Ever gone to the ATM, put in your card, punched in your number, made your selection, entered the required amount you wish to withdraw, hit the enter button and then waited only to receive a message flash up that says, “Sorry, You have insufficient funds available”?
Perhaps your bank and ATM’s use a different but similar kind of message? But I am sure you know the kind of message I am talking about and I am pretty sure most of us have experienced this at one time or another. Either because we have over-spent – perhaps as a result of a sudden unexpected bill, forgotten about something we paid out of our account, or because the bank or the ATM have messed up?
Well today my body is flashing up that message. Only the type of funds I am trying to access isn’t cash, its energy and the plain simple truth of the matter is that it is not a bank error! It is accurate and I have most definitely overspent when it comes to how much energy I have been using lately.
Over the past few days I have been doing a lot of work redesigning websites as well as; catching up on paperwork and filing and housework that ‘fell by the wayside’ during my last spell of poor physical and mental health and I blogged a great deal also. I have without doubt worked way too long into the night/early mornings and am simply tapped out.
You see much like we are meant to manage our bank accounts and personal finances, so too should we manage our bodies. But of course managing our bank account or personal finances is a lot easier when we have sufficient funds coming in to cover the essential expenditures going out. Likewise, of course, managing our bodies is also fairly simple when we have enough energy coming in to cover the energy expenditure going out.
But poor physical or mental health can have a very direct impact on our body’s and our mind’s energy funds can’t they? They make additional sometimes excessive demands on us and very often sudden and unanticipated demands.
Bipolar sufferers will often experience a series of high and lows. Periods of mania or hypomania in some cases, and periods of depression. Of course each person’s experience of this is unique to them but there are often some shared commonalities.
I have friends who, when manic, go on major shopping trips – spending widely and recklessly and at rates that far exceed their finances.
Other friends of mine would, when manic, completely blitz their homes, cleaning and rearranging rooms and furniture, cupboards, bookshelves, wardrobes. Often without warning, commonly relentlessly and frequently at the oddest of times of night or early morning.
Of course then come the periods of depression which all too often are exasperated or aggravated by the results of the periods of mania. Guilt concerning the over or reckless spending. Worry over how to pay for it all or how to cover normal bills, feed the kids etc. Dread over how to explain it to a partner, family, friends or the bank manager. Frustration over the fact that the house is now spotlessly clean and yet somehow isn’t enjoyable and still isn’t how we wanted it in the first place. Long periods of self-blame, and so the list goes on.
In my personal situation I have to confess that I have experienced both of these.
Trust me, I have done the whole reckless spending thing. In fact giving me an unsupervised bank or store-based credit card is like giving a loaded machine gun with no safety lock to an epileptic ape with a twitchy trigger finger.
Fortunately I have learned from those painful early lessons in respect of this and now steer very clear of all credit cards and rely on debit cards only. Although even now I have to be very careful. Debit Cards and ATM’s don’t understand manic behavior but at least they have a balance limit based safety net.
But when it comes to matters other than finances, such as energy levels I am, it seems, just as bad as I always have been. And of course living alone as I do, there is no one here to calm me down or to help me control my behavior in this respect.
And I think that is a very important point. Isn’t it? Yesterday I posted a piece about self-harming and my personal battle with it, Some of the comments that I received made mention of the fact that this is very often hidden and not discussed by folk who either self-harm or by the friends and family of folk who self-harm.
Personally it has been my experience and understanding that this often happens in respect of a lot of mental illness and behavior and also experiences that are related to mental illness.
Because of the stigma or the shame or the guilt all to often implied, applied and/or misapplied to it, we keep quiet about it when we suffer or do things that are reckless or harmful or detrimental don’t we?
But it is that silence, that secrecy, whether taken upon ourselves or forced upon us by the responses and/or reactions of others that very often removes us from the very help that we so desperately need.
There are no two ways about it. Mental illness can have a devastating effect on the lives of those who suffer it and those who care for those who suffer it. Finding and being offered the right kind of support is essential.
I am tired and I need to rest. I know it, accept it, and acknowledge it. I am going to rest today and I know that by including it here in this blog, my family and those who care about me will, on reading this post, respond by contacting me and checking up on me. That kind of support is invaluable and one of the most precious things in my life. And let me be totally honest here and I exaggerate not when I say this. It is that kind of support that has saved my life on more than one occasion.
So if you are someone who does experience metal illness, or who self-harms, or who is experiencing something that is harmful or debilitating or detrimental to your welfare, or your health please, please consider finding the help you need.
If you are someone who knows or cares for someone who does or who you expect may suffer from mental illness, poor mental health or something similar, and have not already offered to help, why not carefully and compassionately talk to them about it and hey why not offer to help where possible and ask what help they need.
We all, when it comes to energy, the ability to cope, the motivation to work through things, etc., have limited resources in this life. So when extra demands are placed upon them through; poor-health, mental illness or difficult times, having shared resources can not only help in very real and essential ways but can also be a life-saver.
What a great analogy!
That was a long but well written and very truthful post. I don’t experience those extreme highs any more but oh I remember them – luckily my downs aren’t as down either. They linger for days, small but annoying, in the back of my head – suddenly to flare catching me off guard but the subside once more.
I have long cycles – months long that are not quite manic or depressed, but a mixture of the two causing me to just drift away form reality as the forces crash in my head. Slowly – like a storm the cycle finishes and i have a few months of ‘normal’ behaviour.
But that is life (for me) and there are worse thing to put up with.
p.s. I’m lucky enough to have a wife who does ALL the financial planing – or my ATM would ALWAYS say insuf funds
Hi again,
Glad you liked the post and again thanks for commenting.
Yes sorry about that I can be a little verbose at times but then that is all part of my writing style.
I am so very sorry to hear of your difficulties with your mental health and the way it impacts you. Mine is different to what you have shared although we may have similar Dx’s. Incidentally, I also suffer from M.E. or Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (although mine is more CFIDS than CFS) and that presents itself in my life very much as that “mixture of two states” that you mentioned in respect of your mental health whereas with others the separation between the two states is more clearly defined/experienced. So I do have some understanding of how that “mixture of states” can be just as difficult as dealing with the two separated states.
I am also very glad to hear that you have a wife and that you seem from what you have said to have worked out that it is better when your wife controls the finances.
Kind regards
Kevin.
The stigma is powerful, even for those of us who are willing to acknowledge our mental illness. I cringe when I think of myself as “mentally ill” and will frequently refer to them as “issues” instead. Some of it is because of my stubbornness, and there are other reasons I won’t go into here.
The stigma also prevents me from discussing my self-harm, but there is one other reason. Perhaps if I’m brave enough I might write a post about it one day. Essentially, it’s because I only engage in it sporadically. What right do I have to put myself in the same boat as those who do it more frequently? But it is something that should also be talked about, I think, because surely I’m not the only one who does it intermittently. Everyone who experiences that turmoil needs help, even if it’s not so frequent with them. Infrequency doesn’t lessen its disruption.
I’m not sure how helpful this comment is, but it’s what your last two posts brought to mind. Hope you get the rest that you need.
Hi Fracturedangel,
Great to hear from you again!
I have to tell you that I can so relate to what you have said in your comment. As I mentioned in my post about self-harming mine is pretty much under control now but I am mindful that it does often reappear even after long periods of absence.
I will also admit to you here, although I didn’t put it in my main post, that I took years before admitting my self-harming and seeking help. Primarily because I had convinced myself that I deserved to do it and partly because as someone who’s ministry/work meant that I worked very closely with mental-health practitioners I thought that it would have too negative an effect with the working relationships I had to have with them.
As for how helpful your comments are, please be assured that your comments, much like your blog are very helpful and I always appreciate them.
Kind regards
Kevin
Self-maintenance. Brilliant! Many people who with Dx’s know the extreme importance of consistant routines. Sleeping, eating, all of the rhythms have to be regular. Bipolar disorder is a serious balancing act.
You touch on the most brilliant subjects. I wanted to put emphasis on how it is so easy to burn out emotionally and mentally. Even mostly devoid of symptoms, I still experience that burn out pretty easily. I guess I have a tendency to overdo it. Or, I’m particularly sensitive. Probably both.
I give a lot, and sometimes, it’s difficult to replenish my reserves. How does one go about that?
Hi Lulu,
I can very much relate to what you are saying about burn out and about how difficult it can be to replenish our reserves.
I can still hear the words from way back when I first started working in the social care field, “The secret is not to get too attached or involved when helping people or you will burn out very quickly”
Only problem is I do get involved, not too deeply but certainly more than the normal clinical detachment that I often experience. But then I am not a mental health practitioner just an ordinary guy and thus the terms of my relationships and the resultant expectations are therefore different.
I truly believe in a sincere, open, and if needed-vulnerable reaching out to people and giving of myself. I believe in this because they are worth it and because together I believe we might make it. I try my hardest not to take on other people’s baggage and yet often share in the weight and hurt that they experience through that. I try very hard to exercise good sense but knowing when I am able to do this and when I am not is not always my forte but I do try to be sensible about it.
I guess the plain simple fact is that I could never see myself not reaching out to people and I know so well how hard it is to replenish our reserves. Of course looking after ourselves as best we can will reduce the drain on our reserves and I think that, plus exercising wisdom as to when we are or are not able to reach out or give of ourselves is about as much as we can hope to control really.
For what it is worth, you caring nature is so evident in your blog and your replies to people and in your comments. That caring nature is worth it’s weight in gold in my opinion and I commend you for it.
Thanks again for taking time to comment and for your kindness.
Kind Regards
Kevin.
I really believe that is the stuff that makes people good at their jobs. That attachment, the empathy, the willingness to lend strength to those in need. It makes for great health care professionals, teachers, etc. Caring is our job. And when a person removes that element from the work, then they are only robbing people who are in need.
I can’t tell you how much I detest people in certain professions that keep way more than what could be considered professional distance. To some doctors, I’m a file or a case. But to my students, I’m not just their music teacher. I’m an adult they can trust.