Bipolar Disorder and Sleep Patterns Poll – Closing Soon!
A couple of weeks ago I posted a small piece on Bipolar Disorder and Sleep Patterns and in that piece I added a poll.
This poll has now been running for a couple of weeks and although I have been very grateful to fellow bloggers who re-posted/re-blogged about the poll and encouraged their readers to participate I have to admit the number of folk actually participating to date has been quite poor.
What I don’t want to happen is for the poll to simply be forgotten or to simply run on endlessly with no real results no matter how small. So I thought it best to set a date when I will close the poll and since the poll was launched on the 19th of January the 19th of February seems a very good date for this poll to close.
So that then is the official date for this poll closing: February 19th, 2012.
If you haven’t had a chance to participate in this poll but would like to you can find it here. Bipolar Disorder and Sleep Patterns Poll.
I really would like to thank all my fellow bloggers for taking time to publish this poll and to encourage their readers to participate. Once the poll is closed I will then publish the results so that everyone can see the percentages.
Again many thanks to all those who took part and who encouraged others to take part.
Kind regards,
Kevin
Daring To Be… Apologetic.
Yesterday I posted an article on this blog that was entitled ‘Dare To Be Different’.
In the article I sought to highlight and in some ways address some of the damage that has, is, and can still be done by the stigma and discrimination that is all too often thrown about to and concerning those who suffer from poor mental-health.
To emphasize my point I listed (I think) about 18 different things all of which do, or potentially do, suffer from one form of discrimination or another or that have, or potentially have, a stigma attached to them – even in this day and age.
I also mentioned how easy it is to adopt ownership of that harmful and wrongful stigma and discrimination or indeed the effects generated by them.
Ironically, what I didn’t realize is that actually – even though I am mindful of this potentially happening to all of us, I too am just as susceptible to it as anyone else and in some ways I already have adopted some of these effects.
In a comment responding to that piece Luna Sunshine, (a fellow blogger and one whose work I really do appreciate and respect) gently pointed out to me that I had in some ways adopted for myself the very labels that I believe to be wrong, harmful and unhealthy and that as a result of this the language and/or terminology that I used in this piece propagated that wrongful/unhealthy practice.
In response to this I have this evening edited the article/posting in question and I would like to take this opportunity to thank Luna for taking time to comment and to do so in such a caring and gentle way and to apologize to anyone who read the original posting for my oversight and for any offense or difficulty that I may have caused.
I truly am sorry.
Kind Regards,
Kevin.
A Hectic Day But One So Full Of Blessings!
Ever have one of those days when you have planned just doesn’t happen and yet what does happen is so much better?
Well today was one of those days and I am soooooooo happy!
I had a lay in this morning as a result of my having a particularly rough night with next to no sleep whatsoever as a result of my going through a very rapid cycling phase at the moment with mood swings coming fast and furious.
When I did get up and after I had partaken of my compulsory first cup of coffee – which is to me what antifreeze is to a car engine – I checked my emails and received notifications of the two additional nominations for the Versatile Blogger Award. What an excellent start to the day.
After writing a post thanking those kind bloggers who nominated me I decided that I would do some filing and computer work that I need to get caught up on. Not because of any dead-lines but simply because it has been on my mind of late. But my son and his partner turned up and took me into town for dinner and to buy some equipment for an extensive change around in my Internet system within my home and that my son and I have been discussing of late.
Because I am disabled and as a result of my health I live in a bungalow here in Ireland and one that is fairly long as a result of it having enough rooms for myself, my son, and the live in carer that I am meant to have but absolutely refuse to have.
This of course makes it harder to keep the place clean and tidy and I am a bit of a clean freak when it comes to my home but the main problem is that the signal from the wireless router that was installed in my study doesn’t reach all the way to the end of my bungalow. This therefore meant that it has been very difficult for me to sit in the comfort of my lounge and use my laptop or my android pad.
So Matthew and I had discussed moving the router into the hallway but there were a couple of major problems with this. Firstly there were no power points out there and secondly there were no telephone points out there.
But as I say, today Matthew and Trish took me into town to get some equipment and he has now not only installed a power-point and a telephone socket and moved my wireless router into the hallway outside of my study but also installed a power-point and a second wireless router at the other end of my bungalow. So I now have wireless access in ever room of my home and also in my garden and I am delighted.
Wanting to do a good job and keen to make sure that I remain safe, not only has he done this for me but he has also started to re-route all of the network cabling, telephone cabling and television cabling up through the attic space and down into the rooms. This way not only does it make my hallways look a lot tidier but it also means that there is less chance of me falling over any loose cables should they come free from the walls. It isn’t quite finished but since it is so late we will complete this mammoth re-wiring task sometime tomorrow.
Whilst Matthew was doing this I took the opportunity to install a couple of additional hands-free cordless telephones, one in the kitchen and one in my study and this means that I am now much safer as, since I have a habit of falling, no matter what room I am in (other than the bathrooms) there will always be a telephone handy should I need to ring him or the ambulance service for help.
I also took the opportunity to do something that I have been wanting to do for a very long time now. To clean my wireless keyboard by stripping it down, removing each and every key, and thoroughly cleaning them individually before then putting them all back. Something that has its risks not only because of the various springs and connections involved and the need to replace them all the keys correctly but also because in the past when I have been rapid cycling like this I have started a project of this type whilst manic only to then have m,y mood crash and simply not be bothered to finish it all.
So as you can see today (although technically it was yesterday now since it passed midnight a few minutes back) really was an excellent day. But I am so very drained now and really need to try to rest so I am going to try to go rest. Tomorrow is (as they say) another day and there is a lot still to be done.
The Versatile Blogger Award – So very grateful.
A little while back now I was so very blessed to be nominated for, and thus to receive, The Versatile Blogger Award.
I think for me the greatest blessing of this award is the fact that it is an award given to bloggers by other bloggers. Participating bloggers nominate other bloggers whom they feel are deserving of the award and once that blogger is nominated they receive the award and then also get to nominate other bloggers.
So it really does mean a great deal to me and I was, and am, so very grateful to Lulu from ‘As The Pendulum Swings‘ for nominating me. That was actually only as far back as the 10th of this month.
So imagine how much more I delighted, blessed, and grateful I am to learn today that I have been given this award a further two times.
CarlaRenee45 from ‘Seasons Change, Change and Change‘ and Piperou7 from ‘My Life In Pills‘, both of which being really great bloggers and having very interesting blogs of their own have just nominated me for this award
So I want to give a really big thank you to CarlaRenee45 and to Piperou7 (and of course to Lulu for originally nominating me) for their kindness and their confidence in this blog/site.
Having received this award there are several things that you have to do and having already done these on my original nomination I won’t bore you all by repeating them here. But those who missed them and who are interested can find my original award post here – Yay an Award! Now that is a blessing and somewhat bemusing.
So there you have it. Two more very gratefully received blessings to start my day off with.
Again, I am so very grateful!
Kind Regards,
Kevin.
New Rating System – Trying an Experiment.
Whilst playing with the dashboard of this blog/site I noticed that it had a ‘Ratings’ Section.
So I thought I would experiment a little and enable the Ratings System on this site and see if readers liked it.
Basically readers can now rate each post and indeed comments by simply clicking on the rating section appearing at the end of them.
As a writer/blogger I appreciate each and every comment that is made and hope that these will continue but it is also important to me that my work remain relevant and enjoyable and the rating system (if used) is a way of my seeing whether folk are enjoying my stuff.
So underneath each posting you should see the same picture that appears in the red box below. All you have to do it to click on the number of stars you wish to award as a rating.
Posts Rating System Example
In terms of comments, the rating system is above each of the comments and is shown in the picture in the red box below. All you have to do is click on the hand with thumb up if you like the comment and the hand with the thumb down f you really dislike the comment. (Which I hope no one will)
Comments Rating System Example
I have to be honest I am less sure about the rating of comments but did want to afford folk the chance to easily express their appreciation or agreement with things other readers have said.
But of course it really is up to you the reader whether or not you think the rating system is a good idea and if you would use such a system? I really would like to know your opinions on this.
So how about dropping me a comment and letting me know your views on this?
Many thanks and Kind Regards,
Kevin.
Supporting other bloggers
Someone recently asked me why I don’t have a blogroll listing other blogger’s sites on this blog and it is a good question.
Actually it is one that has a simple answer. I just haven’t gotten around to it as yet. But that is something that I can and will remedy shortly…
One of the primary motivations for this site is to offer support to others who suffer from mental health related issues and certainly this site is not alone in this. There are a growing number of sites and blogs out there who have mental health and mental illness as their core theme. I feel very strongly that the good ones are an excellent resource for folk and that we should all, as mental health bloggers, support one another and thereby help simplify the “seeking help and information process” that many mental illness sufferers and their carers go through.
So over the next week or so I am going to place a blog roll on this site that includes links to the other sites that I visit which have a mental-health and mental-illness related theme and which offer a positive perspective on these.
If you would like your site/blog on this blog roll please feel free to send me comment and let me have the address and I will try to check it out and then include it on my blog roll. Additionally I will be contacting the owners and blogs and sites which I currently visit on a regular basis and asking them if I can include their blogs in my blog roll.
Obviously I cannot list every site/blog and I will only be listing those blogs which I myself frequently visit or will frequently be visiting. For example one such site which I have only just started visiting today is that of “Creativity From Chaos”. As a writer with mental health issues myself I like to support other writers who have similar issues as me.
Sites and blogs that I will not be listing however are…
- Sites and blogs that are commercially based or motivated
- Sites and blogs where the opinions and beliefs expressed are in direct opposition and/or conflict with those I hold.
- Sites and blogs which I feel portray a negative perspective on mental illness and mental illness sufferers.
In respect of sites/blogs that are commercially based or motivated, please understand that I do accept that some sites and blogs need to be commercially based but I have always avoided this line for myself as I feel it can place the owner in a position where motivations can get clouded.
In respect of sites/blogs where the opinions and beliefs expressed are in direct opposition and/or conflict with those I hold, please understand that whilst I fully accept that others may have opposing or conflicting opinions and beliefs to me and whilst I totally respect their right to have these views, it would be wrong for me to do anything to encourage or endorse them.
I sincerely hope that I don’t cause offense in taking this line but I have to stay true to myself and my beliefs and I hope everyone understands.
The Blog for Mental Health 2012 Project – I’m In!
The “Blog for Mental Health 2012 Project”
As an author, one of the things that I do not do when I start a new book is read other people’s books. It is a conscious decision that I take as I do not want my writing style to be influenced by anyone else’s. As a blogger however, I regularly read other blogger’s blogs and have never really given a thought to my being influenced by their writing style. I guess the difference is that blog posts tend to be very short and I do read quite a few different ones.
One of the blogs that I read is Lulu’s “As The Pendulum Swings” and readers of this blog will have heard me mention her work before. Another’s is Fracturedangel’s “The Mirth of Despair” blog. I have to admit that I have only just come across Fracturedangel’s blog but I am really pleased that I have.
Last night I began reading it and came across the “Blog for Mental Health 2012 Project” and I have to say, “Sign me up! I am in!”
The name pretty much says it all but here are the rules…
1.) Take the pledge by copy and pasting the following into a post featuring “Blog for Mental Health 2012″.
I pledge my commitment to the Blog for Mental Health 2012 Project. I will blog about mental health topics not only for myself, but for others. By displaying this badge, I show my pride, dedication, and acceptance for mental health. I use this to promote mental health education in the struggle to erase stigma.
Ok Done that!
2.) Link back to the person who pledged you.
Well in all honesty I wasn’t really pledged so much as I pledged myself. But isn’t linking back to yourself the first sign of madness? Or is that talking to yourself? What do you think Kevin? Ooops!
But seriously I would have to credit Fracturedangel and Lunasunshine for my getting pledged and so here are links to them “The Mirth of Despair” and “As The Pendulum Swings“. My heartfelt thanks go out to them!
3.) Write a short biography of your mental health, and what this means to you.
Ok here goes…
My battle with poor mental health started way back when at a time when “someone’s pad” was something they wrote on, being “wicked” meant the opposite of what it means on the streets today, and when PMT or PMS was not so much a widely recognized condition experienced by women but more a week or so each month when husbands scurried around trying to work out how they messed up this time?
I am of course using a little humorous license here but what was not humorous is the way in which folk who experienced mental-health related difficulties were treated and the terrible stigma that was attached not only to the sufferer’s of poor mental health but also to their family.
Being a young child with poor mental health and who “heard voices” etc was both very confusing, very scary and very alienating. So they, and society’s attitude to mental health, pretty much drove me into secrecy and seclusion.
As I grew older I of course became bolder and at the same time society’s understanding and attitudes changed towards mental illness – although it still has a very long way to go. As I grew bolder I began to open up more and share more about my mental illness. Although it wasn’t until 1999 when I had a complete mental and physical breakdown that nearly ended me and which certainly was instrumental in ending my marriage, when I could hide it no more and had to “come clean” as they say.
Over the years I have received numerous diagnoses including, Depression, Clinical Depression, Depression with Paranoia, Depression with Schizophrenia, Depression with Schizoaffective Disorder, Bipolar Disorder or Manic Depression, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, Multiple Personality Disorder or Dissociative Identity Disorder, Aspergers, Psychosis, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, Nightmare Disorder, Social Anxiety or Social Phobia. Suicidal Ideation, Suicidal Ideology, Suicidal Tendencies.
Nowadays, I find a complete reluctance on the part of the psychiatrists and mental health practitioners whom I see regularly to “label” my mental health issues and to be honest it is a reluctance which I share – albeit in my case it is more of a hesitance than a reluctance.
I simply accept the argument that “my ‘symptoms’ could indicate any one of several serious conditions and that pinning it down to one or the other could therefore be wrong and would be counter productive.”
I am not, you understand, saying that I accept this argument willingly or happily and indeed when my therapist said to me, “you aren’t happy with that answer are you?” I simply responded, “Well, there are several ways in which I could answer that question and which would indicate how I feel about it, but pinning it down to one answer or the other could be wrong and would be counter productive.” 
Thankfully, nowadays I am in a position where I no longer have to hide my mental illness and I apart from casual acquaintances I would think that pretty much most people who know me to any significant degree would also know that I suffer with poor mental health.
In short I refuse to live a life of secrecy or stigma when it comes to my mental health issues.
4.) Pledge five others.
Ok this one is going to be a little more difficult as I don’t really know other mental health related bloggers very well.
But if I had to nominate five other bloggers or blogs who I would consider good people to get involved with this project and whose work in this field I truly respect they would without a doubt be…
And I think that pretty much covers it. But I did just want to include a statement that was also included in Lunasunshine’s pledge….
If you happen upon this without being pledged, I still pledge you. Feel free to take the pledge! Promote awareness!
Yay an award! Now that is a blessing and somewhat bemusing!
I am just so very blessed by this! I came home from hospital yesterday and checked my emails before falling into bed and staying there and found that Lulu – from As The Pendulum Swings blog – (a blog I really enjoy reading) has nominated me for the Versatile Blogger Award.
I am so blessed by and so grateful for this. I have often mentioned how grateful I am for all the support and encouragement that I receive via comments and emails and Skype etc. Additionally, I have to be honest and admit that I am often bemused by how many followers this blog has both here and on Twitter and at how many hits/views this blog receives. But to be nominated for an award now that just blesses and bemuses me ever further. I am so very, very grateful and humbled by the nomination. Thank you Lulu
And having received this award I understand that there are rules that I should follow. Rules? Rules I have to follow? Do I do such a thing? OK I guess I can LOL.
Apparently they are as follows…
- Thank the award-giver and link back to them in your post.
- Share 7 things about yourself.
- Pass this award along to 15 recently discovered blogs you enjoy reading.
- Contact your chosen bloggers to let them know about the award.
Hm, OK so that isn’t going to be so easy!
As for the first rule I have already done so and of course would have done so as a matter of basic courtesy. I really do appreciate the award and the blog of the person who nominated me.
As for the second rule “Share 7 things about yourself.”
I have an ’About The Author’ page which I hope details some fun trivia-based facts about me but this I feel calls for more depth than that offers so here goes…
1. I am a Christian…
I fully and totally believe in God and Christ and I have dedicated my life to Christ. BUT I am neither a fanatical nor a fundamental Christian. I understand the arguments that others put forward against the concept of a deity and I fully respect other people’s right to a different or a non-belief just as I ask folk to accept my right to my belief.
2. I am a single guy who is coming up to being 50 years old, and yet am I?
In many ways (as I am often told) I am much older than my years – in experience, outlook, and presence.
[LOL this kind of statement always makes me think of myself as a figure of an old man sat in a high-backed chair in the corner of some room and all covered in cobwebs. Sitting there silently, only raising my weary head only now and then, in order to throw out some relevant or thought-provoking comments but just as likely to throw out a mischievous or cheeky observation. But I am sure that is not what is meant by that description.]
And yet in other ways I am but a boy. A small lost boy – uncertain of this world and this life and unsure of the path that I have to follow in this world – a world that seems so very alien to me.
3. I have been street homeless and am a recovering drug addict…
Leaving my home and family and the girl I loved, I went to live – sleeping rough – on the streets of England doing so for several months.
Whilst living on those streets I got heavily into drugs and it all but killed me. I am now some 26 years clean and although I still have the occasional craving when things get really bad I am so grateful that I am now free of it.
4. I spent many years in full-time Christian ministry…
My young adulthood was spent in full-time Christian ministry within the Social Care sector working with; the homeless, teenage runaways, drug addicts, mental health clients and single parent families. I have worked on the front line of this field at both the grass-roots level, lower middle and upper management levels and yet of all of them I much preferred the grass-roots level.
5. I am married but separated…
I married the love of my life some 25 years ago now and whilst we separated some 6 years ago and have no plans or desire to reconcile I am fairly sure that I shall never marry again as I don’t feel this would be right.
I have never stopped loving my wife and don’t think I ever will. I understand why she left and I hold no ill-will towards here whatsoever and get hurt when others criticize her for leaving as a) it demonstrates a total lack of understanding of who she is, how difficult it can be to live with me, and of the circumstances we were in and b) it demonstrates a complete disregard for my feelings and the love that I still have for my wife.
6. I am a father…
I have one biological son from my marriage and I have many adopted children and grandchildren of various ages. Some are ‘all-grown-up’ now and some are still growing but they are all so very precious to me and each ad every one of them special in their own individual way.
7. And finally, I am an unorthodox passionate bundle of contradictions…
[I love that little phrase! It says so much and yet so little at the same time. It invites further inquiry and has the potential to conjure up so many thoughts and questions.]
Well by using that label I simply mean that I am a passionate man but that my passions do not conform to modern-day society’s norms or expectations…
I am ‘asexual’. By this I mean that I am not really very sexual at all. I like sex but then I dislike it more than I like it and I can’t say that I actually enjoy it. I hold spiritual, emotional and mental intimacy far more important than sex.
I consider physical tactility important and precious yet I dislike being hugged.
I love words and am passionate about writing and poetry and literature and yet I dislike so very much the way that words are used today – more in attack than attraction – more predominant in destruction than construction – vehicles of oppression and suppression much more than of liberty and aspiration.
I love art and really enjoy drawing and painting and sculpting but consider so very much of what has been called “art” nowadays to be nothing more than an undeniable revelation of how the secretly-unconfident, self-important and powerful few will so readily accept the untalented offerings of others just so as they don’t have their own
talents or uncertainty or insecurities brought into question and as a result of this be revealed as not being quite as expert as they make themselves out to be! (Hm, what was that I was saying about disliking how words are often used to attack rather than attract?)
I love music but I dislike so very much of what is called music. That is not to question whether it has any right to be called music or indeed to question anyone’s right to listen to it. I simply find so much of it to simply be nothing more than a series of foul, offensive, or sexually suggestive even sexually explicit lyrics all often poorly weaved together with repetitive noise and synthetically generated outputs. But then I am older and a parent and a Christian and a singer. I love singing and I adore singing lyrics that love and welcome and inspire and invite towards beauty and furtherance and passion.
-oOo-
So there you have the required seven facts about the author (albeit that there are more than seven in that whole offering. I hope you enjoyed them and that I didn’t offend too many folk in the process.
Which brings me to the third rule, – 15 blogs that I have recently discovered and that I enjoy reading.
And here I think I am going to struggle…
I read so many blogs – some infrequently and others frequently – and it is difficult to choose but 15 that I enjoy.
Additionally I wouldn’t necessarily want to suggest that by reading these blogs I endorse or agree with the views, persuasions or opinions put forward in or held by the authors of all of them. I simply enjoy them and find so many of them challenging, thought provoking even inspirational in some cases.
And that having been said, here is my list and in no particular order other than alphabetically…
- 25Pillsaday/Fibromy Awesome
- An Imperfect Christian’s Blog
- As The Pendulum Swings
- bi[polar] curious
- Danii’s place
- I Was Just Thinking
- James Claims
- livingwithablackdog
- Lordemannuel’s Blog
- Manic Muses
- Mercy Me’s Blog
- Pick Me Ups
- Stephen Fry’s Blog
- The Birds and Bees and Me
- The Sandwich lady
And having now listed them I would like to congratulate and thank them all. I am not easily impressed or entertained and each of you have done just that.
So that is the first three of the four rules that I should comply with having received this award. I am now off to comment to or email each of the authors of the blogs that I have listed and let then know that I have nominated them and thus they too have received the “Versatile Blogger Award”
To Lulu who gave me this award. My heart-felt thanks. I really enjoy reading your work and having a nomination from you really does mean a lot to me.
Introducing The ‘Trigger Warning’ Sign!
Let me introduce you to the Trigger Warning Sign!
Trigger Warning!
From now on I intend to display this sign on any posting that contains content which I feel that may be disturbing to or that may trigger potential readers. Whilst I do try to be very careful about what I write sometimes it is important for the integrity of the piece that I am candid. So by displaying this sign it is my hope that readers will take caution when reading that post.
The fact it that I have been giving a lot of thought to the way in which I write, publish and present this site.
What some readers may not know is that apart from my writing on this blog I also do (or have done) other pieces of writing – some anecdotal, some articles for magazines, some poetry, some articles for other blogs and a number of Children’s books and Christian novels.
Now please don’t excited I have never attempted to get my Children’s books or Christian novels published and indeed most of my work is free of charge. Actually both the Children’s books and the Christian novels were written for my family and friends and grew out of telling bedtime stories really.
But something occurred to me as a result of re-reading one of those Christian novels. Because they dealt with items that were sometimes very close to my personal experiences, and thus dealt with self-harming, abuse and mental health, I would often write the words “Possible Trigger Warning” at the head of any chapter that contained graphic or delicate content. My reasoning was simple. I wanted the reader to enjoy the book and indeed get fully involved with the story-lines but to be forewarned in case they were sensitive or susceptible in respect of such content.
It therefore seemed perfectly logical therefore, that if I would give a warning within my books I should also display a warning here on this site. I am only sorry that I didn’t think of this before and hey who knows, perhaps other bloggers will pick up on the idea and display the same warning so that we can all read and share safely.
Front Doors and Church Doors
I am mindful that this is a website and indeed a blog that is followed and read by folk all over the world. I am truly grateful for this but sometimes it does make me wonder.
One of the things that I wonder about is whether everyone reading my posts ‘gets’ were I am coming from or can relate to some of the things that I talk about.
Oh, don’t get me wrong here. I don’t mean the symptoms or illnesses or even the thought processes that I often discuss. No, what I am referring to here is more the personal anecdotes or experiences of my past. I wonder about that sometimes and indeed I am very mindful of it now because the basis of this post is very much founded on the noticeable differences between everyday things in my past compared to my current experiences and I wonder if they are the same for you the reader?
Front Doors and Church Doors! Now there are a couple of things that are noticeably different today to how they were when I was younger. (Hm I wonder if you have already worked out the difference?)
For most of my childhood I grew up in long roads of terraced houses. Actually here is a photo which gives you an indication of what one of my family home’s was like…
That picture was actually taken on the occasion of my Christening. So it would have been some 50 years ago now. Well 49 and a half years ago and was taken outside our front door.
Here is another one taken the same day but this time outside the doors of our family church.
I share these photos with you not because I am having a fit of nostalgia but because the title of this post is Front Doors and Church Doors and both of these are shown in these photos and interestingly enough both sets of doors are how I remember them now and how you seldom see them today – they are open.
It is something that I really do remember from my childhood and that I just don’t see nowadays. The front doors to our homes were open most of the time during good weather and the church doors were often open or at least seldom locked during the day time.
As I said earlier, I am mindful that readers of this blog come from all over the world and equally readers of this blog are all different ages. So your experiences may have been different to mine but as I say when I was growing up the front doors to our homes and churches were nearly always unlocked and open.
And whilst I probably didn’t pay it much attention at the time what I realize now is that implicit in their being unlocked and open was indeed a welcome and an openness and a trust that you just don’t seem to get nowadays.
Just as folk were always popping into each others houses for tea or coffee and a chat folk would often pop into church just for a quiet time of reflection or a time of prayer and they were more than welcome and totally at liberty to do so in both situations.
And do you know what? Just as those open and unlocked front doors to our homes and churches were indicative of the times that I grew up in and indeed that welcome and openness and trust that I spoke of before. Our all too often closed and locked front doors to our homes and churches are I think just as indicative of the times that we live in today and of the apparent lack of openness, welcome and trust nowadays.
This truly saddens me but what saddens me even more is how I truly believe that these difference are also indicative of our approach to our lives and our hearts.
I truly believe that just as the doorways to our homes and our churches are all too often closed and locked nowadays so too, in my opinion, are the doorways to our lives and hearts.
Just as inviting you into my home allows you to see how I live, inviting you to come to my church allows you to see how I worship and what my core values are.
But do we do that enough nowadays? Are we all becoming far too insular and far too private in our approaches?
Just as those front doors and church doors more often or not remain closed and locked with a selective caution employed about who we open them too and when we open them up nowadays. Is it not also true that we have learned to close and lock the front doors to our lives and our hearts and to be just as selective about who we open them up to?
Now I totally understand that without homes and our churches we do this principally because we can’t trust people not to misuse or abuse, to rob and vandalize them and isn’t this the case also when it comes to our lives and our hearts? That we are frightened that they and thus we will be misused, abused, robbed, and/or vandalized in some way?
Of course sometimes we don’t open up our homes because we are embarrassed by them and think there is something wrong with them or don’t invite people to our church because we are frightened of being judged or ridiculed. And again isn’t that true also of our lives and our hearts sometimes?
I have to be honest here and admit that when it comes to mental illness this often plays a very large part in why we are extremely selective about who we open our lives and/or our hearts to. We have a fear of being judged and/or ridiculed as well as a fear of our suffering some form of misuse or even abuse or of having our trust robbed or even vandalized. And to be totally honest I think this is a very natural reaction.
But what about love? What about healing? What about shared experiences, companionship and nurturing and growth?
Today is (or at least was when I started writing this post) New Year’s Eve 2011 – did you really expect to get away without my having mentioned it? – and of course it is the day when a lot of people make New Year Resolutions and send New Year’s greetings.
The making of New Year Resolutions is a tradition believed to have been started as far back as 153 BC when Janus (who in mythology was the god of beginnings and transitions) was placed at the head of the calendar and one that is still very much alive today. It is also a tradition in which I personally don’t participate on the grounds that most resolutions tend to be things that we should have started doing any other day of the year.
BUT if I were to make a New Year resolution or send a New Year Greeting it would have to be one that recognized my need, and indeed I feel all of our need, for love, healing, shared experiences, companionship, nurturing and growth.
So my New Year Greeting to all of you who have been such a blessing in following this blog and indeed in supporting and encouraging me is to wish you a super 2012 and to hope that each and every one of us will make the coming year a year when we don’t have closed front doors and locked Church doors when it comes to our lives and hearts but instead learn to open them and to benefit from as much love, healing, shared experiences, companionship, nurturing and growth as possible.
Kind Regards
Kevin.
A day of Reading, Resting and Writing.
A fairly unsettled night, but hey that is not unusual for me and indeed these things do happen and you just have to make the most of things. Additionally I had already resolved to have a restful day and so hopefully I will be able to catch up on some sleep.
Following up on my day of rest yesterday and in keeping with my attempts to not do too much too soon now that I am on the mend again I am going to try very hard not to do anything around the house again today.
Trust me this is a fairly big deal for me since I am aware that the floors need mopping and some dusting and tidying needs doing and a load of laundry still needs to be done. all of this of course plays on my mind and then it gets at me about it. But regardless of this I am determined to prove to myself that I am able to rest and to resist the urges. If nothing else it is good practice against my OCD.
Instead I have decided that I will do some reading, there are a couple of books that I am anxious to read and also spend some time writing letters.
One of the things that I am very mindful of is that my eyesight and indeed my steadiness of hand are suffering lately and I am keen to write some letters whilst I still can. I have taken to painting little thank you cards for folk when they show me hospitality and so have painted a couple for the leaders/hosts of the bible studies that I attend.
Monday afternoon I sat and painted one for the hosts of that evening’s bible study and really noticed how my eyesight and steadiness of hand had worsened. Which is one of the reasons that I had given up both doing and teaching art.
In terms of writing letters, when I write to folk I like to write by hand as I feel it is more personal and more intimate and shows that I value the person receiving the letter. Sadly as I write I tire and as I tire my handwriting gets worse and this was before my hand steadiness had worsened so I am keen to write some letters before I loss the ability to write neatly or legibly.
Other than that I do have a couple of DVDs that I wish to view whilst I have the time. So that is my plan for today. Hopefully I will achieve what I want to achieve which is basically reading, resting and writing but not all at the same time
A Comment on Commenting.
Whilst enjoying the ability to sit at my desk and write for a while I did want to write a short post on the importance of commenting on people’s blogs.
My Personal Motives:
When I decided to write this blog I did so for a number of reasons…
Firstly I wanted to share my personal experiences in the hope that others who suffer similar one will know that they are not alone and that there is hope.
Secondly I wanted to demonstrate that being a Christian didn’t guarantee (despite what the prosperity ministry lot are teaching) a trouble-free life here on this earth and that actually yes you can be a Christian and still suffer from poor mental and/or physical health.
Thirdly, I thought it would afford me a chance to verbalize and thus aid my working through, some of the issues that I deal with in respect of my mental health.
The Motivations I receive:
What I didn’t envisage or even consider really was the fact that it would also afford others the opportunity – through comments and emails etc – to ACTIVELY share in what is going on in my head and life. Nor did I envisage just how important those comments, observations or encouragements would become to me.
Each and every comment is important to me and affords me the ability to either; see that others can understand where I am coming from, agree with my assessment of things, disagree with my assessment of things, or are going though similar things themselves. Each of these things are important and above all else they show that none of us need to be alone.
I try, when able, (and I apologize for not having been able to do a lot of this lately) to comment on a lot of things that I read as you never know just how valuable that comment or encouragement can be to someone and indeed hasn’t history taught us that a simple act of compassion, caring or love can save lives?
No man (or woman for that matter) is an island:
For me personally, and I know for others, the friendship and fellowship that is afforded through the dialogue of comments is also very important. For many – those who are housebound, those who suffer from social anxiety etc – the ability to communicate with others via the internet is very important and can indeed be an important life-line.
And I think that is an important factor to consider here. For those folk who suffer from poor self-images, social anxiety and the such very often the albeit limited interaction that they get, the relationships and friendships that they can form, via the internet can be a huge step towards healing and empowering them to step out and form personal relationship off of the internet.
Whilst I don’t suffer from social anxiety to such a degree, in my own circumstances I tend not to get out much. I do not and cannot drive and so to go out means either relying on one or two people or indeed paying out for taxis since there is no local bus service here. So for me also most of my communication happens here on the web.
Big up to the Rents:
LOL No I am not turning gangsta, I am just mindful of a conversation I had with someone who mentioned that because of geographical location the majority of the contact they had with their “rents” (parents) was via the internet.
I can so relate to this since I live in a totally different country from both my biological and my adopted families and thus most of my conversations and contact is via the internet.and the occasional telephone calls. Additionally there are time zones to consider and this can create its own difficulties.
So when sometimes I awake in pain in the middle of the night or indeed as a result of having a bad nightmare or from a serious episode of poor mental health knowing that someone cares for you is very reassuring. Waking up in these circumstances and seeing that someone – especially parents and family – have left a comment on something you have written earlier is a great source of encouragement and is invaluable.
Again, readers and keen observers of this blog may well have notice that my parents have started commenting on my posts and I am so very grateful for this as I am for all comments that I receive.
So thee you have it. My take on why it is important to comment on other folk’s blog posts. As I have said before, I really am so very grateful for very comment that I receive and I really do hope they continue but more than this I hope that each and every person who reads this will feel inspired and encouraged to comment on the other blogs that they read or follow.
At the risk of sounding like an advertisement, a telephone recording or an online survey greeting, let me just end by saying, “Your feedback matters to us!”
Tomorrow is another day.
An hour or so ago I published a post that I had started writing when I first got up but that I had to stop writing as I have suffered migraine like headaches all day.
Some have already responded to that post and noticed the difference in its tone. I am always grateful for people’s responses and the feedback that I get even when the post isn’t too positive and I accept that this last post wasn’t too positive but then I promised myself that I would be real in this blog.
The truth is that having poor mental health or poor physical health and indeed having both combined can drag you down and whilst I try to be real I do so with the sure-fire resolve and assurance that it will improve either in this world or the next and that I have a loving saviour who will not forsake me.
As for how I am at this present time, I am slightly more encouraged. I have just shared a bible study with my family and this is always a positive thing.
The blood issues are still on my mind I have to say and still very much present. (I just checked). I shared my concerns about them in my posting entitled “bloody concerning” the other day and am very grateful for the encouragements that I received concerning this.
Despite my reluctance to see a doctor about something so intimate and being victim of a very poor self-body image I did call my doctor today but sadly they closed early today and so I could not arrange an appointment. I have however spoken to my son and he has offered to give me transport to the doctors tomorrow if am able to arrange an appointment and I am going to call and arrange one tomorrow if possible. Tomorrow is as they say another day.
Nothing else has really changed in respect of my health since my last post and so I am going to go to bed and try to rest some more in order that I may be able to get up early tomorrow and call my doctor. I did just want to post this update before retiring for the night and to thank everyone for their comments, encouragements and prayers.
Bloody Cencerning!
I have spent the day resting. Yep all day apart from twice when I had to get up to answer the door.
Once was for the local community volunteers who come regularly to check up on me and another time was for a delivery.
I guess I am just particularly tired of late. I am really not sure why this is, just that it is really knocking me for six. Part of me says to fight it as much as I can – which I do when I am able, the other part of me says to just accept it as a part of life and to deal with whatever hand I am dealt (so to speak).
But then that is one of the conflicts that are so frequently present for those of us who suffer from poor mental health combined with poor physical health. Earlier today, whilst laying in bed and during one of my many “awake” moments I checked out a fellow blogger’s blog.
James is a good guy from what I can tell and is much younger than me and trying his hardest to face life as best he can whilst dealing with his Manic Depression and trying to work his way through university. I can understand and indeed relate to a lot of what he writes and indeed what he goes through, having been there myself. I see the conflict that he faces trying to deal with not being “normal” per se and yet wanting others to treat you normally whilst all the time having to deal with the inner feelings and thoughts.
I find that I am struggling a great deal today. The day did not start well and got progressively worse as it progressed, although not too badly it has to be said.
It all started off with my noticing yet more bleeding. Now blood to many is just a part of life and finding a little on you every now and then from some scratch or cut normally produces nothing more than mere curiosity as to where it came from.
Historically it has been seen as the very symbol of life. For the Aboriginal Australians it featured highly as body markings for sacred dancers and for many pagan beliefs features very highly in their sacrificial rites. Even in our Christian faith system it features highly. But for a self-harmer it has produces all sorts of results and can lead to a series of concerns and considerations and may even trigger them. Fortunately I managed to stay fairly ok about it all when I first noticed it.
Further, slightly apprehensive, investigation led to the discovery that I have again been bleeding from my navel again. Which of course leads to more complications as it does throw up the question of whether or not to see my Doctor again? I don’t like being a nuisance and I don’t like people seeing my body and get very apprehensive about both things.
Then to cap it all off I noticed more rectal bleeding which of course didn’t help much and which of course led to even more deliberations, conflicts and concerns. If I don’t like the thought of the doctor peering into the hole in my stomach you can imagine what the thought of her peering into the other hole does to me? Sorry if that image is a little too graphic for anyone.
So today I find myself struggling again. I am, as I said, very tired and very worried about what is going on with my body. I am trying to stay rational about it all and indeed to not let it worry me too greatly but they worry about going to the doctor is as bad as the worry about what it going on. So I am going to try to put it out of my mind for a while – which is of course not that easy when you have a mind like mine.
I hold on to the sure knowledge that I am not alone in all this since I have a personal faith but have to admit that outside of all that I feel very, very alone – something which doesn’t normally bother me but today it is it seems.
Such is life. It is all bloody concerning.
Fighting on and Managing The Madness Part Eight – Healthy Release.
I have had a good day today and I am so very pleased that I have. If recent times are anything to go on, it makes a pleasant change and I think the successes of yesterday certainly had something to do with it.
In reality I didn’t really get much done. I did manage to do some computer work and to organize a few things that have been awaiting my attention. I am very pleased about this
On the plus side of things I also managed to remember to contact my pharmacist as I was fairly sure I had some meds to pick up. I was correct and they will have these ready for me next week.
On the negative side of things I contacted my psychiatrist because I have had this irritating feeling that I was or am due to see him. Oops I missed my appointment and my next one isn’t until April 24th so that isn’t very good at all and yes I have little doubt I will get told off for missing such an important thing.
Again on the plus side I have a doctor’s appointment tomorrow instead of next week in order to sort out my bleeding from my navel and in order to arrange compression bandages/stockings for my leg…
On the plus side, my leg is not as swollen as it has been and hopefully will get even better with the compression bandages/stocking.
On the plus side, I managed to publish part eight of the Managing the Madness Series.
You can find it by clicking on the “Managing The Madness” page link at the top right hand corner of this page or click here..
Again on the plus side, I have been invited to a bible study group on Friday night and am really looking forward to it. Don’t tell anyone I admitted that!
I also managed to remember to pay a very important bill today, It has left me absolutely broke but at least the need to pay the bill will not be weighing me down anymore. So that is a good thing also.
So I go to my bed tonight weary but not tired, happy and not too burdened. I am so very grateful for all the responses and encouragements that I receive here on this site, on twitter, Facebook, Skype or email and I pray you all have a great evening/night.
Really encouraging day!
I have to share just how positive a day I have had today and just how encouraged I am.
When I determine to keep this blog I promised myself that I would do my best to be open and honest no matter how raw it all got. It was and still is important to me that others who suffer similar mental health issues to me got to see that they were not alone in this and I resolved to do my best to try to face my own difficulties as best I could in the hope that this would encourage others.
Of course the downside of being open and honest about things is that you do to some degree stand naked before all those who wish to take time to read what you are sharing and so if you are really struggling that struggle is very much on show and subsequently – should that struggling last a while – your blog runs the threat of becoming a downer.
It is therefore important, for a number of reasons, that when small victories come, you are just as willing to share them as you are the struggles and today certainly is a day of victory…
First and foremost I want to thank everyone who thought of me, messaged or emailed me and encouraged me or prayed for me as a result of my post last night and my sharing that I needed to attend my hospital appointment in Dublin today regardless of my being so very tired. It really was so good to receive your comments and support and I can’t begin to tell you how much they were and are appreciated.
Sleep evaded me yet again last night, despite my being so very tired and despite my best efforts to lull it into blessing me with its presence, and so I didn’t actually get any sleep until sometime between 4 and 5 this morning. Not tremendously helpful when you then have to be up and 7 but hey at least I got some sleep.
Matthew was great this morning and came in and gave me a lift to the rendezvous point where I was to meet the Hospital transport minibus taking up to the hospital in Loughlinstown (just outside Dublin).
Hospital Transport, here in Ireland, for those of us on a limited income and who have frequent hospital visits is an absolute God send in many ways. But it generally consists of a minibus ride there and back going from hospital to hospital en route and depending on the demand (and often the distance traveled) generally goes from busy to very busy and I am not exaggerating any when I say that the minibuses themselves tend to be older in design and a little on the small/cramped side.
So my being a very large guy I would have to say that whilst I am very grateful for the transport I also dread it in many ways and often view the whole experience as kind of like trying to stuff donkey kong into an already over-packed smurf house.
BUT, and I am so grateful for this, today there were only four of us on the minibus the whole way there and back! (Leaves chair and does a little dance in celebration) It really was wonderful…
No intensified self-consciousness as a result of my size and the small or cramped space, because there was plenty of space.
No lengthy delays as a result of having to wait for everyone to have their appointments or having to go to numerous hospitals en-route in order to drop or collect people.
No cramped conditions that increase my pain levels and leave me barely able to walk at the end of the journey.
It really was glorious and I am so grateful!
As for the actual hospital visit itself even more good news as I have lost some 3 kilo in weight since my last visit! Again this is awesome in itself as I really was worried that I had gained. So to learn that not only had I not gained but that I had even lost weight is so very encouraging.
On top of that, all my blood test results came back with very encouraging readings. The new treatment that I have been waiting and wanting to start is part of a clinical trial and requires that a whole bank of blood tests are done each time I attend and the bloods that were taken the last two times I attended (and today’s) are used as a baseline for comparison against results once I am on the new treatment. Which brings me to the next piece of good news.
I started the new treatment today!
I am again delighted! I can’t really go into too much detail as to what the treatment.clinical trial is as to be honest I don’t really know or understand it all. But I do know that one part of it is to do with testosterone levels and their effects on obesity and quality of life. There is of course much more to it than that but that is the part that I understood from all the medical-speak that was offered.
What I do know is that the treatment for me at least started today with my first injection and that so far I have notice no adverse side effects other than the needle which was delicately inserted into my posterior this morning and which I am convinced was even longer than the list of initials appearing after the doctor’s name.
Actually I hardly felt it and although it does take some time for the medicine to be fully injected it was not uncomfortable in any way. The doctor, whom I like and get on with very well, did assure me that he had received no adverse reports concerning the injections so far and that next time he would inject me in the other side of my rear, alternating it each time so as to reduce the potential for discomfort.
I simply smiled and thanked him, advising him that as a Christian it would provide me with very real opportunities to “turn the other cheek”.
So as you can probably tell, I am very pleased with all this.
After seeing him and starting the new treatment I then went straight across to the next of my next appointments, (I should perhaps explain that I usually also see another doctor, a physiotherapist, a nutritionist and a psychiatrist) on these particular hospital visits and once again everything went extremely smoothly. In fact I had finished seeing them all in record time and (thanks once again to the limited number of patients on the hospital transport minibus) was back home here in Enniscorthy by late afternoon.
A short taxi drive later and I managed to climb into bed and rest a little earlier this evening and at least enough for me to feel a little better physically.
Not much else to share about today really other than the fact that in respect of the navel bleeding, I have to consult my normal GP as he will have to treat it and make any necessary referrals and that I have to purchase and be fitted for a compression stocking for my leg – which is in a constant state of swollen. But I shall do this once I can afford it – I am sure they don’t come cheap and that is something that I can deal with another time.
For now I am going to close this posting as I am still very tired and need to rest a little more, but I dd want to share the good news with you all about today and of course to thank each and every one of you for the kind words and support and encouragement and of course for your prayers.
I know that not everyone who follows this blog has a faith and I accept that for some, the good news that I have been able to share will simply be put down to good luck, or coincidence, or whatever but for someone like myself who does have a faith I cannot help but simply give thanks for it and to be so grateful that prayer works. So much so that even despite my fears and my weaknesses I can today experience a really encouraging day!
Managing The Madness – Part Seven – Thought Parking!
Hi all,
Ok I am really pleased to be able to announce that I have just posted the seventh part of the “Managing The Madness” series.
You can find it by clicking on the “Managing The Madness” page link at the top right hand corner of this page or “ click here..
The above link should take you straight to it but if you are using the Managing The Madness page tab then, once on that page simply scroll down to the section entitled. ““Managing The Madness”- Part Seven – Thought Parking!”
Hope you enjoy it and find it useful.
Managing The Madness – Part Six – Anchoring!
Hi all,
I must be in a blogging mood tonight because I have just posted the sixth part of the “Managing The Madness” series.
You can find it by clicking on the “Managing The Madness” page link at the top right hand corner of this page or “ click here..
Once on that page simply scroll down to the section entitled. ““Managing The Madness”- Part Six – Anchoring!”
Hope you enjoy it and find it useful.
“Managing The Madness”- Part Four – “Recognizing patterns and responding accordingly!”
OK I have just finished writing and have just published the fourth part in the “Managing The Madness” series.
This time it is all about recognizing patterns and responding accordingly and I really hope you like it and it is helpful to you.
As always you can find it by clicking on the “Managing The Madness” tab in the top right hand corner of any page in this blog. or “ click here.
Oh and by the way, you might also notice the new “About The Author” tab through which you can find a little more information about me.
Hope it all helps
Beyond The Blogosphere
Thanks to the financial support of a very kind benefactor who has been following this blog and who feels it can be a real source of support to folk experiencing difficulties with mental health and mental health related issues, Voice of Glass has now been launched beyond the blogosphere and out as a website domain in its own right.
Subsequently whilst it will remain a WordPress it can also be located through its own dedicated website domain address of www.voicesofglass.com
If you would like to see a relevant topic covered in this blog or have any items that you would like to discuss please feel free to contact me by using the comment feature. If you wish for your comment to remain private and not be published please simply head your comment “PRIVATE COMMENT” and I will respect your wishes and try to respond accordingly.
Remember you can follow the items included in this blog by hitting the “Sign me up” button under “Email Subscriptions” on the right hand of this page.
Many thanks to each and every one of you who are following this blog, taking time to comment and of course to the anonymous benefactor who has financed the growth of this blog.
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