Reblogged from Musings of A Simple Soul:

A young girl sat alone in her sadness.  She had fought with the people she loved and was feeling awful and worthless. As she sat looking at her feet, saddened by what had happened she heard footsteps as a figure approached her. “What’s the matter?” the figure asked her. “It doesn’t matter”  She replied, not moving and not really sure that she wanted to share her hurts with a complete stranger. “Of course it matters”  The figure told her.  “They don’t want you to know it matters but it does matter.”  …

Following on from the Of Roses, Walls and Towers series I decided to write a piece on my Musings of  Simple Soul blog.  This is a snapshot of that post but you can read the whole thing by visiting my other blog here.

When I started this series looking at the isolation in my life and indeed it’s possible causes I did so acknowledging a few things from the very beginning…

I acknowledged that I was and am isolated.

I acknowledged that this was not a healthy state of affairs.

I acknowledged that some of the fault or at least the responsibility for this has to lie with me.

I acknowledged the need for change.

I acknowledged that my faith as a Christian would be an important consideration in this series.

Whilst I had given the series and its subsequent posts some consideration (certainly enough to come up with an appropriate title) before putting fingers to keyboard I had not really anticipated where this series would take me, or what I would learn from it.

Now that I have reached the end of the series I had anticipated, I find that whilst I have realized some things as a result of it, I am still not entirely sure just where to go from here.  But I do at least have a start and interestingly and appropriately that start is a bible verse that was running through my mind when I awoke.

The Vine and the Branches

¹“I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener. ²He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful. ³You are already clean because of the word I have spoken to you. ⁴Remain in me, and I will remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me.

⁵“I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing. ⁶If anyone does not remain in me, he is like a branch that is thrown away and withers; such branches are picked up, thrown into the fire and burned. ⁷If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be given you. ⁸This is to my Father’s glory, that you bear much fruit, showing yourselves to be my disciples. [John 15:1-8 NIV]

It is, in fact, a passage of scripture that I have always had a particular fondness for and one that is particularly relevant to the thorns in my life but also to the walls and towers that I have looked at in this series.

In respect of thorns and roses a basic truth is that a rose cannot possibly bud where a thorn is already grown.  The two just cannot occupy the same space and thus the thorns whilst offering defense and protection do, whether deliberately or not, also in some ways limit the potential for roses to grow.

Bringing this more in line with the analogy used in the scripture above my thorns, my walls and my towers inhibit and even block the growth of that fruit that is spoken of.  This is of course a concern to me as a Christian – it is never healthy or advisable for any Christian to place obstacles in God’s way.

The plain simple fact of the matter is that the very existence of those thorns, walls and towers prove that I have either willfully placed those obstacles in the way or at best allowed them to develop in the way and for this I am sincerely sorry and regretful.

But there is of course hope.  The fact of the matter is that I know they are there and that they should not be there.  Additionally I have the assurance and encouragement of scriptures to motivate their removal from my life.  So, as some of the comments have already asked, how do I do this?

Well, I guess the first thing I need to recognize is that I don’t as a Christian have to do this alone. “I am the true vine and my Father is the gardener. HE cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit; whilst every branch that does bear fruit HE prunes so that it becomes more fruitful.”

Of course that doesn’t remove my own responsibilities in this and doesn’t mean that He isn’t already working on that very thing or hasn’t already placed people and resources in my life to do just that.

Why am I even looking at this whole subject?  Isn’t it possible that God has brought me to this place?

So since I do have responsibilities in this what are those responsibilities?  How can I help bring about the changes that are obviously needed?

Regardless of the legitimacy of the presence of those thorns, walls or towers when constructed or adopted, I accept that I perceived a need for them at that time and responded accordingly.  But I do so in full understanding that 1) this may not have been the best course of action even then and 2) that I am not the same person I was then and 3) my circumstances, life and situation are not the same now as they were then.

Because of this I recognize and acknowledge that a) even if legitimate then they may not be and are probably not now, and  b) that their continued presence is probably not the healthiest option for me and thus a newer, healthier and more appropriate approach is called for.

Therefore in response to that acknowledgment and recognition I will therefore re-assess where I am today, whether those thorns, walls and towers are still necessary and helpful and to make every effort to remove or replace them with healthier and more appropriate choices and coping techniques.  Doing so by following these steps…

Step 1.  Enlist the help of someone (or more than one if possible) you trust and respect.  If possible someone you are very close to and spend a lot of time with. Remember thorns grow outward, the rose doesn’t notice the pain they cause since the rose isn’t at the pointed ed.

Step 2.  Has to be, in my opinion, to identify the thorns, walls or towers that exist in your life.

Step 3.  Is to then try to identify their source, what made you have them, grown them, adopt them or construct them.

Step 4.  Assess their legitimacy – both originally and now. (As a Christian God’s will is an essential consideration in this.)

Step 5.  Assess their current need.  You are not the person you were then and your life is not the same now.

Step 6.  Assess their benefit versus their cost.  The worth of something is often evaluated by comparing cost to benefit.

Step 7.  Assess how and when they are employed or present – what triggers them?  Having recognized this look out for them and also try to establish better responses.

Step 8.  Consider healthier more productive and less harmful or detrimental coping techniques OR other ways of addressing the needs that motivated these thorns, walls or towers in the first place.

Step 9.  Establish a way of healthily and positively being accountable in your actions, decisions and efforts in order to bring about the changes you want. (this should include regular and frequent reviews.

Step 10.  Make a definite decision/commitment and start removing or replacing them with the more healthier or less detrimental coping techniques.

So I think I have the basis for change in my life.  Of course I recognize that a great deal of what I have listed above is fairly general but that is in many ways quite deliberate.  Are there specific things in my life that need to change in order for there to be an improvement in my levels of isolation?  Yes of course and in respect of some these are things that I myself can change, in respect of others it really depends on others and their responses and in respect of yet others I can see no immediate way of bringing about change.  But that is not to say that I can’t still work on these.

There is an old prayer more commonly known as the Serenity Prayer and it goes like this…

“God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference.”

Surely if there was one prayer that was so appropriate to trying to remove or demolish the thorns, walls and towers that we have built up over the years it would be this one.

But as I said before the rose doesn’t always notice the thorns because it is not on the pointed end.  Likewise we don’t often notice the walls that we build as we are not the ones they are designed to block and not the one often left banging our head against them and as for the towers that we construct well they are by design comfortable to us as we are on the inside looking out not on the outside trying to get in.

So let me offer this rose, walls and towers, version of the same prayer…

“God, grant me they eyes and will and resources to remove the thorns, demolish walls and open up the towers that I have built and others the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to challenge and motivate and encourage me to change the things I can, and both of us the wisdom to know the difference.”

And to all those who I have hurt at the end of my thorns, blocked by my walls and kept out by my towers, please accept my apologies, and my regret and please know that I understand that all too often you suffered as a result of the actions of others and for this I am truly remorseful.

Of Towers..

Born and raised in England from the 1960′s, knights in shining armor, castles, moats and towers were a common part of my childhood through television viewing, Saturday morning Cinema club, books, games and even school lessons.

In medieval England strong Towers were often built to provide security and a strong inner defense and to demonstrate strength whilst also providing the ability to see attacks coming from a distance.  Additionally more temporary mobile towers were sometimes constructed in order to provide access over an enemy’s defenses.  But what do ‘towers’ have to do with this series looking at isolation?

Well ‘towers’ are what I call anything (attitudes and arguments) that we put forward or construct in order to defend a position that we have taken or want to take and that we really shouldn’t have or really shouldn’t value quite so much.

For example:  ‘I have mental health issues and often end up offending people so why bother investing in relationships that are only going to end when I do something stupid or weird?’ or ‘I regularly forget to take my meds so I might as well just not bother taking them at all.’ or ‘No one really understands what I am going through so it isn’t worth trying to explain it to anyone.’  And how about, ‘it is not worth my trying to achieve ‘x’ because I will only mess it up’

Now I am not trying to speak for anyone else here but I wouldn’t mind suggesting that I am not the only one who has these kind of ‘towers’ and that actually if we really take time and are brave enough to try, many of us could probably find such towers in our lives.

These ‘towers’ can be harmful and debilitating and yet the potential to adopt or construct them so very real.

Of course putting forwards arguments and justifications – no matter how fanciful or illegitimate they may be – for not doing something when we should or indeed for doing something when we shouldn’t is quite common place and whilst they may not be a good idea, it is the longer-term ones that I am more mindful of here.

Another interesting characteristic of such ‘towers’ is that they are very often over fortified.

I think there are two or three reasons for this.  Isn’t it possible that we often over-value the very thing that we are defending?  And likewise isn’t it possible that in response to the insecurity that we inwardly feel about the argument or position we have adopted we over-estimate the potential strength or effect of any possible attack.

And let us not forget that towers that are heavily defended or fortified are often burdensome rather than freeing and can hinder and even imprison us.

We become rooted to those towers if you will and thus everything we do can be impacted by them.  Nomadic tribes do not as a rule build whacking great stone towers.  They have temporary structures easily dismantled and packed away and this accommodates their transient lifestyle and there is I think a lesson to be learned from this.

If we adopt and construct whacking great towers in order to protect something our lives we are stuck to them. We have to invest in constructing them, maintaining them and securing/defending them.  Isn’t it important therefore that we make sure that what we are defending or protecting is truly worth all that effort.  They becomes attitudes and strongholds that shape our way of doing or not doing things.

‘No-one really understands what i am going through, so it isn’t worth trying to explain it to them.’

‘I have mental health issues and often end up offending people so why bother investing in relationships that are only going to end when I do something stupid or weird?’.

‘I regularly forget to take my meds so I might as well just not bother taking them at all.’

‘It is not worth my trying to achieve ‘x’ because I will only mess it up.’

These are not, I would suggest, arguments or positions that are either legitimate or worth protecting but sadly they are potentially present in my life and each of them do, either directly or indirectly, affect me and play into my isolation.

But they are perhaps, along with some others, arguments or positions that I have adopted and built towers around and that I neither let others challenge or readily challenge myself and that is harmful and detrimental to my mental health and obstructive to any future improvement.

I am convinced that such towers are so very harmful and that in my life there are numerous towers that need addressing and tearing down if I am ever going to heal.

And what about my faith in all this?  Are there ‘towers’ in my faith-life  that are not healthy?

‘It isn’t worth my getting back involved in leadership because my health won’t allow me to be reliable’

‘Letting people know that I have mental health issues as a christian is a bad witness.’

‘God can’t use someone as messed up as me’

Arguably the bible talks more of footholds and strongholds than it does about towers in this respect.  As Christians we are taught that footholds afforded to the enemy can soon be converted into strongholds by them and we all know that strongholds – as the name suggests – can be very hard to pull down.

As a Christian I am very much aware that there is a spiritual consideration to everything and s very often in this blog I will make reference to emotional, physical, mental and spiritual health.  I have long since been convinced that all of these can impact and affect each other either positively or negatively depending on the situation or circumstance.

I truly believe that as Christians we are subject to attack and that these attacks are often spiritual by nature.  Indeed doesn’t the bible speak of this in such places as Ephesians 6, in the book of Romans and the book of Revelation?

Is it possible that some of these towers – the adopting and constructing and maintaining of them are resultant from spiritual attack or the influences of the enemy?  Absolutely it is, in my opinion, but what is more relevant to me as a Christian is not so much what caused, motivated or encouraged their construction but God’s will in respect of their presence and their removal.

I have little doubt that just as there are thorns in my life that deter or that have deterred people from interacting with me and indeed walls that keep people away, there are also whacking great towers in my life that I am hiding in or behind and that need looking at, addressing and tearing down.

“One of the things that life has taught me thus far is to try to be understanding when people put up walls in order to feel safe – in order to keep others out, to keep themselves safely in, to guard their most precious and treasured possession – their heart.  Indeed haven’t I done the self-same thing myself in the past and possibly all too often?  But what I really struggle with is not so much the walls that we build but the shards of glass and the barbed wire that some folk seem to place on top of those walls.”

The above statement is (as much as I remember of it) a quote from a conversation that I had with a colleague many years ago concerning our clients and how they so often end up isolating, withdrawing, and pushing people away.  Sadly I have to admit that it seems to me to be as true today as it was when I first said it.

In it there is a recognition that we do often put up walls, barriers etc, and that sometimes those walls do come with brutal, severe added defenses such as the shards of glass and the barbed wire that I spoke of and I guess these resemble the thorns that I spoke of in yesterday’s piece.

Of course not all walls that people put up come with these additional more severe defenses.  The thing about the walls that we build is that we build them to order and according to our perceived personal circumstances.  Because of this some folk may have only one or two walls – carefully positioned around their biggest vulnerability, some a few walls, whilst others seem to have many walls.  And let’s be honest here, haven’t we all at one time or another met someone, sadly even children, with whom it seems difficult to see where the walls stop and the person starts?

As a child, as a result of my mental health and some things that happened to me, I was very much like this – presenting as much wall as I was child.

Not that many would have noticed them however, because I had almost instinctively worked out that not all walls have to look wall-like and that actually the most effective walls are not wall-shaped but mask-shaped.

By presenting a mask, I – the real me; the hurt, frightened, vulnerable, confused, disturbed and lost little boy, could still attempt to separate, could still try to hide, could still hope to retain some resemblance of safety and yet to all intent and purpose seem perfectly ordinary.

Of course what I had not quite fully understood way back then, is that this mask shaped walls would remain with me way past my childhood.  If you have a  mind too, check out my poem “The Image Weaver” on my poetry blog.  You can find it here ‘The Image Weaver‘ , or alternatively (if this works) you should be able to listen to is by clicking on the arrow below

The truth is that I wore those wall-based masks for years even in when most active and the truth is even in my most active most sociable state, despite the fact that I was a fully involved, extremely sociable, and a very active Christian leader I was, in so many ways, still that hurt, frightened, vulnerable, confused, disturbed and lost little boy.  Why?  Well partly because as much as walls – even mask shaped walls – lock people out they also lock you in.

And additionally as much as they keep people away from the hurts and the vulnerabilities that we feel  all too often they keep us away from them or prevent us from getting to them in a way that they can be healthily addressed and dealt with.

And that is the thing isn’t it?  In this series I am looking at isolation, how isolated I am, how it affects me and where it comes from.  Just as, in the previous part of this series, I had to recognize and acknowledge my own responsibilities for the thorns (and their subsequent effects) that I had grown over the years, so too do I have to recognize and acknowledge the walls (even and especially those mask-shaped one) that I have built and to understand the effects of them.

The poem that mentioned above – The Image Weaver – is one that I wrote many years ago.  I published it on my Deep From Within poetry blog back in 2009 and I wrote these words at the end of it.

“The difficulty is, and trust me it is so very sad when this happens, that sometimes we can put on so many masks and become so adept at creating and wearing them that we simply forget which face is the real us.“

Masks and walls can both have the same effect in this regard.  We can lose ourselves, the real ‘me’, or lose the; ability, the understanding, the instinct to heal, to be real, to be us, to be free.  To run naked and raw and open and honest and even vulnerable even in the relative security of the closest and most intimate of our relationships.

And walls are strange things, whether built subconsciously or even consciously we can all too soon forget that they are there and that they can themselves, influence, effect and even distort things – perceptions, understandings, relationships.

Of course the fact is that if they do exist in us they were built for a reason and the argument that they have served a purpose and protected us is a valid one – just as the argument that a roses (and our) thorns were grown for a reason is a valid one.  But I have to ask – do those reasons (and thus the purpose and need for those walls) still exist?

In one way, and I am trying to be so very candid here, I have to say that since the very same walls that have kept others away from my deepest and innermost wounds, hurts, fears and vulnerabilities also tend to keep me away from them (or at very least prevent me from dealing with them properly) yes the need for those walls does in a way still exist.  But the plain fact of the matter is that actually instead of investing my energy into maintaining those walls what I should be doing is investing my energy into finding healing for the wounds, hurts, fears and vulnerabilities.

And this is a key point is it not?  For as I have already mentioned as much as those walls protect and defend they also imprison and corrupt and very often they are in control of us instead of us being in control of them. How many times have I (indeed have you) experienced the panicked sensation of those walls crumbling or closing in on us?

In this blog I try so very hard to be open and honest and it is my sincerest hope that by showing my pain and my fears and my vulnerabilities I can find some sort of release, some sort of help, and that at the same time others will also be encouraged or helped.

So that as I openly share each of the bricks that I have built one on top of the other I will metaphorically and practically remove each of them and instead of using those bricks to build walls start building bridges instead.

As I said in the introduction to this series, I am a Christian and my faith is very important to me and will no doubt be a key element in this series. Yesterday I spoke of my thorns in respect of my faith and having given my life to Christ and here today in this piece I must consider may walls in the context of  my faith and my life in Christ.  And in doing so I find that I am left with two essential questions/thought processes…

1.  Do I have faith in Christ?  Absolutely!  Really?  Then if I have faith in Christ why the need for those walls?

and

2.  Have you given your life to Christ?  Yes I have – many years back and several times since.  And are your walls not part of your life?  Yes of course.  Then if you have given your life to Christ and those walls are part of your life, then those walls are now Christ’s and are His for you to do with what He wills.

Of Roses…

The Swedish writer Ellen Key (1849-1926) is reported to have said, “At every step the child should be allowed to meet the real experience of life; the thorns should never be plucked from his roses.“

They are sentiments that I can certainly agree with, although as a parent also ones that a part of me instantly questions.

Roses come with thorns and those thorns can hurt.  Were my child to, in response to the fragrant beauty of the rose, reach out and roughly grab at the rose would it not cause him or her pain?  Do I as a loving parent want for my child to feel hurt?  And yet does not the feeling of that hurt teach the child not to grab the beautiful rose so roughly and in the process therefore not educate my child in some way?

Surely my child’s age and thus his or her ability to understand the purpose of those pain giving thorns must come into consideration here?  Is he, is she, old enough to process what it happening and thus to approach the rose more delicately?  And yet the thorns are not developed for the sake of my child but for the sake of the rose.

Would a true loving parent not have heartfelt compassion and indeed understanding when it came to the presence and indeed the effects of any thorns in their child’s life and decide when and how to remove them accordingly?

And there within we meet, I would suggest, just one of the considerations that all parents face at one time or other.  When to protect the child from making mistakes and getting hurt and when to allow the child the freedom to make mistakes and get a little hurt so that he or she can learn from the experience.

But more importantly, or rather more significantly in respect of this piece, we also meet the reality that roses have – or so I am led to believe – developed those thorns specifically to act as a defense mechanism as their fragrant beauty attracts attention not only from bees and wasps etc (who do them little to no harm) but also of animals and people who do do them harm.

Now I have never considered myself to be a beauty and as far as I can recall neither have I ever claimed to be a rose but I would be remiss if I were not to acknowledge that in my life I have met any number of beautiful people who have as a result of their experiences developed their own thorns by way of protection in their vulnerability.

And that is the thing of it all. I may not consider myself beautiful but haven’t we all got something that is appealing about us and equally haven’t we all got vulnerabilities?

My children and my parents find my inability or at best reluctance to accept affirmation and to consider myself worthy of affection very frustrating.  “I know you don’t see yourself this way, but you are beautiful” is a statement that is often used.  Even my Momma’s song for me (we all share special songs with each other) is John Lennon’s Beautiful Boy for the specific reason that she does see me as being beautiful in her eyes and does recognize my vulnerabilities.

A lot has happened in my life and having experienced mental health issues all of my life – or at least as much of it as I can remember – I had and still have vulnerabilities and how no doubt that I have developed my own protective thorns.

In this series I am taking a close, open and honest look at my isolation, where it comes from, why it exists and indeed what it is doing to me. Can I truly do this without accepting that some of that isolation may well be resultant from the very thorns that I have consciously or subconsciously developed to protect me?

I look back at what few pictures of myself as a child exist and I can see those vulnerabilities and yes I will even admit that I can see that beauty that others speak of in me.  And yet I also know those thorns we there growing and developing.

Whether needed in reality or simply in the perceived reality generated by my mental health they were there and I want to be very candid about this and admit that a very large part of me has to say that regardless of whether that reality existed or was only perceived it was none the less the reality that I knew and thus those thorns had a very real place and purpose.

Now don’t get me wrong here – at no point, in my personal situation, were they obviously threatening or obviously extreme but they did exist and did without doubt have a very real impact (albeit it often very subtly) on my relationships.

Just as a rose develops thorns to protect it and to influence and in some way control the way it is approached, handled and treated so too do we humans and so too did I.  And I would venture to suggest that I am not alone in this.

So I have no doubt in my mind that those thorns did influence my relationships and have an impact on how people would treat me and respond to me.  But perhaps more significantly I have to accept that those relationship (colored, influenced and controlled to various degrees by those thorns) then shaped and colored and controlled future relationships which in turn influenced future defensive thorns.  There is a cycle here, a vicious circle isn’t there?

And what happened to those thorns?  Did they fall off when they were no longer needed or have they remained?  Or did others simply grow in their place or even develop and grow along side them?  I have little doubt that they did/have and that saddens me greatly.  But what saddens me even more is the thought of the relationships that have been lost or denied or damaged as a result of my thorns.

As I said before, In this series I am taking a close, open and honest look at my isolation, where it comes from, why it exists and indeed what it is doing to me. If I am to fully consider this I must consider those thorns, their effect, their possible existence and purpose in my life even now and indeed whether I need to work on removing some of them.

A rose is, without doubt, a thing of beauty and appeal and it’s beauty and appeal should be apparent and whilst the presence of any thorns understandable they should not be so great as to rob that rose of its beauty or to detract from it.

Of course, without wishing to reduce my own responsibility in this I also want to acknowledge that much of that is dependent on the person observing or approaching the rose and what they choose to focus on and/or see.  I think it was the French critic Alphonse Karr who stated, “Some people are always grumbling that roses have thorns;  I am just thankful that thorns have roses.” (Or something along those line.)

And is there not an even greater consideration here?  As a Christian I have given my life to Christ and am an ambassador for Christ.  Whilst those thorns may well have had a place and purpose in my life before and indeed may well have been designed as a deterrent and a defense, can I in all honesty accept their presence and function now?  Am I not meant to be welcoming and inviting and to rely and trust in Christ?

Should I be allowing such thorns to prevent others from knowing me fully and thus having a chance to see Christ in my life?

Does Christ know of and understand those thorns in my life?  Yes absolutely. Does He think any the less of me for their presence?  I seriously doubt it.  Does He want them in my life? Well in answer to that I have to return to the beginning of this piece and something that I said then…

“Would a true loving parent not have heartfelt compassion and indeed understanding when it came to the presence and indeed the effects of any thorns in their child’s life and decide when and how to remove them accordingly?”

Yes those defensive thorns serve a purpose in the life of a rose and indeed our defensive thorns can serve a purpose in our lives but at what cost?

I really do think that this is an important issue for me at the moment and I am quite concerned about it and about how it is effecting me.

So I thought that I would continue my thoughts on this subject and do so in a five-part series (the first part being this introduction) called ‘Of Roses, Walls and Towers’ with the reason for the title hopefully becoming evident by the end of it.

What I am  hoping for is an open and honest dialogue primarily with myself – (hm is that a dialogue or a monologue?) but also with anyone else who wants to get involved – and through this to come to a better understanding of where I am at and how my isolation is actually affecting me.

In this series I also hope to touch on the possible reasons why I have chosen or in many ways been forced into isolation and to consider ways in which these can be redressed.

Who knows, perhaps some of what I consider and share will ring familiar to others reading this and together we can look at ways of addressing this issue in mine and possible our lives.

At this point, if I am totally honest (which I hope to try to be throughout this process), I am just not sure where it will lead me.  Perhaps it will result in my becoming less isolated or perhaps becoming even more so.  All I do really know is that it is an issue that is very much on my mind and very much in my heart and thus I need to respond to it and to do so in a way that is open and honest and that has the potential to invite honest objective and constructive input from others.

But I want to post my ‘colors to the mast’ so to speak right from the get-go and to make it clear that I am a Christian and that my faith is extremely important to me.  Because of this  I don’t think I can fully consider this whole subject without recognizing my faith and indeed the calling on my life and indeed God’s will for me in it all.

I do of course respect the fact that others reading this may not be of the same faith as me and thus may not see this as very relevant or important.  That is of course just as valid a position as my position that it is both relevant and important.  So all I would ask is that in making comments and observations folk simply respect my right to my beliefs as much as I respect their right to theirs.

Kind regards,

Kevin

I wonder if you ever think about the whole subject of ‘Sanity versus Insanity’?  If so, I wonder what your understanding of sanity or indeed insanity is?

It is such a wide and emotive subject isn’t it?  One that can often ignite passionate debate and let’s be honest here aren’t there numerous definitions of both sanity and indeed insanity out there? Legal definitions, country based definitions, state based definitions, general definitions?

And how about perceptions?  What is the most common perception of someone who is ‘sane’ or someone who is ‘insane’?  Could they be that someone who is sane would be seen as being; ordinary, calm, casual, an everyday Jo/Joe with someone who is insane being some sort of; erratic, threatening, maniacal character?  Not healthy or accurate perceptions at all but I think quite common.

And how does a person change from being sane to being insane?  Sometimes, for some folk, or so it seems, it can be sudden, instant, whilst other times it seems to be a gradual, progressive thing.  Will it happen to me?  How will it happen?  Suddenly?  Gradually?  Will it ever happen to me?  Has it already begun and I just don’t know it?

Have you ever thought about this kind of stuff or is it just something specific and peculiar to me?

I guess for me personally the whole sanity versus  insanity consideration is resultant from my having  mental health issues and the fact that my mental health often deteriorates quite drastically.  Of course, I don’t think of sanity or indeed insanity in quite the same way as those perceptions that I mention above.  But how do I think of them?  How do I define them?  It is difficult, isn’t it?

In many ways I guess I see sanity as being like an island in the sky.

Something special, valuable, worth treasuring, unique to each person, worth sharing and nurturing and looking after but also something quite extraordinary and even quite fragile.

In this analogy insanity would be something that one can fall into if you lose your footing in sanity or indeed your sanity crumbles beneath you or develops a gaping great hole for some reason.  Or something you can fall into if for some reason you walk too close to the edge of sanity.

‘The edge of sanity’.  It is not an uncommon phrase is it?  Who or what is on the edge of sanity?

I is on the edge of sanity.  But not just I as in me, myself and I.  No, as I said before, I am not going all gangsta on you or losing my ability to write correctly.  No I in this context stands for Isolation.

I really am becoming increasingly convinced that Isolation – for me at least – is indeed at the very edge of sanity.

Now trust me if anyone understand the need to break away and have alone time now and then I do but too much of it is without doubt, at least for me personally a very dangerous and unhealthy thing.

Without regular social interaction, conversation, human contact, real tangible, personal even intimate contact it is so easy to lose your footing, your grounding and to free-fall into the depths – even ( I believe) into insanity.

The trouble is that I prefer the isolation.  I enjoy it and become (as Pink Floyd would have it) comfortably numb in it and that comfortable numbness is one of the biggest traps within it.

A few weeks back, my son and his partner moved back in with me whilst waiting to move into their new property and then last week my daughter Janey came to visit and is with me for another week.  These two things combined have made me so very much aware of just how isolated I had become and indeed just how dangerous that has been for me.

Sanity versus Insanity I – for Isolation is on the edge?  Absolutely and what is scary is isolation is where I have been living and it has already done untold damage.

For me personally my awareness of any deterioration in my health – be it my physical or mental health really does depend on how sudden or great the deterioration is and sadly there doesn’t seem to be a detectable or predictable pattern in respect of either my mental or my physical health and additionally one often impacts the other.

For example, in respect of one of my physical health issues – my CFS – it either hits me suddenly or seems to creep up on me and the same tends to be true of my mental health.  Generally speaking, in respect of both my physical and my mental health alike I would have to say that any sudden change or deterioration tends to be quite radical and thus instantly recognizable.  Although with my mental health I am not always left in a position where I myself am able to recognize that change.

Again, generally speaking,  any gradual deterioration or change  tends to be less noticeable – which of course makes sense really – and so can often be missed.  And this leads me to ask myself two important questions…

1.  Is it possible that there are signs and indications which are normally there when this happens and that could be picked up on if I, or those around me, were aware of them, and

2.  Is it possible for those changes, especially in respect of my mental health, to be so gradual as to change who I am without my even knowing it?

In answer to the first question, I have to say that I think there possibly are signs and indications and if I had to give an example of them, in my own personal situation, they would primarily be present in conversations.

To explain that a little I should perhaps share that I personally live alone and seldom go out.  So as a result of this, I have very little regular or frequent interaction with the outside world and so if anyone is going to notice something is wrong it would more probably than not be in my conversations and would I think be in the presence or the amount of ‘f words’ that I use.  But possible not the f words that instantly come to mind since I seldom if ever cuss.  Let me give you an example…

A couple of days ago, I got it into my head that I wanted to paint a design on my bedroom walls.  Some months back now my son and his partner were kind enough to paint them deep green for me.  (Not everyone’s taste I know, but I like them and they were kind enough to do it for me).  But having had them that way for a few months now it suddenly occurred to me that it might be nice to break them a little by painting a design on them.

So I thought about it and came up with a concept and decided that I would do just that and so then set about moving all the furniture around so as to make room for the painting of this design.  The problem is of course that moving all the furniture around was too much for me as, once again, I was not aware that I was just not physically able to do the job.

“Why did you start it?”  Was the question asked.

“I just didn’t realize how fatigued I was.” came my honest if not seemingly dense reply.

“But you have mentioned feeling ‘fatigued’ several times over the past week or two.”  came the response.

The truth is that I have been feeling fatigued for days even weeks now, and thinking back they were right. I had even mentioned it on several occasions when asked how I was coping or feeling.  But somehow that fact hadn’t registered in my brain.

Ah yes that is one of those ‘f words’ – ‘fatigued’.  And there are others…

‘Frustrated’  that is another f word and one that often accompanies it’s mate ‘fatigued’.  Since I all too often get frustrated at the situation, and indeed myself, when I get fatigued and thus can’t do something – such as finish this darn design which in the past would have taken me less than a day to complete.

And there are other ‘f words’ too.  ‘Fuddled’ and ‘Foggy’ being two that I apparently often use when someone asks me how my mind is and when it isn’t good.

‘Fuddled’ and ‘Foggy’.  Certainly they are good descriptions of my mind at the moment and yes they are words that I often use when asked how my mind is.  But there seems to be a disconnection between my knowing this enough to answer direct questions concerning the current state of my mental health and my continual awareness of my mental health.

It is, if this makes any sense and to use a nautical theme, as if in my ‘fuddled’ and ‘foggy’ state a direct question is enough to offer me just enough light for me to locate and steer in return a clear conscious thought but outside of that  I am just bobbing along aimlessly – albeit often in a frustrated state.

Last night I couldn’t sleep (nothing new there) and so I lay there replaying what I could remember of the conversations that I have had recently and there are without doubt – or so it seems to me – certain things that I say which are in fact indicators that things are not what they should be.  Those ‘f words’ that I have listed are indeed ones that do seem to fit that bill.

And following that ‘f word’ theme let me address the second question that I posed.  “Is it possible for those changes, especially in respect of my mental health, to be so gradual as to change who I am without my even knowing it?“

F for ‘Foreign’.  How I am now seems so very foreign to who I used to be.

Over the past months, perhaps even year or so, I have gone from being fairly active and fairly sociable to being far less active and quite unsociable.  (Please don’t get me wrong, I am not antisocial just unsociable.) I really don’t have the inclination or the motivation to be with people and I am, on the face of it, quite content with being alone.

Things have happened that have somehow impacted me and I am not even sure what all of those things were any more. Actually I am not even sure I was aware of them all when they were happening.

Certainly there are things that I can put my finger on and which on their own seem fairly insignificant but which when combined have no doubt hurt deeply and had a very real impact on me.

Could it be that their effect has been so gradual, so residual, that they have changed me.  I think I know me, and I think I know the me I was, and the me I am, and I am fairly sure that the me I am is ‘foreign’ to the me I was.  And I have to question in all of this just how much of a role my mental health has had to play in it all.

Part of my mental health, and here is another ‘f word’ for you, is ‘fastidiousness’ when it comes to my expectations of myself.  I have very high expectations and I postmortem everything  that I do.  Analyzing it and almost ‘fixating’ on it (almost but thankfully not quite fixating) to see if I could have done better, understood it better, reacted better, whether I hurt anyone, offended anyone, etc.

I hear or see some of the ways in which I respond to people or to situations (or more accurately I replay them and then notice) and I don’t like them and don’t recognize myself in them.

Of course that is not to discount the bad, sometimes hurtful behavior or words or wrong attitudes that sometimes cause those responses in me and at the same time I do feel that my mental health is so very ‘fragile’, ‘fractured’ and ‘frail’ at the moment and that it has actually been that way for a long time now.

So I can’t help but ask myself if this ‘foreign’ me is something I have created or become just in order to cope and to not experience another breakdown or alternatively if it is  simply the person I have become as a result of all that has happened and that is going on with, in and around me?

Two days ago I posted one of my pen and ink sketches and I asked folk to give me their opinions of it…

I want to thank everyone who commented on it and to confess that actually I posted this picture for a very specific reason which I hope to make clear by the end of this piece.

As an artist I love art and pretty much most forms of art.  I thoroughly enjoy my art and creating pieces that folk enjoy and indeed I do try to convey a message or tell a story through my art.  But as an artist I soon learned something very important.

Which is that all the time a piece of art remains in my mind it – it’s evolution, life, message and interpretation is mine and pretty much mine alone. But the minute I commit it to canvas or to some other medium and share it with others, its life, its evolution, its message and its interpretation is  no longer mine and mine alone.  It has become public property and is therefore subject to their influence.

Let me try to explain.  Although the picture itself is static and finite and nothing within it changes, the external does change and therefore does influence it.  This, I think, can be demonstrated by the comments that I received concerning that first picture – the picture of the unicorn…

“I see a unicorn in trouble and the look in the unicorns eyes has fear in them.”

“The unicorn appears sad to me and I believe it is saying to me “farewell”

“Unicorns are typically depicted as joyful creatures, but this unicorn seems melancholy.”

Each of those statements were made by individual people independent of each other.  Notice the slight differences in interpretation concerning the unicorn in the picture.

Likewise here are three separate statements (again each from a different person) concerning the figure behind…

” I see a protector behind the unicorn.”

“I can’t quite tell what that is crossing daggers with the unicorn’s horn. Is it a skull? A rag with holes? I immediately thought it was a skull, but the shape isn’t right.”

“It looks like a figure the grim reaper of death”

And here are a couple of separate individual comments about the unicorn’s main and tassels…

“The tassels on the unicorn remind me of carousels I have been on when I was younger, where the horses and sometimes unicorns wore decorative bridles, which somehow elevates the sadness in the overall picture.”

“The decorations (not sure if that’s the right word–more like, items that designate military rank) make the unicorn seem distinguished, but it also seems as if they are muzzling (and symbolically silencing) the unicorn. And lastly, the unicorn’s mane is especially lustrous.”

And finally a couple of statements concerning the overall picture…

“I suppose the name I would give it is “Death of a Myth” or something like that.”

“And the whole picture to me says that through death one attains eternal life and spiritual insight.”

I need to make something very clear here.  Whilst there may be differing perceptions or interpretations of the same finite and static picture, the fact it that each and every one of them is as valid as the next.  Indeed the reality is that what I, as the artist, intended in that piece of art in many ways becomes secondary to how others interpret or perceive it.

Additionally and in some ways more importantly, how others interpret or perceive it is more about who they are, what they have been through, and where they are coming from, than it is about who I am, what I have been through or where I am coming from as the artist.  For example note the comment, ‘“The tassels on the unicorn remind me of carousels I have been on when I was younger‘.

Of course we are talking about a simple piece of static and finite art here.  But doesn’t the same thing also apply, in many ways, to how others perceive us and indeed their perception of our mental-health?

And what about perceptions that are instant, incomplete or even mistaken?

As I said at the start of this post, I have been a little sneaky and I really do apologize for this but I really did want to emphasize a point.  As well as the picture I posted two days ago I also posted one yesterday.  Yesterday’s picture on the face  of it was much simpler.  As was the task I asked people to perform…

I published the picture below and I said, “The picture below contains at least one mistake and I wonder if you can readily identify them/it and how long it will take you to do so?”

I then asked folk to look at their clock/watch and then study the picture and find the mistake or mistakes and when they felt they have found it or them to make a note of how long it took them and to then contact me and let me know how long it took and what they felt the mistake or mistakes were.

I want to say that I am truly grateful to everyone who participated.  I also want to say that whilst nearly everyone who participated and then commented did in fact locate the most obvious mistake (the one you were meant to find) not one person found (or at least not one person commented on) the more subtle and yet more important mistake.

So what was the obvious mistake?  Well here is the answer to that.  Check out the last word in the third line and the first word of the fourth line.

The word ‘that’ has been repeated and only one ‘that’ actually belongs in that sentence.  Did you spot it? I am sure you probably did.

But what about that second more subtle and more important mistake?  Well I did say that I had been sneaky didn’t I?  Let me offer you a more correct or more accurate version of that picture…

Now you could easily be forgiven for thinking that actually I have been very sneaky here indeed.  But I think the difference and the point is well worth making.

The first picture stated that this blog is about mental health whilst the second more accurately states that the blog is about the author, his mental health and his life.  Indeed look at the blog’s tagline next to the small title at the top of the page.

The point is this.  Mental health, in my opinion, is never and should never be the focus alone.  Mental health is not about mental health for its own sake but about the person, the individual, the life or the lives impacted by it.  This blog, whilst certainly dealing with mental health, is not just about mental health, it is about the person impacted by that mental health or the lack thereof.

And more importantly this applies to a great many other blogs written by folk who also face challenges in respect of their own mental health.

To focus on the mental health alone would be so very wrong and, I suggest, therefore a mistake.

And let’s not lose sight of those ‘perceptions’ and those ‘interpretations’ in all of this.

In my explanation of the first picture I demonstrated how perceptions and interpretations of that first static, finite, picture – the unicorn picture – were as much about the person making those interpretations, those perceptions, as they were about me the artist or indeed what I intended to convey.

In this second example, the same truths apply.

In my invitation concerning the second picture – the purple one – I deliberately mentioned that there could be more than one mistake in it.  At no point did I suggest there would only be one mistake and at no point did I suggest when to stop looking for mistakes.

True, in the picture I provided a fairly obvious mistake but I never once suggested it was the only one or that anyone should stop looking for others once they had found that one obvious mistake.

And isn’t that sadly representative of life and people?  Isn’t it true that when someone comes across a mistake or something different they make instant decisions or stop looking beyond the mistake or that something different?

Sometime a person’s mental health can affect them, or come to the fore, in such a way that it causes behavior or responses that people automatically latch onto and from which they make instant decisions and ones that shape their relationship or indeed their desire to form or to not form a relationship with that person.

But in so doing, in making instant decisions based on limited or incorrectly presented or incorrectly perceived or interpreted information, we can all to easily lose out on so much more that someone has to offer.

Since starting this blog, some three years ago now, I have been so blessed to get to know of other wonderful and inspiring blogs and wonderful and inspiring bloggers.  Many of the blogs that I read or follow or occasionally visit do indeed deal with mental health and mental health related issues.  In that, those blogs and this one, have things in common, but even more than that, each and every one of them is written but some of the most courageous and inspirational people it has been my honor to come into contact with.

I truly believe that when it comes to mental health, just like so many things, until we all learn to look beyond the condition and to see the person we will continue to miss out on so very much that is available to us.

The piece included a picture and actually that isn’t unusual for me at all.  But unusually on this blog, instead of my finding a picture relevant to the piece I was writing or even my ‘Photoshopping’ [hm is that actually a word?] a picture or three and adding them to the piece,  the picture I posted yesterday was one I had sketched years ago.

For this piece, which is not totally unrelated, I am back to the good old Photoshop process, and like yesterday’s picture (which if you haven’t had a chance to see or to participate in please do) I thought it might be interesting to invite you to participate once again.

Ok. Take a look at your computer clock or your watch and see what time it is.  Cool, thank you.  Now, look at the picture below.  The picture below contains at least one mistake and I wonder if you can readily identify them/it and how long it will take you to do so?

Please feel free to send your answers and how long it took you and how easy or difficult you found it via the comment section below.  Many thanks for participating and also many thanks for participating in yesterday’s ‘Picture Me This‘ piece.

Once again I will be delaying the publishing of answers so that everyone has a fair chance of answering for themselves.

Kind Regards.

Kevin