Another very rough night. I spent all night sat watching television unable to sleep and unable to read. Additionally I didn’t really want to get into talking with anyone and so I simply sat watching television all night.
To be totally honest I am not really sure what is going on at the moment although I do recognize certain situations, circumstances and rationale’s within it all and how unhealthy or negative these are. But of course changing them is not always easy especially when they are in others and the way they are treating you as opposed to being in yourself.
One major consideration for me at the moment is the Solitary v Social situation.
I think it was Aristotle who first expressed the whole “is man a social or solitary creature or both?” question and I am very much aware that this is a consideration that has been explored by many philosophers, religious leaders and indeed psychiatrists and psychologists ever since.
These two “states” are by their very nature, I would suggest, polar to each other. Because of this – depending on how they are managed – they can no doubt cause a certain amount of conflict in us. Although some people do seem to fit from one state to the other with a great deal of dexterity.
For example, a person with a propensity towards solitude may find a discomfort in social settings and vice versa. Additionally the level of discomfort experienced will be directly proportional to either a) how much comfort or security they find in the one state and/or b) how much threat they find or perceive in the other.
There are of course exceptions to this rule and a solitary person may find comfort or security within specific social groups or circumstances that are not so readily available to him or her in others circumstances or situations.
I am also convinced that how sociable and/or how solitary a person is will be directly and/or indirectly influenced by the circumstances of his or her life, his or her experiences, and his or her relationship with others and also (and this is often a key point which is overlooked) with his or her self.
As for myself, I would have to say that I have a very strong propensity towards the solitary state and quite a lack of interest in the social state. People often ask me if I find being alone so much difficult and I am always somewhat intrigued by the idea that “not being alone” is appealing to them and I also find their assumption that being social would be appealing to me.
Of course as a Christian I have to consider what I am called to be? In this regard, I personally do not believe that I, as a Christian, am called to be entirely or even mainly solitary. And having said belief, for me personally, one of such exceptions that I mentioned above would have to be in respect of fellowship and indeed the call to participate in corporate worship.
But I have to admit that, outside of this and often even inside of this, I am finding it harder and harder to be “social” and that I do certainly experience more and more of an allure towards being solitary.
I have several times recently considered stopping my internet subscription, closing down all my blogs and social network participation and indeed canceling my home phone and relying only on my mobile phone for emergency calls and the one or two conversations that I do enjoy each week.
I find myself conflicted between the solitary state that I seem to enjoy – even desire, and the social state that everyone else seems to desire for me and expect of or for me. Which of course logically brings one to consider if this is a reflection of my natural state or indeed an exaggeration of my natural state in response to how I am “feeling” at the moment?
Both mentally and physically I find that I am growing more and more weary and more and more tired and I am not sure as to the cause of it all. I recognize therefore that the allure of solitude could well be simply an expression of the fetal position that so many of us seem to desire or need to revert back to at times.
[If I could be bothered I would respond now to my mind's immediate invitation to reflect of the psychological significance of sleeping positions but alas I have no enthusiasm for such folly at the moment. Hey ho perhaps another time.]
Am I able to focus? Yes in the main I am, but then I find that I don’t really enjoy doing so and in fact just recently I experience such headaches as a result of the effort to focus.
Are the voices or thoughts bad? No not really – at least no more than normal. They are of course still present and still active but not more than usual I would say.
Am I enjoying the things that I do? No I just don’t seem to be able to do so, outside of one or two momentary situations or activities and actually I find that I am very lethargic at the moment and on top of this I am spending more and more time in bed or in mindless futile activities.
Actually if I were to describe my mental appetite at the moment I would sadly have to admit that I am perfectly content with meat and two veg as opposed to spicy exciting and enticing food.
In terms of the physical, I do believe my current issues with the bleeding is dragging me down, but then again I cannot rule out the possibility that instead of being part of the causality of my current state they could well be symptoms instead.
Now here is an interesting thought that has just occurred to me. Hm perhaps I should explain that the main body of this post was started when I got up some several hours ago but that due to my headaches I had to leave it as a draft and retire back to my bed for a bit. It has only been on re-reading this draft posting that this thought occurred to me and I have to say it is an interesting consideration.
I recently started a new experimental treatment. Could this have something to do with the bleeding issues that I currently facing? Of course jumping to conclusions is never a good idea and certainly have no expertise in this field but it is an interesting thought. See I do still have the ability to be interested in something. I shall mention this to my doctor and may even text the consultant in charge of the whole experimental treatment program and see what he has to say. Hmm interesting.
Perhaps I should explain (for those new to or who have not been following this blog) that even if I do text him and there is a possible connection between the bleeding and the treatment there is little that he can do I feel since the treatment consists of a regular monthly to six weekly injection and I have recently already had the first one.
But overall I am just so tired and so lifeless lately or more accurately so energy-less lately and I don’t know why that is.
My blood glucose levels seem fairly normal. A few peaks and troughs along the way but that happens and is not out of the ordinary.
My diet is poor but that is a financial concern really and I really do need to eat more veg as having reconsidered my diet over the past few weeks I really don’t think I have eaten any veg at all.
In respect of my medication nothing has changed there and so that really can’t be it.
So all in all I am at a loss as to what is dragging me down so comprehensively and indeed how to address it all. But of course I stand assured that it will, as all things do, eventually pass and that i am not alone in all this despite the fact that I do feel so desperately alone unless the timing or whim suits others to get involved.