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Christianity, Christianity and Mental Health, Depression, Faith, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Obesity, Paranoid Schizophrenia, Rejection, Self-Harming, Self-Hatred, Self-Loathing
It is nearly 1 am and I have just finished speaking with my family on the telephone, not my biological family but the family God brought me into in order to help me heal and to learn.
We happened to discuss Albert Einstein and I was sharing how, in many ways, I could relate to how isolated he was as a child and I admitted that so often when going into my dark places I yearn to be able to explain the countless web of thoughts that are spun and that entangle my mind. But how very difficult it was to place into words the myriad of different hurts, doubts, self-criticisms, and self accusations that go on in there.
But I want to reach out, I want to shout out, “Moms, Dads, family, I love you and I trust you and I need you. I want you to be able to walk freely inside my pain without your being hurt by it and yet able to help heal it and to experience or at very least understand the maniacal labyrinth that imprisons me suppressing my emotions, my anguish my very sense of hope.
All I could come up with is this, to try somehow to place on paper (or at least a computer screen) a snapshot if you will of the dialogue that goes on in my mind between me, my selfs, and I (with of course the ever present additional comments from the peanut gallery of hate thrown in). I also wanted to try and share with those who do not understand mental helath, schizophrenia or self-harming, just some of the things that go on in the mind of someone who does or at least this mind at least.
And so I am writing this dialogue. Just one of the many different dialogues that go on inside my mind. Just one of the many conversations that happen within me.
I warn you now that for some this may be disturbing, even painful. I apologize for this but how can I truly share the pain, the torment, the desperation without being open and honest about it? So if you are easily disturbed please do not read on.
If you do decide to read on then I guess the best way for you the reader to try to make some sense of this is to view it or read it as f it were a script like the script of a play…
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Location/Scene…
Some wherein my mind, it is slightly dark and somehow sinister and becoming more and more dark and sinister as each minute goes by. Somehow all around fades, all activity, all life all sound fades and the only thing left is the darkness, me, my selfs and I and of course off in the distance the peanut gallery.
Cast list..
me – is the real me, the central me, the core me.
selfs – all the other parts of me, the voices and thoughts that seem so strong so dominant so loud.
peanut gallery – the parts of me that I know are there but can’t seem to identify and yet that I hear in the background and yet still am so very much aware of their presence.
I – the collective of all the parts.
Dialogue…
(The words appearing in bold and italics are ones often emphasized with sarcasm r accusation within this internal dialogue.)
selfs: “You were an awkward child, you know that don’t?”
peanut gallery: “A very awkward, a difficult child.”
me: “Yeah I know”
selfs: “Yes a very awkward, difficult child.”
me: “Yes but still a child.
selfs: “Your parents never stood a chance of loving you.”
peanut gallery: “No! You never let yourself be a child.”
me: “But I wanted them to love me and anyway they did love me, it was me who messed it up.”
selfs: “Yes, you did mess it up and so they couldn’t love you.”
peanut gallery: “Because you wouldn’t let yourself be a child, not their child, not anyone’s child.”
me: “Was it my job to let myself be a child? Or their job to help me be a child? Does a child know it is meant to let itself be a child?”
selfs: “Does any normal, undamaged child even think about whether to be a child or not? You shouldn’t have even been thinking of whether you should let yourself be a child and should have just been one.”
me: “Wait! did I say I didn’t let myself be a child? And anyway I don’t think I thought on those terms back then.”
selfs: “We’ve already agreed you never let yourself be a child, and anyway you were the one who brought up having to think about being a child.”
me: “We agreed that? I thought we were talking about being loved?”
selfs: “But children are loved.”
peanut gallery: “Not this child. He was never loved. He never let himself be loved. He never let himself be a child.”
me: “But I just said I was loved.”
selfs: “No! you said they loved you. You never said you were loved.”
peanut gallery: “Because he never let himself be a child. Never let himself be their child.”
me: “Wait, I admitted it was me who messed up, I had mental health problems, and I did say I was loved by them.”
selfs: “No, you said they loved you. But you never said you were loved by them.”
me: “I did! Didn’t I? I mean if they loved me I must have been loved.”
peanut gallery: “Not you! No not you. You never let yourself be loved. You never let yourself be a child. You were damaged goods.”
selfs: “If a man goes to hit you, but you duck out of the way, are you hit?”
me: “What? No of course not, be cause you ducked. So of course you aren’t hit.”
selfs: “Aha! So in the same way if someone goes to love you, but you wont accept it (or you duck out of the way of it) then you aren’t loved.”
peanut gallery: “He was never loved. He never let himself be loved. He never let himself be a child. And anyway he was hit. He was hit a lot.”
me: “Wait! that’s different! Hitting is physical, loving isn’t physical it’s emotional, it’s spiritual.”
selfs: “Sometimes loving is physical.”
peanut gallery: “Hitting is physical. You were hit a lot. You let yourself be hit didn’t you.”
me: “I had no choice! I was a child!”
selfs: “Ok, so if someone hates you but you don’t accept that they hate you are you still hated?”
peanut gallery: “No. You weren’t a child. We’ve already established that you weren’t a child. You never let yourself be a child. Remember? Hell, You still won’t let yourself be a child.”
me: “Shut up! I want to talk to my selfs! If someone hates me, but I don’t accept that I am hated am I still hated? No because I haven’t accepted that hate.”
selfs: “But it is still there in them.”
me: “Yes, but not in me. So I don’t have their hate and so I am not hated.”
selfs: “Our point exactly. So you wouldn’t let yourself be loved. So you weren’t loved.”
me: “No that is not what I said. “I said, I was loved.”
selfs: “Make your mind up! You can’t have it both ways. Were you hated or not? Were you loved or not? You said if someone hated you but you never accepted that hate then you weren’t hated. So by the same theory, if you were loved but never accepted that love then you weren’t loved. You can’t have it both ways. Which way was it?”
peanut gallery: “He still wont accept love. He doesn’t know how to accept love.”
me: “Wait! I can’t argue with you all. I mean I can argue with you all, I just can’t communicate my argument with you all at the same time.”
peanut gallery: “Why not? We can communicate our arguments with you at the same time.”
selfs: “So which one is it? You haven’t made your mind up. Come on make your mind up! Were you loved or hated?”
peanut gallery: “He was hit. We agreed he was hit.”
me: “But there are lots of you and only one of me. How can I communicate with all of you when there is only one of me? And I was loved. I know I was loved. I just couldn’t experience it somehow!”
peanut gallery: “But you experienced being hit. You could experience that! And anyway, we are all inside you and so we are you and so if we are you then surely you can communicate with you at the same time, because you are you and we are you. So, we are all one and one person can easily communicate with one person.”
selfs: “So you were hated but didn’t accept it and so weren’t really hated. But you were loved and didn’t accept it but were really loved. That doesn’t make sense now does it? “You’re not making sense again. No wonder no one can love you.”
me: “They can love me! I said they can love me! Didn’t I just say they can love me? I can’t remember. I am confused. You are confusing me! And anyway we are not all one because we are all many.”
selfs: “But only you see and know the many.” Everyone else just sees the one. The you. Are we not all part of you?”
peanut gallery: “The you who can’t be loved.”
me: “Yes of course you are part of me. Who else would you be? And I can be loved. I admitted that I can be loved”
peanut gallery: “Can be loved or are loved? Make your mind up, you keep changing it.”
selfs: “He isn’t loved. We already agreed he isn’t loved”
me: “I am loved and I can be loved, it is you who are un-loveable. You are damaged and hurt and you spread that hurt. You are poisonous.”
selfs: “But we are part of you and if we are part of you and we can’t be loved then there is a part of you that cannot be loved and so if there is a part of you that cannot be loved then actually you can’t be loved. Now can you?”
peanut gallery: “He can’t be loved. We know he can’t be loved. We already agreed he can’t be loved.”
me: “My family loves me.”
selfs: “No. your family loves the you that you show them. They don’t know the rest of you now do they?”
me: “How can they know the rest of me? You are the rest of me and you are inside of me and you keep hiding and changing and you keep hurting and running. How can I possibly let them know the rest of me when I don’t really know the rest of me? I don’t even know where you came from I just know you are there.”
selfs: “Then they can’t love the rest of you and if they can’t love the rest of you how can you say that they really love you? They don’t even know you. No-one really knows you. Hell, you even said it yourself – you don’t really know you! You can’t really love someone you don’t know.”
peanut gallery: “See! Didn’t we say all along that he couldn’t be loved and isn’t loved? See, he is awkward and difficult. He is damaged!“
selfs: “No, you have it all wrong. He isn’t awkward or difficult or damaged. We are all awkward and difficult and damaged.”
me: “You are! You are awkward and difficult and damaged! And even worse than that you are harmful and dangerous and toxic! You hurt me and tear me down! You are evil!”
selfs: “And yet we have already agreed that WE are part of YOU.”
peanut gallery: “So since we are all part of you, then the truth is that YOU are harmful and dangerous and toxic!”
selfs: “The fact that we are part of you is undeniable. So since we are ALL agreed on this and therefore all agreed that you are therefore harmful and dangerous and toxic then YOU are not safe to love.”
peanut gallery: “So, if you are not safe to love, if you really love others you will not let them try to love you – because you are harmful and dangerous and toxic.”
selfs: “YOU will only hurt them!”
me: “Wait! I can’t think! I am so tired! You are starting to make sense and I know you are wrong but I am finding it so hard to find the lies hidden in the corrupted truths you keep twisting and throwing at me!”
peanut gallery: “You are the one doing the thinking! We are ALL part of you remember. You just don’t like the truths that you are thinking! You are tired because you are arguing against the truths that you know we are showing you. “
selfs: “And we are You! So you are telling yourself the truth but not wanting to accept it because the truth hurts.”
peanut gallery: “No wonder you are tried!”
selfs: “You are seeing how dangerous and harmful and toxic you really are! You know we are right you just don’t want to accept it!”
peanut gallery: “You just don’t know what is real, can’t accept what is real. You don’t know how to handle it.”
selfs: “You have all this inside you and don’t know where to go with it. You have to get it out! But you are dangerous and harmful and toxic. Not safe to be around. You hurt people, won’t let them love you, you can’t let them love you.”
peanut gallery: “No, you CAN’T let them love you. You have to protect them!”
selfs: “Yes you must find a way of dealing with this pain, this harm this poison in you without hurting others.”
peanut gallery: “Yes you have to get it out but must not let anyone else suffer it.”
selfs: “You need to stay hidden, to keep the real you hidden, to stop the poison, the harm, the danger from spreading to others especially the ones you love. Only you deserve that pain, that harm, that danger. “
peanut gallery: “Yes only YOU deserve it.
selfs: “But you must find a release for it before it destroys you!”
peanut gallery: “You know how to release it don’t you.”
selfs: “You need to see it being released don’t you! You know you do.”
peanut gallery: “Need to see it coming out of your body!”
selfs: “Yes, to actually, to physically, see it leaving you.”
peanut gallery: “leaving your fat, useless, ugly, decaying, rotting body.”
selfs: “It’s only a body and it’s already damaged and rotting, another scar, another line, more pain, won’t hurt it. Won’t hurt you.”
peanut gallery: “Yes you know how to deal with physical pain. You’ve experienced physical pain, you can handle physical pain!”
selfs: “Yes, You need to experience that pain. Something real, something tangible, something physical.”
peanut gallery: “And anyway you need to be punished for all your toxic-ness, for all your harmfulness, for being so dangerous.
selfs: “For never letting yourself be a child.”
peanut gallery “For never letting yourself be loved.”
selfs: “For still not being loved.”
peanut gallery: “Maybe if you punish yourself now, maybe if you release that toxic, dangerous, harmfulness now, whilst you are alone you will be safe to be loved.”
selfs: “But only a little bit loved. Remember YOU Are still dangerous, toxic, poisonous, harmful.”
peanut gallery: “Yes, dangerous toxic, poisonous, harmful – damaged!”
selfs: “But you will at least be a little less toxic, less dangerous, less poisonous, less harmful.”
peanut gallery: “You know what you must do. You have to release it so you can see it.”
selfs: “Yes release it. Feel it. You need release.”
peanut gallery: “You deserve punsihed”
me: “I can’t think! I am so tired so desperately tired!”
selfs: “It’s the poison.”
me: “I need help!”
selfs: “You can’t be helped, you are toxic, poisonous, harmfull, dangerous, you can’t take the risk of hurting others.”
peanut gallery: “You must let the poison out. Only you can do it and only one way is safe.”
selfs: “Do it now before you are too tired and it consumes you.”
me: “I need help.”
selfs: “You need release.”
me: “I need to pray.”
selfs: “You are too tired to pray.”
peanut gallery: “You need punished.”
me: “God loves me”
selfs: “You can’t experience love”
peanut gallery: “You can experience pain.”
selfs: “You can experience release.”
me: “I need that release.”
selfs: “Release is certain, Release is sure.”
me: “I need to sleep.”
selfs: “You need to act!”
peanut gallery: “you need to be punished.”
me: “I need to be held.”
selfs: “You need to hide”
peanut gallery: “You need to bleed!”
selfs: “You need release.”
peanut gallery: “You need to hurt.”
(And so the darkness consumes all and then the release and possibly some form of sleep. An unsettled, restless sleep where nightmares dance with guilt and failure and pain).
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So there you have it. My attempt as sharing at giving an insight into my internal dialogue.
It is so hard to describe what goes on and indeed this is just one example.
The truth – God does love me because NOTHING is bigger or stronger than God’s love.
The Truth – My family do love me because my mental health does not limit their ability to love me only my ability to experience it.
Again please understand that this is but one of the many internal conversations that go on inside my head on a regular basis. Please also understand that I seek not to suggest that this is what all schizophrenics or folk with voices or mental health suffer, just what I do.
This is so familiar to me. Before I started Lamictal, this would happen all of the time. Sometimes, there were only two voices, core self and “The Voice”. By core self, I mean the typical self that I experience daily. And “The Voice” is the one who says the horrible things. I can give you an example of the conversation.
The situation is detailed in I Bet Jekyll Felt This Way.
Scene: Physically, it is a school, filled with children and teachers. Mentally, it is a war zone.
Core Self: The typical me. The daily me, but much more vulnerable me that is typically the cognitive state I’m in.
The Voice: The evil, maniacal voice that reinforces negative feelings by producing audioable negative thoughts.
The Voice: You know everyone hates you here. You don’t fit in. You aren’t related to anyone and you’re not even the same color! You’re disposable.
Core Self: Most of that isn’t true! Sure, I’m not the same color, but that doesn’t matter here. This is a safe place, where people nature, trust, and support each other.
The Voice: It does matter. They treat you differently. You can see it.
Core Self: …
The Voice: No, this is a workplace. If a person isn’t serving their purpose, they’re fat that goes up on the chopping block. And you know that you’re just one big ball of fat. You are a terrible teacher who can’t even control a classroom. Look at you cower, from children! How safe is that? You’re pathetic.
Core Self: I am not disposable. I have talent that no one else has! If this were all true, why didn’t they get rid of me yet?
The Voice: Can’t you see, you blind idiot? That’s what they’re working on! Remember how they told you that it took them a long time to find a music teacher? They probably found another one that’s better than you. Your replacement probably knows someone in the building. I bet you it’s Stevie. Remember how she tried to take your job last year?
Core Self: But, I took care of that. She tried to throw me under the bus, and I outted her for falling through. I wasn’t going to take the heat for that. And I ended up saving our big musical anyway!
The Voice: Through sheer luck. If you wouldn’t have been in the right place, at the right time, it would have been a total bust. You’re so stupid and spineless to let others take control of what you should have been controlling in the first place!
Core Self: I am not stupid and spineless! I dedicated myself to that show, and the kids did great! I got the musicians, and I would’ve found a way anyway, even if I didn’t meet Ray on the bus.
The Voice: Yeah, you’d like to think that you would’ve been able to do that. But, that’s not true, and you and I both know. You’re not that resourceful. In fact, you have so few resources and knowledge of what you’re actually doing that you have to parade around that place pretending to be something completely different than what you are. You’re a fake. And everyone is starting to see that.
Core Self: See what? I’m not a fake! I don’t pretend like anything!
The Voice: You weren’t even the best in your class!
Core Self: If I wasn’t the best in my class, then why did was I a section leader in every musical ensemble I participated in?
The Voice: Because you played an obscure instrument that no one else knew how to play, and your parents were the co-presidents of the choir. You’ve always found a way to be the big fish in a little pond. Even a little pond without anyone else in it. That’s how you got your job. Because you were the only fish in that pond. But the second that another fish gets in that pond, you’re going to get eaten.
Core Self: …
The Voice: Yeah, you’re starting to get it. Look at the way they look at you. They know that you’re incompetent. Even the kids know. That’s why they act up in your class. You’re a pushover. You always have been. And you will never be anything else.
Core Self: I’ve come so far…
The Voice: Not far enough. You’re not the new kid anymore, and they’re not going to see that as an excuse. I bet your boss is filling out your teacher report card right now. And she’ll give it to you while she’s holding the exit open for you. Bah, she probably won’t do that much. She’ll have a janitor escort you to the exit. By now, she’s probably realized how dangerous you are.
Core Self: I’m not dangerous. I love children! I’d never, ever do anything to hurt them!
The Voice: You already have. Look at the malice in their eyes. They don’t just act up because you’re a pushover. They have a score to settle. You yell and yell. Don’t you have respect for a child’s feelings?
Core Self: I yell to keep them in line.
The Voice: You yell because you want to hurt them. You want them to suffer like you did as a child. You want them to be as weak and powerless as you are. Just so you can feel some power and get all of that anger out. You’re angry, aren’t you?
Core Self: No, I’m scared.
The Voice: Yeah, right now you’re scared. Because you know everything I said was right. Come on. Deep down, you know it, you can feel it.
Core Self: ….
The Voice: Yeah, you can. Everyone corrects you because you’re a bumbling idiot who got in way over her head. Pack your bags, you phony. They’ll attach the pink slip to your butt so they know where to kick you on your way out. They’re against you. They’re searching for every reason to have you out.
Core Self: I want to run. I want to hide and I want you to go away!!!!
The Voice: Hahaha! Keep running! Run away little girl! Run away like you always do! But you’ll never outrun me. You need me. And you know that you’ll never rid yourself of me. Because I am you. I’m the only good part of you.
Core Self: You’re not good! You’re not me! You’re evil!
The Voice: If I’m not you, then how come I’m speaking from inside of you? How come I know everything you know, and more?
Core Self: I don’t know. Go away!
The Voice: You do know. You know. I’m the best part of you! I keep you safe and show you things that you’re too naive, blind, and stupid to see on your own. If it weren’t for me, you’d probably be in some bad shape.
Core Self: You’re the worst part of me that’s led me into the worst of situations!
The Voice: Ha! So, you admit that I’m you! Now you’re a liar too! And being a liar, you know that anything you say is lies. You lie to yourself! Hahaha! You lie to me and everyone else! You lie about who you really are, about your bipolar disorder, about the voices, about your “talent”, about your “skill” and about your “knowledge”. L. I. A. R. The worst kind!
Core Self: Shut up! Shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up!
The Voice: Why don’t you tell yourself that. At least I’m telling you the truth about yourself and your life.
Core Self: If I’m a liar, then you’re a liar too!
The Voice: That’s the beauty of it. If someone is a liar, than someone has to be telling the truth. If one thing is a lie, then the opposite is a truth. We’ve already established that you’re the liar. What does that leave?
Core Self: I hate you.
The Voice: You hate yourself. And so does everyone else.
I could go on all day describing dialogue that I’ve had like this. With my medicine, this happens all of the time. I’m usually defeated and, it sends me into a suicidal depression. Sometimes, there is even more. The Core Self splits into the Jekyll and the Hyde to battle it out as I just listen. I’m caught somewhere in between, like watching a debate. Except, it’s a third party thing where I’m watching them determine the fate of me.
Since the medication, this has happened a few times, but usually in a fit of paranoia or an extreme mental state. Depression, hypomania, etc. But, the great thing about the medication is that it mostly takes this away. So, when “The Voice” comes back, I am almost able to will it away by telling it that it doesn’t exist. It’s an invention of my own mind. I insist that in time, it won’t exist anymore. It’s not an extension of me, it’s an invention that can be destroyed and reabsorbed into my regular consciousness.
What’s your take? I’m eager to know.
Hi again Lulu,
My initial response to this is of course “Wow! I know this conversation so well!” It is strange and yet comforting to see the similarities between our two dialogues. Especially since they were both written completely independently from each other. Although again I am also saddened that you are suffering this as well.
Other than this initial response my next response is perhaps somewhat personal and I need to apologize up front perhaps for getting so personal in response to your questions but in order for me to answer them honestly I do have to be just that open and honest and personal.
This having been said my second response was to notice the obvious similarities of self-derogation, self-criticism and in many ways self-loathing that is apparent in both of our dialogues.
Again on a personal note, and I am not suggesting the same is definitely true for you, just putting it out there as an offering of where I am at with it all and as a possible explanation for you, is that I have long since been convinced that my ‘voices’ are actually a severe and distorted, magnified or exaggerated verbalization of an extremely poor self-image or at very least a mental condition which is either fueled by this or fuels this.
Now whether this damaged and poor self-image is an adopted ownership of; external criticism frequently suffered as a child, or a response to unreasonable and unachievable expectations placed upon me as a child, or indeed resultant from the presence of another perception altering mental condition experienced as a child I cannot in all honesty say.
Again I am not suggesting that this is definitely a shared experience for us but I do wonder if it could be? What I will say however is that a) it does interest me greatly that both you and I have already identified some similarities in the way we were parented and b) that I have a great fondness for the Joseph Heller quote, “Just because you are paranoid, don’t mean they aren’t after you!”
I think if I were to be pushed on an actual approach here I would come down on much the same path as you seem to have settled on…
You stated that, “Since the medication, this has happened a few times, but usually in a fit of paranoia or an extreme mental state. Depression, hypomania, etc.” and went on to say, “But, the great thing about the medication is that it mostly takes this away. So, when “The Voice” comes back, I am almost able to will it away by telling it that it doesn’t exist. It’s an invention of my own mind. I insist that in time, it won’t exist anymore. It’s not an extension of me, it’s an invention that can be destroyed and reabsorbed into my regular consciousness.”
It is that last statement chain that really interests me… “when “The Voice” comes back, I am almost able to will it away by telling it that it doesn’t exist. It’s an invention of my own mind. I insist, that in time, it won’t exist anymore. It’s not an extension of me, it’s an invention that can be destroyed and reabsorbed into my regular consciousness.”
I think there is great power in that statement and approach and I think it might well be worth our investigating it further for ourselves.
If indeed the voices “are actually a severe and distorted, magnified or exaggerated verbalization of an extremely poor self-image or at very least a mental condition which is fueled by this or that fuels this” then removing or disarming said ammunition can have an extremely beneficial outcome potentially.
So re-looking at, and re-assessing our self-image both our now self-image and our then (at the commencement of our mental health) self-iamge and redressing any inappropriate or undeserved faults or criticisms forming said self-image could potentially have an extremely beneficial result.
Unfortunately much of my memory of my early childhood is either lost or suppressed and thus I am unable to ascertain how much of this situation (or the voices ammunition) comes from (for example) a)external criticism frequently suffered as a child, or b) a response to unreasonable and unachievable expectations placed upon me as a child, or indeed c) are resultant from another perception altering mental condition experienced as a child.
If I (or if applicable if we) could ascertain this and indeed redress this it could go a long way to defusing any ammunition available to the voices AND EVEN (if indeed the voices are a verbalization of the unfair or distorted and inappropriate self-image) even remove this from us.
I guess putting it more simplistically, and in direct response to what your statement said it would mean that your statement would then read…
“when “The Voice” comes back, I would be able to immediately will it away by telling it that it doesn’t exist. It’s an invention of my own mind and that since it’s not an extension of me but an extension of a falsely or wrongly perceived me, it’s an invention that was destroyed once the false and wrong perception of me was de4stroyed and thus any need for it has been reabsorbed into my regular now righted consciousness.”
I hope that makes sense, again I am still struggling with my mind, but I would be interested in your responses to this.
Kind regards,
Kevin.
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