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Christianity, Christianity and Depression, Christianity and Mental Health, Depression, Isolation, Mental Health, Mental Illness
Ok before going any further with this post I need to explain a couple of things…
Firstly, this post is about mental health and parenting of children (adult and younger) with mental health related challenges. and
Secondly, this post is by no mean meant to be having a pop at anyone especially not my own parents, adopted or biological.
Actually I was reading one of the blogs that I follow A Manic Depressive’s Journey Through Life, Philosophy and Science and James the owner of that blog raised a question about difficulties with one of his parents and that got me to thinking and has led to this post.
In essence James shares that actually one of his parents is very supportive and yet the other is less supportive when it comes to understanding and accepting the way James’ mental health and subsequent medication affects him.
Having suffered from poor mental health all of my life (or certainly for as much of it as I can remember) I can certainly share my take on it all and my own experiences.
James mentioned in his post that he is very open and honest with his parents about is mental health and how his medication is affecting him saying that is “the only way that I really see as the way to be with parents.”
I have to commend James for this but I also have to admit that this is not something I have really been able to do.
In terms of my mental health in my younger life, actually I learned very early on to hide it as best I could. Why did I do this or learn this? Well I think you have to remember that I grew up in an age when mental health issues in a child was very much seen as a stigma for both the child AND especially for the parents.
Additionally, my siblings did not understand what was going on inside of my head. If I mentioned things, or behaved in such a way that was out of the ordinary, they would unwittingly comment or look at me in a way that – well let’s just say it- discouraged me from opening up about it all. So hiding it all became the best way to deal with it and I just would just pay the consequences for my “bad behavior” or my “rebellion” when actually it was something much deeper, more innocent and very often beyond my control.
And this brings up a very important point, doesn’t it? How should parents respond to a child with mental health related challenges?
You see parents have very specific and extremely important roles and responsibilities in a child’s life don’t they?
They are meant to; educate, nurture, love, protect, guide, heal, discipline, support, encourage and help their children to grow and develop, etc.
As children we look to our parents and rely on them. And yes whilst I accept that as we do grow and develop our need to rely on our parents reduces (and thus their need to train, educate, guide, protect, discipline us as their children should also reduce) the fact is that I do not believe that it should ever be fully removed – especially where the child in question has mental health related challenges. I believe this because very often the child with mental health related issues will experience either a confusion or a lack of confidence in his or her perceptions and understandings.
So when a parent of a child who suffers from poor mental health doesn’t parent properly this can seriously affect a child. Ask yourself this, if a parent of any child refuses to parent that child,doesn’t it nearly always result if problems?
Let’s be totally realistic here, we only have to look at society today and the amount of youth crime, in connection with the amount of broken marriages /families to see that there is a very definite link there.
The world is not a very friendly place and we all too often go around deliberately or inadvertently hurting each other and when a parent doesn’t parent the child always suffers in one way or another.
As I said I am not intending to have a pop at anyone here and certainly not my own parents. But as a child whilst my parents could parent me, for better or for worse, they were not able to parent my mental health because I would not let them. This being as a result of my not trusting that I could let them.
But as I mentioned I did grow up in an age where mental health was treated very differently and indeed where mental health in a child was seen as a stigma on the parents. Additionally my father was a Chief Petty Officer in the Navy and a very strict and dutiful man.
Actually little has changed over the years in respect of the whole question of my mental health when it comes to my parents and my ability to share with them.
Having pretty much tried to hide my mental health from my parents and my siblings all of my life, a few years back I determined to finally open up about it. Seeing as my mother was coming over to visit with my son and I for a week I thought I would start with her. My father had already died by this point in my life.
Coincidentally that week (actually the day after my mother arrived) Steven Fry was showing the first half of a documentary that he had made on Manic Depression. So I arranged for us to be able to sit and watch this alone together in the hope that it would provide an excellent foundation for me to open up about my manic depression and mental health with her and our then talking the whole thing through.
But I have to tell you the whole thing was a disaster. Not because of the way that my mother reacted to my mental health (we didn’t even get that far) but because of her reaction to the documentary.
Comments like, “Well he needs to grow a back bone” and “we never had all these syndromes in my day” were common place as we watched the documentary. Coming from an attitude of “of course it is a different world now to when I grew up. In my day you just learned to deal with these things and make the best of life without needing all this attention and mollycoddling.” Serving only to put me off actually discussing my mental health.
So it was over year later before I broached the subject again – doing so in letters to her and to each of my siblings rather than in person.
Again I mean no criticism here. My mother is as much a victim of her upbringing and the understandings of her age as my father was of his.
The responses to these letters were varied and ranged from; an attempt to understand in one case, an attempt to shift the blame for mental health in the family away from one side of the family line and onto the other side in another case, a total lack of response in another case and finally a non-involvement based gesture of sympathy in another case.
Each of these different responses elicited different reactions in me before I came to the understanding that actually each of these individual responses had far less to do with me (and my difficulties with my mental health) than they did with the respondents and their difficulties with my mental health and mental health in general.
And actually it was my son who showed me this in no uncertain terms without his even speaking about it. Actually it was a result of his refusal to talk about it…
My son, just like all of my kids, is a wonderful son and has been a true God-send in my life. Unlike my adopted kids he has been able to physically be with me and live close to me most of the time and so has seen my poor mental and physical health first hand and has been my carer for years.
Almost always there for me, he has, from a very early age witnessed my mental and physical health problems first hand and has picked me up off of the floor, bathed me, washed me, fed me, cared for me, bandaged me, rescued me, saved me and helped me more times that I care to think of. And more times than any child ever should have to.
BUT he does not want to and simply wont talk about my health or indeed that day when it all gets too much for me or my body and the end of my time on this earth comes.
And here is the reason why as far as I can make out. There is nothing he can do to prevent it or to alter it and that inability despite his love for me disturbs him.
Actually that can be a difficult situation because, as I learned, at first the less he wanted to talk about it the more I needed to talk with him about it. And the more I needed and tried to talk to him about it the more it put him off talking about it – because the more it rubbed in that lack of control he had over it all.
And here’s the deal, I see similar responses to those mentioned above in my adopted family with some of my adopted kids and my adopted parents to varying degrees. And this is neither a criticism or a bad thing because as much as we recognize and know our own needs in this situation we must also recognize their needs in it all.
I said earlier. I was not writing this piece in order to have a pop at my biological or adopted parents and family. I truly mean that and nothing I have said is intended in that way. Indeed things have improved some with my biological family. And in respect of my adopted family I am blessed as my parents do have more experience and a better understanding of some mental health related issues.
I also said earlier that a parents role of and responsibilities to – and a child’s need for his or her parents to – educate, nurture, love, protect, guide, heal, discipline, support, encourage, and help them to grow and develop, reduces as the child grows and develops. But that I believe that these things should never be fully removed especially when that child grows and develops with (or at some point experiences) mental health challenges.
I am a grown man now and indeed have my own children and my own grandchildren. In my everyday dealings with people I vary the level of sharing I have with people according to the circumstances in which I know them.
To the outside world I may seem fairly successful and indeed blessed with good intelligence, have it all fairly together and have many abilities despite my physical poor health (which is harder to hide so virtually everybody knows about that part).
To those who I know a little better, I may share the fact that I also suffer with poor mental health, but not to what degree or how it affects me.
To those who I know even better I may share both the fact that I have mental health difficulties and may also sometimes allow them to see how these affect me.
And to those who I am really familiar with I tend to hide very little unless I know it affects them badly except where I can’t help it.
BUT the truth is that the outside world only sees that which I let them see and that which I can’t control them not seeing.
I am a grown man with mental health issues and one who needs help facing those issues and making sure that they are not too negatively affecting my life, my understandings and my perceptions.
That help, I believe should come from my family and especially from my parents and when it doesn’t come it can be such a devastating thing. So I do feel for James.
But here’s the deal, the level of openness that I have with people concerning my mental health is very often directly linked to the level of support that they are able to offer me and indeed the level of dependency that I need to have on them.
And most importantly the level of impact that their failing to provide that essential understanding and support is just as linked.
As a Christian I fully believe that as parents we are meant to be representatives and representations of God to our Children. Raising them, educating, nurturing, loving, protecting, guiding, disciplining, supporting, encouraging and helping them to grow and develop. Doing so as God would have us AND indeed how God parents us. I truly believe it is how God intended things to be for both the development of the child and indeed the development of the parent.
As a man and a parent I know how important all of these things are and how I often fail in this (and indeed don’t all parents fail in this somewhere along the line?)
As a Christian man, who recognizes that he is both a parent and a child of God, I recognize the need for me to provide all these things for my children and to accept all these things from God my heavenly Father.
As a Christian man with mental health issues and thus someone who often has uncertain, even corrupted, or unsure perceptions and understandings, I fully recognize the place of my earthly parents in my life – despite my age and adulthood.
What happens when a parent doesn’t parent? Quite simply – the child doesn’t grow and heal the way he or she should do and let us not be mistaken here neither does the parent!
And I truly believe that this is the case no matter how old or young the child is. Whether he or she is new-born, infant, toddler, preschool age, school age, Tween age, teen age, young adult or adult and especially where the “child” experiences mental health challenges.
BUT (and there really isn’t any way around this) being a child doesn’t mean we have no responsibilities of our own. What about our responsibilities to our parents?
The minute we are able to understand and comprehend for ourselves we need to accept those responsibilities and as we do grow and develop we need to accept that these responsibilities also grow and develop with us.
Having mental heath issues doesn’t remove these responsibilities from us. It may well effect the level of our responsibilities and our ability to understand them but doesn’t remove them..
So just as where the parent doesn’t parent the child the child suffers and so too does the parent, if the child won’t be a child to his or her parent then the parent suffers and so too does the child.
And in saying this I am holding up my hands and admitting my own short-comings and failings in this respect.
One of the problems with suffering mental health issues is that it isolates us. BUT how much it isolates us, and what effect it has on us, is as much about how those who love us suffer from our mental health issues as it is about how we suffer from them .
I think we all need to remember that. So I have learned that if my mental health is too painful or too difficult for one of my kids, siblings or parents to deal with I need to understand this and in respect of my parent to allow them to parent the parts of me they can deal with. And I am truly sorry to my kids, my siblings, my parents, and my heavenly Father for having forgotten that lately.
Merry Christmas!
Great post son.
I agree parents don’t always parent like they/we should.
Also parents are afraid of someone turning them in etc. This is why crime is much higher. Children today without discipline end up doing drugs , smoking, drinking, jail etc.
Many children run the parents and the home and it’s very unacceptable in my opinion.
This is why I distance myself and my children from that. so it doesn’t rub off in our own family.
When you were growing up it (mental health) wasn’t talked about even if they did know about it.
Matthew in my opinion does not want to talk about your health because I believe he is scared of losing you.
I hope son you come to be with everything/anything.
I want that because i love you dearly son.
Love Momma
Hey Momma,
I love when you comment as it always lets me know that you are watching and reading what I have posted!
Yes it is a very different world today and I am so glad the kids are limited in how much of that they are subjected to.
In respect of Matthew and I think of some children where their parents suffer from poor mental or physical health I agree with you I think they are scared of losing their parents and something else struck me this morning when I reread my post and your comment. I wonder if sometime kids whose parents suffer from poor mental or physical health are sometimes scared that it will be genetic and that they may experience it in themselves one day? It is an interesting thought.
I will try to ope up more with you, but I am fighting years of not being able to and I do know that you love me.
Happily blowing a raspberry at you in love.
Your son
Kevin
It is such a difficult thing when one can not open up to their parents about the mental health issues they face. I have tried numerous times to discuss it with my biological parents, but they do not react very positively.
My father has a distinct opinion about mental health in general and seems to somewhat mirror what you said your mother’s opinions were about that documentary.
As for my mother she just seems to refuse to accept it, and that saddens me greatly mostly because I am pretty certain she too suffers from anxiety and depression.
It hurts to not be able to share a huge part of my life with them and when trying to discuss my childhood and some of the things I have come to understand more, now that I understand my mental health more, they simply refuse to see it.
It has caused me to be cautious in the things I share with them and it is a topic I have rarely brought up with my siblings because they too do not seem to want to understand.
It reinforces to me the blessing that God has brought into my life in the form of my adoptive father, for in him I have a confidant.
Love you
Hi Bev,
Thanks again for commenting.
Yes it certainly can be very difficult and quite demoralizing and frustrating when this happens.
But remember, as I said in my post, we cannot afford to make it all about us and we need to be sensitive to their needs.
Thank you for your sweet comments at the end of what you said. I just try to follow my heart and to see things how I think God sees them.
I love this. This is something that really needs to be addressed in the mental health community.
My parents were older parents when I was born into this world. They still carried a very conservative, 1950′s mentality when it came to the entire world. I’m not surprised. They came from very strict, very conservative families. So, when I became symptomatic, they attributed it to the normal parenting idea of, “My child is just being rebellious and going through a phase.” It was hard enough for them to explain my brother and his autism to the world. And for my mother, it was embarrassing enough.
About two years into my symptoms, I tried to tell my parents that I needed help. They turned a blind eye to the self-injurious behaviors, and refused to take my sobbing and suicide attempts seriously. “You need to get a grip”, my mother would say. There are so many catch phrases from that period of time in my life, that it’s enough to set me off in my adult life. It would turn into, “Why are you doing this to us?” and “You need to stop. We give you everything you need.” But, truthfully, they didn’t. I needed supportive, empathetic parents. I got a dictator regime that insisted that I pull myself up by the bootstraps.
It got so bad that my symptoms manifested themselves in physical ways. And even then, I was told, “Suck it up. You’re going to school.” I can’t tell you how many times I had to get sent home because I was actually sick. And I was still discouraged from telling anyone about my symptoms. I became very good at hiding cuts, forced smiling, and cordial interactions.
Every time I look at this one, big white scar across my forearm, I think of this. I was taunted into doing it by my father. I thought I’d never forgive him for that. That night, I just started cutting, and cutting. These were the worst cuts I ever had. I couldn’t stop myself. No amount of physical pain could take my emotional wounds away. And that’s when it hit me. If I didn’t get help, I was actually going to kill myself.
My parents were angry with me forever over this. I revealed my cuts, and my entire story to a trusted teacher. He referred me downstairs to the nurse, and she cleaned my wounds and called my parents. I was referred to an outpatient facility that specialized in children with mental illness. Too bad they got the diagnosis wrong, and I spent over a decade suffering with bipolar disorder before I took matters into my own hands. I was a married adult with a son by then.
Parents need to become educated. There is no excuse anymore. These diagnoses have been out there for awhile now. And there is a standard of what is considered to be developmentally appropriate behavior. There are warning signs. And parents need to accept the fact that there is a distinct possibility that their child might suffer from mental illness or developmental disorder. As much as it hurts. I know, I’m a parent of a son with ASD. That was difficult to go through. But, I knew my son wasn’t right.
I know that I need help parenting my son. They say that it takes a village to raise a child. They must have been talking about children with special needs, I swear. My son went through Early Intervention, and he’s better for it. I had people coming in and out of my house everyday. I am a mother, and my only job is to love, support, and get help for my son. I am not a therapist of any kind, and I know I cannot raise him without some expert help. And, I’m willing to put my entire life aside to see that he gets a fair chance to be the best he can be.
It is imperative that other parents reexamine their ideas and styles of parenting. I would gather that most parents are victims of their own parents styles of raising children. The only reason that I’m not is because I have the tools and knowledge to know better. I have studied psychology, ABA, and child development for my degree program. Though, I don’t think that every parent should have to go through that, I do think that they should at least subscribe to a parenting magazine. This will enable them to keep on the up-and-up of child rearing. What are developmental milestones? What is typical behavior of a child in that developmental stage? What are warning signs I should watch out for? Caring is not just about meeting a child’s physical needs. It’s about meeting their emotional needs, however especially needy they are.
Hi Luna,
Just a quick note to thank you for taking time to comment and to say a huge thank you for being so open with what you have shared.
As I am sure you can tell from the post on which you commented I can relate to so very much of what you have spoken about and I totally agree with you when you say that “Parents need to become educated. There is no excuse anymore. These diagnoses have been out there for awhile now. And there is a standard of what is considered to be developmentally appropriate behavior.”
I also agree with your comments about there being “warning signs” and that “parents need to accept the fact that there is a distinct possibility that their child might suffer from mental illness or developmental disorder.”
Whilst I was blessed with having a son who as yest has not suffered from poor mental health I recognized at a very early age that he was dyslexic and you would not believe the difficulty I had getting this condition recognized within him. So parents recognizing conditions and responding lovingly and appropriately is something that is very dear to my heart.
I am fully convinced that our family should be the very first source of support and understanding and it is tragic when this is not offered as I know only too well.
I have written, re-written and corrected and edited this response several times so far and really do hope that it make sense but please frogive me if it does not as my mind is not great at the moment.
I did so very much want to write thanking you for your comments and your sharing however and didn’t think it was something could wait.
Regards.
KEvin
Hey Kevin, I really enjoy talking with you.
I agree with Brofenbrenner in the respect that everything starts with the family. The family is the first system that a child knows. Parent are the first people that a child meets and gets to know. They should be the people that a child can completely trust.
I see it from a parent’s perspective. When the possibility of a disorder comes up, a parent starts to panic. What did I do wrong? How could I have prevented this? Etc. I went through it all. My husband’s response to the diagnosis was typical. Call the professionals idiots, deny what’s going on, and move on. Mine was despair. I did this. My son will never be ‘normal’. I ruined his life before it even started.
And, it’s easy to want to shut those things out. But, a person who has dedicated themselves to being a parent should recognize that it’s harder to keep it shut. I would have never forgiven myself if I had just let things go, not sought help for my son, and had everything spiral into something worse. Someone in good conscience cannot turn a blind eye to it, and watch the whole thing disintegrate into something more sinister than it started.
Contrastingly, I don’t think that a parent should assume that a questionable behavior is a disorder either. Screenings don’t hurt. But, I’ve seen parents of seriously spoiled kids pushing the doctor to diagnose as ASD or ADHD, because the child acts out. Diagnostic criteria matters. What good is a label and “special services” going to do for their child, when there’s nothing wrong but irresponsible parenting?
I have often questioned my son’s diagnosis, and I still do. Only time will really tell for him. He’s still really young. But, the difference is that he did actually have some developmental deficits and has had a serious benefit from services. I went from having a two and a half year old that hardly spoke to a three year old that babble all day. It’s mostly unintelligible, but it’s getting clearer. Those are really words in there.
Responsible parenting. Maybe, parents should be required to go to a parenting seminar once a year.
Hi Luna,
It is good to talk with you also. I enjoy all comments that I receive but must admit that the ones that make me think are the ones that I enjoy the most.
I must admit that I am not too familiar with Brofenbrenner although I do know of some of his work. Wasn’t it him who stated that children needed people in order to become human?
Of course I would also have to confess my initial discomfort with that statement. My initial reaction to his theory was twofold…
Firstly, that all descendants of humans are human by very virtue of the fact that they are descendants of humans. I readily acknowledge and accept that history has taught us of cases where infants have grown up in the primary or sole company of wolves and apes etc and have thus taken on or learned these natures rather than their intended human nature, but would have to wonder if thus makes them any less human or simply less civilized?
Secondly I would have to admit that I personally would have to place a caveat on that statement that considered the type of people the children were subjected to. After all, there are several examples in history of children subjected to the most inhumane of people whom have by virtue of that environment adopted the self same behaviors or approach.
But then in some ways don’t both of these simply reinforce his initial theory rather than argue against them. And of course children are often quite adept, when given a wide enough example, at weighing people up and are just as likely to adopt a practice or perspective contrary to one they witnessed and disliked as they are to adopt one complimentary to one they witnessed and liked.
To be totally honest I see as the basis of Brofenbrenner’s statement as recognizing that we are by nature a race of comparison makers. Isn’t that the plain simple truth of it all? That we often learn though a process of comparisons? Even in your own reaction to your son’s disorder isn’t there a basic comparison being considered? What was one of your reactions, “My son will never be ‘normal’.” Isn’t that a totally understandable reaction and yet isn’t “normality” simply the control group on which we base our comparison in order to make our judgement?
Please don’t get me wrong here, I am by no means judging either yours or your husband’s reactions here. I remember struggling for some time over my son’s dyslexia and whether of not I was helping or hindering him by pushing for the relevant tests and subsequent diagnosis. I also remember internally sharing a lot of the reactions you have mentioned in your comments. But then is that not the very essence of difference that we need to recognize here in the possible reactions…
The difference between the reactions that focus on ME or US as parent or parents and how or what it says about ME or US as parents and how it is going to affect us and the reactions that focus on the child’s needs and what affect it is going to have on the child?
Before becoming seriously ill I worked for many years within the social care sector dealing with teenage runaways, single parent families, and mental health clients. I could not even begin to guess at the number of times that I would be faced with parents or families that I met where the primary focus was not the child or person with mental health issues, but instead was centered entirely on how the child’s or person’s condition or behavior affected the parents or family.
I can honestly say that it saddens me to my heart when folk take another person’s difficulties or sufferings and make it all about themselves instead. I am so very grateful therefor to read via your comments how your son’s needs are so obviously your primary consideration.
As parents we have an immense responsibility for the welfare – financial, physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual welfare – of our children and in the same way that we have the potential to do so much good for them we also have the potential to do so much harm to them also and I don’t think we can ever forget that.
I think you are so very right when you say that, “Contrastingly, I don’t think that a parent should assume that a questionable behavior is a disorder either. Screenings don’t hurt. But, I’ve seen parents of seriously spoiled kids pushing the doctor to diagnose as ASD or ADHD, because the child acts out. Diagnostic criteria matters. What good is a label and “special services” going to do for their child, when there’s nothing wrong but irresponsible parenting?”
In fact I recently posted my thoughts on how hard it is to get a clear diagnosis nowadays and part of that posting dealt with the fact that actually there are so many different conditions and labels out there nowadays. I really do think that all too often children are labelled as a result not of behavior which is directly resultant from any condition within the child but from poor parenting within the parent. I think that the amount of different conditions and labels out there are all part of this problem but does not take away from the essential need here which is the poor parenting to begin with.
But I also need to try to be very fair and very objective here, when saying that. I am also convinced that actually poor-parenting is also something that is very often a “learned behavior” and resultant from how they too were parented.
For example, whilst not wishing to focus on, nor indeed to make a big deal out of my own experiences as a child, I have made no secret of the fact that very often I was disciplined for my ‘bad behavior’ when actually it was generally not ‘bad behavior’ but ‘symptomatic behavior’.
Likewise, how I was disciplined was extreme and very often when being disciplined for my ‘bad behavior’ I heard statements such as “no child of mine will…” or “do you realize how your behavior makes us look as parents?” rather than any loving, rational or constructive comments.
I know first hand how detrimental and damaging this can be therefore BUT I also, having now studied my father’s history a little, understand that actually this was in fact a slightly watered-down replication of how he himself was parented and disciplined and indeed very much appropriate to the times and society’s approach when I was growing up.
In my life, whilst there certainly were good parts that I have adopted, I have tried very hard not to replicate my father’s parenting style in my own parenting style. I agree with you, we as parents DO need to educate ourselves and I think an essential part of that is to regularly objectively look at how we were parented and indeed how we ourselves parent.
Let me be totally candid with you here. My mental health at the moment is so very poor and the voices and thoughts that I battle with are so very bad at the moment. (Which is probably why this response in so long and convoluted – my apologies for that) Because of this I am already acutely aware of the potential that this creates for me to fail to protect or support my children or even to actually say stuff that causes hurt and harm to them.
Thankfully my children, both adopted and biological are pretty much all grown up now but this doesn’t reduce the risk any although it does or at least should allow them to understand any weirdness in me or my reactions a little better.
I of course do my best to not let this happen, but just as I am sure you yourself do, I do often question things.
Having just realized and mentioned how long and convoluted this response it I am going to end now but I did want to encourage you Luna. I really can tell from your comments how much you love your son and how responsible a parent you are. I am also delighted to hear of the progress that seems to be being made. Please know that you, your husband and your son are in my heart and will be in my prayers.
At the moment I am struggling to keep my thoughts clear and my mental processes legible and as you an see from the above to clearly respond to comments on my blog let alone to actually post anything worth while. But when I am a little stronger and my mind a little clearer I will pop over and visit your blog but until them please accept my apologies for me confused response and for not visiting your blog straight away.
Again great to hear from you and to talk with you.
Kind regards.
Kevin.
Please, call me Lulu!
Research from observation over Russian orphans determined that human babies need human interaction. Touching, talking, etc. Human babies can actually die without physical interaction. I don’t know how an animal could effectively attend to those needs, even if the animal had all physical needs covered. So, in some respect, yes, I think certain aspects of humanity are passed from person to person. Genetically, we are programmed to be human. We seek out other human traits. And then, through modelling, we define our own humanity.
Keep in mind that I don’t totally agree with all psychological theory. I only lean toward things that have demonstrated to be true in study. As a teacher, I can say without a doubt that no one can be a substitute for a child’s primary caretakers, meaning that once a child has come to know certain people as their caretakers, no teacher, mentor, or anyone else can fill those shoes. These caretakers can be parents, family, adoptive parents, foster parents, etc.
Behaviors don’t get passed down as a matter of genetics, unless it’s symptomatic of something. It’s a matter of modelling. Modelling is essential to learning. We’re not born with all of the wiring essential to function as autonomous beings. These are pathways that are being forged throughout our youth. So, how does this explain children who develop into people different than their parents?
Brofenbrenner had the partial explanation for that. The rest of it comes from Freud and Skinner. There are secondary social systems that exist outside of the primary family system. If a child is harmed by behavior(s) that their parents frequently exhibit, the emotion may generalize to similar behaviors and situations. If one esteemed adult in a secondary system exhibits incompatiible behaviors, then the child may move to modelling the better behavior. That’s why these secondary and tertiary systems exist in our modern society. It is the attempt to take at-risk kids and give them another option through perspective. I work in a program where that is the aim.
Now, here comes the part about the parents. This is really where we break down the cycle of negative attitudes and behaviors. I attended a communications seminar earlier in the year that focused on parents. We reviewed excerpts from “The Six Stages of Parenthood”. It was most impressive, and is a read I encourage all parents to at least skim through.
It’s almost unacceptable that I would have that kind of thought, me having bipolar disorder and all. And the third stage in “The Six Stages of Parenthood” helped me with that one. We all have preconceptions about our children, our mates, our marriages, etc. With children, a point will come when the idea of a child and the real deal deviate from each other. This is usually during the toddler years, when children begin to assert their own ideas and personality.
For me, that coincided with my son’s diagnosis. Mind you, his developmental delay was noticable and he exhibited some atypical behaviors. It startled my perception of him, and all of my hopes for his future. Will he ever tell me that he loves me without being prompted? Will he be able to have friendships and relationships? And most of all, will he be able to get the education he deserves and have the ability to max out his potential? College? Will he ever be able to live on his own? It’s huge!
And then, i realized that those were things I wanted. He is who he is, ASD and all. And before his diagnosis, I thought he was perfect the way he was. Why should I let that change my mind? The label didn’t change him!
You have to understand that I have a significant preconception about ASD, since my brother is only moderately functioning. My brother was laregly nonverbal growing up, occasionally violent, ridged, and absolutely pervasive. Even to this day, my brother cannot hold a conversation at length, nor can he live on his own. He requires special care and services and always will.
My son is at a higher level of functioning despite the age gap. And when I drew the comparison while having the knowledge that it is a spectrum disorder, I could see the significant difference. And it eased my biggest fears. I believe that he will be able to grow into a highly functioning, productive adult. I don’t see it causing him significant distress throughout his entire life. And those are probably two things I cannot say for myself.
I get really upset when I see parents with an almost teenage mentality. What about me? Well, what about you? I am married. Some marriages aren’t like mine in the respect that most of my individuality was absorbed into the “we”. When my son was born, it wasn’t a huge shift. It was still “we”. I’ll always be a “we” and that’s fine with me. That’s why I got married and had a family.
Some people will always be “me” people. So, if they want to think in terms of individuality, it should be “he” or “she” for their children. There is no excuse for putting an individual want over a child’s need. And most of the things that a child requires are needs, even if they are disguised as wants. Want a toy. Toy provides education and stimulation. Toy is a need. Want clothes. Clothes are a staple need. I don’t even put needs in front of my child’s want, unless they are needs in the red. Extreme hunger, extreme fatigue, and debilitating illness are the only needs that trump a want. Besides, it’s kind of hard to play ball when you have your head in the toilet, lol.
There is a growing trend of permissive parenting going on these days that I cannot stand. As a teacher, I see it. There’s a group of parents that let’s their kids get away with murder, and then gets angry when you attempt to correct it. I’m doing my job, why aren’t they? Is it because of the misconception that if you don’t get paid for it, then it’s not a job? That would mean that only foster parents are actually parents.
And this is your blog, so you have license to talk about what you wish. I think talking about parenting styles is important in terms of how it deals with symptomatic behavior. Your parents were probably like mine – almost militant in authoritarian parenting style. Their take was primitive: a child steps out of line to be rebellious and challenge authority. The only way to get a kid to straighten up and fly right is to show them the consequences of their behavior. Except, those consequences weren’t what I consider to be “natural consequences” in my own parenting style. They didn’t make sense. No one goes to jail for smoking or swearing. And that’s what it felt like. Jail.
I don’t have a teenager, and I won’t pretend that I will know exactly what to do. But, I subscribe to an authoritative parenting style that favors natural consequences. Smoking is expensive and hurts your body. If my son wants to act like he’s grown, then I will give him a taste of adulthood. Holding his own job, paying his own bills, finding his own transportation. That means paying for his everything and trying to budget between wants and needs. That teaches a better lesson than isolating him from the world.
Natural consequences, what would occur outside of the bubble environment. I won’t let my son go as far as running into traffic, but I’ll let him slip on the slippery walk in the yard and get a little roughed up. And that’s why I said, “Be careful.” Danger exists in our environment, and children need to know how to navigate through it.
I’m sorry you are not well right now. I do think that our own diagnoses make us keenly aware of our own behavior with our young. I have very strong reactions to oftenly thought of as innocuous things. Today, I found my hair putty in the toilet. Again. It takes a lot of careful monitoring to keep myself from freaking out. I must not do a fantastic job at it, because I hear my son using freak out phrases. “Whyyyyy?!” And “No, no, no, no, nooooo!!!” In fact, I heard him saying, “No, no, no, no, nooooo!!!”, as I came down the stairs just before I found it. It’s as if he was reminding himself afterward of what was coming. I’m just glad he’s not scared of me.
And no apologies are necessary. You just concentrate in being you. For better and worse, I think you’re a kind, intelligent, lovely person. There’s no need to put on any airs. I can definitely keep pace. Besides, I like the long, nonsequetor thoughts! Those are the best of them all! Nothing like raw thought to spark something great!
Take your time. My blog isn’t going anywhere
Lulu