19 Wednesday Jun 2013
Just a quick update on my last posting. The appointment I had scheduled for Monday was cancelled due to illness on the part of the person I am meant to be seeing.
I heard this morning that the next appointment (which is now booked for me) isn’t until the 28th of this month.
So now it is just a waiting game.
I will let you all know what happens.
14 Friday Jun 2013
Tags
Bipolar Disorder, Christianity, Christianity and Depression, Christianity and Mental Health, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Paranoid Schizophrenia, Personal Journal
I haven’t been posting very much lately and I apologize for that but I promise you there have been good reasons and not least of them being that I have needed to keep my leg elevated. So sitting at my desk has been difficult and limited.
It is Friday evening and I am so very tired. Sleeping has been so very difficult of late for several different reasons. Even so I am trying to remain positive and to ‘keep on keeping on’ as they say.
Yesterday was my birthday and I really did have a pleasant day. My son and his partner came over and bought me probably one of the most thoughtful presents I have ever received – which I am going to keep secret for the time being but will share about in a later post some time down the line.
I managed to keep my birthday a secret from most folks – which always pleases me – and I also managed to get some personal correspondence written. It has been on my mind to write it for some time now but things kept seeming to get in the way.
In my last post “Days of The Crows” I explained how the voices have been at me of late. I mentioned some of the misunderstandings, falsehoods and the such that have been upsetting me but what I didn’t mention was the underlying environment in which this has all happened. Mostly because I needed to get my head into a place where I could rationally talk about it.
Regular readers will know that I have for some years now suffered from extremely poor health and as a result of this (well mostly as a result of this) have had a constant battle with my weight. The more regular reader will know that I also have a condition in my leg which make it swell up from time to time and then go down and stay relatively down (and relatively normal) at other times.
Over the past few months however I have noticed that it has not been going down and in fact has remained constantly swollen. Over the past 10 days or so not only has the leg been swollen – far more than usual – but the foot on that leg has also become swollen – so much so that even if I can managed to struggle and force my shoe on it I can’t do the thing up.
Additionally the skin in one area at least (I can’t see all of the leg) is starting to break down, which I was warned is the early signs of atrophy and which could very well be the beginning of the end for that leg and might lead to amputation.
I don’t even know how fast that process happens once it has started.
It’s a very scary thought isn’t it?
I mean I try to do all that I can – I have been applying the moisturizer where I can – (not only can I not see all the leg I also can’t reach it all) but whilst the skin damage is still (I hope) in the early stage, it does mean that the breaking down process has begun. Which, trust me, is both very scary and very worrying.
Apart from one or two close friends at church (and I do mean only one or two) an of course my kids/family, I have not been able to speak about this up until now as somehow the more you speak about it the more real it becomes. But over the past day or so I have decided that not speaking about it isn’t fair.
I had promised – when starting this blog – that I would, within reason, be honest and open in my writing and who knows there may be others out there who are going through the same thing.
The good news is (and yes I always try to see the good no matter how bad things appear) that I have an appointment on Monday and will be able to get some expert advice on it and I am hoping and praying (and yes please do pray if you have a faith) that the prognosis will not be as bad as my mind thinks (and the voices say) it is.
The truth is however that I just don’t know an will not know until Monday. But even so, I do have my faith and I do get such strength from that.
And I know that whatever happens He will bring me through this!
I probably won’t be posting much over the weekend but hopefully that is just because I am being sensible. I can post from my iPhone and of course answer comments but if honest I find that difficult and so will probably only answer the occasional comments from there.
But whatever happens I will post on or around Monday and let you know how I got on. Until then remember God is good and I have absolute faith in Him and in His love.
11 Tuesday Jun 2013
Tags
Bipolar Disorder, Christianity, Christianity and Depression, Christianity and Mental Health, Depression, Distorted Perceptions, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Paranoid Schizophrenia, Relationships
Courtesy of my-walls.net no copyright infringement intended. –
I found this picture over at my-walls.net and it really is appropriate for this post 
Whilst a different location and indeed not a photo I myself have taken it is very similar of a scene that I know so very well. A group (or murder) of crows suddenly flying up out of a field.
Look out of my study window and across the road you will see a field (although not as pretty as the one in the photo) and very often there are crows in that field. They sit, walk, peck and feed on it quite contentedly.
Not many people really know they are there (except the field itself of course) until there is a sudden noise (kids shouting or a car back-firing) and suddenly they all rise up, en-mass, at hover in frantic flight, cawing as they do so!
Like I said, it is a scene that I know so very well! But not only in reality also within my head where my mind is the field and the crows are the voices that I hear.
Voices which not many people know they are there except my mind of course on which they continually sit, walk, peck and feed quite contentedly.
But for these dark hallucinatory birds of vocal accusations and ridicule to take frantic flight en-mass there needs be no sudden loud noise just arguments, unjust criticism, false accusations, illogical misunderstandings.
© Voicesofglass.com/K.A.Deane 2013 –
It started with an innocent comment made by a fellow blogger, then came an accusation made in email and the ensuing discussions where the truth finally came out, followed by yet another understanding and folk assuming and then accusing me of feeling and reacting totally differently to how I actually was.
But these things happen don’t they? Misunderstandings, incorrect assumptions, insensitive behavior? And in truth, whilst we might do all we can to reduce them, we cannot stop them.
Much like the voices – those sinister black crows which take frantic flight and hover and caw for days to follow – these things will happen.
Courtesy of wall321.com no copyright infringement intended. -
Trust me, if I had a gun and the necessary ammunition, I would shoot each and everyone of the voices, those crows – out of my life, my mind.
And yet we do in some ways have that gun and the necessary ammunition don’t we? We have the truth and rational thinking and whilst this may not completely rid us of our crows (the voices) they can reduce them and come against them. (2 Corinthians 10:5)
Courtesy of tn disckerson diaries over at blogspot, no copyright infringement intended.
Of course we don’t all suffer with schizophrenic voices do we? But we do all to some degree or another have internal dialogues going on don’t we? And we all do, generally speaking, have access to the truth and to rational thinking.
So yes it may have been a difficult few days, days of the crows, but I , for one am getting my ammunition and am going to be looking forward to clearer skies
06 Thursday Jun 2013
Tags
Bipolar Disorder, Christianity and Depression, Christianity and Mental Health, Depression, Paranoid Schizophrenia
There are certain things in this life which I truly enjoy in fact I absolutely delight in them.
Things such as; reading, writing, music, drawing, painting, cooking, all those kinds of things would certainly be among them but if I am honest would be lower down my list of things I delight in than say; spending time with my kids and family, getting into God’s word, having fellowship with other believers.
So yesterday was a real blessing for me. I not only got to spend most of the day both on Skype with my family and also in God’s word preparing for Bible Study this evening but we had a family bible study (via Skype) last night as well.
Yep, that’s right a whole day of enjoying myself and allowing myself to do what I really delight in – family and God’s word and do you know what? Today I am doing more of it, more preparation for this evening’s Bible Study group with my church and then the fellowship that the bible study group affords me.
And that is ok! Honestly, I mean it. It is alright to enjoy things and spend time doing them as long as they are safe and healthy and good for us.
It sounds silly doesn’t it? Saying that it is “alright to enjoy ourselves”, saying “give your permission to not live the label” but how many of us actually do that?
Some time back, I wrote another piece about labels – that piece had a slightly different approach – and I published this picture (featured left) as a reminder.
But we do take on labels don’t we? Some good, some bad, some necessary and I think that is something which happens a lot to those of us who suffer from poor mental health.
We struggle for so long to understand what is happening to us. Likewise our friends and family – the loved ones closest to us – need to know. So when we get a diagnosis that fits we (and they) accept it willingly but then sometimes that label takes over doesn’t it and we are expected to be that label, live that label, react how that label says people normally react.
I have as one of the conditions that I am diagnosed with, Bipolar Depression. Am I therefore expected to walk around dressed all in black or in sackcloth and ashes half the time and then strip naked and go off on manic spending sprees the other half of the time? After all, isn’t that some people’s understanding of Bipolar Disorder?
Likewise I have Schizoaffective Disorder, am I therefore expected to be seen wearing a tin foil hat and standing on street corners shouting at the traffic – another popular misconception of folk with Schizoaffective Disorder or Schizophrenia?
I think not, and of course I am using the extremes to emphasize my point, but the point is still valid isn’t it?
“I am more than just what is says on a label!” the above picture states and I thoroughly believe that. And I thoroughly believe that I have the right to break free from that label and the subsequent identified normal behaviour patterns and actually enjoy myself sometimes!
Lat month my daughter Janey was with me and we got to go out to lots of different places and do lots of things that I wouldn’t normally do. Was my mental health, indeed my physical health a constant factor in that? Yes absolutely it was but I wasn’t going, as far as I was able, to let it/them totally control me.
My head said, “You can’t do this, you aren’t able, you don’t deserve this” but my heart said, “You are making memories and your daughter needs and deserves this and hey so do you.”
So that is my encouragement for today! Step out from your norm! Grab an opportunity! Dare to be different!
“Try giving yourself permission to not live that label!”
05 Wednesday Jun 2013
Tags
Bipolar Disorder, Christianity, Christianity and Depression, Christianity and Mental Health, Depression, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Paranoid Schizophrenia, Relationships
Yesterday, well early this morning, I wrote a post dealing, in part, with those internal dialogues that so many of us have. The post was called “Encouragements from not a weirdo!” and the title was resultant from those internal dialogues.
But what about those external dialogues? Those messages that we receive from others – especially those closest to us?
I found these images of posts made by folk, over on tumbler.
Sad aren’t they? But what is even sadder perhaps is just how much you and I can relate to them.
The truth is that some relationships are just toxic aren’t they?
And we need to be very careful about them and about the messages that we take in from such relationships.
Of course not all relationships readily appear to be toxic or harmful and indeed some are so very subtle in how they harm us aren’t they?
Sometimes it is as much about how someone treats us as it is about what they actually say to us, or what kind of activities they lead us into rather than anything spoken or readily identifiable.
I think that is why I like this image (featured left) which I found (here) so much as it reminds me that sometimes folk seem to want to “pull our strings” (so to speak) for their own advantage without us even knowing.
But this just adds to the need to be cautious and to review the relationships that we have and the kind of influences those relationships exert on us, doesn’t it?
One way in which we can keep a check on this is to take an audit of all our relationships and to determine if their communications, their effect on us, their influences and attitudes are positive or negative.
Why not give it a go?
Write down all the names ( on separate scraps of paper) of the people you spend time with and then set two pile markers. One marked “positive” and one marked “negative”.
Take each scrap of paper in turn, look at the name on it and then – objectively and honestly considering their; messages to you, communications with you, treatment of you, place them in the appropriate pile.
(If you are just not sure about someone place them to one side and come back and look at them in more detail.)
You may be surprised by the result!
For those you are not sure about get another piece of paper and consider them in more detail.
It can be an interesting exercise to do and when you have got your two piles think about what needs to change in order to bring those relationships on the negative side to the positive side.
And of course this is not just a one way street!
We also need to consider the messages we give them, our communication with them, how we ourselves treat them.
After all, aren’t we all potentially just as fallible as the next person?
As someone who suffers from poor mental health and yes those voices and internal dialogues that I spoke of earlier and in yesterday’s post, I think this is such an important thing.
And as a Christian I have found it equally important!
Even within my relationships in church and with other believers I have needed to be careful and I believe the bible encourages us to be so.
So even with my relationship in church and with other believers I review and audit those relationships. Do they glorify God, encourage me, inspire me, motivate me?
Are the conversations that they invite me to be a part of positive or negative, do they glorify God, spread love and understanding and wisdom? Do they encourage and build or tear down and destroy?
Likewise, the activities that they are encouraging me to be a part of, are they glorifying to God, draw me closer to God or attempt to pull me or take me away from Him?
i truly believe that this is an important consideration not only in respect of our mental health but also our spiritual health and I look forward to your feedback on it!
03 Monday Jun 2013
Posted in Bipolar Disorder, Christianity, Depression, Mental Health, Mental Illness
Tags
Bipolar Disorder, Christianity and Depression, Christianity and Mental Health, Depression, Mental Health, Mental Illness
I wonder how many of us have experienced a situation where we have been disappointed when meeting someone who didn’t live up to all the hype about them?
I am sure you know the kind of thing I am talking about. You hear so much about someone and how good or special they are and then when you meet them they simply don’t seem to live up to your expectations of them.
Or perhaps you have experienced situations where the opposite is true? Where the person far exceeded your expectations and all the stuff you had heard seems somehow unfair or inaccurate?
We do that in life don’t we? Formulate impressions, pictures, of people based on what others have said even before we have met that person.
Likewise, I think there are certain roles in life of which we formulate pictures and expectations based on our own previous experiences of other people who fulfilled the same or a similar role. ‘Tarring everyone with the same brush’ as my old granddad used to say.
(Trust me I have no idea why you would want to tar anyone really, but it has been suggested that the origin of the phrase seems to stem from the fact that if you painted certain people with tar you couldn’t really tell which one was which and thus both would have the same qualities.)
For example, if we have had bad experiences with police officers in the past we anticipate all police officers being that way. Or perhaps priests, or teachers, or door to door salesman, or street canvassers. Or perhaps it is a racial thing expecting all people of one country or another to act the same way.
It isn’t a nice thing to admit is it? That we assign character traits to someone based simply on previous experiences of some one else from a similar place or fulfilling a similar role? But, if we are honest. I think a lot of us are guilty of having done that sometime along the way.
And indeed doesn’t it all too often happen in respect of those of us who suffer mental health issues. Are we all not too often tarred with the same brush? Labelled and assigned potential character traits that we simply don’t have?
In truth it isn’t fair or helpful and in fact can rob us of so much in life. Especially when we respond to someone based not on who they are as an individual – on their own personal behavior or intentions – but on who someone else was as an individual and on that person’s behavior or intentions.
And what about where this can have such far reaching effects on us? What about where we are not doing this to another person but to God himself?
What if instead of seeing and getting to know God for who He really is we are really seeing Him and understanding Him (or misunderstanding Him as is too often the case) according to our experiences of our own earthly fathers or indeed the picture portrayed by some churches that we attended in the past.
Or even, and this is perhaps the saddest of them for me, according to how we have been treated by people claiming to know and represent God and yet demonstrating qualities which are so unlike Him?
God is our heavenly Father but He is not our mortal father. His love is perfect and immense and even when there are times in our lives – which there will be – when He seems so distant from us, He is never that far away.
Unfortunately, as is too often the case, in my experience or opinion, we tend to ascribe to God those earthly imperfections and sometimes poor qualities that our mortal fathers had or even those of other believers who have treated us badly.
But is that honest or fair? Fair to God and indeed fair to ourselves? That is the question that I think we need to ask ourselves.
Likewise I think we have to ask ourselves the question, when considering God, whether our difficulties – yes even those difficulties that we face as a result of our mental health challenges – and which seem to have been far too difficult for other, even other believers to see beyond or deal with, truly are too difficult for God to deal with?
I am imperfect and flawed and with many failings, but no mental health would stop me from loving my children and so if I in my imperfect flawed love can love like that how much more does God whose love is perfect love us beyond our issues?
Worth considering isn’t it?
03 Monday Jun 2013
Tags
Bipolar Disorder, Christianity and Mental Health, Depression, memory loss, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Relationships
I have documented my memory problems many times before and certainly it is not something specific only to me. Comments from other mental health bloggers would suggest it is, in various forms and to various degrees, something many of us face.
For me personally several factors seem to play their part in it all – lack of sleep, what meds i take, my Folic Acid levels – and how it presents itself varies also. I can sometimes go into rooms to do something and forget why I was there, or suddenly realize that I am down town and not know why? Likewise I have pictures of myself, my ex-wife and son on my walls and cannot for the life of me remember being there when they were taken – but there I am as large as life in them! Likewise folk sometimes refer to conversations I seemingly have had with them but I don’t remember the conversation and then there is the fact that when reading I will often forget the first four words I have read before getting to the sixth word.
But does that mean I ( or we) we should give up on our memories? Indeed are memories just for us?
Over the past couple of days I have been uploading (to YouTube) some movies that I have made – consisting of some photos and short video clips – of my daughter and I out at different trips and outings around my home of Ireland.
These pictures and videos – and the subsequent movies I have made – were so that my daughter Janey could share them with her friends and with other family members an so that we had a keep sake of our time together. But they also serve as a reminder of the good times don’t they?
(Please note the above is a video and best viewed on You tube and full screen)
Like those pictures on my wall, I may not readily remember the good times had when taking them but I do have hard evidence of the fact that they happened.
There is of course a certain amount of frustration attached to seeing pictures of yourself which you have no recollection of taking or being in, but this I have to say is far less that the alternative of not having either the memory or the pictures.
The memory, or so I am told, is like a muscle or a relationship and takes work and effort if you are going to maintain it. The difficulty of course is that memories – their benefits and advantages – are a huge part of relationships aren’t they?
We often hear of people ‘falling out of love’ with each other and I can personally testify to the fact that mental health and how it can affect us and our relationships, can be a huge part of this and in truth I cannot help wondering if it is because we stop seeing the god parts and indeed stop making memories?
(Please note the above is a video and best viewed on You tube and full screen)
So my advice to anyone who suffers with mental health issues and indeed with memory problems is not only to keep on fighting and keep on seeing the good parts but also, and most importantly, to keep making memories!
27 Wednesday Mar 2013
Posted in Bipolar Disorder, Christianity, Depression, Faith, Feelings, Healing, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Relationships
Tags
Bipolar Disorder, Christianity, Christianity and Depression, Christianity and Mental Health, Depression, Faith, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Relationships
Given the time of year and it’s significance to believers the world over I wonder how many of you looked at the title and immediately thought, “Oops Kevin you made a typo in your title in respect of the spelling of ‘Week’.”
Hey, it’s an understandable assumption But the truth is that it is not a typo and I deliberately chose to use the word weak and indeed to write this post at this time because it seems so appropriate and is so on my heart right now.
Holy Week in the Christian’s calendar is the time when perhaps more than any other time we remember Christ’s arrest, trial, torture, crucifixion, burial, resurrection and ultimately His ascension.
But if I may, for the purpose of this post, I would like to invite you to reflect with me on just one aspect of that time – that time after Christ was crucified and before he rose again.
I wonder how the disciples felt at that time? How would you have felt if you had been one of the disciples?
You meet a man who claims to be the Son of God and who changes your life in a radical and unmistakable way. You dedicate your life to Him and He rightly becomes the very center, and in many ways, the very focus of your life.
You spend all of your time with Him, eat with Him, talk with Him, travel with Him. You witness and share in His deep love and compassion for people, see Him speak prophesy, heal the sick, give sight to the blind and mobility to the lame. You witness first hand the miracles and wonders that He performs and you believe with all you heart that “truly He IS the Son of God” and “truly the Kingdom of God is upon us!”
And then suddenly He is taken from you!
This ‘Son of God’, this ‘Promised One’, this ‘Messiah’, this ‘Saviour of the World’ was; betrayed by one of your own, arrested, tortured, placed on trial, and then crucified!
“Will He come down off the cross?”, “Will God smite His enemies and rescue Him?”, “Will the heavens open and God Himself speak?”, “Does this sudden darkness mean God is about to act?” These are all understandable questions aren’t they? Realistic expectations?
But no. None of that happens? Instead He dies and is taken away and buried in a tomb.
He is gone!
As suddenly as He came into your life, He is gone from it.
All that is left is a sealed tomb and an empty cross!
All that you are left with are questions and a deep longing in your heart”
How would you feel? What thoughts and questions would flood through your mind? What would you do?
Go to that tomb? Wait for something to happen? Perhaps return to that now empty cross – standing there simply looking at it with so many thoughts, so many questions, so many emotions flowing through your heart and mind?
What now? What comes next? Surely that can’t be it? Surely it doesn’t end here? Surely something else has to come? Surely there must be more? Surely this newness must continue!
Step forward in time with me, if you will, to more recent years. 1985 and a young 23 year old man. A young man who had believed in God all his life and indeed who could never remember a time when he did not believe in God.
And yet somehow that wasn’t enough and he knew it. Somehow knowing there was a God but not having a relationship with God left a void in his heart, an emptiness, a sense of “there must be more to life.”
Then an evangelical mission came to town one preaching on Christ Jesus.
It would spend two weeks in local school and village halls and then 4 weeks in a 4000 seated Circus tent.
Every night there would be a service with praise and worship, a guest artist, a sermon/bible teaching delivered by the evangelist Eric Delve and then an invitation to respond and invite Christ into your life and to have a living relationship with God through Christ and the indwelling of the Holy Spirit.
I had a lot of time on my hands in those days and so for the first two weeks I was heavily involved as a steward, traveling to all the venues and helping out. Then when it moved into the Circus tent I took on the role of security coordinator.
For four weeks I, along with other volunteers in my team slept, ate, worked and served in that tent and every night we would be part of the ministry and service.
It became my life. The more I heard about this Christ, the more I wanted, needed to know Him and to serve Him. The more involved I was the more involved I wanted and needed to be.
I was letting Him into my heart and giving my life to Him and I knew it, felt it, needed it, lived it.
Finally on the last night of the mission I too responded to the alter call and went forward. I wanted to make that public confession and witness that I too had given my life to the Lord.
And then the mission ended!
The evangelical team, counseling team, worship team, stewarding team, security team – everyone left and returned to their normal lives and to their home churches.
The circus tent came down was packed up and taken away and I returned to my one-roomed apartment and to, well to, to what exactly? What was next?
My life, my heart, my faith had been so full of Christ for those previous six weeks but then the focus of that fullness, the
I remember so clearly going back, a few days later, to the site where the circus tent had been and standing, staring at the huge empty circus of different colored foot-trodden grass where the tent had been.
Just as the disciples could have stood before the site of that empty cross all those years before, there stood I before the empty site of that mission – asking similar questions – searching for similar answers…
“What now? What comes next? Surely that can’t be it? Surely it doesn’t end here? Surely something else has to come? Surely there must be more? Surely this newness must continue!”
In truth I a have spoken about two very real and very specific episodes of doubt and of questioning. Understandable doubt and understandable questioning – one in the life of the disciples and one in my own personal life.
But of course many of us face times of doubt don’t we? Times of question? Times when perhaps the faith that we once had does not seem so real so vital as once it did?
And my personal experience is that for many of us who face challenges and difficulties with our mental health, times of doubt and questions and indeed times when the troubles of life seem to become overwhelming and get in the way of our faith are quiet frequent and normal. But doe that make us weak? Does that mean we are not Holy?
Indeed is there, can there, be such a thing as the Holy Weak?
Well I for one am convinced that there can and are those who are both Holy and who experience times of spiritual weakness.
Mark 9:24 – 24 Immediately the boy’s father exclaimed, “I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!” (NIV)
Romans 8:26 – 26 In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans. (NIV)
Matthew 5:3 – “Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. (NIV)
Yes I am convinced that there are those who do experience times of spiritual weakness for whom Holiness is still a part of their lives or can still be part of their lives. And what is more I am convinced that that Holiness is not taken from up when we face times of weakness but instead is afforded to us in greater measure when we face those times of weakness by calling on the name of the Lord and giving it to God in prayer.
Earlier, in what I now freely admit has become a fairly lengthy post, I shared about the first time when that spiritual weakness was faced by me. Shortly after I came to know Christ in fact. But there have been many other time when I have faced such weaknesses, such times of trouble and trial – such times of doubting and questioning.
And I am sure that there are others for whom that is also true – especially within the mental health community – and sadly often as a result of the way others within the body of Christ have treated us.
But I want to encourage you – you who, like me consider yourself at times to be part of the Holy weak and especially at this time – this Holy week.
“I will not leave you as orphans…” (John 14:18 NIV). These are the words Christ Himself spoke to the disciples when He was telling them of His having to leave and when He was (unbeknown to them) talking about that arrest, torture, trial, crucifixion, burial, resurrection and ascension that we spoke of earlier and which is so prominent in our hearts and minds at this time of year.
No matter how weak we may feel, no matter how un-holy our lives may have become, no matter how hurt or down-trodden we believe ourselves to be, I am convinced that God does not want us to either feel as orphans, live as orphans or be orphans.
Christ promised – in that same conversation with His disciples – the indwelling of the Holy Spirit for His disciples – for the believers. That same promise is, I am convinced and have personally experienced, available to each and every one of us who have made that commitment to Christ.
So the question I ask you is – do you feel orphaned? Are you living as an orphan? Have you let the hurts and troubles of life and any personal spiritual weakness that you have felt rob you of knowing the fullness of God’s love through that relationship with Christ by the power of the Holy Spirit?
Because if you have, I am convinced and certain that this is not what God – our heavenly Father desires for you.
.
16 Saturday Mar 2013
Tags
& M.E., Bipolar Disorder, CFIDS, CFS, Christianity, Christianity and Depression, Christianity and Mental Health, Chronic Fatigue, Depression, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Obesity, Paranoid Schizophrenia
There are a number of passages in the Bible which make me sit up and question, sit up an reflect on, their true meaning.
Indeed there are a number of passages that lead me off on wonderful journeys of discovery.
Likewise some passages which I thought I had understood will often leap out at me with new meaning, new significance, new revelation.
But then, more than any other writing, the Bible for me stands unique as a constant living and fluid unfurling of narration, a living explanation of the relationship that I have with God through Christ.
One such passage that has often caused me to sit and reflect is that of 1 John 4:18…
18 There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love. (KJV)
“But perfect love casteth out fear.” Its an interesting one isn’t it? Especially if, like me paranoia, or anxiety, forms part of your mental health. And especially if thqt paranoia forms part of your schizophrenia or your schizo-affective disorder and those ‘voices’ or that inner dialogue asks such things as “see you have fear, so you are not made perfect in love – what does that tell you then?”
The key words for me here however, is that of “casteth out” or in the NIV ” drives out”. In the Greek the word is βάλλω (ballō) and means to throw out or get rid of. So in answer to those voices and that inner dialogue I have to say, “how can you cast out, drive out, throw out, or get rid of something that you don’t have?”
It is a valid point isn’t it? You have to have something in the first place in order to be able to cast it out or get rid of it? So having a faith in God through Christ doesn’t mean that I will never fear or have reason to fear, it instead challenges what I do with fear when it comes my way.
So let’s look at that for a moment…
I wonder how many of us as parents have had our child or children wake up from a bad dream or nightmare and in their fear automatically call out to us of come to our bedroom door in search of us?
Or if you have no children how many of us can remember doing that ourselves when we were children and had a bad dream or nightmare?
Just going to Mum or Dad and getting their reassurance and the security that that offered dealt with that fear didn’t it? The faith and trust that perfect love that a child has for and in and from his or her parents casts out that fear.
Isn’t (and shouldn’t) the same be true in respect of the fear that we face in life as children of God?
Can’t we go to Him in faith through Christ knowing that as our perfect heavenly Father we have that perfect blessed assurance?
God is our heavenly Father and His love is perfect. In Him we have comfort and joy, as the old song goes, and yet there is no where in the Bible – as far as I can see – that says that through a relationship with God through Christ all threats, all trials, all troubles will be removed from us. In fact there are several places that indicate that they may well increase.
I have long since said, that one of the fundamental roles of a parent for a child is in many ways to be representatives and representations of God until the child is able to understand and develop his or her own relationship with God through Christ Jesus.
That source or comfort, of reassurance, of guidance and protection that we should get from our parents – especially in our younger years – is an excellent example of this and I fully believe that as Christians it is the perfect love of our heavenly Father that enables us to cast out all fear.
Some students of the bible will no doubt suggest that since this verse being preceded by the words of verse 17…
17 This is how love is made complete among us so that we will have confidence on the day of judgment: In this world we are like Jesus.
it would indicate that this passage is speaking of the day of judgement, but I would point out that actually it is also about how we live our lives up to that day. Consider the words of verse 19 I would add…
19 We love because he first loved us.
We love because He first loved us and it is that perfect love that provides is with the courage that we need to run the race for which we are called.
Yes things have and in many ways are still tough and I know that I am not alone in that and that many others are going through equally if not tougher times. But as a child of my heavenly Father, His perfect love gives me the strength to go on
13 Wednesday Mar 2013
Tags
& M.E., Bipolar Disorder, CFIDS, CFS, Christianity, Christianity and Depression, Christianity and Mental Health, Chronic Fatigue, Depression, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Paranoid Schizophrenia, Poor Physical Health
Well it has been a long time since I have done a serious post. Certainly much longer than I had anticipated or would have wanted.
In my post “A. W. O. L.” (posted March 4th) I briefly explained how I had not been well for some time and how due to this (and the cold weather) I had not felt able to post anything coherent or noteworthy.
I also thanked everyone for their very kind concern and messages of encouragement and “well-wishes” and would very much to thank everyone again now.
The good news is that I am very much on the mend now and have been busy working away on a couple of projects that I have been wanting to do for a while now.
The truth is that I had found myself in a bit of a hole, quite a deep hole really – and I would wager I am not alone in experiencing these.
I knew that I was in one and indeed could see the light at the end of the tunnel and hope that I would soon reach the end of it, but actually reaching it was something entirely different!
Mentally I have been struggling also. Thankfully not so much that I couldn’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. Isn’t that often what depression can be like? That no matter whether the light is there sometimes we just can’t see it?
Physically I have also been struggling and sometimes, no matter how bright the light or how desperately I may have wanted to get to it, I just haven’t had the strength of means to reach it. So it was as if the light at the end of the tunnel seemed unreachable for that time.
Thankfully I was not alone in all of this. I had the kindness of many of you and the support and care and encouragement of my family and friends and my church family and even more I had (and have) my faith to help me get through it all.
So I am very encouraged!
Not only do I feel much stronger but now I even feel as if I am climbing out of that hole that I was in and I am looking forward to getting back into the swing of things! (Of course I have to exercise wisdom and caution and ease back into things)
As I said before, I am so thankful for all the care and support that I have had and for all your kindness. I am also extremely thankful for my faith which has without doubt helped me through this last episode
20 Wednesday Feb 2013
Tags
Bipolar Disorder, Christianity, Christianity and Depression, Christianity and Mental Health, Depression, Distorted Perceptions, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Paranoid Schizophrenia, Self-Doubt, Self-Hatred, Self-Image, Self-Loathing
It’s a strange thing isn’t it? Acceptance I mean.
I mean it is something that the majority of us actually want, if we are truly honest with ourselves and something that we seek in life. To be accepted by our family, our work colleagues, our neighbors and friends.
It is also something which a lot of us, including those of us with mental health challenges, truly struggle with isn’t it? To be accepted for who we are – even with our illnesses.
It hurts and unnerves us or unsettles us, even angers us when we are not accepted. It seems harsh and uncaring, unjust and unfair when we are not accepted and can lead to a whole plethora of questions and soul-searching. And let’s be honest here, it can be emotionally crippling when it happens can’t it.
“I mean after all, what is so wrong with me, what is so bad about me, what is it that I have done, that they don’t like me, won’t accept me?“
Do they sound like familiar questions, a familiar thought process to you?
Or perhaps you have reached a stage or place in life where you have asked these questions so often now, where those thought processes have been so present in your life that you have simply stopped asking them, simply stopped questioning?
Or perhaps your past experiences – your childhood or past relationships – were such where any self-worth that you may have had was crushed or taken from you? Or perhaps worse still where you were never given any self-worth in the first place?
And where this happens what does it do to us and how we view ourselves? And as a result of that what does it do to what we are willing to accept in life?
This question has been on my heart of late and I can’t help wondering how many of us are accepting what we think we deserve (as a result of the poor self-worth or self-image that we have formulated as a result of those bad relationship or lack of positive affirmation in the past) instead of fighting for what we need?
If our child was ill and needed medical treatment we would do all we could to get them the best treatment possible wouldn’t we? Likewise for a parent were they to need medical treatment or for a loved one. So why are we not applying the same standards of expectations when it comes to ourselves?
Destroying the internal dialogues of the past and changing the way that they affect us is not easy is it?
As someone who experiences poor mental health I think this is one of my biggest battles. Add as a mental health advocate it is also a battle all too often present when folk share with me the things that are affecting them.
As a Christian – even one with poor mental health – I am convinced this is not how it is meant to be. Not what God desires for us. I am convinced that I, that we, need to combat these internal dialogues and thoughts, and I am reminded of some of the words Paul writes in his admonishment to the church at Corinth (2 Corinthians 10:3-5 NIV)…
3 For though we live in the world, we do not wage war as the world does. 4 The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds. 5 We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.
I am convinced that God loves us and wants the best for us just as any good parent would want for his or her child.
So that is my new challenge to myself and one I invite you to consider. “to take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.”
12 Tuesday Feb 2013
Posted in Christianity, Depression, Journal Entry, Mental Health, Mental Illness
Tags
Bipolar Disorder, Christianity and Depression, Christianity and Mental Health, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Personal Journal
There is, I think, a certain pre-conditioning that sometimes takes place when you are a male and, I have to say, a British male.
Now I have to qualify that comment by admitting that it could well be that the same pre-conditioning could happen to you if you are female and indeed if you are not a British male. But being neither female or non-British I am of course not qualified to make such a claim.
Being male and having been born and raised in England and having educated along with and growing up around lots of other English boys I can tell you that the pre-conditioning – the “keep a stiff upper lip” mentality that I speak of was very common.
And in my childhood so too were statements such as “Stop crying! Boy’s don’t cry!” and “if you don’t stop those tears I will give you something to cry about” and “Stop your sniveling, I didn’t hit you that hard!”.
It – the “boy’s don’t cry” mentality is an approach and a mentality that I have sought to combat in the raising of my own kids. And statements such as those mentioned above, that I heard from my father, I have actively avoided saying to my children. They are all so very harmful aren’t they?
Crying, whether you are a male or a female, is OK! Not only is it OK, but it can be totally understandable and acceptable and even healthy. It can offer such a heart-felt communication and release. And after all did not Christ himself cry? (John 11:35) Wasn’t he male? And a full grown man?
But what happens when you can’t cry? What happens when every fiber of your being seems so much to want to cry but you simply can’t bring yourself to do it? What happens when the tears won’t fall?
As I said, I have fought against that “stiff upper lip” and “boys don’t cry” pre-conditioning and indeed can and do cry on different occasions, but for the past few days now I have so desperately felt the need to cry and yet have been unable.
Physically my health is as it usually is. Spiritually I am, as far as I know, as I was. I even managed to get to church on Sunday and bible study last night which was a real blessing and I even managed to stay relatively focused. But emotionally and mentally something is desperately wrong and it is so unsettling.
There is of course always hope and I know and recognize that and I continue to speak that hope into my current depression. It is hard, so incredibly hard isn’t it?
But I am not alone despite the fact that it feels that no-one other than a great and merciful God could even understand, let alone penetrate, such a blanket of darkness.
And yet He does understand and He will penetrate it, my part is to be open to that and to invite that and claim that. So out of that darkness, when the tears won’t fall – yet even so my prayers will rise.
08 Friday Feb 2013
Posted in Bipolar Disorder, Christianity, Depression, Faith, Functionality, Journal Entry, Mental Health, Mental Illness
Tags
Bipolar Disorder, Christianity and Depression, Christianity and Mental Health, Faith, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Personal Journal
2 Nuns were driving down a fairly narrow jungle track in their jeep. They were working as missionaries in a jungle childcare facility and had taken the small child, now sat in a booster seat in the back of the jeep, to the local doctor and were on their way back.
Suddenly the jeep spluttered to a stop and the nun’s suddenly realized that they were out of fuel. “I noticed a place about half a mile back where we could get some fuel.” One nun told the other.
“Yes so did I Sister,” the other nun agreed, “but this jeep is too heavy for us to push and we have nothing to put any fuel in.” she observed.
Looking around the jeep all the nuns could find by way of containers was the child’s potty laying on the back floor of the jeep.
“Well it isn’t much.” One nun observed. “But perhaps one of us could walk back and get some fuel in this and God willing, if we are very careful, that will be enough to get the jeep started and get us back to the fuel station where we could then fill up.”
So that is what they determined to do and as one of the nuns remained behind to care for the small child and pray, the other nun set off.
After what seemed quite some time the remaining nun caught site of the other nun gingerly walking back trying not to spill any of the precious fuel out of the make-shift potty container.
Once the nun had reached the jeep the other nun opened up the fuel cap and as one nun carefully tried to pour the potty’s contents into the fuel tank the other nun prayed fervently.
Just then a local villager walked past herding his flock. As he approached the two nuns he could hardly believe his eyes. After all it isn’t everyday you see a nun pouring the contents of a potty into a fuel tank as another nun stands over her praying.
“I have to tell you Sisters,” the villager told the two nuns as he stopped opposite them, “I am not a religious man myself, but I have to admire your faith!” LOL
To be honest I am not really sure what brought the humorous story to my mind this morning. I think it was something that I said in response to one of the comments made on my post from yesterday. But it is kind of humorous isn’t it?
And of course there are several points and several truths that can be drawn from the story also…
Sometimes we do run out of gas/fuel don’t we? Mentally this can happen at the worst of times. Times when we really need to keep going but just don’t seem to be able to or to have the means to.
Such times call for us to work together and to use whatever resources are available to us. Of course sometimes we don’t feel we have anyone to help us or any resources available.
It’s at times like these when we really have to improvise. To look beyond the usual and to find ways of coping. Potty into make-shift fuel can for example.
It is also at times like these when we have to review our objectives, perhaps take a step back or two. The nuns in our story had getting themselves and the child back to their childcare facility as their objective. But they had to take their eyes off of that and look back a little bit before they could go on.
Don’t we have to do that sometimes, especially when we are struggling through a bout of particularly poor mental health?
And what about the faith aspect of that story?
After all the one nun had to walk half a mile with an open top potty trying not to spill the fuel and then carefully try to pour it out of the same potty (with no lip) into a small hole in the hope she would get enough in there in order to be able to start the jeep and get back to the fuel station.
Don’t we often face situations where the odds against us seem just a poor? Situations where the only thing we have going for us is our own determination and (much like that one nun with the other prayer for and over her) the prayers of others?
I have to be honest with you and admit that I can so very much relate to that story at the moment. I am so empty when it comes to mental and physical and emotional and even spiritual gas/fuel at the moment and the only thing ‘potty’ around here seems to be what I am becoming.
And yet I do have faith and I do have prayer and thankfully prayer support, and whilst this might not be understandable to some it is so very important – absolutely essential – to me. And most importantly I know that with God’s help, through my own determination and with prayer and prayer support I will come through this.
As I said, there are several truths that we could draw out of that little story and I know I have only drawn out a couple of them. But I did want to thank those who are praying for me at this time and I did want to let you know how very important they are to me.
And more importantly, I am so very mindful that so many folk seem to be struggling at the moment. I want to share that there is still hope and that if I can help in any way, perhaps by praying for you, please do just let me know.
23 Wednesday Jan 2013
Well yesterday I determined to combat the scattiness of my brain at the moment and get some things achieved regardless.
I prayed, chilled and wrote a to do list and then got on with it.
To be honest I had hoped, well a small part of me had hoped, that by doing so my brain would support me in this effort and kick start into gear.
Well that isn’t quite what happened although I still managed to complete some of the things that were on my to do list.
On writing my list I knew that I would not get it all completed in one day and had provided for the possibility that some of the things that I wanted to achieve I would have to do today and even tomorrow if needs be.
What was one of the attitudes I determined to have when writing my to do list? Oh yes, “Be kind to yourself – Don’t create too many expectations and allow for and tolerate any mistakes.“
I am so glad that I decided to do that as I really didn’t get as much completed as I had hoped. But then life, as I mentioned yesterday, does sometimes throw a curve ball our way and a couple of people needed my help and that reduced the time I had to do the things I had planned to do. And additionally I had not considered or remembered the fact that I am only just getting over my latest bout of illness and so am still not totally fit.
The good news is not only have I been able to achieve some of the things I wanted to do but I also have a good idea of what I want to achieve today also.
So my to do list is now revised and updated and I am all set to carry on from yesterday
22 Tuesday Jan 2013
Posted in Christianity, Depression, Functionality, Journal Entry, Mental Health, Mental Illness
Getting back into blogging when you have been absent for a while can sure be tough can’t it?
Especially when you wake up with your brain in “scatter-brain” or “defiantly uncooperative” mode!
I have several things that I want to achieve this week but for some reason my brain is not willing to co-operate with me today. (Not sure exactly what it is I did to upset it) But such is life!
The truth is that we can all get these kind of days can’t we? Days when our focus seems to be a little off? Days when clarity of thought seems just beyond us slightly?
And the truth is, in my experience, that suffering fro mental illness or poor mental health does not make these kind of days unique to us it is just that sometimes the frequency and severity of these days can be greater for us.
But I refuse to be beaten by this! There are things that I want to achieve and achieve them I will.
One of the best ways to counter this kind of challenge in my experience – second of course to a good time of prayer – is to make a to do list.
They help me to focus where my brain seems unable to do so for me.
They provide a ‘grounding’ a foundation from which to build if you will.
They provide ‘direction’. You can map out your intended and your actual progress.
They provide a ‘safety-net’ so that the chance of things being over looked or forgotten is reduced.
Of course there are things to watch out for when compiling a “to do” list…
Be kind to yourself – Don’t create too many expectations and allow for and tolerate any mistakes.
Be calm – Prayer always helps me with this one. You already know that you are struggling so any progress you make is a positive isn’t it?
Be realistic – don’t overload yourself or set impossible goals.
Be flexible – life can often throw us curve balls
Be positive – is it really the end of the world if you don’t get it all done?
Be sensible – prioritize the things that are urgent and those things that are important and those things that are necessary as well as those things that you simply want to do.
Be objective – allow yourself to revisit your list and alter it where needed.
Be receptive – if you need help allow yourself to ask for it and accept it.
Be determined – writing a “to do” list is only part of the process, actioning it is equally as important.
So, Mr brain – you little monkey – I refuse to be beaten today and I will achieve that which I want to achieve! I am off to make a coffee, spend some time in prayer, and write my “to do” list!
I will let you all know later how I got on.
21 Monday Jan 2013
Yes I know that this is a mental health blog and not specifically a Christian blog. But it is, at the end of the day, a blog through which I do share about mental health in general and more specifically about my personal mental health and since I am a Christian for me to ignore my Christianity and how it affects my mental health (and vice versa) would be impossible for me.
And the truth is that I had an excellent day yesterday
I managed to get back to Church – always such a blessing – and it is at times like these, when I haven’t been able to attend church for a week or two, that I really do realize just how much attending church means to me.
There is just something special, something beyond the physical, something so spiritual that happens to me when I walk into a church and immediately my spirit leaps at the praise and worships that is going on around me.
To stand in free abandonment and simply let go and let God is just something that I can never tire of and without which I would be so very incomplete. The truth I that I am at “home” when at church and I know and recognize this and it is such a blessing to be able to have a place where – even with my poor mental health – I can feel such peace and such acceptance and such love.
Immediately after church there is the usual gathering for tea, coffee, biscuits (or cookies as some would know them) and plenty of chat, and again this blesses me so very much. In truth I am -despite appearances to the contrary – a very private person and one who is very comfortable with solitude. But even so there is a special quality about joining with others and simply sharing; time, experiences, concerns, prayer needs, hopes and above all else love.
After church we went back to Leigh and Idele’s place (Leigh and Idele are a couple who, along with their children, also attend the church) for a time of convivial fellowship and that sharing continued. I so recognize the blessings of all this and yes I recognize how much these blessings permeate their way through into my mental health also.
But I am also very mindful of those for whom getting to church, meeting up with other believers, is not possible either because their mental health make that so very difficult or because other people’s reactions to their mental health have been so harmful, unhealthy or unhelpful.
Mental health should never, in my opinion, be a reason to exclude someone from God’s family OR to make someone feel excluded from God’s family and I am truly saddened when I hear that this is the case.
I am so very thankful that I have found a church where I am accepted and loved and where my mental health is no seen as a reason not to love but more a reason to find different ways of seeing and loving. My fervent prayer will not only be that others who experience poor emotional, physical or mental health will also find this but that those who have already been so incredibly hurt will find new church families where Christ’s love is present.
Today I feel much better! Mentally, emotionally, and spiritually I feel so much more aware, so much more healthier. Physically I know that being out so long yesterday took a bit of a toll on me but it was so worth it.
19 Saturday Jan 2013
picture courtesy of wikipedia
I have, several times in fact, heard of depression being referred to as the ‘black dog’.
I have to be honest here and say that I really don’t like that label or the picture that it represents.
Yes I know that black is a color often understandably linked to depression and yes I know that dogs sometimes follow you around and get under your feet. But I just find the picture contradictory as a dog (of any color) is meant to be man’s best friend and actually I really like dogs. Whereas I really don;t like depression lol.
No, when it comes to my depression, I just can’t bring myself to think of it, or refer to it as ‘the black dog’.
Now a gathering of crows however, well now that is an entirely different story and a terms which I am more than willing to link to or use in reference to my depression.
I personally have a long and sinister link to crows. One featured very heavily in my childhood. Additionally they have long since been linked to sinister dark things and to cap it all off, the technical term for a gathering or group of crows is a ‘murder’. And if anything can murder happiness depression can. So yes crows are much more suitable as a picture of depression in my opinion.
So why am I telling you all this? Well because those darned crows have been a gathering i my life recently and I didn’t even realize it until a couple o days ago.
Regular readers and followers of this blog will know that I haven’t been posting of late and will know that this is because my health took a turn for the worst again.
Actually it started before Christmas and got progressively worse since then. I contracted some sort of flu like virus and it really knocked be for six! And no matter what I did I couldn’t shake it. Additionally, it aggravated my heart condition and fatigue took hold and stayed with me for weeks. All of which I was perfectly aware of and (as I thought) fairly used to as these things happen frequently in my life as a result of my general health.
What I hadn’t realized, however, was just how this was affecting me mentally and spiritually. Without knowing it I started losing my joy and my hope and this in itself was simply adding to and complicating my response to my physical illnesses.
I started losing my resilience and my ‘fight’ as more and more crows gathered (metaphorically speaking).
Actually it wasn’t until one of my adopted parents mentioned that they wondered if I had become more and more depressed as a result of this latest bout of illness, and I had listened to a recorded sermon from one of my pastors ( I couldn’t make church and was uploading the sermon to the church website anyway so I thought I would listen to it) that I realized just what was happening.
Depression is such a complex thing and I really do understand the genetic and neurochemical factors involved in some, including my own. depression. But the presence of genetic and/or nuerochemical factors does not automatically exclude the presence of additional circumstantial or environmental or emotional or psychological or spiritual factors.
I am convinced that regardless of the presence of genetic and/or nuerochemical factors we need to do all that we can to have a positive and healthy attitude of mind and of heart if we are to beat this thing. And that is a lesson I am constantly having to relearn or remember it seems.
Thankfully my physical health appears to be on the mend, at least to the point it was prior to this latest bout of illness and whilst I am still very fatigued I am getting stronger each day!
I am so grateful for this and I am so very grateful that I have people in my life who will bring positive messages and encouragements to me. I am also very thankful for all the prayers that folk have been praying on my behalf.
Hopefully I will be back posting as normal within a few days but I did want to post this update to everyone and to thank everyone for their love, concern, encouragement and prayers.
Each and every expression of love, each and every word of encouragement, each and every demonstration of concern, each an every prayer offered on my behalf has been an active and definite weapon against that gathering of crows that I mentioned.
And for this I am extremely thankful and I praise God for each an every one of you who have been a part of it.
Kind Regards and God bless you.
Kevin
07 Monday Jan 2013
Posted in Depression, Mental Health, Mental Health Awareness, Mental Illness, Therapy
I wonder if you are familiar with those kind of lanyard badges that staff are often given at concerts and gigs and things?
Perhaps you have had one for work or something? I am sure that you know the kind of thing I am talking about, the kind of badge that affords access to different areas of a building or event ground.
Perhaps you have had one for work or for a gig or concert or show you have been involved with.
But what if instead of being the one wearing it you were the one giving them out? And what if instead of being in order to afford someone access to different areas of a gig or concert or show it was affording them different areas of your life?
Think, if you will, of your life as being one big house with many different rooms.
Each room contains an experience or set of related experiences or memories.
Some of those rooms you are more than happy to leave open and for folk to wander in and out of as they pleased.
Some, of course, you keep private just to be enjoyed by you personally or with those you hold most dear or trust the most.
It’s an interesting concept isn’t it?
Of course some of those rooms are very private aren’t they?
Rooms which contain memories or experiences that we are not willing to share or make publicly known or even share with very many of our closest friends or family.
Perhaps they contain experiences or memories of experiences that we have personally done to others or that others have done to us and which hold, for us and possibly for others, some form of hurt or shame, perhaps guilt or confusion.
So we lock them up and try to forget them or at least not revisit them very often.
And of course there are, for some of us, those rooms which we have locked as tightly and securely as possible and which we have pushed to the very recesses of our hearts and minds and which we have vowed never to return to again.
Rooms which contain perhaps the most painful or even the most shameful of memories or experiences. Things that we desire do deeply to be free of.
And yet are we? Are we really free all the time those rooms and their contents remain and remain unaddressed, unprocessed, unhealed?
Isn’t it true that related circumstances, similar events or situations portrayed; in films, written about in (or on) the news, expressed through songs etc, often instantly remind us of the existence of those rooms and the experiences and memories contained therein?
Isn’t this what happens when, for those of us who do so, we “trigger”?
And isn’t it true that for some of us, our depression – that which is not chemically induced – often comes from the existence of such rooms?
Indeed isn’t the very purpose of therapy to bring us to a point where we are able to safely unlock, open and enter those rooms. Processing and addressing and finding healing for that which was previously locked within them?
It is something that I have been giving a lot of thought to lately. And indeed something that I have been reflecting on in respect of who, if anyone, I would share the existence of, let alone access to, those rooms with.
So what about those lanyard badges and what about if you were the one giving them out and thus affording people different levels of access to those rooms – those parts of your life?
Who would you give them to? Who would you trust with them?
And here is a very interesting question in my opinion…
“Are there rooms in your life which you have not let anyone in or even know about and which, by doing so you might just be able to unlock and find healing for?”
12 Wednesday Dec 2012
Tags
Challenges, Christianity, Christianity and Depression, Christianity and Mental Health, Depression, DID, Distorted Perceptions, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Paranoid Schizophrenia, Self-Awareness, Self-Doubt, Self-Harming, Self-Hatred, Self-Image, Self-Loathing, Suicidal Thoughts
Day Five - “Younger Self” Write a letter to your younger self telling them the things you think they will need to know about when they are diagnosed with your condition.
Well I am going to cheat here slightly if I may. The reason for my cheating is that actually I have already done this exercise. It is an idea that I gained from reading something Stephen Fry had done and in response to that I wrote my “letter to a younger self” back in November of last year. Wow that year seems to have gone fast.
So having already done this exercise I thought I would republish that last – which can be found here, – but add to it and highlight the additions by placing them in red text…
Dearest Kevin,
I know that you do not really know me and that this letter is going to come as a surprise to you. And I apologize if it comes as a shock but hope that you will see that I had to write it.
To be honest, it is my sincerest hope that if you; get this letter in time, if you take time to read it, and if you truly take my words to your heart, you will never ever know me and never get a chance to become me. Not the full me at least.
You see, I am “you” or at least I am the ”you” that you have become many years in the future. It is confusing I know, but I so very much wanted to write to you telling you some truths that somehow we – you and I – have never been able to understand or accept.
Truths that I now, after years of struggle and no small amount of healing I now know and understand.
You see I know the thoughts and feelings that you (that we) have had for so long now. Thoughts and feelings of; being unloveable, of worthlessness, of guilt, and of shame and of being somehow damaged, even irreparable.
Yes Kevin, even now some forty years into your future I still struggle with these.
For as long as I can remember I too have heard and sadly listened to and believed those voices, those thoughts, those feelings that tell me I am not worth anything, that I am ugly, dirty, useless, worthless. Voices, thoughts and feelings that convince me, convince us, that we are not worth loving and that seeing as we are not worth loving that those who want to hurt us or abuse us can do so.
But you see those voices, those thoughts, those feelings are wrong, so very wrong. And we have no right to listen to them let alone to believe them and I so desperately want for you to know that and to know it now before everything goes so terribly wrong.
You are so very young. Only ten years of age, and trust me I know how already things have gone astray in your young life and how desperately alone you feel.
When you slide into your bed at night and lay there unable to sleep, scared, and alone, desperately trying to face those thoughts and feelings and voices not knowing how to stop them, to change them, to heal them, I have been and am there with you also.
I know only too well, how much you try to hide the way you feel, the thoughts you have and the voices that you hear, from your family and your teachers, and those around you for fear of rejection or ridicule or worse.
But I beg of you, dear sweet child, I beg of you to trust them (those who hold you dear) and to let them into your inner hidden shame-filled world. Because if you don’t, and trust me I am talking from experience here, it will go on to damage you and hurt you and destroy relationships that you should never have lost.
And even more than this, it will lead you to form relationships that you should never have begun and that will hurt and damage you even more deeply than I care to think of.
Kevin, dear sweet Kevin. How deeply I wish I could be there with you to hold you, hug you, guide you and help you find the healing that you so desperately need and so deeply desire.
I cannot begin to place into words, knowing now what lies in your future and my past if you do not get this letter, the sense of urgency that I feel in trying to change the course of life that you are on.
I desire so deeply for you not to go through what happens to you both in your very near future and beyond it and for you to NOT make those attempts that I know are going to come to try in an attempt to end it all. Not to mention those the decisions and actions that you take as a result of the misplaced feelings and beliefs that you mistakenly hold as being true.
Kevin, if you take nothing else from my words to you please, please, accept and believe what I am going to say to you next. Take my words, hold them in your heart and never let go of them…
“Life IS WORTH LIVING because YOU ARE WORTH LOVING and what is more YOU CAN BE LOVED and ARE LOVED despite the way you feel.”
Kevin, I know those words are difficult to hear and even harder to believe. But take it from me, (and let’s not forget that I am actually you – just and older and hopefully wiser and more experienced you) these words are true and the thoughts and feelings and voices – those hateful, harmful, deceptive and malicious, lying thoughts, feelings and voices – that you and I are so used to knowing and believing, are all wrong, so very wrong.
Kevin, I have to close this letter now. I wish so very much that I could write more, share more, show you more. And yet even as I have written the words I have just written, I have come to understand that actually a large part of who I am (who we are) today is in part as a result of what I have been through and what you may yet still go through.
There are so many things in my life that I am thankful for, and trust me Kevin, so many wonderful things that you have yet to experience. Love, marriage, parenthood, your ministry and the faith that I know you already have and yet don’t fully understand or appreciate.
Kevin, please trust me when I tell you that I know the things that you have done and I know the secrets of your heart – the questions, the confusions, the conflicts and the victories. The joys, the fears, the wounds, the guilts, the dreams, and the hopes that are all present there held safe and secure within.
Admit the things you have done sweet child, and accept the love and forgiveness that is offered in return. Trust your family no matter how hard that may seem right now. But trust your heavenly Father more. Because the years of love shared with them that you may lose as a result of not trusting them now can never be regained. Trust me I have tried.
And above all else please, please, know that nothing is greater than God’s love. Not those voices, those feelings, those thoughts, nor the guilt, the pain nor the hurt. None of them, whether individually or combined, are or could ever be greater than God’s love or God’s love for you.
With much love and deep hope,
Kevin. November 29th, 2011. Additions (in red) added December 12th 2012.
So there you have it my, albeit slightly amended, letter to a younger self.
As I said, I wrote the original version of that back in November of last year and I have to tell you that it was a painful experience then and (to a lesser extent) a painful experience now.
Did is serve a purpose then? Does it serve a purpose now? Well we are all different aren’t we but yes for me I believe it did and does.
As you will have possibly gleaned from reading that letter my mental illness had a direct impact on my young life and on the relationships that I did or didn’t form throughout my life. But there is one relationship which it had a huge impact on and that is my relationship with God.
So many of the wounds, the fears, the self-criticisms and so much of the self-hatred that came as result of my mental health and in some part from my unsuccessful attempts to end it all even as a child, had corrupted my perspective of my acceptability to God. So much of the relationship I struggled with in respect of my own biological father corrupted an distorted my understanding of the father-heart of God.
As I re-read that letter, as I reflected on it’s words and sentiments I reflected on the lessons that I have since learned and the healing that I have been blessed to have received in these respects. And in that alone it has served a purpose in helping me to affirm and cement the healing that I, that my inner child as received.
But there is, I hope, a greater purpose from this exercise and that i that if but one person – who is struggling with similar situations and hurts and fears – comes across this and benefits from it than it has been more than worth doing.
And that is my motivation and my prayer.
11 Tuesday Dec 2012
Posted in Challenges, Christianity, Depression, Mental Health, Mental Illness
Tags
Challenges, Christianity and Depression, Christianity and Mental Health, Mental Health, Mental Illness
Day 4 in the Try Looking At It Through My Eyes challenge and today’s challenge is entitled “the Trade Off”.
Here’s the scenario set before us…
Day Four - “The Trade Off” – You walk into a fun fair or state fair and see a small tent entitled “The Trade Off”. Curious you go and look at the writing under the sign only to learn that for 1 dollar, euro or pound, you get to take a pill which will allow you to trade your mental health condition for another mental condition of your choosing for a whole week. The only rules are that you have to trade one for one and there are no returns until the end of that week. Would you do it, what would you choose and why?
When I was writing that scenario I did of course consider it for myself. And I have to tell you that my minds immediate response was, “Nope Never! Better the devil you know than the devil you don’t!”
But then is it not worthy of more than just an immediate response? What if that pill really was available to me?
There are I think three basic approaches/motivations to this scenario. ..
Firstly, to not take the pill
Secondly to take the pill in order to get rid of (albeit temporarily) what you have.
Thirdly to take the pill in order to get something else instead of what you have.
On face value it is easy to mistake two and three of that list as being one in the same thing but I would argue that they are not.
Certainly I have been in situations that have seemed unbearable and where I have asked for those situations to be removed.
Likewise I have been in situations where they have seemed unbearable and where I have asked for a different kind of experience rather than asking for that experience. “Oh Lord, please, I can’t take this, isn’t there another way? Any other way? Just not this!”
Of course one of the problems with this scenario, is that to choose another mental illness to replace your own might appear, to some, that you consider that other mental illness to be less serious or more manageable than your own.
But what if your desire to trade was not based on getting rid of or having a respite from your own mental illness but was instead about , experiencing that of others?
What if the motivation was so that you could catch a glimpse of the suffering of others so that you could perhaps relate better, understand better?
As someone who spends a great deal of time reading and writing about mental health and mental illness and who is on the blogosphere quite a lot I read a great deal about the experiences of others and sometimes feel so useless when it comes to offering support and encouragement.
Could it be that by temporarily trading my own mental illness for another mental illness I could gain an insight into how to support and love someone better?
And yet I have reservations even in this.
When I was homeless and living on the streets, indeed when I was working with the homeless, I used to get frustrated by those well meaning individuals who would make comments such as…
“I know what it is like to be homeless as I was locked out of my house one night and had to sleep rough.”
Um no you don’t ‘know what it is like to be homeless’ because you knew it was only for one night and you still had a home even if for that short night you couldn’t access it. There is a world of difference between being locked out of your home for a night and not even having a home.
Yes you have had a glimpse at some of the experiences and issues facing the street homeless, but you were no more homeless or fully knowledgeable of what it is like to truly be homeless than I would be fully aware what it is like to be pregnant if I felt bloated for an hour or two!
Would I be willing to experience some one else’s mental health condition or mental illness in order to catch a glimpse of their suffering, yes I believe I truly would. But I am so mindful that I know that that would only be temporary and that that knowledge would make a huge difference.
And I have another thought resonating in my mind at this time. Whilst my experiencing what it is like to have that mental illness or mental health condition may afford me some understanding of the condition or illness, it cannot afford me the knowledge of what it is like to be you having to deal with that condition or illness.
Would the insights an experience of the condition or illness be useful? Yes quite possibly but I don’t want to get to know, support or love the condition or illness I want to get to know, support and love you.
So would I take this trade off pill? No I really wouldn’t.
04 Tuesday Dec 2012
Tags
Bipolar Disorder, Christianity, Christianity and Depression, Christianity and Mental Health, Depression, Distorted Perceptions, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Personal Journal
Well I saw the psychiatrist today.
I thought that since all I seem to have done over the past few weeks is complete the 30 day challenge each week and work on my books, it was time for a real and normal post
And today was, as I have mentioned my appointment to see the psychiatrist. I hadn’t seen one since way back in June and so wasn’t sure what to expect.
Actually (and thankfully) the psychiatrist I saw was nothing like the one in the clipart above Instead it was a female psychiatrist from the french part of Canada and she was extremely nice and very approachable.
I will be honest with you here. Sadly, as a Christian with mental health issues, there are two types of people with whom I have learned to be hesitant about discussing my faith and mental health in the same conversation.
Psychiatrist and some Christians. And again sadly, I am sure I don’t have to labor the reasons why.
Go to a psychiatrist as some one who hears voices and share that you speak to God and three things will immediately rise. Their interest, their eyebrows and their pen.
Go to some Christians as someone who believes in and hears God and admit that you hear voices and instant diagnoses of demon possession and the need for immediate deliverance will result.
But thank fully the psychiatrist I saw today, although having her own faith, did neither of those things and we were able to have a sensible cohesive conversation with each other which included aspects of my faith. And trust me, since my faith is core to who I am, and thus no amount of help will be effective unless recognizing and respecting that, it was a welcomed change.
As a result of this I also fessed up to my struggles over my medication. My memory and focus difficulties often mean that I would forget to take my meds – folk who know me well will know the struggles that I have with these things – memory, focus and taking my meds.
Subsequently on realizing that I have forgotten to take my meds I would then decide to deliberately not take my meds, believing that since I haven’t taken them and seem ok I must not therefore need them.
Of course the keywords in that statement being “seem ok”, and often I am not ok. But I guess I am not alone in this and that others will be able to relate.
One difficulty is of course that in the past i have been medicated to such a degree that I am effectively being chemically lobotomized. Something I never want to experience as it affords no quality of life worth living and removes my ability to function let alone worship.
But we discussed this, the psychiatrist and I, and I have agreed to an increase in the dose of my psych meds on the condition that I retain control over whether or not I continue with the increase subject top giving it an adequate period of review.
I have to tell you, and I mean no disrespect to other psychiatric professionals here, but it is so refreshing to walk away from a consult actually feeling that you have been listened to and heard and that the primary purpose was not just the ticking of boxes and pushing of pills.
God is so good!
30 Friday Nov 2012
Tags
Christianity, Christianity and Depression, Christianity and Mental Health, Depression, Mental Health, Mental Illness
I promised dear Ellen from over at Moonside, that I would write and post this and being true to my word is important to me. But I know it will be a fairly long post, so I apologize fr that from the outset and would hope that folk would still take the time to read it…
Not really understanding what was going on in my heart, I walked into the office after work one night, in search of Jim.
“PTL! PTL!” Came the ever-happy reply – it was short for ‘Praise the Lord’ and was, from Jim, a stock response to most things.
“Got time for a chat?” I asked him.
“Yes of course” came his instant response as he shut the office door and gestured towards a set for me to sit in. “I’ll make a coffee and then you can tell me what’s up” he added.
Jim was a really nice guy. A Christian brother and colleague and the Center Manager. Although definitely my senior in age and technically my senior in the staff hierarchy, being senior just wasn’t Jim’s thing. Certainly not with and not with anyone else from what I could see.
As Jim made us both a cuppa, I looked around the office. I would be moving into it soon enough as Jim was leaving to go to Bible College soon and I would be taking his job. On his desk sat a little wooden cross with a light green plastic Jesus nailed to it. “That’s going the minute I take over this office.” I thought to myself, “I am not into crucifixes and Jesus has risen!”
I was already the weekend Center Manager and was taking the job up full-time when Jim left. There was a strange connection there as the Bible College Jim was leaving to attend I was considering going to before deciding instead to go work at the YMCA and eventually replacing Jim.
“I don’t feel or experience God or see Christ any more.” I told him sadly as soon as he returned with our drinks.
“Well He isn’t hiding” Jim laughed but soon guessed from my face that it was no joking matter and was bothering me greatly.
Jim, like most people knew nothing about my mental health although he had always sensed that I was “slightly different” to most of the other staff there. That sounds very serious” He told me. “And I can tell that it is really bothering you.”
Jim was right and the conversation that then took place lasted for about 40 minutes and covered most of the bases when t came to feeling or experiencing or seeing God. But to no avail.
“Perhaps I am just incredibly tired,” I offered weakly. “It is almost Monday night and it has been a tough weekend. Apart from the odd nap here and then I have now been working since Friday evening.”
Jim agreed and suggested that we prayed together before I went. I agreed and closed my eyes ad lowered my head. “I’ll just turn the light off.” Jim told me. It will help us focus and hopefully will convince others that the office is empty so we won’t get disturbed.
Eyes still closed, I listened as Jim turned off the light and then started praying. It was a deep heartfelt prayer and I was touched by the intimacy of his pleas for me. I agreed with him by saying amen when he did and then struggled out a prayer of my own. Jim agreed with me throughout the prayer and then once I had said “Amen” he also did.
I opened my eyes and looked up in the darkness of the office waiting for Jim to turn the light on. But the minute my eyes were open there before me was a little green glowing Christ. For a moment I was stunned. I hadn’t realized that the plastic Christ figure on the little wooden crucifix was glow in the dark.
“Weird isn’t it?” Jim commented as he turned the light on and noticing my staring at it. “It was donated by an old supporter of our work and I didn’t have the heart to get rid of it.”
“Well it certainly surprised me” I told him.
“Can I ask you a question?” Jim asked me.
“Sure” I told him.
“What is the one place or one thing that always brings you close to God?” he asked me.
I thought for a moment of two. There were so many potential answers, or at least there had been up until a few days ago.
“Other than people, Creation I guess.” I told him. “I just have to look at creation at the stars, the sea, the land, plants, flowers, animals, birds, fish and I see God.”
“Well maybe that’s your answer” He suggested. “Spend some time with creation.”
I thanked Jim and left the office. It was the middle of summer and hot out so whilst I was dressed only in tracksuit trousers and a t-shirt I didn’t even bother stopping to go back to my quarters for a jacket. I just said goodnight and left.
Walking out of the front doors of the YMCA i lowered my head a little and started to pray as I made for the beach no more that 500 yards away. It was a deep heartfelt prayer telling God I didn’t know why I could no longer see him, feel Him, experience Him? Asking God what I had done wrong? Explaining that I was on my way to the beach to stand and look out at the sea, to watch the rolling waves which reminded me so much of his ever flowing power and mercy.
Right across from the YMCA where I worked and would soon live and running parallel with the beach there was a long grassy mound under which hid some naval defenses – a left-over after the war. Head still lowered I climbed the mound and then looked out across the sea.
There was nothing. No roaring waves, no foaming tips, no nothing. It was dark and a very calm night and I cannot begin to describe the anticlimax in my heart. “But I need the roaring waves.” I complained silently. “I need the reminding of your ever-flowing power and mercy.”
Still nothing. I am not even sure I even expected God to suddenly summon up a storm for me.
“Ok.” I thought. “Then I will look at the stars.” That beautiful blanket of stars which always remind me of a million tiny blessings sprinkled over creation.
I looked up into the night sky. Again nothing! Not a single solitary star could be seen.
“Oh you’ve got to be kidding me!” I complained. “What did I do that you would pull so far away from me?” I couldn’t understand it. It felt somehow personal. Of course logically it probably wasn’t. It was just a very calm night with an overcast sky, but I was in no place for logic.
“Ok Lord.” I called out defiantly. “I am not going anywhere until you give me a star. Just one star. Surely that isn’t asking too much from you, after all wasn’t it you who sewed together the very universe?”
I waited. Still nothing.
“Right then.” I told Him. “I shall just wait until you are less busy.”
I sat down on the grass looking up at the sky, glancing every now and then back at the sea in case a storm happened to roll by.
Just how long I waited, sat there expectantly I couldn’t say, but finally I got a sore butt.
“I am not going.” I told God, laying myself down on the grass mound, placing my hands behind my head and looking up into the blank night sky waiting for a star. A single solitary star.”
Still nothing.
“It’s just one star!” I complained. “Just one single solitary little star! It doesn’t even have to be a good one.” I turned my gaze from side to side and scanned the skies. Nothing!
“Ok God.” I explained in my defiance. “I am not moving from this spot until you give me a star.” I told him.
And then it happened.
Heavy Downpour — Image by © Anthony Redpath/Corbis
The heavens opened and it poured down. A cold, heavy, clothes-drenching downpour.
“Oh that is just not funny!” I told Him. “But it won’t work, I am not moving without seeing my star.”
Just how long I lay there defiantly looking up into the night sky in the pouring rain I could not tell you. But certainly long enough for the dawn to break around me and the night sky to become the day sky.
Cold, soaked to the skin and incredibly tired and dejected I finally gave up. Without word I got up and started the long walk home. It was too early for a bus and what taxi driver would want a soaking wet passenger? And besides I didn’t want to talk to anyone.
I walked home along the beach but cannot even remember looking out to sea even once. What was the point? I had already got the message loud and clear – or so I thought.
The walk home was about 4 miles and I finally made it back to my parent’s house where I was living at the time, let myself in and climbed the stairs to my room.
What I was thinking I couldn’t really say. What can you think when you feel you have lost the most important relationship there is in life?
Going into my bedroom I peeled off my soaking wet clothes and let them drop to a sodden heap on the floor before standing there exhausted and naked.
Kicking the heap of wet clothes to the side I didn’t even have the energy to dry myself and simply slipped into bed. I was so tired. So very tired, tired beyond the ability to sleep. Laying on my back and placing my hands behind my head once more but this time on the pillow I listened to the sound of my mother moving about and then going down stairs.
Just as my eyes had desperately searched the sea and skies for signs of creation, signposts to God earlier, so my mind desperately searched for answers.
A knock on my bedroom door was immediately followed by its opening and my mother entering the room holding a hot mug of coffee.
“Morning son,” she greeted me. “You home very late, I made you a mug of coffee.” She told me as she placed the mug on the bedside table before turning and going to leave the room. But on reaching the open door she closed it slightly and turned her head back towards me and said, “Oh by the way, they think your dad is dying. But don’t say anything because we haven’t said anything to him yet.” And with that she left my bedroom closing the door behind her.
I could hardly believe my ears. “What was I hearing? What kind of night was I having? In one night was I truly destined to lose my heavenly father and my earthly father together?”
Turning on my side, I reached to my bedside table and took hold of my bible. Opening it I lay there blurry eyed and read it…
9 And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. (2 Corinthians 12:9 KJV)
And in that moment I had my answer.
Yes the roaring flow of the waves, the white capped crest of the waves would have shown me God and spoken to me of His ever flowing power and mercy. Certainly the brilliance and majesty of the myriad of stars in a sky would have spoken to me of His blessings. Absolutely the vibrant variety of colors and shades and textures and pigments of flowers would have spoken to me of the wonderment of God.
But none, not one of them would have been the message that I needed to hear and that God needed to give me. Somewhere along the way, even though I was still only a young Christian at the time, I had lost my way, stopped relying on God and started relying on my own strength instead of His and He, in His infinite wonderful father-heart wisdom knew that I needed His strength not mine.
The fear that my earthly father was dying turned out to be premature. The cancer they thought he had was not there when they tested again. He died several years later – although sadly we had lost our closeness long before then.
I hadn’t lost my heavenly Father either that night. He was simply and lovingly teaching me a lesson that I needed to know so very deeply. That He is my Father and the creator, and that creation is His garden. His garden for us to play in and grow in and love in with Him.
14 Wednesday Nov 2012
Posted in Anxiety, Christianity, Depression, Functionality, Healing, Heart Problems, Leg Swelling, Mental Health, Mental Illness, MPD, Obesity
Well the chest pains and constant fatigue that i have been experiencing for the past couple of weeks finally got the better of me and so I am back in hospital.
God bless the staff at Wexford General Hospital’s A&E. Laying here having tests has given me a chance to see how much they go through. God bless them.
My ECG didn’t show anything majorly concerning but my blood pressure and temperature are elevated and i have more tests scheduled for a couple of hours time.
But because of my heart condition they won’t let me out of here tonight and want me to see my normal heart consultant in the morning.
Folk from church have been wonderful and are praying and Matthew once again was a God send.
I am fine and am at peace with it all and know that my Lord – who is when all is said and done my true heart consultant and specialist – is with me.
But I might not make my 30 Day Challenge post tomorrow as I am sending this from my phone and the battery is running down. Not to mention that my phone is tiny my fingers huge and my eyesight extremely poor.
But I will try to keep you updated.
10 Saturday Nov 2012
Tags
30 Day Challenge, Bipolar Disorder, Challenges, Christianity, Christianity and Depression, Christianity and Mental Health, Depression, Distorted Perceptions, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Paranoid Schizophrenia, Relationships, Self-Image
Day two of my 30 Day Challenge and I am up bright and early and sat looking at the screen, wondering what way to go with this one and asking the Lord for guidance.
Today’s question/subject (and remember I did not set the questions or subjects) is…
“Something you feel strongly about.”
My difficulty is that actually I do feel strongly about several things and choosing one of them is difficult….
As a Christian I feel very strongly about God and all matters relating to God.
As someone who suffers with mental illness I feel very strongly about mental illness and mental health awareness.
As a parent I feel very strongly about the Children’s Referendum happening here in Ireland today and how desperately wrong it would be if it was voted through. I truly believe that in seeking to give more power to the state it will remove some of the rights of the children to be parented and the rights of parents to parent.
But which one, if any, do I choose for the purpose of this exercise?
How about we talk about Family? Yep ‘Family’ – it is such an important issue isn’t it?
Family
I am a Christian. I make no apologies for it nor for the fact that it does in so many ways shape the way that I see things. When I write, I do so as someone fully aware that my thoughts, my attitudes, my understandings are shaped by my beliefs and that not everyone holds those same beliefs. And I absolutely respect the right of each person to hold their own beliefs just as I hold mine.
All I ask is that regardless of your personal beliefs you bear with me as you read through this.
‘Family’ has been so very central to the way in which we as a race has developed hasn’t it? It is or should be, as children and infants, the very foundation of the security from which we grow and develop.
In all manner of species we see the same thing don’t we? The young instinctively reaching out to, depending upon and finding identity and belonging in their parents. Finding comfort, protection, belonging, guidance in their parents and their kin?
Isn’t this the way that it is meant to be?
Let me share a couple of scriptures with you…
Palm 68:5-6 in the NIV read…
“5 A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows, is God in his holy dwelling.
6 God sets the lonely in families, he leads out the prisoners with singing;
but the rebellious live in a sun-scorched land.“
and Romans 8:14-16 in the NIV reads…
“14 For those who are led by the Spirit of God are the children of God. 15 The Spirit you received does not make you slaves, so that you live in fear again; rather, the Spirit you received brought about your adoption to sonship. And by him we cry, “Abba, Father.” 16 The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God’s children.“
A “father to the fatherless“, setting “the lonely in families“, “for those who are led by the Spirit of God are the Children of God“.
Yes, I am convinced that ‘family’ is not only extremely important but it is also God’s design for mankind.
I am convinced, and have been for such a very long time now, that the very structure of ‘family’ is God-designed and God-intended. And I would go even further as I am equally convinced that until we have fully understood the concept of family as God intended it we cannot fully understand God.
But of course we often speak according to our own experiences, and our own passions. And often our passions are based on that which we have personally struggled with the most.
So, in the interest of that honesty, openness and candor (which I determined to make a constant feature of my responses in this challenge), I have to admit that ‘family’ is something I have always struggled with personally.
My biological family, most of them, are still living and I would not wish to inflict any discomfort or harm upon them. Likewise in many ways they were no better nor any worse than most families, although certainly there were aspects of my family life which were extremely unusual and different to most when I was growing up.
What was different to most families however, was the fact that even as a child my mental health was not great. A direct result of which was that I knew that I was different and felt that I did not and could not belong.
Reflect for a moment or two, if you will, on those last words. “I was different and felt that I did not and could not belong.”
I wonder what comes to your mind, comes to your heart when you read those words?
Are you thinking what it must be like for a child to grow up with those feelings, with that understanding, with that perspective on his or herself and on life? Are you remembering what your childhood was like? The things that made you feel so accepted, made you confident that you belonged, or are you remembering how you too felt as if you didn’t fit in, didn’t belong?
Or perhaps your thoughts are more recent, more current than that? Perhaps you, like me, also suffer from poor mental health – after all there is a strong possibility of that since this is essentially a mental health based blog. Perhaps you also know only too well those feelings and thoughts, that internal dialogue, of being ‘different’, of not ‘fitting in’ of not ‘belonging’?
As a human and a humanitarian I am convinced that no child, no person, should have to suffer these feelings, these experiences unless their own willful and deliberate actions have placed them in that situation. And even then we need to be very careful don’t we?
As someone who suffers from poor mental health I know only too well how often these thoughts, these feelings, this internal dialogue, can come not from the evidence of actual reality but from the reality perceived as a result of that poor mental health. But I have to ask, “What then do we do? Accept that person’s perceived reality or try to understand why they have they perception and in turn increase the evidence of the actually reality?”
As a Christian, and one who ha suffered mental illness most if not all of my life, and one who has struggled with these; thoughts, these feelings, this internal dialogue, this perceived if not actual reality, I am convinced that this is NOT what God desires or intended.
It saddens me, truly saddens me, that so many of those whose blogs I read and who take time to comment and share on this blog have similar struggles that I do with acceptance, and belonging and with fitting in and with family.
But what saddens me even more, something which saddens me to my very heart, is how many seem to have lost out on experiencing true love and acceptance and belonging in God’s family.
I consider myself blessed, truly blessed. I have had a lifetime of experiencing such feelings, such thoughts, such internal dialogues, of experiencing a perceived and sadly in some case an actual reality of ‘being different’ of where I ‘did not belong’, of where I ‘did not fit’. But I have also had a lifetime of knowing God’s truth, His will and His desire in this respect and that in all of those I can ‘be different’, do ‘belong’, do ‘fit in’.
I consider myself blessed, truly blessed that I am now in a Christian fellowship where I feel and believe and where my perceived and actual reality is that I can be different and do belong and do fit in and am accepted. And I thank God for that and for them.
But what about you? What about the others? Those who still struggle with this and who have not yet found a family of believers where they too can belong, fit in, where there differences are not seen as an excuse to reject but a more reason to love?
I started this post trying to decide what I should write about when it came to something that I feel strongly about. My faith in God, mental health, or in the way in which if we are not careful in our actions in the current referendum in Ireland we will, in my opinion damage and even remove a child’s freedom to be parented and a parent’s freedom to parent.
Reading back over this post I see that I have actually written about all three. But there is a deeper message in all of this isn’t there? One that does include aspects of all three?
In writing about “Family” I have written about God as our loving heavenly Father and His family – the body of believers. I have written about how my poor mental health and my mental illness – how mental illness and poor mental health in general – can seriously affect our experience and understanding of family and of God and His desire and will for us.
And even more, I have written about how our perceptions, our actions and the perceptions and actions of others can seriously damage and even remove a child’s right to be parented and a parent’s right to parent. Our freedom to be loved of the Father, by and in His family, and His freedom to love us within His family.
Are we all not God’s Children? If we are God’s children, if we have recognized Him as our father do we not have the right to be loved, to be parented of that Father?
If Christ, if God’s Holy Spirit is within us and we reject each other, are we not rejecting the Christ, the Holy Spirit within each other are we not removing our freedom to be loved and parented and His freedom to love and parent us within the family He desires for us?
I end this post on that thought and with one final piece of scripture and a video to watch and listen to as you reflect on that scripture. And I end this post giving thanks not only for the personal struggles I have experienced in this respect but for the truth that has remained with me concerning His will and desire for us and thanks for the family that He has now placed me in.
And I end it on the fervent prayer that no matter what your experiences may have been you too will find and know the perfect love of the Father and a family, His family, to truly experience and know this in…
“31 “When the Son of Man comes in his glory, and all the angels with him, he will sit on his glorious throne. 32 All the nations will be gathered before him, and he will separate the people one from another as a shepherd separates the sheep from the goats. 33 He will put the sheep on his right and the goats on his left.
34 “Then the King will say to those on his right, ‘Come, you who are blessed by my Father; take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world. 35 For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, 36 I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.’
37 “Then the righteous will answer him, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? 38 When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? 39 When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?’
40 “The King will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.’” (Matthew 25:31-40 NIV)
08 Thursday Nov 2012
Tags
Bipolar Disorder, Christianity and Depression, Depression, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Personal Journal
If you were to come into my home right now you would be forgiven for thinking that there was some sort of Christian concert going on!
The music is blaring out of the speakers and all the songs that reach me, speak to me, encourage and lift me are either playing, have already been played or are lined up in a play list.
Of course I am not actually dressed as the man in the image and I am not dancing the way he is. But the image amused me somewhat.
I haven’t posted anything noteworthy (excuse the pun) for a while now and the reason for this has been that I have been in a bit of a rut lately.
That can happen can’t it? Especially if you suffer from depression or a similar form of mental illness.
My physical health has been kicking my butt lately and so has my mental health. Not in an extreme way, not so extreme or even an obvious that I or others specifically noticed. No, in a subtle and more protracted way and those are often more dangerous aren’t they?
There have been one or two comments made by those who know me the best, and indicators that have been there and that in hindsight seem obvious. Comments and indicators which should have alerted me to the fact that I was not right.
But sometimes the nothingness is so thick that you don’t even pick up on these things.
My home, whilst still neat and tidy is not as neat nor as tidy as it usually is.
MY books and films etc are not as orderly in their shelves as they usually are. My OCD normally requires them to be extremely organized.
And on the same note my office is less orderly or organized.
I haven’t done any real studying lately.
I haven’t been writing or drawing or painting or doing anything creative lately.
I haven’t been posting or commenting or even emailing as much as I usually do.
And I don’t remember the last time I even played a CD or listened to a song outside of being at church.
And in truth one of the byproducts of living alone is that folk are not around you enough to notice these differences.
(Are you sat there reading this and saying to yourself, “Good grief Kevin how many indicators did you need?”)
It’s an understandable and valid question, but then that is the nature of the nothingness as I call it. And one of the byproducts of living alone is that there is no-one else there who would normally notice these things when you yourself can’t.
Picture courtesy of http://womensblog.brookhills.org/2012/08/stuck-in-a-rut/
Yep, there is no doubt about it. I have been stuck in a rut and didn’t even realize it. One that, it seems, I didn’t just fall into one day but which I seem to have slipped into without noticing.
But no more! I am aware of it now and it is time to get up and get out and one of the quickest ways of doing so is to turn that rut into a groove and take back those things that this rut has taken from me.
Starting with my joy! For me, being a Christian, nothing brings me deeper joy than being able to lose myself in praise and worship.
There is, I am convinced a spiritual element to all things and my strength, I am also convinced, comes mainly from my spiritual life. Hence the Christian music blaring out of my speakers right now.
Picture courtesy of http://www.worshiphousekids.com/mini-movies/23580/2-Corinthians-129-Niv
I am reminded of Paul and the thorn in his side.
I see and know the truth that I have indeed been down. I recognize that now and I know that now. I also know that this, thanks to my mental and physical health is nothing new and that it has been a part of my life for so long now.
But more than this I know that despite it all I have access to great strength.
So having recognized that I prayed, and am still praying. Today is all about prayer and all about praise and worship.
All about walking in His strength and not in my weakness.
Picture courtesy of http://1stcollegestation.org/?page_id=1564
26 Friday Oct 2012
Tags
Bipolar Disorder, Christianity and Depression, Depression, Distorted Perceptions, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Paranoid Schizophrenia, Personal Journal
So it would appear that the Time Thief has been revisiting me.
For those of you who are unaware of who the ‘Time Thief’ is, that is the name I give to the experience of suddenly realizing that whole heaps of time seemed to have slipped away and having no idea where they have gone or what you have been doing during that time.
If you are interested in poetry, I wrote a poem about this way back in October 2011 and you can read or hear (simply visit the link provided and click on the arrow) that poem here. [Apologies for the poor recording, I think I had a cold at the time]
So I woke up this morning and decided that the first thing I wanted to do (after the obligatory coffee in order to make the world slightly acceptable) was do a little ironing.
I had to help arrange for an elderly neighbor of mine to go into hospital as he wasn’t doing so well on Tuesday and I noticed that he had some recently washed laundry in his washing machine. Knowing that this would have smelled and gone mouldy by the time he returns, I took it home to dry and iron for him. But having had poor weather it has taken longer to dry and I was feeling guilty for not having ironed it yet.
Putting the Television on to give me something to watch and listen to whilst ironing I was shocked and stunned to learn that today is actually Friday.
I have absolutely no idea where the week has gone. Actually what is even more disconcerting is the fact that I have little to no idea what I have done all week or huge chunks of it at least.
I do know that I was busy studying all Monday and then went out to Bible Study in the evening and I do know that on Tuesday a huge part of the day was occupied with helping my neighbor and talking with his family. I also know that I did manage to blog something on Wednesday and a friend came over late Wednesday evening but outside of those times I have no idea what I have been up to.
This really is most disconcerting as I know that there is so much that I really do want to get done and yet have done so very little of it. I haven’t even been reading and commenting on other bloggers’ posts as I normally do and that is so very unlike me too.
Additionally I started responding to comments and writing this post over two hours ago and it seems that my mind has developed some sort of run ahead dyslexia this morning whereby I am typing letters all of out of order, even now whilst writing this.
This means that I am spending as much time altering and correcting typing mistakes here and in comments and text and Viber messages as I am writing the actual messages or words themselves.
A quick check on my meds – which are sorted and dated into daily sets for me – in response to just such circumstances tells me I haven’t been taking meds either. Not good.
Time to pray and to try find some order and sense me thinks.
And on the positive side, which I always try to see, I am at least aware of it and can at least try to compensate for it and of course take my meds today.
20 Saturday Oct 2012
Tags
Bipolar Disorder, Depression, DID, Distorted Perceptions, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Paranoid Schizophrenia, Personal Journal
Horrible aren’t they? They come like vermin and steal from you.
Nearly always without invite and all too often without reason they just show up and wreak havoc and then leave. Generally doing so leaving you confused, drained and very often anxious that they might return again soon.
Certainly that is what happened to me yesterday and I have to be honest it was so very tough.
Actually before this I was having a really good day. I had woken up early in the morning and had my normal cuppa before answering emails and then got on with some studying which was going very well.
Some very dear friends from my former Church text me and asked if I was up for a visit, which I of course was as I had not seen them for such a long time and always enjoy their company
Their visit went well and I then returned to some blogging and some more studying and then I went and rested and watched television for a little bit.
And then it hit me! Bang! The mood vermin descended
on me without warning and my mood crashed and with it my ability to think properly.
What happened for the rest of the evening I really couldn’t tell you. I do know that I went to bed at some point only waking up much later and with my general mood and ability to think properly pretty much being restored.
I also know that sometime shortly after my mood crashed I received a text from a friend telling me that they couldn’t take me to church this Sunday. This didn’t help my mood and mind crash any, but is perfectly understandable and I very much appreciate the times when they are able to take me to church.
At some point during what was to be a very unsettled night I answered emails and blog comments and as I said with my general mood and ability to think properly being pretty much restored.
I also know that I did shortly after this happened ask for prayer, and I am grateful for this and the fact that it no doubt helped.
Today I find that I am not quite right but way better than I was yesterday evening and I am of course so very grateful for that. The anxiety that I mentioned which often accompanies such an episode is of course with me but I am keen not to recreate the same crash as a result of it. If that make sense.
I often talk about the little man inside my head and explain that he sometimes gets things wrong, suffers from insomnia, confusion and the such. Last night, it seems, he was overrun with mind vermin. Hm perhaps I will have to buy him a cat
10 Wednesday Oct 2012
Tags
Bipolar Disorder, Depression, DID, Distorted Perceptions, Mental Health, Mental Illness, MPD, Multiple Personality Disorder, Paranoid Schizophrenia
Today (October 10th) is World Mental Health Day 2012.
It is a day set aside, as the World Health Organisation (WHO) states on their site, which…
…raises public awareness about mental health issues. The day promotes open discussion of mental disorders, and investments in prevention, promotion and treatment services. This year the theme for the day is “Depression: A Global Crisis. 1
But how do you see Mental Health and Mental Illness?
Are you scared of it? Are you confused by it? Are you embarrassed by it? Concerned by it? Repelled by it? Perhaps like some you think it is a bit of a joke?
All of these reactions are normal but are they healthy or helpful?
Depression is just one mental illness and it affects more people than you would imagine. The World Health Organization (WHO) states…
Depression affects more than 350 million people of all ages, in all communities, and is a significant contributor to the global burden of disease. Although there are known effective treatments for depression, access to treatment is a problem in most countries and in some countries fewer than 10% of those who need it receive such treatment. 1
As I said, Depression is but one kind of mental illness and it affects so many people the world over. But there are many other mental illnesses. I myself am diagnosed with; Paranoid Schizophrenia, MPD/DID, Bipolar Disorder and Aspergers.
But I wonder, when it comes to Mental Illness and Mental Health, what is it that you think? How do you think about it? What do you see when you see or read something about Mental Illness or Mental Health?
When you see some one who is obviously suffering from some form of mental illness, what do you really see? The person or their illness and how it make them act or behave?
If you have never really thought about your attitude towards mental health, then I invite you to watch these two little videos and having done so to do spend a little time rethinking your attitude towards mental health and mental illness now…
These are two videos representing just two real-life experiences of the same illness.
It is worrying and understandably can cause some hesitation and nervousness in those who see this kind of reaction to the illness.
But I ask you… What do think it is like for those of us who suffer this? Those of us for whom, when the effects of this illness subside for a little while and we have face the realization of what we have done to others and ourselves?
Mental illness and Mental Health is very real and very important, but unless we can look beyond the behaviour and see the person, trapped in that behavior we will never fully understand Mental Health and never find true comprehensive solutions.
03 Wednesday Oct 2012
Tags
Bipolar Disorder, Christianity and Depression, Depression, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Paranoid Schizophrenia, Personal Journal, Relationships, Self-Harming
They were words that my mother no doubt said to me as a young boy and a message that I think most parents impart to their children at some point or another.
I think we would all agree that knives and children just don’t make for a good combination. So I wonder how you will respond to this little video…
Don’t worry no knife was hurt in the making of this film and thankfully neither was any child.
So how did watching that old video make you feel? Did the ‘near miss’ make your heart leap like mine did? Of course the film is very old (1950′s) and ‘things was different back then’.
But I can’t help wondering how many Health and Safety executives, or Child Protection agencies and workers, would be near to exploding if they saw such a thing today?
It just seems so wrong doesn’t it? So counter-intuitive. Throwing knives around when there are small children about. Let alone actually throwing knives at them – well virtually at them. Here’s a reasonable statement for you…
Knives can hurt! They can cut! They can pierce! They can stick! And they can scar!
Rational, caring, responsible people don’t go throwing potentially harmful words at small children, loved ones or other people or even around when they are in the vicinity.
We are more caring than that aren’t we?
Well what if we take ‘knives’ out of that statement and put ‘words’ in there in its place instead?
Words can hurt! They can cut! They can pierce! They can stick! And they can scar!
Rational, caring, responsible people don’t go throwing potentially harmful words at small children, loved ones or other people or even around when they are in the vicinity.
Oops! We appear to have a problem here, don’t we?
Whilst the first part of our new statement remains true, the second part – the part that speaks about how we behave – no longer rings so true, does it?
Sadly the truth is that sometimes we do go “throwing potentially harmful words at small children, loved ones or other people or even around when they are in the vicinity.“
Knives can hurt! If we jab or stab or slice or cut ourselves and can’t harmful words do the very same thing? Isn’t it true that often the damage they do is much deeper, often less easily seen and all too often much longer lasting?
Knives can cut! They can cut our skin but harmful words can cut even deeper can’t they?
Knives can pierce! They can pierce our skin and flesh and muscle and they can do untold damage but can’t harmful words do even more untold damage? Damage which often goes unseen? Isn’t it true that harmful words can pierce even our very heart?
Knives can stick! Didn’t we see that in that old video? But isn’t it true that harmful words can often stick deeper and longer?
Knives can scar! As a self-harmer trust me I know this is so very true. But don’t harmful words often scar, doing so much deeper and for much longer?
Ask any medical practitioner – nurse, doctor, etc – which they would generally rather treat, external bleeding or internal bleeding and I am pretty sure they would say external bleeding because it is easier to treat and often results from less serious damage tha internal bleeding does.
And the truth that lays behind that answer in respect of physical wounds is just as true of emotional, and psychological wounds.
So we have to I think ask ourselves, if we are deliberately responsible when it comes to knives, why are we so much less responsible when it comes to words?
This blog is about mental illness and I make no secret of my mental illness and the ways in which it affects or impacts me. I try my best to be as open as I can in the hope that it will not only benefit me but also help others who suffer from similar mental illness.
Being so open about my mental illness opens me up to all sorts of reactions and responses and trust me some of them are good and some are pretty bad. But I do so because I believe in the benefit of being open about it and because my faith and beliefs as a Christian prohibit me from living a lie. (Something which sadly I did for far too long in respect of my mental health.)
But being a Christian does not remove me from the same kind of attacks or unhealthy or unhelpful responses and reactions that many folk with poor mental health or who suffer with mental illness are subjected to.
One of the ways in which my mental health effects me, which is very relevant to this piece is that confrontations, disagreements, unhelpful or unhealthy comments seem to affect me more than most.
For some reason the voices in my head latch on to them, cling to them, focus on them. They, and my internal dialogue, repeatedly throw them back at me for days after the actual original statement was made by someone, or for days after the original confrontation or disagreement.
Monday evening I went to Bible study with a group of fellow Christians at the church I attend. During that evening I had a civilized and non-abusive disagreement with one of the other people there. Additionally one or two statements where made which truly unsettled me. And here we are on Wednesday afternoon and my mind has not been able to let this go.
I need to point out and make it very clear that no-one said anything rude or deliberately disrespectful and that I am convinced that no harm was deliberately intended. And yet harm was without doubt done to and possibly by me.
This is a group of loving, respectful and well-intentioned Christian brothers and sisters and still hurt happened. And that is the point isn’t it? That even in the most well intentioned and loving group and circumstances these things – being hurt by harmful words and hurting others by harmful or careless words – are still possible.
My faith has already enabled me to forgive that which was said and the harm that was done. My mind and my mental illness may be much slower at letting go of these things and no doubt will continue to use them against me.
All I can do in that regard is stand on 2 Corinthians 10:5..
5 We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ. (NIV)
But I do also recognize my own weaknesses and failings in all of this and I do unreservedly apologize for any time when my words have been careless and harmful and have caused hurt to others.
And I do also want to encourage us all to be careful with our words and to remember that they all too often can be just as, if not more, dangerous as the sharpest knife.
29 Saturday Sep 2012
Posted in Depression, Feelings, Healing, Journal Entry, Mental Health, Mental Illness
I wonder whether you can pinpoint when your medical or mental conditions began? Did they suddenly just happen or did they seem to sneak up on you? Are they more recent or have you ha them years? Perhaps most of your life?
One condition which whilst, relatively minor and sporadic, in terms of my physical health, is that of boils. I suffer something called Hidradenitis suppurativa which effectively gives me boils and open lesions on my skin.
Now in all honesty, I really couldn’t tell you if I have had Hidradenitis suppurativa ever since I was a child but I can tell you that I have had boils, off and on, ever since I was a young boy.
picture courtesy of skincareihub
And whilst I have very few childhood memories, I can still recall the little blue tin that my mother always used to reach for whenever I would get a boil. (Which was often.)
This tin contained a thick often solidified putty like paste designed to treat the infection. Treatment involved the tin being carefully placed into a pan of boiling water so that the heat would soften the paste and reactivate it in some way.
After a while and once the paste was suitably softened and reactivated some of it would liberally spread on a gauze or linen pad in order to make a hot poultice and this was then firmly applied to the boil and secured in place.
Sounds simple doesn’t it? Trust me it wasn’t!
The fact is that when I say it was a hot poultice, I truly mean it was a hot poultice! And my father – who generally oversaw such things stood for little to no fuss when it came to expressing discomfort or pain.
“Stop crying boy! It’s only a bit of heat. If you want something to cry about I will give you something to cry about”
Are words from back then which were often used and which are still etched in my memory.
What made it worse was that boils are generally inevitably located in warm sensitive and often embarrassing places. As a smaller child having a parent apply a hot poultice to these areas doesn’t really embarrass you that much but as an older child trust me it did.
Add to all that the fact that whilst the paste itself obviously contained some qualities designed to attack the infection, it was the heat that was considered to be of great benefit in drawing out the infection and thus this painful and often embarrassing treatment would be repeated regularly and it all made for a very uncomfortable situation.
picture courtesy of cureboils.fastanswer.org
As cureboils.fastanswer.org states…
“A boil is patch of skin that has become infected and filled with pus. It is also referred to as a lesion.
Boils are generally firm to the touch and quite painful.
Most persons develop boils in the groin, buttocks or underarm area. When boils form in clusters, they are called carbuncles. Carbuncles generally form in and around the neck and inner thighs.”
Boils are painful and unsightly and additional to the pain and embarrassment that can be caused in the treatment of them they do often cause a great deal of pain discomfort to the sufferer.
Why am I sharing this with you on a blog which primarily focusses on mental health issues? Well because there is without doubt a lot of parallels that can be drawn from this physical health condition with some mental health conditions.
Not all mental health conditions are neurological or physiological. Some result of from life experiences and circumstances.
Just like the boil which happens when the patch of skin becomes infected and attacks us, situations can happen in life which can also infect and attack us.
Just as a boil is an area where physical poison can cause great pain and discomfort and try to spread to and infect other areas, so too can we experience areas within our mental and emotional health where poison can cause great pain and discomfort and try to spread to and infect other areas.
Sometimes, just as with what we term as ‘blind boils’ – boils where there appears to be no readily identifiable head or centre of infection – these experiences can be hard to identify, but the threat, the poison, the infection, and the fact that it could be spreading into other areas, is still there!
And thee are parallels that can be drawn and lessons that can learned from the treatment of boils which will help us in the treatment and healing of such mental and emotional wounds.
As I said, these boils often happened in the most sensitive and intimate parts of your body and having to bare them could be so very embarrassing.
Likewise, so many mental and emotional wounds happen in the most sensitive and intimate parts of our lives and having to bare these parts to others can also be very embarrassing.
Part of the treatment for those boils is that the poison needed to be drawn out and this led to some additional discomfort. How much discomfort often depending on how deep the infection was, how much poison was there, how much it had spread and (it has to be said) how intimate and sensitive the area.
Isn’t that the same with the treatment of some emotional and mental hurts?
It had to be done delicately and carefully so as not to leave scars or indeed infect other areas. Just as subsequent secondary conditions can result from our physical hurts or wounds, so too can they from our emotional or mental hurts and wounds and these need to treated also.
The picture above is one which embarrasses and distresses me somewhat not only as it is a picture of an intimate area, but because it is a picture of some of the scarring that I experience as a result of the boils and lesions that I still suffer with as a result of the Hidradenitis suppurativa I have.
And I share it with you because I truly believe this to be such an important issue and because I hope that as a clear picture of the results of physical infections it will also clearly demonstrate just how damaging emotional and mental infections can be in our lives.
I am a big guy, I am rotund and not as agile as some Additionally I live alone and have no partner. When it comes to those physical wounds and hurts in my intimate and sensitive parts, reaching them in order to treat and bring healing to them is often beyond my ability although obviously I do what I can when I can.
But when it comes to those mental and emotional wounds and hurts even in sensitive intimate areas, I am convinced that none of us need be alone and that they are not beyond our reach or beyond healing.
I am blessed with a strong faith, and a strong resolve not to allow the wounds and the hurts of my past to continue to infect and affect my life today or in the future.
Just as with the physical situation of those boils, baring and opening up those intimate, sensitive emotional and mental wounds maybe difficult, distressing, and embarrassing but it can be done. And what is more, I truly believe it needs to be done.
I started this post with the statement, “Often, What it boils down to is that some healing is both painful and embarrassing!” and I asked the question, “But is it all worth it?”
I end this post with the answer to that question.
“I am convinced that in the case where our mental and emotional hurts of the past are or could still be infecting and effecting our present and our future, Yes absolutely it is!”
