Tags
Christianity and Depression, Christianity and Mental Health, Depression, Isolation, Paranoid Schizophrenia
So I am isolating again…
I think it was Mae West coined the phrase that I have chosen as the title of this post.
It’s a great quote isn’t it and yet I can’t help wondering if it is one that finds its birth in disappointment, Certainly its entrance into my “here and now awareness” finds its birth in disappointment, well actually extreme disappointment.
Recently I pulled away from virtually everything that I normally did and I did so for many reasons not least of all being because of a heart-felt conviction that I was being fed “pounds of promises”.
I am mindful that this may seem somewhat despondent or even harsh to some people but trust me it is the most charitable I can be at the moment.
You see as a Christian I have an understanding of what I believe God wants in respect of love and faith and family and whilst I do not profess to be an expert on any of those I am fairly well read and do have a fairly adequate biblical and historical knowledge. Additional to this head knowledge I also have a deeply felt heart-conviction of what faith, Christianity and family should be.
To me, being a family means loving one another, spending time with one another, and being there for one another and being a Christian family means doing so out of a deep reference for Christ Jesus.
“John 13:35 (King James Version) By this shall all men know that ye are my disciples, if ye have love one to another.”
Sadly my experience, both inside and outside of “churchianity”, is however increasingly that this is not reality but instead is filled with people who seem only to want to love on their terms, or when you are useful to them, or when it is convenient to them.
In truth my experience tells me this is life. My eyes tell me very few people seem to love or be the family God wants. My voices and thoughts tell me it is because I am not worth being with or knowing, My heart tells me living like this is not what it is meant to be and just not worth it.
Isolating oneself may seem dangerous and unhealthy to some, Certainly I understand where they are coming from in this regard BUT consider these two points if you will…
1. Sometimes isolating yourself is far more preferable than being isolated by others,
2. Perhaps you are one of the ones causing me (or others) to isolate.
Consider this also if you will. I agree with Mae West, “An ounce of performance is worth pounds of promises BUT I would go further, “Pounds of promises unfulfilled are the weight that drags people down and that suffocates love.”
Hi
I love reading your blog and a lot of what you write is the way I feel sometimes, especially about “Churchianity” as you call it.
I know how you feel as I have been disappointed in the way certain Christians have behaved towards me and I too have felt isolated or not worthy a lot of the times.
For example, there are certain Christians who talk to me but I know they really don’t want to and would go off and have a “proper” conversation with others rather than me. If that makes sense?
I try not to let stuff like this bother me, but unfortunately nearly every week it does, therefore sometimes I miss certain events or services that I should attend I guess. I just find it hard to connect to people at times. I am not sure whether I am being paranoid or its the way things are, but its not a nice feeling when one is isolated by others that`s for sure.
I suppose at the end of the day, I cannot hold them up to being perfect or having Christ’s standard just because they profess to be Christian. I think perhaps I need to concentrate on Christ rather than how I feel about other people. I would imagine that is quite a hard thing to do.
Anyway, enough of the moaning. I just wanted to let you know that I kind of know how you feel and you put things into words and a perspective that I never could.
I hope this situation resolves itself and I know its hard sometimes but believe me never think you are not worth getting to know or being around because you definitely are.
Hugs to you
Hey Rona,
Thanks for taking time to read the blog and to comment and thank you so much for your kind words.
To be honest I often struggle about whether I should write stuff I write because I know that some can view it as critical or harsh and I do so very much struggle about showing the less appealing side of Christianity. But I am convinced that Churchianity is not Christianity and actively takes away from what Christianity is all about. Likewise I think it is important that we are very real in our accounts and witness. There was and perhaps still is, in my opinion, a trend to portray Christianity as being “wonderful” “easy” “the answer to all our problems” and that is simply not true. Experience has taught me that Christianity whilst indeed wonderful is not easy and often causes us to face more or different problems instead of removing them all.
As I said I really am grateful to you for your kind words and I am so very sorry to read that you too have been disappointed in the way certain Christians have behaved towards you and that you too have felt isolated or not worthy a lot of the times.
I guess I should find some solace in the fact that it is not just me who has felt this way but to be totally honest here I am just very saddened that you or anyone should be feeling this way within God’s family.
Trust me I can so relate when you say that, “there are certain Christians who talk to me but I know they really don’t want to and would go off and have a “proper” conversation with others rather than me.” And yes it does make sense. I can also relate so very much when you say that you “try not to let stuff like this bother me, but unfortunately nearly every week it does, therefore sometimes I miss certain events or services that I should attend I guess.”
I think one of the biggest challenges that a “church” faces is the need to remember what I call “the pack effect”. When anyone joins a group based organization such as a church they, because of their newness, own insecurities and individuality view – either consciously or sub-consciously – that group to be a “pack”. This can be a very daunting and challenging thing to face even if we are introduced to that “pack” by someone within that pack.
It is very hard, I think, to view that pack as being a collection of individuals such as ourselves – especially as a collection of individuals who could be as insecure as we are. And so, unless the pack members are very welcoming, open or accommodating, we struggle to feel a part of that pack and can therefore feel even more isolated and unworthy within the pack than we would have done as outside of the pack. It often surprises me to hear that some of what appear to be the most popular people within the pack can often feel just as isolated and unworthy as we do.
Of course that doesn’t entirely account for the problems that we often experience whilst talking to the pack’s individual members who don’t seem to connect or accept us. But even then I think we need to remember they may be just as insecure as we are but don’t appear that way because “within and whilst interacting with the pack” they have already gained enough security to at least appear comfortable.
I wonder how many folk truly understood that I felt that so isolated and so disconnected or did they just see Kev the worship leader, Kev the big guy who likes to muck around a lot, Kev the confident one.
You see like you I too find it so hard to connect to people at times. Like you I am not sure whether I am being paranoid or its the way things are, but you are right its not a nice feeling when one is isolated by others.
The fact is that even within Christianity and especially within “Churchianity” we wear masks. We aren’t fully open with our insecurities, our struggles, our failings or even our needs. Look at me for example. I am a big guy and was extremely involved in “the pack” and yes I mucked around a lot and liked to joke a lot within that. BUT how many saw my size, my apparent confidence, my joking humor for what they all are?
Rona I think you are entirely right when you say that we cannot hold others up to being perfect or having Christ’s standard just because they profess to be Christian. I think it was Mahatma Gandhi who once said, “I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ.”
The fact is that he and you are both right, Christians are so unlike Christ. Christ was fully human and yet fully God – a very hard concept to understand. We are fully human unless we fully trust and surrender to God and I do not believe that is going to happen completely until we are with God. My understanding of the bible and my experience as a Christian teaches me that there will be times when we fully trust and fully surrender and in so doing when we allow Christ to fully manifest in our lives but that these times are few and far between. As for the rest of the time it is I believe a journey through which we work out and surrender to God’s plan for us and for others through us.
I want to encourage you. You said, “I think perhaps I need to concentrate on Christ rather than how I feel about other people. I would imagine that is quite a hard thing to do.” I absolutely agree with you.
As you know, I am familiar with the church (or pack) to which you are referring and whilst for many reasons I decided to leave that church/pack I can tell you that there are some wonderful people within it and I am sure that you will be as much a blessing to them as they will be to you if you persevere.
I know it sounds strange (seeing as I have left that church) for me to encourage you to continue there but trust me my leaving was as much about my own struggles with me as it was my struggles with them.
God bless you and again thank you for your support and encouragement.
Hugs.
Hi Rona,
I am hanging in there thanks. I know all about being tired so please don’t worry about taking a little time to comment or respond. I appreciate you taking time to comment at all
In respect of feeling bad about what you said, I personally wouldn’t worry too much about it. Nothing you said seemed unfair or harsh to me and sadly I empathise with so much of what you said. I think as Christian we sometimes struggle with the conflict of wanting to voice our feelings and not wanting to be too critical.
However, if we do not voice our feelings and are not objectively critical then are we not simply hurting ourselves but living a falsehood or encouraging others to.
I am delighted that you are going to remain at the church. As I said, although I was deeply hurt by some of the things that happened I do believe folk there to be wonderful folk
In respect of your comments concerning how I was seen by you and possibly many others, I can totally understand that and indeed you are not alone in that view of me.
Certainly part of the responsibility for how people see me lies with me. But that is the crazy and indeed the sad thing about how we feel able to interact with each other. I truly believe, and I cannot stress this too greatly, that as Christians we are meant to be a family and as a family we should be able to be open and real with each other – doing so in the sure knowledge that whilst our wrong attitudes and bad behavior will not be accepted or encouraged and will indeed be addressed that WE will be accepted and loved throughout that,
In short we should be able to be open and honest and real with each other in Christ and allow others to be open and honest and real with us, Always encouraging, helping, loving and seeking healing for each other.
I guess that is one of the main reasons for this blog, I want to be open and honest and real about who I am and about my faith and that means being open and honest and real not only about the victories I am blessed with but about the struggles I face and the scrapes I get myself into within that faith. I truly believe God desires that from us and not this “soft-sell”, “give your life to Jesus and all your problems will disappear”, type of Christianity that is all too often portrayed nowadays.
Hm. I feel a blog article coming on. LOL
OK Time for me to get on with posting to my other blogs and doping a little housekeeping,
Keep on Keeping on.
God bless.
Kevin.
Btw, excuse my terrible grammer..but I think you understand what I was trying to say
Hi Kev,
Hope you’re feeling a little better. I read your response a few days ago, but I was rather tired and couldn’t reply back straight away. Sorry about this.
You know, for ages afterwards, I felt bad about what I wrote because they have all been nice to me but it was just the way I feel at times, it may have my mental/emotional state at the time I think, I don’t really know.
I will definitely stay in the church however, because there are a lot of nice people in it-you’re right there and I do need that little bit of support there if you know what I mean. Perhaps it will get easier after time, who knows.
Yes I agree, you do see a group not as individuals with the same insecurities and similar feelings as yourself but as a pack. Especially when one is new. For example, I always saw you as a wonderful singer and a very confident talented chap, never realising that each one of us have layers of different ideas, thoughts and emotions etc. I guess what one sees is not necessarily the case but there’s something much deeper within and we are all indeed wearing a mask, I know I do a lot of the time too.
I know you might find this strange but reading your blog and thoughts and views on life, and Christianity have really helped me alot, and made me realise that I am not necessarily alone in my thoughts and the way I feel sometimes. You have a way with words, that makes one think and go “Aha”. Please don’t stop writing because it is wonderful.
Yes, Gandhi is certainly correct in this assumption and thank you for your encouragement I will try and persevere, with church and concentrate on Christ even on my “bad” days.
I am not so great with words sometimes, but I hope you understand my meaning?
God Bless You and thanks for your response, will keep praying for you Kevin
Rona x