About Voices of Glass.
A deep, dark, damp cellar exists beyond your reach.
In the middle of this deep, dark. damp cellar sits an old rough wooden high-backed chair.
On the chair, bound and gagged, sits a small frightened boy. He is cold and shivering, naked, and blindfolded.
In the deep, damp, all-consuming darkness he sees nothing and yet all too well he knows those piercing bloody eyes look upon him and within him.
All around him sinister voices call out to him. Voices that call out to him with jeers and accusations. Call out to him with lies and humiliations. Call out to him with hatred and degradation. Voices that cut into his very soul like shards of glass.
Too afraid to call back, too tired to struggle, too lost to reason, he sits there frightened, cold, shivering and naked.
His skin scarred by the cuts he places upon himself in order to feel. His heart scarred by the cuts of the sinister voices that shatter the silence of his solitude.
This was a true story. This was my story. Or should I more honestly say this IS a true story. this IS my story.
You see in reality, at least the reality that you and I share, I am no longer that small frightened boy for I have grown now. Now I am a father and a man.
And yet what of the reality that you and I do NOT share? What of the reality that is my mental illness?
The cellar – that deep, dark, damp cellar – is my mind.
The darkness – that deep, damp, all-consuming darkness – is my mental illness.
The small boy – that small, naked, cold, frightened, shivering, boy – is the me who never truly had the freedom to grow as he was meant to be.
The eyes – those sinister, bloody piercing eyes, – are the eyes of those who hurt and damaged and misunderstood, mislabeled, mistreated, and rejected the child I was.
The voices – those jeering, accusing, lying, humiliating, hating and degrading voices of glass that cut deep into me – my paranoid schizophrenia.
The scars – those deep, aching, searing, reminding, punishing, and yet releasing scars – on the canvas that is my skin well they come and they go, they fade and are renewed, but on my heart they burn relentlessly.
No this may not be a reality that you and I share, or even one you could possibly begin to understand or comprehend, unless I dare to let you see it sometimes, but it is still a reality, my reality.
No, I am no longer that small frightened boy for yes I have grown now. Now I am a father and a man. But do not presume that this reality that you and I do not share no longer exists. For exist it does within my nightmares and my fears and yes even within the places I go to when that darkness finds me in my days, consuming me drawing me back to that place where I never should have been and never want to go.
And yet a place that I so desperately need to understand if I am ever going to conquer and escape it for ever.
This blog – this place of desired openness and freedom – is but a journal written in the reality you and I share of the journey that I hope to make in conquering the reality that you and I can never truly share.
And what of Christ?
Does He truly belong in this reality that you and I share can He even enter the reality that you and I can never truly share?
Yes He does and yes He can and yes He did. For without Him that reality would be dead, dead like the small child it grew within. And I am convinced that without him there will be no conquering, no light and no freedom.
Ransom Note
So there you have it. An introduction into my reality and an introduction to why this blog and what I hope to achieve from it.
You are welcome to come along for the ride, part of it or indeed all of it, well that which I am willing or able to share with you. You are even welcome to contribute and comment.
All I ask is that you take care in your participation. Care not only for me, and indeed that small boy whom you have already met at least in part, but also for yourself. I will value your contributions if I am able to receive them as loving, caring, constructive, comments and contributions and will publish them. If however I am not able to receive them as such, I will not publish or share them and they will simply be rejected – probably only finding their voice within the darkness we have already spoken of.
About The Author.
I have over the past few days been surfing the blogosphere and looking at different blogger’s blogs.
Man there are some really good ones out there and yes sadly there are some really bad ones out there too. But then again it is all subjective isn’t it and for all I know you may think that this is a really bad blog.
But one of the things that I didn’t notice about a lot of the good blogs is that they had a page telling the reader about the blog’s author. Although I also noticed that due to the way in which mental illness is treated many bloggers choose to share pieces of information about themselves whilst still remaining anonymous.
Thankfully or sadly (depending on your perspective) I am in a position where I have very little to lose as a result of people knowing who I am and so who you see is who I am.
So, since I thought having a page sharing a bit about who was writing this blog was a good idea, here is my page telling you about me….
Only problem is I really dislike having to describe or introduce myself. So with that in mind please accept the following as all I can muster at this time…
Name……………………….. Kevin
Age…………………………… It changes every year 
Ok so I am around the 50 mark
at the time of my typing this.
Gender…………………….. Male
Location……………………. Ireland
Nationality………………… British
Marital Status…………….. Separated with no intention of reconciliation.
Health Status……………… Not great.
Children……………………. Tons of them. Some adopted and one biologically mine.
Faith………………………… Christian
Employment Status……. I was retired from working several years ago on medical
grounds.
Interests…………………… Reading – Mainly christian books, biographies, true to life stories.
……………………………….. Writing – Mainly poetry, novels, blogs, bible studies, plays.
……………………………….. Art – I enjoy most forms of art and I draw, sketch, sculpt, and paint.
………………………………… Music – I enjoy most music especially, Christian, classical and ballads.
Preferences…………….
Thunderstorms or Sunshine? Thunderstorms.
Fields or Seas? Seas – The ocean, rivers and streams
Bridges or Tunnels? Bridges. Especially old ones.
Night or Day? Night – They are more relaxing.
Winter or Summer? Fall – Yeah I know it wasn’t one of the choices but hey it is my page.
Candles or Scents? Candles but not the smell of candles that have just been snubbed out
Cats or Dogs? Dogs rather than cats.
Sunshine or Moonlight? Moonlight – It is more relaxing and more romantic.
Apples or Oranges? Bananas (Again my page my rules)
Adventure Movie or Chick Flick? Chick Flick – Yeah I know I am a guy but hey I just prefer them.
Fast or slow Music? Slow and meaningful
Crunchy or smooth PB Crunchy Peanut Butter all the way except when using it in cooking.
Tea or Coffee? Cappuccino Haha It a kind of coffee so it still counts LOL
Clear, informative, simple. Could I send you some e-hugs?
Many hugs for you! I remember when I was a child, I wrote a poem about the girl in the woods. It was so much like this. The woods was the symbolism of how far removed from myself I was. It was a foreign place with no escape And, I was left alone there, naked, freezing, and scared. Faceless voices would call out to me. Most of the time, I couldn’t make out what they were saying. It was a jumble of noise in my head, like they were in there, but somewhere far away. But, occasionally, there was the one voice that would speak over them all. And that voice claimed to be me. I knew it was me. I knew it was a part of my own consciousness that was inside, perpetrating evils onto my own mind. Distorting my own reality. Except, I couldn’t tell what was real and what wasn’t anymore.
Now, I’m confused by my own diagnosis. I suffer from Bipolar Disorder, and Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Panic Disorder, and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder have been thrown around with no definitive diagnosis. What differentiates your voices from my own?
Hi Lulu,
Do you still have the poem you wrote about the girl in the woods by any chance? I ask not only because of my passion for poetry but also because it might provide some interesting insights.
In respect of your confusion concerning your own diagnosis I am hoping that my previous response in respect to psychosis experienced alongside other conditions will help a little and in respect of the differentiation between our voices I am again hoping that my other responses with throw some light on the subject for you.
Kind regards,
Kevin.
I know I have it in a physical copy. I wrote it years before PC’s were a household staple. I’d have to sift through my old poetry book and type it. Poetry used to be my passion, but I can’t keep my head straight long enough to produce anything of value. If I do produce anything like it, it’s not really in the right format to quailfy as poetry.
I’ll flag this for follow-up so I hopefully remember to get a copy out to you.
I wanted to leave you a congrats! I nominated you for the Versatile Blogger Award!
Hi Lulu,
That really is so very kind of you. I have just returned home from spending the day at one of my regular hospital appointments and have to admit that I am absolutely exhausted and this was such wonderful news to come home to.
Again thank you so very much
Hope you are ok.
Kevin.
You’ve earned it! Your writing has changed my perspective in so many ways. I am doing well. More importantly, how are you? I’ve been working on blocking out some time to get through your posts. They are important and demand my full attention.
Hello, is your website having any troubles lately? I had to refresh the page about 2 times before the 404 error went away and I was able to read this post!
Hi Valene,
Not sure what happened there. As far as I know the website and blog site are both running fine but if you continue to have problems please do let me know.
Sorry for any troubles you have had with it.
Kind Regards.
Kevin
It’s great to find an expert who can explain thngis so well
I tagged you in a game of questions, if you’re interested: http://themirthofdespair.wordpress.com/2012/06/28/20-er-11-questions-no-i-mean-22-or-perhaps-33/
Hi Kevin. I have nominated you for a Very Inspiring Blogger Award.
Check it out on my post http://infinitesadnessorhope.wordpress.com/2012/07/20/it-made-my-day/ CONGRATULATIONS! 
Hi Cate,
That really is so very kind of you. Please forgive the shortness of this reply but I am curently sat with my leg propped up as it swelled up again yesterday and I am using my tablet to read blogs and comments and tyoing on this thing with my big hands is not easy.
I will I promise respond more fully once my leg has improved and I am allowed to return to my study and sit at my desk again.
Hope you are well.
Kind Regards and God bless you.
Kevin,
Don’t apologise. It is perfectly okay and I’m just sad for you that you are having more problems. I hope it clears quickly. Meanwhile take care.
Hi Cate,
Oh it will pass soon enough and return to a more manageable size
Hope you are ok.
Kind Regards and God bless you.
Kevin.
Pingback: Kevin: Voices of Glass | Courageous Confessionals
Hi Kevin, Congratulations! I have broken the rules, because rules are made to be broken, and awarded you an honorary Sisterhood of The World Bloggers Award.
It’s possible that members of the Sisterhood might object but that’s just too bad. YOu can check it out on my post http://infinitesadnessorhope.wordpress.com/2012/08/10/seven-plus-seven/
Cate
Hi Cate
That really is so very kind of you!
I have just posted my acceptance of it and you can find that post here. http://voicesofglass.com/2012/08/10/yay-im-an-honorary-sister/
Many many thanks I am truly touched.
Kind Regards and God bless you.
Kevin
You’re very welcome and you’ll be pleased to know that so far everyone agrees that you should have this.
Everyone has been so very kind and so very gracious about it.
I love your blog.. very nice colors & theme. Did you make this website yourself or did you hire someone to do it for you? Plz answer back as I’m looking to design my own blog and would like to find out where u got this from. thanks a lot
Hi north.
Wasn’t sure if your comment was legitimate or just a vehicle for advertizing as it turned up in my spam folder.
As always, just to be safe, I have removed the attached web-link, and can tell you that no I designed the site myself.
Kind Regards and God bless you.
Kevin.
Really Great Web Site Pages Ya Built Here!! Very Educational Subject For A Blog Keep Up The Great Work!
Hi Kevin,
Regrettably, we share a great deal in the way of what MHP might call “symptoms”…Anyhow, what I want to share with you is a poem about forgiveness, which all of us with symptoms, or mental illness problems, or really any person who has lived a life on earth needs.
I hope it means something to you. You can find it and many other poems on schizophrenia and mental illness in WE MAD CLIMB SHAKY LADDERS (CavanKerry Press, 2009) at Amazon or can order it through any bookstore.
I send my best to you, and I really mean it.
Pam W.
TO FORGIVE IS…
to begin
and there is so much to forgive:
for one, your parents, one and two,
out of whose dim haphazard coupling
you sprang forth roaring, indignantly alive.
For this, whatever else followed,
innocent and guilty, forgive them.
If it is day, forgive the sun
its white radiance blinding the eye;
forgive also the moon for dragging the tides,
for her secrets, her half heart of darkness;
whatever the season, forgive it its various
assaults — floods, gales, storms
of ice — and forgive its changing;
for its vanishing act, stealing what you love
and what you hate, indifferent,
forgive time; and likewise forgive
its fickle consort, memory, which fades
the photographs of all you can’t remember;
forgive forgetting, which is chaste
and kinder than you know;
forgive your age and the age you were
when happiness was afire in your blood
and joy sang hymns in the trees;
forgive, too, those trees, which have died;
and forgive death for taking them,
inexorable as God; then forgive God
His terrible grandeur, His unspeakable
Name; forgive, too, the poor devil
for a celestial fall no worse than your own.
When you have forgiven whatever is of earth,
of sky, of water, whatever is named,
whatever remains nameless,
forgive, finally, your own sorry self,
clothed in temporary flesh,
the breath and blood of you
already dying.
Dying, forgiven, now you begin.
©Pamela Spiro Wagner 2006
Hi Pamela,
Thank you so very much for following my blog and for taking time to comment and to share your poem with me.
I am quite keen on poetry and actually write and publish my own poetry. You can find it on Deep From Within in case you are interested.
I really enjoyed your poem, although it is of a different style to my own rather simplistic attempts, and yes it did indeed mean something to me.
I have bookmarked and started following your blog and when I have finished working on my own books I intended to purchase a copy of yours. Pl;ease forgive the delay in that but I have a policy of not reading other books whilst I am writing or editing my own so as not to inadvertently adopt anyone else’s style of writing and this had meant my “to be read” pile is already too large lol
So again thank you for sharing with me and please feel free to comment at any time
Kind Regards and God bless you.
Kevin
Hi kevin,
All is understood! Glad you liked poem, that was the important thing. I always found it helped me to be “influenced” by other poets, actually. I learned from hearing their many and varied voices and reading them is how i taught myself how to write poetry. It is very difficult to learn to do anything in a vacuum… We learn by imitating others first in everything we do; why should it be different in writing? Anyhow i have a firm conviction that if you read many poets and many poems, you will develop your own voice anyway, but that you will only become richer by reading what and how others write what they write… And there are so many incredible poets out there esp in the uk… Well, enough of that. I hope you are having a good day/ evening. TTFN pam
Hi Pamela
Yes I did like the poem thank you for sharing it. I think in respect of being influenced, each to their own is my perspective on it.
To clarify, as I think there may have been some misunderstanding here, I do read a great deal of literary works including poetry I simply choose not to whilst I am writing or editing my own work. It is a personal choice and I am sure you can respect my right to make that choice just as you reserve the right to do things your way.
Imitation is of course something that we learn at an early age and a vehicle through which we learn at an early age, but that is of course as a result of our not being able to fully formulate our own directions and ideas at that age and the need and desire to imitate therefore lessens as we grow and develop.
Likewise I love to hear the ideas of others and to reflect upon them developing my own thinking on them as I go. I am just selective in both when I choose to do so and who I choose to listen to.
It is just a personal thing for me and I meant no offense by my comment. Whilst I have tremendous respect for many minds and writers out there, there is however but one person I truly want to imitate and in respect of other people’s voices but one voice that I truly trust enough to listen to fully. Additionally whilst I do have my own voice as you put it, I am acutely aware of the number of voices I have to deal with each day so am protective of my voice. But as I say each to his or her own and I do respect your right to do things your way.
Kind Regards and God bless you.
Kevin.
Sorry. I tend to blather on about things…To each his own is a good policy. I read your poems and liked them a lot. Very different from mine, but they definitely work. I could feel your pain and understand where you are coming from better from reading them.
I know all too well about voices. It is hard, very hard. Meds don’t help much in the end. Art and staying busy has helped me more than anything. Still when the voices start up, I’m in trouble…but we’re — my doc and I — working on it, what to do and how to cope. February is a bad month, coming up. I do not look forward to it at all.
Anyhow, sorry if I offended you. Didn’t mean to.
My best to you,
Pam
Hi Pam,
Absolutely no need to apologize and I really didn’t consider your comment to be blathering nor did I take an offense
I am truly sorry to hear that February is going to be a tough time for you and I hope that you will be able to get through it as best as can be.
Certainly that will be my prayers for you
By the way, have you heard of the Mental Health Writers Guild. It may be of interest to you and you can find us here
Kind Regards and God Bless you
Kevin
Hi Kevin, I have just awarded you the Brilliant Blog Award. Check it out on my link http://infinitesadnessorhope.wordpress.com/2012/12/19/belated-acknowledgments-and-thanks/ CONGRATULATIONS!!! Cate
Aw Cate,
Bless your heart that is so kind of you.
I will pop across and check it out today thank you
Kind regards and God bless you.
Kevin
Hi buddy,
I nominated you for a star for Blog of the Year!!
check here on my post to get your award…
http://robinclaire.wordpress.com/2013/01/17/my-first-star-for-blog-of-the-year-award/
love you,
robin claire
Hey Robin Claire,
Just to say that is so very kind of you, thank you.
I promise I will respond to it through a new post in the next few days. I am still on recovery road at the moment and am being very carefully watched over in respect of how much time I spend resting and recovering lol.
But I will get to it I promise and I am extremely humbled and honored by this award.
Thank you.
Much love in Him.
Kevin
Hi Kevin! Canvas has kicked off the Blog For Mental Health Campaign 2013, and I pledged you on my own blog: Blog For Mental Health 2013 Is Here! You do so much amazing work in speaking on mental illness, I really hope that you’ll take the pledge, then I’ll add you to our official blogroll (which I actually think would be very incomplete without you there!).
Sending you all of my best.
Hey Ruby,
Good to hear from you.
I would of course be honored to be a part of it and will respond accordingly within the next couple of days.
Many thanks for thinking of me/my blog.
Hope you are well?
Kind regards and God bless you.
Kevin.
I am very well, thank you, Kevin. And I’m glad to know you are interested in being involved. If you like, I can include the Mental Health Writer’s Guild with your pledge, because that just seems like an obvious fit, too, so then it will have a place on our blogroll.
Take whatever time you need with your post.
Hi Ruby,
Ok I have responded and posted my post concerning the initiative. I just hope that it helps.
Kind Regards and God bless you.
Kevin