Alice: “If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is because everything would be what it isn’t. And contrary-wise; what it is it wouldn’t be, and what it wouldn’t be, it would. You see?”
Me: “Oh I have one of those. They are not good to have you know?”
Alice: “What isn’t?”
Me: “A world of my own. I have one and it isn’t good.”
Alice: “You do? How do you get there?”
Me. “Hm. Well there is no need of travel tickets, or so it seems. No boarding passes per se. Indeed no need of baggage (for I come complete with my own you understand). Not even a passport or Visa is required in order to gain entry. In fact no real travel arrangements appear necessary at all to get from where I reside within the mostness of this time to the “now and then”ness of my other world.”
[Alice looks quizzical.]
Me: “In fact, or so it would appear to me, one doesn’t arrange to travel there one is simply summoned. And once summoned refusal is futile. A trip to this world has been arranged and a trip to this world you will take.
[Alice frowns. It is a frown that demands an explanation.]
Me: “What’s that you ask? The summoning? Oh that comes from the voices. Yes those ever present voices-echoed by my own dear bitter sweet thoughts. Yes the voices. Which, whilst ordinarily quite manageable (if not perpetually cumbersome and annoying), seem at this time of summoning to become quite vociferous and insistant indeed.
And then it happens. No travel as such. No journey of which to speak. For we have traveled not from one geographical location to another, but from one real and “sensical” world (although I am sure sensical is not really a word at all and indeed I am just a certain that this world we live in makes little sense most of the time anyhow.) to another nonsensical world.
One world simply fades away into the recesses of inadequate memory and the other world comes forth into the nightmare state of my now.
I have left you see. Gone. Not here. Absent without leave. Missing in inaction. Devoid of presence. Removed.”
[Again, Alice seems perplexed.]
Me: “What’s that you ask? Can YOU come with me to that world?
Why of course not! But bless you for asking. You simply don’t belong there, you see, and what is more (please forgive me for being so candid) neither would I want you there. Heck, I don’t even want me there. So why would I want you there?”
[Alice lowers her head in sadness and fumbles with the hem of her dress.]
Me: “Last night? Yes I went there again last night. I had no choice. They summoned me again.”
Alice: [Softly, sadly and lovingly.] “You hate it there don’t you?”
Me: “With every fibre of my being. But I have no choice. I am summoned and so I go. No will. No say. No choice.”
Alice: “It isn’t like the world I was describing is it?”
Me: “No child. It isn’t like the world you spoke of. Except both worlds are worlds of nonsense. But in my other world I don’t control the nonsense the nonsense controls me.”
Alice: [Thinking back over her opening statement] “If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is because everything would be what it isn’t. And contrary-wise; what it is it wouldn’t be, and what it wouldn’t be, it would. You see?”
Me: “But you might sweet child, choose to go there or not.” I offer. “I alas, seem to have no choice.”
[I lift her into my arms and hold her lovingly.]
Me: “But then you might sweet child have your looking glass and I,” [my mind looks off into the faint distant memories the fading tormented world of the last episode proffered by my mental health issues] “well I, have but my voices of glass.”
[Author's comment: I wrote this piece this morning after yet another particularly bad night. For those of you who do not have a nervous disposition check out this video on youtube. The music (which is the main part for me) is by Shinedown and it came to my mind this morning, whilst writing this piece.]