Tags
& M.E., Bipolar Disorder, CFIDS, CFS, Chronic Fatigue, Depression, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Paranoid Schizophrenia, Personal Journal, Suicidal Thoughts
There are, for me personally, fewer times when I sense potential harm (other than of course when the suicidal thoughts and tendencies try to take over) as greatly as when the nothingness comes.
The nothingness (as I call it) is a barren wasteland devoid of emotions and feelings, energy and motivation. It is an emptiness.
It is a land where all the colour of life is suddenly bleached away and it is a land I can somehow sometimes fall into without warning.
It is also a land I fell into Sunday evening and which I seem to have remained in ever since.
In truth I had a fairly good weekend. Saturday I spent some time working around the house, blogging and reading and felt perfectly fine.
Sunday I went to church and thoroughly enjoyed the worship there. Afterwards the friend I was with did a little shopping with her daughter and I accompanied them.
This of course gave me an opportunity to generally make fun, crack jokes and be slightly mischievous – as is often my way – (it is one of the ways in which I cope) and we had a good time.
Sunday afternoon and early evening was also spent with them (and the rest of their family). Plus some old friends from the church I used to attend also came over and again it was an enjoyable time.
Sadly, as can sometimes happen, there was one statement (which was made in total innocence) which launched my paranoia into apoplexy (figuratively speaking that is) but even then I thought and felt like I was having a good time.
Coming home I still felt fine and indeed, despite the fact that I was so incredibly tired, I read some emails, caught up on some blogs and then suddenly just sat looking at my screen as everything seemed to have drained from me.
It was the nothingness. This colourless, grey, barren, wasteland. No feelings, no emotions, just an emptiness. A void.
And that nothingness has remained ever since. Well almost remained.
For the mind, or at least my mind, doesn’t like nothingness. It can’t cope with it. Has to fill it and it chooses to fill it with unsafe or harmful thoughts.
Will I respond to these thoughts? I seriously doubt it (although certainly I have the means to do so). But no. What I need to do is to just survive this latest barrenness this latest slump.
I know how those slumps are. Just try to keep your mind active and open for knowledge so you don’t feel too much like your time is being wasted. Try to keep up socially as much as you can (I need to follow that advice lol) I hope your energy is renewed with positive ideas and motivations.
I do hope and pray that this slump you find yourself in right now will be gone soon. I have times where I feel this “nothingness” and it is not a pleasant thing and I am thankful that, at least for the most part, my slumps do not last very long. You are always in my prayers, in my heart and on my mind.
Love you
Hope you start to pick up Kevin. Take Care
Aw Kevin, those slump’s simply suck, to say it politely, they come out of nowhere and hit us between the eyes like a bullet not missing its target.
I could say how I hope you come back to feeling some kind of normal (for lack of a better word), I could even tell you in my comment that thing’s will improve, however as you and I both know this is not a place that your unfamiliar with, therefore I will not patronize you by telling you that things will improve, and it will all come right again, because I know you already know that eventually this dark place will start to have light within it again, and you will head towards a brighter future,
I will however give you all my virtual hugs and tell you that your a top old bloke, who will beat that demon within the black dog………..((hugs)))
Yes, those times really suck and I am sorry that it has carried on into the week. I am reading a few days later and I really hope that by now it has passed and peace has been restored to you. I know it is said over and over but I sincerely believe the only way through is one day at a time, or five minutes at a time as appropriate.