Passions Profile Challenge‘ I was fully aware that some of the Passions I would list and then subsequently have to explore more and then discuss would be harder than others.

So I thought that I would today start with an easy one on my list and that is number 9 – Handwriting.

Handwriting – or more accurately, taking time to write things out by hand is something that is very dear to my heart and something that brings m a great deal of joy as well as some degree of sadness.

In the one paragraph explanation of this passion I made the statement that, “I think handwriting has really suffered with the advent of computers and mobile phones etc.” and I truly do believe that to be the case.

Sadly I think our ability to spell and language itself has also suffered as a result of these. (But that comes under a different passion on my list.)

I know it may sound very silly to some but it really does sadden me that handwriting seems to be suffering in this way and that many of people seem to suffer a decline in the neatness of their handwriting as a result of a lack of practice due to email and wordprocessing being so much easier and quicker.

Personally speaking, and I accept that I have more time on my hands than most people due to my being retired now, I would much rather take the time to hand write letters etc and to send them off by snail mail. For the record I am retired on medical grounds and not because of my age

I mourn the apparent loss of patience when it comes to expecting things and I resent the fact that so many of us seem to expect things to happen instantly or at least speedily. I don’t want to live in a face-paced, give it to me now, I don’t want to have to wait for it kind of world that seems so very prominent in today’s society.

I like taking time to write letters and I make no apology for it. I like taking time to think; about what it is I want to say, what I can say to demonstrate how much I care for the person I am writing to, how I can demonstrate my love, how much of myself I want to share and I see taking time to write a letter by hand and to do so neatly and legibly to be a very big part of that.

Sadly, due to my failing eyesight and my poor health and subsequent shaky hands my hand writing is not all that it used to be. On top of that the more tired I become, and writing is one of the things that does sem to tire both my arm (due to my CFIDS) and my eyes, the worse my handwriting becomes. But even so I still like to do it and I just apologize when I realize my handwriting has deteriorated.

I personally write with a fountain pen – yes they do still exist and I do still use one – and I really like doing so.

So today, in line with this challenge, I have sat and written several letters to friends and family and will be posting them out tomorrow whilst I am in town for my Psychiatrist and my Doctor’s appointments.

I also wanted to encourage others to consider writing by hand and even investing in a decent fountain pen. Fountain pens are great as, although they are a lot better than they once were, they do still require a certain amount of care when using them.

So there you have it. Writing letters and doing so by hand is part of who I am and part of how I show my respect and/or my love for those I am writing to. And so with that in mind I leave you with this one last thing…

The ‘Passions Profile Challenge’

22 Sunday Apr 2012

Posted by boldkevin in Bipolar Disorder, Challenges, Christianity, Depression, Faith, Mental Health, Mental Illness

≈ 16 Comments

Tags

Bipolar Disorder, Challenges, Christianity, Christianity and Depression, Christianity and Mental Health, Depression, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Paranoid Schizophrenia, Personal Journal

One of the saddest effects of experiencing poor mental health is that it can really start to erode your enthusiasm and to rob you of your interests and your passions.

Things that folk are normally very interested in, even passionate about, can fall by the wayside as the effort of having to deal with the impact of our poor mental health on our everyday lives takes over.

But do we have to lose our passions or is there something that we can do to keep them?

Well this is where the ‘Passions Profile’ Challenge comes into play.

Here’s what to do.

1. Write your own ‘Passions Profile’.

1a. List 10 things which you are personally very passionate about. (If you can’t manage 10 then don’t worry just list as many as you can and add to your list later if you want to.)

1b. Having written your list write a short one-paragraph explanation of that passion under each one of those items on the list.

[That list (complete with your one-paragraph explanations) is your 'Passions Profile'.]

2. Publish your ‘Passions Profile’ on your blog along with the following ‘Challenge Committment’ to taking up the ‘Passions Profile Challenge’.

I (place your name or screen name here) of the (place the name of your blog here) blog, hereby commit to taking up the ‘Passions Profile Challenge’ and I hereby promise that I will, where able, over the next (enter your own number here) days look at and explore a different passion each day.

Furthermore, having done so that I day I also commit to then publishing how I did so for that particular passion and also share my experiences of having done so. I hope you will enjoy sharing this challenge with me and even consider taking up the challenge for yourself.

(if you want to link back here by way of explanation of this challenge feel free to do so.)

3. Having taken up the challenge and made that commitment have fun completing the challenge

If you want to let me know you are doing the challenge I would be very interested in learning you are doing so and following your exploits

And since I think it is always good to lead by example here is my ‘Passions Profile’ and ‘Challenge Committment’.

My Passions Profile…

God, Christ and my Faith – I am really passionate about my faith and about God, Christ and Christianity in general. I truly believe that God loves us all and that realizing is such an important thing.
My Family - My family, both biological and adopted mean so very much to me and I am so blessed to have them. I have had a very rocky road when it comes to my family but each and every one of my family members is so very important to me.
Mental Health & Mental Illness – This again, like so many passions, comes from a very personal place and I think it is of such importance in this world today and something we should all strive to understand.
Family – This is not about my own family as much as it is about the concept of family and the fact that I believe we all should have a family. I personally believe that the importance of family has eroded in society’s thinking over the years and that this is so sad and so detrimental to our health as a race.
Music – I love music and believe it to be such an awesome communicator. One which is able to penetrate barriers, cross voids and connect people. I truly believe it can inspire us and lift us from the depths of sorrow to the height of joy. But as is often the case I think if used badly it can be harmful too.
Art & The Arts – I love art in its many forms and appreciate so many different genres, styles, mediums etc. Again it is great communicator and I love appreciating the art of others as well as creating it myself. In respect of ‘the arts’ I truly believe they should be accessible to all and that our children should be introduced to them at an early age and encouraged to develop their own understanding of and appreciation for them.
Reading – Yes this is another of my passions. I love reading and read a great deal. It’s all about creativity, communication, imagination. It’s about the sharing , the expressing, the learning and the empathizing for me
Writing & Story Telling – I love to write. Whether I am working on a novel, a magazine article, a blog, a poem or a letter, I just love it. I personally believe that not enough people are encouraged to do it and that all too often in our education systems writing – especially creative writing, story telling suffers at the hands of academia.
Hand Writing – OK this is something that I am also very passionate about. Hand writing letters (especially personal ones) rather than just typing them out on a computer (or sending off an email). I think handwriting has really suffered with the advent of computers and mobile phones etc.
Social Justice – Another one right up there for me is social justice and social injustice. We live in a cruel world today where the rights of the ordinary person are all too frequently ignored.
Singing – Probably linked to my passion for music and my love of communicating I just love singing and am passionate about it.
Language – Now by this I am not meaning learning and speaking different languages (something I just don’t seem to be able to do myself anymore) but appreciating the gift of language and especially our own language. I truly believe (and am greatly saddened by the way that) mobile phones, social networking sites, chat messengers etc have not only created their own language (which is not such a bad thing) but have done so to the cost of our own languages. Which is a bad thing.

So there you have it. My personal ‘Passions Profile’. And here is my Challenge Committment…

“I Kevin, of the Voices of Glass blog, hereby commit to taking up the ‘Passions Profile Challenge’ and I hereby promise that I will, where able, over the next 14 days look at and explore a different passion each day.

Furthermore, having done so that I day I also commit to then publishing how I did so for that particular passion and also share my experiences of having done so. I hope you will enjoy sharing this challenge with me and will even consider taking up the challenge for yourself.”

So there you have it. The Passions Profile Challenge and my own personal response to it.

I hope you will also agree that this can be beneficial and will follow my own responses to it as well as taking up the challenge for yourself and I look forward to reading those.

Noticing The Lesson, Finding The Blessing.

19 Thursday Apr 2012

Posted by boldkevin in Journal Entry, Mental Health, Mental Illness

≈ 4 Comments

Tags

Mental Health, Mental Illness, Personal Journal

So I am sick again. I hadn’t felt right for a few days and that is how it works sometimes isn’t it?

Instead of suddenly hitting you as the window flies open in a storm, it sneaks up on you like the temperature that drops as the fire that you are dozing in front of goes out.

Having not felt right physically for a few days I had put it down to my not yet having fully recovered from my last bout of illness (which was long enough in itself in my opinion).

And indeed that could be the case, it may still be the same episode and my body was trying to recover and winning the battle for a while but then started losing it again.

Poor mental health and mental illness can manifest itself like that sometimes can’t it? One day we are winning our fight with it and then we suddenly start losing the fight again for a while.

On top of all this my power-pack/charger for my main laptop broke yesterday. I was on the phone and heard a ‘pop’ and my electric tripped. When I reset the electrics and turned them all back on my main computer was only working by battery (which sadly didn’t last long.

Thanks to a friends help I have been able to order a new one but in the mean time am forced the use the older, much slower, less functioning and often freezing, laptop in my bedroom.

Hm now there’s a parallel for you. the faster, effective, high-functioning verses the much slower, less-effective, less functioning. Sounds like the two main states my mind has.

At first I was frustrated by the difference between the two laptops and the numerous limitations of this laptop but as the hours passed I have grown to appreciate what it can offer.

True it isn’t as fast or as effective as the other one and true I can do much less with it. BUT I can still do some things and even if those things take longer I can still do them.

Perhaps the lesson here is that although I often get very frustrated when my mind; slows up, becomes easily over-loaded, can do less, gets confused, and even sometimes seems to freeze-up, I still need to appreciate it for what it can do.

And that is the thing about adversity isn’t it? Often how we approach it is what is important.

So this morning, as I lay on my bed typing this, and trying to get better I have thought about adversity and I leave you with my thoughts on it and which I have just written in my personal journal…

Adversity is a guest which enters most of our lives from time to time and which needs no invitation, although nearly always accepting one when offered.

As it’s host we should offer it only the barest of hospitality, not seeking to feed it nor to encourage it to stay any longer than it has to.

We should welcome it only in the sense that it may have a purpose in being with us and in that same sense we should not show it resentment for its presence.

Instead we are better served by simply asking that whilst with us it shares whatever wisdom and lessons we can or are meant to learn from it.
Kevin A. Deane 19/04/2012

Monsters In The Closet and the proposed DSM-5

18 Wednesday Apr 2012

Posted by boldkevin in Bipolar Disorder, Depression, Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, DSM-5, DSM-V, Mental Health, Mental Illness

≈ 6 Comments

Tags

Bipolar Disorder, Depression, Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, DSM-5, DSM-V, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Paranoid Schizophrenia

Meet Sam.

Sam has a problem which is making life very difficult.

Sam’s closet keeps coming open and stuff keeps falling out.

This is making things difficult for Sam because Sam doesn’t live alone and others often remark or complain or react badly over the stuff falling out and the way this is affecting Sam.

It has been suggested that perhaps there are monsters in the closet.

Some blame Sam and think it is just bad behavior.

Others don’t blame Sam directly but do treat Sam differently as a result of it.

Some are constantly going on about the stuff falling out.

Some don’t complain or remark at all but don’t really trust Sam with things.

Those who are closest to Sam know that Sam’s closet doesn’t work properly and realize that the closet can’t be repaired or replaced because it is inbuilt and too delicate.

One suggested approach is to put string round the door handles to stop the doors coming open and things falling out.

Another approach is to sort out and even remove some of the stuff in there.

But what if there really are monsters in the closet?

LOL Do you feel like you have hit the wrong button and landed on a Children’s story blog instead of a Mental Health blog?

Don’t worry you haven’t I am simply trying to present mental illness in a different and unusual way.

I mean think about it for a moment if you will.

Sam could be male or female and any age and after all do any of us live alone really? Fully alone?

Sam’s ‘closet’ doesn’t have to be a closet at all what if it was really Sam’s mind? After all isn’t someone’s mind inbuilt and delicate – irreplaceable and often unrepairable?

And take a look at those reactions in the story. Aren’t those very familiar reactions to mental illness?

“others often remark or complain or react badly over the stuff falling out and the way this is affecting Sam.“

“It has been suggested that perhaps there are monsters in the closet.”

“Some blame Sam and think it is just bad behavior.”

“Others don’t blame Sam directly but do treat Sam differently as a result of it.”

“Some are constantly going on about the stuff falling out.”

“Some don’t complain or remark at all but don’t really trust Sam with things.”

These are all familiar responses and reactions aren’t they? But let’s also take at those suggest approaches to Sam’s difficulties…

“One suggested approach is to put string round the door handles to stop the doors coming open and things falling out.”

Ah yes the old ‘string around the door handles’ or more appropriately called the “fall-out management approach”. This exists doesn’t it? It has done and has been employed in respect of mental illness and poor mental health for years, sometimes correctly but sadly all too often incorrectly.

It comes in the form of medication.

Now don’t get me wrong here, when the problem really is the fact that the closet is broken and can’t be fixed or replaced sometimes putting string round the door handles is sometimes the only option, just as sometimes when it really is the brain or the mind that is broken and can’t be fixed or replaced medication is sometimes the only option.

BUT it is essential that we do take time to investigate if that is the problem and not something else. To treat the illness and not just the symptoms if you will.

And more importantly we need to be sure that this approach is not taken just because it is the cheapest or less time-consuming option or worse still because of some bureaucrat or healthcare insurance provider somewhere who are as faceless as they are heartless and who won’t fund the right treatment.

Which leaves us with the other suggested approaches?

“Another approach is to sort out and even remove some of the stuff in there.” and “what if there really are monsters in the closet?”

In many respects or cases aren’t these often the best approaches?

Isn’t it true that often stress, trauma, and other things can cause the mind to stop functioning properly or to overflow, or which can present themselves in such a way, that they burst out, or cause difficulties or fall-out in our lives? And that with the right kind of therapy and treatment these things can in time be sorted out and dealt with properly?

Likewise, isn’t it true that for many folk who suffer for poor mental health that poor mental health has resulted from situations and circumstances in life which can either themselves, or the memories of them, or the results of them, become those “monsters in our mental closet”?

BUT are these the only or even the biggest monsters in the closet or even the only kind of closet when it comes to Mental Health? I think not!

Over on the Mental Health Writer’s Guild blog we are discussing the proposed DSM-5 and the effects that will have on Mental Health care provision in America.

We have already heard how in that document there are indicators that in terms of such things as grief they are proposing a ‘medicalizing’ based ‘string around the door-handle’ or ‘fall-out management’ approach which would be extremely inappropriate.

And there appear to be many other major issues within it.

Let me be clear on this…

Poor Mental Health and Mental Illness are serious life debilitating issues which need to be addressed properly and compassionately.

And on this…

Those responsible for impacting and structuring our assessment of and our responses to it should do so according the needs presented, lessons already leaned, and the effectiveness and appropriateness of the treatment available. NOT the financial or the political agendas pushed forward by bureaucrats, healthcare insurance providers, or pharmaceutical companies.

But even clearer on this…

In the opinion of this writer when it comes to mental health the biggest monsters to be feared when it comes to mental health and mental illness are not within the mind of the sufferers but those who linger around the mental health field itself. Those bureaucrats, healthcare insurance providers, or pharmaceutical companies who push their political and financial agendas at the cost of the patient.

And clearest of all on this last point…

Unless some radical changes are put in place, the closet in which we are going to see the biggest and most harmful impact of these monsters will be the DSM-5. The fifth edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental
Disorders.

DSM-5 and you!

17 Tuesday Apr 2012

Posted by boldkevin in Uncategorized

≈ Leave a Comment

Reblogged from Mental Health Writers' Guild:

Responding to a suggestion from one of our members (thanks Candida) I thought I would bring the whole subject of the DSM-5 up for discussion by our members.

Now being someone who lives in Ireland but who is by nationality English and being from a military family the collective initials DSM speaks to me of the Distinguished Service Medal, awarded for meritorious service to military personnel in the UK and by other countries (USA, Australia, Ireland, Mexico etc) to their military personnel.

Um, my body clock is broked again!

17 Tuesday Apr 2012

Posted by boldkevin in Bipolar Disorder and Sleep, Insomnia, Mental Health, Mental Illness

≈ 5 Comments

Tags

Bipolar DIsorder and Sleep, Insomnia, Mental Health, Mental Illness

Well it is now 3 in the morning and once again I am up and cannot sleep.

Now I am no expert in either Chronobiology or body clocks for that matter but I am pretty sure my body clock is broked! LOL.

Last night I sat up till 5.30ish this morning finishing what was then the latest book in the series that I am writing and then I published a quick post and then went to bed and lay there until mid-morning waiting for a call to come through.

I think I finally fell asleep about 11ish and the call finally came through about 1.30 so sleep was not my friend once again. I have written on my problems with this before and we even had a poll on the correlation between Bipolar Disorder and Sleep patterns (the results of which can be viewed here) and I am convinced that there is a link. (Come to think of it my problems with sleep also featrued as the basis of this post.)

I am also convinced that in terms of my own personal sleep patterns they tend to have a very specific and fragile orbit around my lifestyle and the minute that changes that orbit is thrown off. Last night I was up most of the night and tonight the same is repeated. Not by a choice not to sleep (as in last night) but by an inability to sleep.

On a more positive note, not being able to sleep and having ended the book I was writing on a cliff-hanger, I have tonight started writing the next and possibly the final book in the series.

I was thinking of writing a completely different book first – one dealing with many childhood issues – but it seems that will have to wait. (Or possibly I could write them both at the same time – hm now that is an idea).

Perhaps I will try to sleep again soon and use the next fw days to get back on track. ONe of the ironies of that darned sleep orbit/pattern of mine being that whilst it is so easy to throw off track it is very difficult to get back on track it seems.

Hm I wonder if anyone else has the same difficulties?

Finished!

16 Monday Apr 2012

Posted by boldkevin in Journal Entry

≈ 8 Comments

Tags

Personal Journal

Well it is now 5.02 in the morning and I haven’t been to bed yet having got up first thing this morning and stayed up ever since.

Yes I know I will get into trouble for that one BUT I am delighted to say that I have finished!

Yes Book Nine in the series is now completely finished and I am so very pleased!

There is something special, something complete, and something freeing about finishing a book you are writing.

Earlier today I wrote about having to re-look at the structure in my life (or the lack of it in some areas) and to redesign my timetable and to ask for help being disciplined in keeping to it. And indeed my deciding to do so tomorrow.

It seems only fitting therefore that I should have finished writing this book tonight!

In truth I am both exhausted and elated at the moment and I am off to bed and will probably sleep in tomorrow. But boy has it been worth it

Structure and Discipline

15 Sunday Apr 2012

Posted by boldkevin in Bipolar Disorder, Depression, Functionality, Journal Entry, Memory Loss, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Obsessive Behaviour

≈ Leave a Comment

Tags

Bipolar Disorder, Depression, memory loss, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Obsessive Behaviour, Paranoid Schizophrenia

Now there are two words that are sometimes treated as if they are bad words in this world today.

But for those of us who have problems with our mental health and especially if you are like me and have problems with memory and bouts of confusion if not episodes of chaotic thoughts ‘structure and discipline’ are essential.

Structure..

It’s the framework that holds everything together isn’t it?

Without our bone structures, our skeletons, we would be a quivering mess and without definable form. (Hm aren’t I like that anyway sometimes?)

I am a very big guy, obese and way out of condition and in many places you would be hard pressed to locate a bone without the aid of x-rays. You know they are there and in your head you have a rough idea of what my skeleton might look like but in your eyes the picture is very different.

Life, our time, and how we use it, can be like that can’t it? The more we identify and closer we remain to that framework, that structure, the better and healthier it often is. Especially when it comes to my mental health it seems.

But of course doing so, requires attention, effort, discipline.

Discipline…

As a child I was disciplined by my parents. Sometimes well, sometimes badly and sometimes in the wrong way.

[Hey no parent is perfect and I am certainly not having a pop at my parents here.]

But discipline, the right kid of discipline is important isn’t it? Certainly it is important if we need or want to stay close or true to that structure.

In an ideal world the older we get the less we need others to discipline us and the more we discipline ourselves.

Of course poor mental health can remove or reduce our ability to be self-disciplined and thus even as adults we sometimes need others to encourage us or discipline us in the right ways. I freely admit my failings or weaknesses or inabilities in this regard and freely accept my need for the right kind of help when it comes to being disciplined. Not the wrong kind of course

Order is the opposite of chaos. In fact chaos is in many ways the absence of order. Thus, if you do have chaos to one degree or another in your life, introducing order is a way of impacting that chaos in much the same way that darkness is in many ways the absence of light and thus the introduction of light impacts darkness.

Those of you who have been following this blog will know that I started writing novels again recently and in fact I am about a chapter (possibly two) away from completing the latest one. This is incredible and extremely encouraging for me given the difficulties I have had in the past. BuT it comes at a cost and whilst it is no major cost or no great cost I do recognize that cost. And that cost has been that other things have fallen by the wayside for a while.

Nothing so important that it is terribly detrimental for them not to have ben done but still things which I wanted to and should have done.

In truth I do not know if my focussing so relentlessly on writing the book is as a result of the obsessive part of my mental illness or whether it is the result of joy at being able to write again after so long without being able to. (Much the same way as a man coming out of the desert who has gone without water for days and days will try to gulp it down.)

But what I do know is that regardless of the motivation for my having obsessed about the writing of this book I do need to take another look at the structure of my life and to put things back in their proper place and proper priorities.

Our structures, our framework, our skeletons work extremely well because all the pars interconnect properly and serve a function. So too, or so it seems to me, should it be with our schedules and timetables and structures in respect of the employment of our time.

So that is what I intend to be doing tomorrow. Re-looking at my schedule, my structure, the skeleton of my week and reorganizing it and putting all the parts back in the right order.

I will then be asking those who are nearest and dearest to me and who care for me to help me keep to it.

The Dark Side Calleth Me.

14 Saturday Apr 2012

Posted by boldkevin in Anxiety, Bullying, Childhood Memories, Depression, Faith, Journal Entry, Memory Loss, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Paranoid Schizophrenia, Perceptions, Self-Harming, Self-Loathing

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

Bipolar Disorder, Childhood Memories, Christianity and Depression, Christianity and Mental Health, Depression, Distorted Perceptions, Faith, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Paranoid Schizophrenia, Personal Journal, Rejection, Relationships, Self-Doubt, Self-Harming, Self-Hatred, Self-Loathing

Well I am about 2 or 3 chapters away from finishing the current book and I have to admit that I am delighted that I have been able to start writing again.

This is book 9 in the series of books I have written for my kids and when I started writing this current book I realized that it has been some 5 years since I began it and then stopped writing as a result of my memory problems.

But it seems my memory is improving now and this book will be finished soon. So I am faced with the prospect of starting a new book. But the problem is that I have this unyielding compulsion to not start the next and possible final book in this series but to go in a completely different and new direction. To go, if you will, dark.

The current series of books, whilst dealing with some serious issues, is light and casual and is a christian series I have written for my kids and which started out as bed time stories.

But the next potential book – if I do give in to this compulsion and move away from this series for a while – will not be light nor Christian although I have no doubt it will have a faith-based theme running through it.

It will contain elements of my childhood and of my nightmares and could well be very close to home and very raw for me it I do give in and write it. I even have a working title for it.

I have made casual references in the past to the fact that I and my siblings grew up with a father who had a crow as a familiar and who would communicate with that crow everyday.

As a child, growing up with it, it seemed as normal as bacon and eggs. But as an adult – looking back – I now see it very differently. I now understand how having a crow which told me father every last misdemeanor that I did and who was therefore partly responsible for the subsequent disciplining I received, has affected me.

But is it all still too raw? Too close? Too disturbing? Do I really want to put myself through trying to remember and thus in some ways reliving all that stuff?

I am just not sure.

Ah yes but Inside I’m Dancing!

13 Friday Apr 2012

Posted by boldkevin in Bipolar Disorder, Christianity, Chronic Fatigue, CFS, CFIDS, & M.E., Depression, Feelings, Healing, Journal Entry, Mania and/or Manic Episodes, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Mood Swings, Paranoia, Paranoid Schizophrenia, Perceptions, Poor Physical Health, Relationships, Schizophrenia

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

Bipolar Disorder, CFIDS, CFS, Christianity, Christianity and Depression, Christianity and Mental Health, Chronic Fatigue, Depression, Distorted Perceptions, Isolation, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Paranoid Schizophrenia, Personal Journal

Today my mind is thinking about impressions and images. About relationships and understandings, or the lack of them or the wrong understandings. Misunderstandings if you will.

About how we see each other.

If you are looking for a good, light-hearted film which will make you laugh whilst also high-lighting some very real social issues then “Inside I’m Dancing” (Also latterly known as, or entitled in the USA I think as ‘Rory O’Shea Was Here’) is one that i would very much recommend.

I got it some years ago now and am more than happy it forms a part of my DVD collection.

But the real reason I like it so much, apart from the entire storyline, excellent humor and great fun factor, is that it I find it to be inspiring.

Set in Dublin here in the country I have grown to love and call home – Ireland – and focusing mainly on the lives and friendship of two lads who are disabled and the way they impact and challenge each other’s lives, it challenges me also.

My own disabilities are not so obvious but certainly they are there. Some are physical and some mental and certainly they – especially the mental ones – which I try to hide as best I can sometimes get the better of me and become very visible and noticeable at times.

It is, in my experience, these times which often leave a lasting impression and which can seriously affect and even change our relationships with people isn’t it? Trust me, even in a loving church who are aware that you have mental health difficulties, when those difficulties start showing themselves you might as well turned up to church naked.

Because it can feel like that can’t it? When your all of a sudden the poor mental health you have ben trying to keep at bay or at very least keep controlled, becomes so very evident.

You can feel like you suddenly you have become naked and vulnerable and exposed. Either when it happens or, if you have disconnected during it, immediately afterwards when you become aware of it. How people react to it, how they let it affect their relationship with you can so seriously add to those feeling can’t it?

The thing is that my poor mental health and how it affects me are a part of me and I freely accept that BUT they are not all of me nor are they even the biggest part of me.

Even during those times, those times when my poor mental health and resultant struggles and difficulties and behaviour do appear to be the biggest part of me, I am still me and I am still there somewhere behind the chaos and confusion or the blankness or the darkness that you first see.

And do you know what?

Somewhere deep down inside is the real me, the free me, the healed me. And do you know what? He is happy, he is carefree and he is able to be naked, to dance around naked and without a care in the world.

So to all those folk who have witnessed my bad times, and who mainly remember the chaos or the confusion or the blankness or the darkness which sometimes smothers or imprisons me. Just remember this.

Inside I’m Dancing!

The Price of Being High-Functioning

12 Thursday Apr 2012

Posted by boldkevin in Bipolar Disorder, Chronic Fatigue, CFS, CFIDS, & M.E., Depression, Feelings, Functionality, Mental Health, Mental Illness

≈ 4 Comments

Tags

Bipolar Disorder, CFIDS, CFS, Chronic Fatigue, Depression, Distorted Perceptions, Functioning, Paranoid Schizophrenia

Some things can be deceptive can’t they?

Some because they are designed that way and some because we fail to see beyond that which is first presented to us or because we are (IMHO) prone, as a species, to making assumptions.

Perhaps I am just cynical and certainly I accept that not everyone makes assumptions and yet so many folk do seem to don’t they?

‘Functioning’ is one such area in which, in my opinion, so many assumptions are often drawn and all too often drawn in error.

Being high-functioning implies (and yes this is a deliberate simplification) that you are able to cope or to function within social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning quite adequately despite your condition.

To all intents and purposes I am considered to be ‘high-functioning’. Whilst it is true that I am not able to work, that inability to work is mainly as a result of my physical health and not my mental health.

I am, for the most part, extremely articulate and do actually socialize from time to time – generally within a church based environment as a result of my personal faith – and indeed many people who know me would not consider me to have any obvious mental health difficulties.

The trouble is of course that I do and the trouble is that whilst to all intents and purposes I am high-functioning in some areas there are areas in which I don’t function well at all. Areas which folk don’t often see and which, as a result of my apparent high-functioning in other areas, are not only seldom considered but which when they do become apparent folk find hard to understand given how well I function or cope in other areas.

I am an avid writer – writing both novels and poetry and magazine articles and the such and I author several blogs. I used to, up until last year, teach creative writing I fix computers (although I do less of that nowadays as a result of my health etc). I sing and for years led worship in my local church. I design and maintain websites. I draw and paint and sculpt and taught art for some time and am scheduled to do so again soon.

So when friends and family consider what I do they consider me to be extremely high functioning and indeed even my psychiatrists have commented on how well I seem to be coping.

The difficulty is of course that ‘seeming to be coping’ and actually coping are two different things entirely and all this comes at a cost and takes a lot more effort for me than for most folk. Effort which I, and I am fairly confident a lot of others in similar positions to me, hide and try not to let people see.

We want to be high-functioning or at least adequately functioning don’t we? We need to be high-functioning, adequately functioning, coping.

It is inbuilt to seek to ‘get better’, to cling to evidence that we are indeed ‘getting better’ or at very least ‘managing as best we can’.

Additionally isn’t it equally important to many of us that we are not a ‘burden’ to others or that we don’t cause concern or worry for others? But in so doing are we creating a rod for our own back? Are we feeding the very difficulties that others have in understanding the difficulties we experience with or as a result of our poor mental-health?

Is there a price of being high-functioning? Yes, I am convinced that there is. Whilst I accept that some of that is down to my own actions or my inability to show or share what I am truly going through sometimes, I think a great deal of that price is the loneliness and the feeling that folk really don’t understand which often results from my lack of sharing and other people’s assumptions.

More baby steps

04 Wednesday Apr 2012

Posted by boldkevin in Chronic Fatigue, CFS, CFIDS, & M.E., Journal Entry, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Paranoid Schizophrenia, Schizophrenia

≈ 4 Comments

Tags

CFIDS, CFS, Chronic Fatigue, Depression, Mental Health, Paranoid Schizophrenia, Personal Journal, Schizophrenia

Well I did manage to spend some time out of bed today and also managed to do a couple of things around the house.

Although not as much as I would have liked and I also managed to write some more of the book.

Not an easy task when your mind is getting progressively worse as the day passes and when your fingers are feeling the cold.

And I have to say boy were they cold and Man did it suddenly get cold here today! Although thankfully the threatened snow has not yet arrived.

The day started off enjoyable but the voices were at me a little this morning.

By the end of the day, (Which is when I am writing this) they are just constantly at me and affording me no respite.

But that is how, well for me at least, they seem to operate sadly and it seems so very hard to get people to understand that. Something happens and the voices which are there but no aggressively so, seem to change character and intent and they become very vocal and very aggressive in their approach.

So I find myself still fatigued and indeed now mentally fried not to mention also being somewhat disheartened yet again.

Still tomorrow is another day and I at least have the relative sanctity of my bed to look forward to tonight and hopefully a little warmth as well.

Night all.

Recovering Slowly

02 Monday Apr 2012

Posted by boldkevin in Journal Entry

≈ 4 Comments

Tags

Personal Journal

Well today has been a better day thankfully.

I managed to get up and to spend some time out of bed and although I am still extremely tired did manage to accomplish so things today.

I recorded and uploaded some poems to Deep From Within my poetry blog. Which I have been wanting to do for some time now and am so very pleased that I managed to do this.

I also managed to finish writing a post on this blog which I have been thinking about writing (and in fact attempting to write) for a few days now.

Sadly I was either physically too fatigued or mentally too tired to get it to come out right until today.

Other than that I have done very little but small steps are often the best steps on the road to recovery.

Sadly I didn’t manage to do any chores or housework today but given the state of my health that is a good thing and at least it demonstrates that I am exercising some form of wisdom at least.

I am going back to bed soon as I am trying not to overdo things, but at least when I do go back to bed I can so fairly contented at what I have been able to achieve

Guilt-Edged Bonds.

02 Monday Apr 2012

Posted by boldkevin in Uncategorized

≈ 3 Comments

Despite appearances to the contrary, there is no typo in the title I have chosen. In fact I have been struggling over this post for days as it is so real and sensitive to me.

I warn you now that it has all the makings of a long post, and I apologize for this but I hope that you will read it and indeed comment on it and that it will be worthwhile reading.

So let’s start by looking at a couple of definitions…

Definition of ‘Gilt-Edged Bond’

A bond that is issued by a blue chip company. These bonds are considered to be high-grade, with little risk of interest payment interruption or default.

[Above definition taken from Investopedia]

Definition of ‘Guilt-Edged Bond’

A bond that is changed or strongly influenced by the introduction of and/or the retention of guilt. These bonds are considered to be high-grade by the person applying that guilt to another but low-grade to the person it is applied to or who is applying it themselves, with little risk of further additional investment by the person applying the guilt to another and great personal cost to that other person or indeed the person applying it to themselves.

[Above definition taken from years of experience]

Of course the bonds referred to in the first definition are the financial kind – (promissory notes if you will) and the bonds referred to in the second definition are those of relationships.

Likewise the gilt in the first definition refers to value and quality whereas the guilt in the second definition is something very different indeed.

So let’s look at that guilt for a moment…

I am convinced that when it comes to guilt there are two basic types – ‘Appropriate Guilt’ and ‘Inappropriate Guilt’.

I have to tell you that in my opinion there are very few things so cancerous and so detrimental to someone’s; personal happiness, their self-esteem/self-image, and/or their mental health as ‘inappropriate guilt’.

‘Inappropriate Guilt’
Inappropriate Guilt, in my opinion, can be defined as: any guilt which is either unjustly or incorrectly applied or accepted or which either goes unaddressed or which is improperly addressed.

‘Appropriate Guilt’
Appropriate Guilt however is, I believe, guilt which is justly applied or experienced and which is correctly addressed.

Appropriate Guilt is, if you like, a conviction over something which we have said or done and which we should not have said or done. (Or conversely it is something which we have failed to say or do and which we should have said or done.)

Additionally it is something which is then responded to in such a way that it is learnt from and which then leads to a commitment to a) not repeat said actions and b) where possible to repair any damage done.

Guilt is, in short, a mechanism.

And let’s be certain of this one essential fact. Once it has served that purpose it ceases to be either useful or beneficial to us and instead of being a mechanism or a springboard to action it becomes instead a very heavy weight.

As parents we teach our children right from wrong and we encourage them to do right and discourage them from doing wrong. If they deliberately choose to do wrong we then address that and part of addressing that is indeed the discouragement of choosing to do it wrong again.

BUT a key part of it should also be the removal of any guilt that child may feel as a result of his or her actions.

This is without doubt a very sensitive area for me personally. I have already in previous posts mentioned how my relationship, indeed my perception, of my father differs from that of my siblings towards my father.

He was in fact a very dutiful and responsible man and a good father in many ways but he was also, in my understanding and experience of him, a man who was strict and rigid and authoritarian in his approach.

I, for my part, was an overly bright and yet often rebellious child and one who was experiencing and trying to deal with a great many emotional and mental issues. Issues which mainly due to the time and society in which I grew up, I never fully understood nor ever trusted, nor shared with anyone – least of all my parents.
Additional to the normal everyday boyishness the mental and emotional issues I was secretly trying to deal with caused me to behave or to respond in ways which were either rebellious in their own right or simply misunderstood as being rebellious.
So, having himself been raised very strictly, my father’s response to this was usually; fast, harsh, unequivocal and trust me made a very real impact on my rear end!

But there within lies the problem. I have little to no doubt whatsoever that as a parent my father, through his actions, sought to ‘teach me right from wrong’ and to ‘encourage me to do right and discourage me from doing wrong’.

Likewise I do not doubt for one moment that the numerous hidings that I received in response to what was seen as my ‘deliberately choosing to do wrong’ was his way of ‘addressing that and a part of addressing that was indeed the discouragement of my choosing to do it wrong again.‘

BUT that ‘key part’ which I mentioned earlier – the key part of the removal of any guilt that child may feel as a result of his or her actions was sadly all too often missing from the equation.

As a result of; either the severity of his response, or because of his (often understandable) inability to properly contextualize my behaviour, or indeed my own inability to understand or communicate the reasons for my behaviour, his response all too often came across as unjust, unfair or extreme.

This then became the focus of the entire situation, clouded the issues, and inevitably damaged my own image of myself. Only adding to any guilt which I felt and not removing it.

So much so in fact that the impact those responses made on my rear end are nothing compared to the impact that it made on my self-esteem/self-image and indeed our relationship.

Our relationship sadly became, and what is more even more sad, remained to the day of his death, guilt-edged.

Why am I sharing this with you now? Do I have some need to bare my soul in this regard?

Possibly, although trust me there was enough being ‘bared’ way back then when this was all happening.

Or possibly it is because I recognize so clearly how that has impacted my life and how it is still having an impact and sadly in some ways being replicated in my relationship to this day. Not least of all within my relationship with myself.

Part of my mental health, and I seriously doubt I am alone in this, is the fact that I obsess over situations where I fail to live up to my own expectations or where I offend or seem to let others down in some way.

I cannot begin to describe the level of emotional pain or mental anguish that I go through when this happens, nor indeed the effect that any resultant ‘inappropriate guilt’ has on me and on my emotional and mental health. And I recognize how silently and secretly it can also do so.

I am convinced that for me personally, and quite possibly for many others – perhaps for you also – part of working towards our own emotional healing and mental wellness is being willing and able to perform a ‘guilt audit’ in respect of both our past and present relationships alike.

We need to look at whether guilt is present in our relationships with others and also with ourselves.

We need to determine where it is coming from.

We need to determine whether or not that guilt is (or was) ‘appropriate’ or ‘inappropriate’.

And once we have done this we then need to either a) make it appropriate – and thus then respond to it correctly or b) remove it from our lives and those relationships.

Is there ‘inappropriate guilt’ that we are accepting or allowing or experiencing in our relationships with others or even with ourselves? Is there inappropriate guilt that we are applying to others even? If so it needs to be addressed.

Guilt is an acquaintance we all from time to time meet, and one whose purpose and benefits we should recognize. But it should never become a companion and never the reason or key part of any bonds that we make or have.

Doctor, Doctor I think I have BiPillar Disorder.

31 Saturday Mar 2012

Posted by boldkevin in Behavior, Bipolar Disorder, Chronic Fatigue, CFS, CFIDS, & M.E., Depression, Functionality, Medication Management, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Paranoid Schizophrenia, Poor Physical Health

≈ 5 Comments

Tags

Bipolar Disorder, Depression, Medication Management, Mental Health, Mental Illness

Spending so much time in bed gives your mind time to think doesn’t it? That is of course if the time in bed is waking time and not sleeping time.

Yesterday, part of that time was spent thinking about my own and other people’s different approaches and attitudes to medication.

Some of these approaches and attitudes I relate to so very much, others I see as being understandable and yet others I have to admit strike me as being a little cavalier even reckless.

I guess if I am honest I have a kind of BiPILLar Disorder often fluctuating from one extreme to the other in respect of the meds that I have to take.

Sometimes I recognize them for what they are – essential and liberating even and yet at other times I see them as anything but liberating.

And subsequently I therefore really resent them and loathe having to take the darn things and yes ( I will be honest here) even end up not taking them.

(LOL as you can see being in bed so much also gave me time to play with some graphics and animations)

Add to this the question of your acceptability and how people see you as being on and off your meds.

And let’s not fail to recognize the duplicitous nature of this. “That can’t really be what I am like?” versus the “Well even if it is, don’t I have a right to be loved and accepted for who I truly am and not just the chemically altered version of me?”

The truth is of course that meds do have different functions.

Some of them I have to take, according to the specialists, in order to stay alive or to extend my life span. (Which of course poses its own problems since often I am so depressed that extending my life span is counter-intuitive and this therefore affects my willingness to take those meds.)

Others – both physiologically and psychologically based medications – are designed to simply improve my quality of life.

Whilst yet others are intended not so much to improve my quality of life as they are to simply allow me to function.

Especially some of the psychologically based ones it seems. Without which my brain often doesn’t function anywhere near where I need to be and sometimes even seems to stall.

So on the face of it both physically and mentally these meds range from beneficial to essential and how good or bad I am about taking them really does affect me.

In fact I adapted these graphics into a chart that I am seriously thinking of printing off and placing on a t-shirt so that people can see where I am in respect of taking my meds.

The trouble is that I am meant to take a considerable amount of them every day and it gets so very tedious doesn’t it?

You get to feel that the constant need to take medication is somehow de-humanizing you or at very least making you somehow less-organic and that you are becoming just one collection of different medications.

This of course can feed into a desire to be well and healthy independent from or at very least less dependant on that medication.

And there is another consideration here isn’t there?…

The plain simple fact of the matter is that no matter how good or experienced our doctors or psychiatrists may be, when you consider such variables as…

The level of demand being placed upon physical and mental health care professionals nowadays.
The limited amount of time that they have available for each patient/client.
The shere volume of different medications and pharmaceuticals out there.
The differing physiology of each individual patient.

they can’t possibly fully know how these meds are affecting us. So we feel justified in taking things into our own hands. And after all isn’t it entirely right that we have a say in the management of our own medication?

But there within lies the problem I feel.

Do I agree that we should have that say in the management of our own medication? Yes absolutely BUT [and like mine it is a very big BUT ] that say must be both educated, informed and totally objective.

If we truly want a say in the management of our own medication, and I believe we should, all of the factors above – including our own tendencies, character quirks, likes, dislikes, mental conditions, weakness and even deluded thinking – should, in my opinion, be taken into consideration not just the limitations of our psychiatrists and doctors and not just our desires.

An Optimistic Hello

30 Friday Mar 2012

Posted by boldkevin in Bipolar Disorder, Chronic Fatigue, CFS, CFIDS, & M.E., Depression, Fun, Mental Health, Mental Illness

≈ 4 Comments

Tags

Bipolar Disorder, CFIDS, CFS, Chronic Fatigue, Depression, Mental Health, Mental Illness

Well I have finally given in and agreed to spend the day in bed. It is something I actively avoid like the plague as it reminds me of how bad my health can get sometimes and I personally believe – rightly or wrongly depending on which specialist you listen too – that fighting my CFIDS by pushing through the fatigue is more advisable than giving into my body’s desire for rest.

So, armed with a good book to read – ‘The Trouble with Alex ( A Child too Damaged)’ by Melanie Allen, for when I can muster up enough energy to actually hold something as immensely heavy as a paperback book (Sarcasm I know but hey it helps me through) plus my Netflix subscription and a DVD or three, I am ensconced in my bed all set for a lazy day.

The first DVD of choice this morning was ‘Fry’s Planet Word’ in which Stephen Fry looks at language.

As a writer and blogger I love language and so I was really keen on seeing this DVD and it is one I have been ‘stock piling’ for just such an inevitable occasion of having time to spare and no energy to go with it.

I have to tell you, even the opening statement of this DVD fascinated me and encouraged me greatly.

“Hello. You know just saying that one word is one of the most complex and extraordinary operations we know. 70 muscles and half a billion brain cells go into it.”

Isn’t that staggering! LOL here I am fatigued and frankly a little fed up, hardly able to move a single muscle without pain or extreme effort and just by saying hello I can move 70 muscles!

I am so tempted to spend the morning saying ‘Hello’ to TJ my dog, and faithful companion, one hundred times. Just so next time I see my physiotherapist I can proudly (if not a little deceptively) announce that I had moved 7,000 muscles in one morning alone.

The fact that it was the same 70 muscles one hundred times and them all being in my jaw/head being something that I might neglect to mention

But what is more encouraging to me, however, is the fact that despite the struggles that I, and indeed many of us face, with regard to our mental health I can still cause half a billion of my brain cells to function properly and in so doing say “hello”!

Isn’t that wonderful? And yes I realize that this, in some ways, qualifies me as an eternal optimist.

(Oh, and by the way. It occurs to me that if someone ever claims to be an ‘eternal pessimist’ you might want to just point out to them that even acknowledging that there is such a thing as ‘eternity’ is ‘optimistic’ in itself and thus perhaps they aren’t as pessimistic as they might believe. LOL)

But then can’t we all benefit from looking at and seeing things a little differently sometimes?

Life is beautiful, wonderful, inspirational, precious and amazing in so many different ways and no matter how much richness and color our mental health may rob from our perception of life sometimes there is one simple basic truth that I guarantee you.

The life of your family, your friends, your neighbors and those around you would have less richness and less color if you weren’t a part of it.

Sometimes that is hard for us to see that truth and yes, I have to be honest here since it has taken me hours to even type this, I struggle to see that myself sometimes. But how about today we all dare to think outside the box?

Even the box our poor mental health tries to confine us too?

How about today we reach out, from the things that seek to confine us and suppress or even oppress us and dare to be free! Free to reach out and say “Hello world, I am still here and still fighting!” and to do so by bringing some magic into our own lives and the lives of those around us.

Tag I’m it! Three – The Movie Edition

29 Thursday Mar 2012

Posted by boldkevin in Fun, Just for Fun, Trivia

≈ 3 Comments

Tags

Fun, Just For Fun, Trivia

Recently I joined in the Tagging game but in doing so neglected to come up with 11 questions of my own.

So I promised to remedy this oversight on my part and in doing so wanted to come up with questions which gave us a chance to get to know each other a little better but which would also be a little different to all the others.

Shortly after this Lulu over at As the Pendulum Swings came up with ‘Tag I’m It Too’ which is not a game you send to others but one you just play on your own blog and which other bloggers can choose to play along with or not.

So, taking all these factors into consideration, I came up ‘Tag I’m It Three – The Movie Edition’ (aka ‘My LIfe in a Movie’) and I hope you will play along and enjoy doing so….

Playing it is, as I say, completely optional and the idea is to just copy the questions below and then put in your own answers. (It would also be kind of you if you would let me know you are playing along )

‘My Life In A Movie’ Questions…

1. Is there an actor or a character in an existing movie or TV Series that you have already watched and who made you think – “WOw! he or she is so like me!” and if so who is he or she (please also name the character and film or Tv show if a character.)

1a. In what ways are they are so much like you?

2. If they were to make a movie about your life - What periods of your life would you want it to be about (State the ages you would be)

2a. Why those periods?

3. If they were to make a movie about your life – which well-known actor or actress would you want to play you in it? (If you want to you can name different actors / actresses for different ages in the movie)

3a. Why that/those actor(s) or actress(es)?

4. If they were to make a movie about your life – which well-known actor or actress would you want to play your significant other/partner – if you had/have a partner in that movie? (Again you can choose different ones for different ages in your life)

4a. Why that/those actor(s) or actress(es)?

5. If they were to make a movie about your life – which well-known actor or actress would you want to play your parents – if you were to have parents in that movie? (Again you can choose different ones for different ages in your life)

5a. Why that/those actor(s) or actress(es)?

6. If they were to make a movie about your life - What era would you want it to be set in if not in your actual era?

6a. Why did you choose that era?

7. If they were to make a movie about your life – what would you want it to be called?

7a. Why did you choose that name?

8. If they were to make a movie about your life – what genre would you want it to be?

[Here is a list of possible genres - Action, Adult, Adventure, Animation, Children's, Comedy, Crime, Documentary. Drama, Family, Fantasy, Film-Noir, Horror, Martial Arts, Musical, Mystery, religious, Right of Passage, Romance, Romantic-Comedy, Scifi, Silent, Sports-based, Thriller, War, Western]

8a. Why did you choose that Genre?

9. If they were to make a movie about your life – and you had to write a one paragraph description/advertisement for the movie what would you write?

10. If they were to make a movie about your life – which one message would you want audiences to get from seeing that movie?

11. If they were to make a movie about your life – who would you least like to see it and why?

And in the spirit of fair play here are my answers in order to start the ball rolling so to speak…

My ‘My Life in a Movie’ Answers…

Yes: As an adult – Dr. House from the series House or in some ways Sheldon from the Big Bang Theory or Spok or Data from Star Trek. As a child – Dennis the Menace ( Momma gave that answer for me)

1b. In what ways are they are so much like you?

In respect of Dr. House and Sheldon and Spok/Data because the characters are so much like me in many ways and to various degrees. In respect of Dennis The Menace I could not for the life of me think why Momma would have said such a thing about me.

2. If they were to make a movie about your life - What periods of your life would you want it to be about (State the ages you would be)

Childhood, teenage and early adulthood.

2a. Why that or those periods?

Because I think they are the most relevant and the differences in me in each period would be interesting I think.

Ricky Schroder as a child. River Phoenix as me as a teenager and possibly John Goodman as an adult

3a. Why that/those actor(s) or actress(es)?

Ricky Schroder (Child) because he looks a little like I did and was a phenomenal actor.

River Phoenix (Teenager) because of his acting skills but because he was I think as troubled as I was.

John Goodman (Adult) because my kids say he reminds them of me

Jodie Foster

4a. Why that/those actor(s) or actress(es)?

She is a phenomenal actress and it would need someone who was tough enough to cope with me.

Father – Robert De Niro

Mother – Elizabeth Taylor

5a. Why that/those actor(s) or actress(es)?

Father – Robert De Niro because again he is a phenomenal actor and because of his portrayal in ‘This Boy’s life’

Mother – Elizabeth Taylor, because she is an excellent actress and reminds me of my mum.

6. If they were to make a movie about your life - What era would you want it to be set in if not in your actual era?

1950′s

6a. Why did you choose that era?

I think I am more suited to that era. But then perhaps what happened to me would come across differently

7. If they were to make a movie about your life – what would you want it to be called?

Jaded

7a. Why did you choose that name?

It expresses what happened.

8. If they were to make a movie about your life – what genre would you want it to be?

Action, thriller, Right of Passage

8a. Why did you choose that Genre?

They are the most fitting.

9. If they were to make a movie about your life – and you had to write a one paragraph description/advertisement for the movie what would you write?

One boy – born, torn, and scorned (and yet also saved) by the confusion of his own mind.

10. If they were to make a movie about your life – which one message would you want audiences to get from seeing that movie?

No matter what the circumstances of life, there is always hope.

11. If they were to make a movie about your life – who would you least like to see it and why?

My family because I wouldn’t want to cause them any pain.

So there you have it the Movie Edition questions and my answers I hope you found them interesting and enjoy playing along yourself.

And I leave you with this final thought…

A Picture Paints A Thousand Words…

29 Thursday Mar 2012

Posted by boldkevin in Art, Bipolar Disorder, Depression, Just for Fun, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Relationships

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

Bipolar Disorder, Depression, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Relationships

I wanted to share something with you this morning. No long soliloquy, or elegant narrative, just a picture.

A picture which I found when I clicked on my Facebook page last night and which immediately impacted me.

A picture which reminded me that we all affect each other’s mental health and all have a responsibility when it comes to the mental health of those around us and those we know.

I hope it paints for you as many words as it does for me…

Facing the unbelief…

27 Tuesday Mar 2012

Posted by boldkevin in Bipolar Disorder, Chronic Fatigue, CFS, CFIDS, & M.E., Depression, Journal Entry, Memory Loss, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Paranoia, Paranoid Schizophrenia, Poor Physical Health

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

Bipolar Disorder, CFIDS, CFS, Chronic Fatigue, Depression, memory loss, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Paranoid Schizophrenia, Personal Journal

“Um. Hello. Hello.” The voice on the telephone sounded somehow urgent. “Is there anyone there?”

“Yes I am here.” Came the cool, calm, and collected response from the attendant. “How can I help you?”

“Oh. Good.” the caller replied. “Is that The Cube? The most secure mental asylum in the country?”

“Yes it is.” the attendant responded. “How can we help you?”

“This is very important.” The caller advised him. “I need you to go to cell 13 and then come back and tell me what you see.”

“I am sorry?” The mystified attendant replied. “You want me to what?”

“Trust me there’s no time to explain.” The caller insisted urgently. “You have to go to cell 13 and then come back and tell me what you see.”

Totally surprised by the demand and somewhat alarmed by the caller’s insistence and the urgency in the caller’s tone the attendant quickly laid the telephone handset on the desk and rushed off to do as he was told.

Many moments later and many doors unlocked and relocked then unlocked and relocked once again, the now somewhat panicky and out of breath attendant picked up the telephone handset.

“I, I, I don’t understand it.” Stuttered the breathless attendant. “It, it’s impossible but Cell 13 is completely empty and the cell door has been left wide open.”

“Oh good.” Came the now calm and reassured voice of the caller. “That means I have escaped.”

Ok so it is an old joke and one that will no doubt evoke different reactions in different readers.

Some, who have heard it or a version of it before, may simply groan and say, “that old chestnut” or something along those lines.

Others, who perhaps have not heard it before or even those who have, may find the talk of mental asylums and even the whole premise of the joke disturbing perhaps even offensive. I assure you I did not intend for it to be.

Some of course, might find it amusing.

Yet others, and certainly I would be prone to this kind of response, might not only experience one of the aforementioned reactions but then also go on to analyze it further.

The caller is calling ‘the cube’ – a place which both he (or she) refered to, and which the attendant confirmed, as being, “the most secure mental asylum in the country.”

The caller is obviously calling from somewhere else other than ‘the cube’. We know this as a result of the need to confirm that they had actually got through to someone in ‘the cube’.

Furthermore the caller, from their final response of “Oh good. That means I have escaped.”, must have been the occupant of Cell 13 and since they were calling from somewhere else other than ‘the cube’ surely they should have already known they had escaped.

Ah but that’s the part that I can relate to so well. Even in the face of the obvious there is an inability or perhaps an unwillingness to believe.

No matter what your reaction to the old joke maybe and certainly I do understand all of the reactions I listed above isn’t there some truth in the joke? You may be repelled by the circumstances in the joke or even the inference of the joke but does that remove or negate the truth contained within?

I have mental health problems and like the caller in the joke I have real trouble accepting or believing the obvious sometimes. What is more, whilst the joke may present a more extreme situation than thankfully a lot of us experience, I am fairly certain that I am not alone in having difficulties accepting or believing the obvious…

That I really can be loved.

That I am worth loving.

That I can still contribute something to society despite all my medical and psychological flaws, difficulties, and/or conditions.

That I am able to achieve despite all the negative arguments from all the neigh-sayers that are so keen to warn against trying.

The fact of the matter is that I am convinced that if we take a little time to step back and look objectively at our lives, even in the midst of all our mental or physical health challenges, there are victories that we have already won. It is these victories, I believe, that are the nuts and bolts or the rivets and studs that hold our armour together against future attacks and which can give us the motivation and the confidence to go on and to attempt and subsequently to achieve more things.

Recognizing and acknowledging those victories is therefore important and essential.

I am of course not recommending that we ignore all advice which tells us to be cautious or to take it easy or to exercise wisdom in what we attempt. Without doubt some of that advice is both wise and beneficial but working out where it is coming from, how credible it is and indeed which advice we should or shouldn’t listen to can certainly help us.

An excellent example of this – in my own situation – is in respect of my poor, all too absent memory and the echoing advice that I have received to simply ‘let it go’ and ‘not to try to recover’ for those memories not currently available to me.

“Your mind has probably forgotten them or suppressed them for a reason” has been the suggestion made by several people including psychiatrists. “Perhaps it is better therefore to just ‘let it go’ and ‘not to try to recover’ those memories.

I refuse to live that way and I likewise I refuse to be defeated by this. Those memories are important to me if i am going to retrace and rebuild and to understand my mental health and its effects on me. Likewise, being able to retain future memories is also very important to me.

So in response to this, the other day I started a new blog on which I am going to record past events in my life as and when they come to me and today I managed to write out one such event.

Will this potentially place me in a position where I have to face my own demons? Yes I have no doubt it will but you know what? I have faced them before and survived to tell the tale. How’s that for recognizing and using those past victories!

Was it a good memory? Well yes actually it was amusing to rethink it and remember it even if it did then lead onto somewhat darker thoughts.

“Without illness would we truly appreciate good health?” is a saying that comes to mind and which I have often said in the past. Those dark thoughts were present certainly but were put into context by the victory that I felt I had achieved in the process.

It has been a good day today and I am extremely thankful. In respect of my health I am still just as fatigued as before and I still have this darn flu. But it hasn’t beaten me or debilitated me. I managed to redesign this appearance of this blog, to a much more appealing design I think. I managed to write some more to the book. I managed to update some websites. I managed to re-face past events and to do so without crashing into a more depressive state.

I am incredibly tired, now but just as thankful and I am tired.

Tomorrow is another day and another chance to claim more ground in my journey towards wellness!

A Change is as good as a rest…

27 Tuesday Mar 2012

Posted by boldkevin in Announcement, Blog News

≈ 8 Comments

Tags

Announcement, Blog News

…to a blind bat!

It’s funny isn’t it? How sometimes on expression oft used in the past will come into your thoughts?

“A change is as good as a rest to a blind bat”. It’s an expression my father used to say when I was a boy. Frankly, given my memory problems I am amazed that I even remembered him saying it.

Where the phrase originally comes from I have no idea. The ‘a change is as good as a rest’ part is fairly common and I can’t help wondering if the ‘to a blind bat’ part isn’t an add-on taken from the Monty Python Flying Circus sketch. But either way it is something my father used to say and one of his many expressions that never really made much sense to me bless him.

But anyway, the reason I make mention of it is because I am today meant to be resting. Recognizing that my health (both mental and physical) are taking a nose dive I really ought to be in bed. BUt then recognizing and acknowledging something is completely different to (if not all part of the process of) doing something about it.

Now some, those who care to care, will be quite vociferous in their attempts to get me to stay in bed, but I would hope that others would understand how difficult it is for me to do so. There are indeed days, many days sadly, when I have no say in the matter but on days like this, when I do indeed have a choice, I need to push on and be active and productive.

And so, seeing as I need to be productive and yet also need to exercise caution when it comes to how much activity I do today, I thought I would do a little redecorating and play with the design of this site.

At least one person, whose blogger friendship I truly value, has mentioned having difficulties with her computer and with loading this site and it did occur to me that perhaps the previous design was memory hungry and thus causing her computer problems. So changing it seemed advisable for that reason too.

I have, as you may have noticed, gone for a cleaner, brighter and more clinical looking theme for the site. “White is the new black” it seems in blog fashion and certainly it is much easier to accessorize with. (Did you like my Gok Wan impression there?)

Additionally, seeing as I have made no secret about my identity and the fact that I have mental health difficulties, (although I perfectly understand those folk who choose not to) I thought I would add a little pic of me to the blog. Hm is that borderline egotistical I wonder?

In truth my aim, in designing the header, was to try to achieve a more personal look which showed optimism and happiness despite the nagging condition always present in the background and represented by the masks.

Will I keep this theme and appearance for this blog? I am really not sure. It is one of the benefits of WordPress – they do have a fairly varied selection of themes available (although I must admit that most of them don’t really appeal to me). But it is entirely possible that I might just change it again or revert back to the old-faithful one which I kind of liked.

But – seeing as you the reader have to look at it as much as me – please feel free to let me know what you think.

Self-Destructive Behaviour

26 Monday Mar 2012

Posted by boldkevin in Anxiety, Bipolar Disorder, Chronic Fatigue, CFS, CFIDS, & M.E., Depression, Diabetes, Journal Entry, Mania and/or Manic Episodes, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Paranoia, Paranoid Schizophrenia, Poor Physical Health

≈ 5 Comments

Tags

Bipolar Disorder, CFIDS, CFS, Chronic Fatigue, Depression, Manic Episodes, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Paranoid Schizophrenia, Personal Journal

I wonder if that is a term that you ever consider, or if not that exact term whether you ever consider that kind of behaviour?

Do you see it in others? Do you see it on yourself? Are you able to recognize it in others much quicker or far easier than you recognize it in yourself?

Are you ever guilty of self-destructive behaviour? Is it something you only seem to recognize in hindsight?

I found this t-shirt over on zazzle.co.uk and do you know what? I truly think all of my clothes need to be fitted with a self-destruct button. Heck it would be a lot quicker and much more humane than some of the slower more painful and protracted methods I seem to employ in order to partially self-destruct.

Do you ever feel yourself slipping into a depressive episode and yet fail to do anything about it? Perhaps it is that you are already too far gone to care or to lethargic or depressed to be able to get motivated?

Do you ever see yourself approaching a manic episode and again do nothing about it. Perhaps the mania has already started to take hold and it is a forgone conclusion.

As a child I think I had a Scalextric™ set. I say I think I do as my memory of my childhood is pretty sparse but if I didn’t I am sure either my older or younger brother did and even if they and I didn’t I do know that my son Matthew had one and possibly a Total Control Racing™ car set.

They are great fun – cars whizzing around a plastic track at high speeds. I remember Matthew having a Rover police car with flashing lights and siren sounds. Hm I wonder if I actually bought it for him or just as an excuse to give me something to play with? Nah I am sure it was for him (mainly lol).

The thing is that there was a level of certain predictability with both of those racing car sets. That predictability being that if your car was going too fast when you hit a chicane, a crossover, or a turning it would inevitably fly off the track.

And here’s thew strange thing about it. So many of us (and I very much include myself in this) even thought we are fully aware of that inevitability often failed to slow down in readiness!

It was as if either we just got too caught up in the race and the determination to beat the person we were racing or we simply defied the odds and thought that ‘this time’ we could get away with it.

Of course we almost never did ‘get away with it’. Not that that taught us anything, (well not me at least).

But the sad thing is that I have to confess that in so many ways that Scalextric™ Track and even more sadly my approach to it, is very much like my mental and even my physical health and the way I approach it.

For a couple of weeks now I have been battling with this flu and seem unable to shift it. I have felt so very tired and fatigued. My CFIDS is kicking my butt once again and on top of all that I have been experiencing dizzy spells.

Additionally I have noticed that my mental health has been getting progressively worse – just like it does immediately before I enter into an episode and yet I am still pushing myself and doing too much.

I don’t know what it is about me that makes me do this? I do know that I dislike being sick and inactive for any length of time – which given my health is something that I can’t avoid. And perhaps this has something to do with it.

But the truth is that I know that when it comes to my mental health – I am approaching a chicane, a crossover, or a turning and I am failing to slow down.

Again I am fully aware fo the inevitability of approaching this too fast and yet again I am doing nothing about it.

Am I the only one who does this? Or is it something common within those of us who do suffer from poor mental health?

To be perfectly honest I just don’t know and in fact to be perfectly honest I am not sure just what I could do about it.

This evening I went to make a coffee and once again got hit by a sudden unexpected dizzy spell. I had not exerted myself at all, I hadn’t just stood up, I can find no logical obvious reason for it but bang there it was.

I had been sat relaxing and watching some television and fancied a drink and so got up to go make one. I went into kitchen and filled the kettle and put it on to boil and was then stood perfectly calmly watching television in the kitchen when bang it hit me.

I grabbed at the counters in my kitchen in order to steady myself and remained there for a little while. Then grabbing for one of my kitchen chairs I sat down for a bit and then after a little while felt ok again so made that drink. I then carefully made my way to my study and checked my blood sugars ( I am diabetic) and they were ok. Not great but ok and certainly not anywhere bad enough to cause such a spell.

I have decided that I am, going to go to bed tonight (well this morning since it is now 1 am) and have a lay in tomorrow and try to pace myself tomorrow. Not that I did a great deal of strenuous activity today, having spent most of the day in my study working at the computer.

What will happen in respect of the impending episode I am just not sure. When it will actually hit me full-force and with how much force I again do not know.

But what is even more concerning is that I don’t know how to stop it or to prepare myself for it.

Memory Upgrade

26 Monday Mar 2012

Posted by boldkevin in Memory Loss

≈ Leave a Comment

Tags

memory loss

Well since my computer has been really struggling of late I decided it was time to get either a memory upgrade or a new laptop.

A real God-send is that the memory upgrade didn’t cost as much as I at first thought and ended up being a gift as well as a Godsend – which I am so very grateful for.

So this morning the memory upgrade that I had ordered arrived and within minutes was carefully installed within its new home. Although I kind of feel sorry for the old memory which is now sat looking all forlorn on my study desk.

LOL Hmm I wonder if it will fit in my old laptop? Now that would be an interesting thing to try.

I have to tell you that at the moment my laptop seems to be running so much better and although it is still early days and too soon to really tell what difference it will make, I am fairly optimistic.

I of course have been running CCleaner – a free cleanup program – on my computer for months now and whilst this has helped and is always a good thing to have and use regularly in my opinion, the new memory was essential.

Why can’t I have a memory implant or upgrade? Seriously now. My brain doesn’t work properly either and whilst I really do try to run and psychological cleaner on my brain regularly – aren’t are blogs in some way a cleanup process? – it doesn’t always seem to improve things too much.

Is having a memory implant or upgrade such a mad-cap idea?

After all don’t we already know that the hippocampus (and no that is not the latin name for a place where hippopotami live in tents or go to college) is integral to our memory functions?

Well what if it wasn’t such a madcap or such an unrealistic idea?

Here’s an interesting concept for you. What if there really was a memory implant that you could get. Would you get one?

Well the possibility may not be as far away as you might think. According to this article on medgadget a scientist one, Theodore Berger, professor of Biomedical Engineering at the University of Southern California Viterbi School of Engineering, is developing what is essentially an implant which enhances and restores memory formation.

You can read all about it in this article on which as I mentioned before appeared on the medgadget site and certainly it makes for interesting reading and an interesting prospect for the future.

According to the article these have already been tested on rats and indeed in a joint study with Wake Forest University, experiments demonstrated that an early prototype of the artificial hippocampus works in the brains of rats.

( Ok so now I just have a picture in my head of a load of older statesman like rats sitting round drinking coffee and chatting about the good old days.)

Obviously I understand and can appreciate the potential benefits such a device could have (as pointed out in the article) in respect of sufferers of such tragic illnesses as Alzheimer’s or Parkinson’s.

But I have to tell you that, even with all the problems that I have with my memory and even with all the regrets and sadness that I have as a result of the memories that I just don’t seem to be able to access, – even if they do still remain somewhere. I am just not sure that I would want to have such a thing inside of my head.

After all, what is to stop them from building a wireless interface into it which allowed others to access your memories? Now how’s that for a statement worthy of launching a million paranoias and forming the basis of many future conspiracy theories? So if this ever does happen and things do turn out to be sinister remember you heard the warnings here first lol.

But actually on a slightly more realistic level I would be so scared of the whole thing crashing and my losing what little memory I do have. Trust me when your memory starts to go you begin to value what is left on a much deeper level.

But who knows. It is certainly a fascinating concept and maybe sometime in the future I would even consider it. Although knowing my luck I would probably get stuck with an old cast off – one previously used on rats.

So if in the future all of my posts seem to be about cheese 0r my compulsive adventures running around mazes. You will know what has happened.

♣ Trigger Warning Sign Employment & Disclaimer

This site employs the Trigger Warning Sign.

I will, where possible, display this sign at the start of any post where I consider the subject matter to be of a sensitive nature and such that could cause possible distress to others.

Please understand that sensitivity is a very personal thing and thus I cannot guarantee that something posted on this site which I do not consider to be sensitive or to potentially cause distress (and thus does not include the displaying of this sign) will not cause distress to some. I therefor apologize in advance if this happens.

Further information concerning the Trigger Warning Sign can be found here.

Please also be aware that the author of this blog makes no claims to be an expert in this field or a mental-health practitioner of any sort.

The views and opinions expressed in this blog are exactly that - simply views and opinions of the author as a mental illness sufferer and it is strongly advised that readers seek professional advice before making any decision in respect of their own mental health and/or the mental health of those in their care.

	boldkevin on A Trinity of Torments – …
	boldkevin on A Trinity of Torments – …
	boldkevin on I can’t stand to fly, I…
	boldkevin on I can’t stand to fly, I…
	boldkevin on I can’t stand to fly, I…

Voices of Glass

~ One man's journey through Paranoid Schizophrenia, Mental Health, Faith and Life.

Passions Profile Challenge – Day Six – Art and the Arts

Passions Profile Challenge – Day Five – Review

Passions Profile Challenge – Day Four – My Family.

fam·i·ly/ˈfam(ə)lē/

Passions Profile Challenge – Day Three – Writing & Story Telling.

Kevin, Wind-Talker, and The Seed-Snatcher

Passions Profile Challenge – Day Two – Music

Protected: BPM

Clarity Amidst The Confusion

The Passions Profile Challenge – Day One – Handwriting.

The ‘Passions Profile Challenge’

Noticing The Lesson, Finding The Blessing.

Monsters In The Closet and the proposed DSM-5

DSM-5 and you!

Um, my body clock is broked again!

Finished!

Structure and Discipline

The Dark Side Calleth Me.

Ah yes but Inside I’m Dancing!

The Price of Being High-Functioning

More baby steps

Recovering Slowly

Guilt-Edged Bonds.

Definition of ‘Gilt-Edged Bond’

Definition of ‘Guilt-Edged Bond’

Doctor, Doctor I think I have BiPillar Disorder.

An Optimistic Hello

Tag I’m it! Three – The Movie Edition

A Picture Paints A Thousand Words…

Facing the unbelief…

A Change is as good as a rest…

…to a blind bat!

Self-Destructive Behaviour

Memory Upgrade

Follow “Voices of Glass”

Rate this:

Share this:

Like this:

Rate this:

Share this:

Like this:

fam·i·ly/ˈfam(ə)lē/

Rate this:

Share this:

Like this:

Rate this:

Share this:

Like this:

Rate this:

Share this:

Like this:

Rate this:

Share this:

Like this:

Rate this:

Share this:

Like this:

Rate this:

Share this:

Like this:

Rate this:

Share this:

Like this:

Rate this:

Share this:

Like this:

Rate this:

Share this:

Like this:

Rate this:

Share this:

Like this:

Rate this:

Share this:

Like this:

Rate this:

Share this:

Like this:

Rate this:

Share this:

Like this:

Rate this:

Share this:

Like this:

Rate this:

Share this:

Like this:

Rate this:

Share this:

Like this:

Rate this:

Share this:

Like this:

Rate this:

Share this:

Like this:

Definition of ‘Gilt-Edged Bond’

Definition of ‘Guilt-Edged Bond’

Rate this:

Share this:

Like this:

Rate this:

Share this:

Like this:

Rate this:

Share this:

Like this:

Rate this:

Share this:

Like this:

Rate this:

Share this:

Like this:

Rate this:

Share this: